To tell my partner I’ll only have a 2nd child if I can be a SAHM?

[JayleaMine]

Our first is 7 months old. I’ll be going back to work when he’s 9 months, I’ve had to fight tooth and nail with work for them to agree to flexible working when I go back - I’ll be doing 4 days and finishing half an hour early to do the nursery pick-up. I was mostly happy with one and done, I figured we’d have a few years that’d be a bit tight financially but then he’d start school and childcare costs would decrease and then we’d have the money to give our boy a great life.

However DP is now saying he wants 2. I can’t see how it is going to work unless I am a SAHM. I can understand DP’s reasons for wanting to give DS a sibling. DP’s family are all abroad in a country that is not feasible for us to move to (very bad economy, no jobs). My mum and dad live an hour away, and they had me older and are pushing 70, they are also full-time carers to my brother who has autism and are in denial about the fact that he’ll need to go into supportive living eventually. I’ll end up organising provision for all 3 of them in the future which makes me feel ill with dread. I have a half sibling on my dad’s side but I expect she’ll only help with my dad.

I understand DP’s perspective in that our child will be lonely - we do know other one-child families but those kids have cousins. Our child won’t have anyone at all. I remember being a lonely kid growing up with a half-sister 20 years older than me and then a non-verbal autistic sibling who never acknowledged my existence. I’d love my boy to have a sibling to grow up with.

Even though my heart wants 2, I don’t see how it will work. Especially during the stage where one child will be at school and the other at nursery, and I would spend more on childcare than I would working until they reach the age where they are both at school and then have to be in 2 places at once come 5:30 to get one from nursery and the other from school. DP has rotating shift patterns so whilst he is a hands on loving dad, we can’t plan childcare around him. Dp changing jobs in not an option as if he stays at his current job a few more years there will be opportunities for a brilliant promotion.

The reasons we want 2 (for our son to have company as no family nearby) are the same reasons I feel like we can’t have 2 (no family support nearby!).

I think the only solution is that I do go back to work after this maternity leave (and save as much as I can in that time!), and then once I go on maternity with a potential second child then I will stay out of work until both are in primary school, and then go back to work. My partner earns £600 a week after tax and we’ve figured we can make it work (if we cut back on holidays, eating out, get rid of the nice SUV lease car and get a run-around) but I think DP is apprehensive as he grew up in severe poverty in his home country.

Just curious what others would do in our situation?

I don't see much here suggesting you would want the 2nd child in their own right. They deserve to be as wanted as the first, not added in to the mix for someone else's benefit.

You surely don't have to make up your mind now, your baby is only seven months old. Think about it again in a couple of years.

Speaking as a mother of an only child (we did originally intend to have more but various issued intervened), mine is absolutely fine, always had many friends, the house was full, grew up independent and confident. Also he was not the only 'only child' at school, neither will yours be.

I occasionally wonder how it would have been had I had another but, thinking back, I managed work quite well with one and it would have been more difficult with two. It didn't happen so I don't know how it would have panned out and I have no regrets.

However people do manage with two - and more. There aren't many SAHMs around. I have to say I wouldn't have wanted that, I enjoyed my work.

Try not to think about it yet, you've not long had a baby.

With all respect - nursery is the easy part. Bring a working parent is a ton harder in primary school.
I know very few people who managed to fet back into any sort of career after a long break

I wouldn’t be having another child solely on the basis of giving the older one some company.

Most of my close friends are only children and they weren’t particularly lonely growing up, you just adapt to it. DD is an only child and happily so. I have a sibling who I never got along with and currently we don’t even talk. You just never know.

Just as an alternative view - I have a one and done. No cousins anywhere near his age. He has an amazing life with brilliant experiences and fantastic friends. He’s far from lonely. There is no way I would take a dent in our lifestyle or be counting pennies when I didn’t have to.

I agree with this. We have no family support and this stage is bloody difficult.

OP - your partner’s shifts are at least half the issue here. If he were working set hours it would be easier to have a conversation about another child but as it stands you are constantly on call to when he might be working. I’d tackle that before considering SAHM.

The other thing about SAHM - it can be glorious when you have an under 1 and everyone is on mat leave so you have a good peer group around you. From 9/10 months most people go back to work and then it’s just you and your child and for many women it gets boring and lonely very quickly. That was my experience anyway.

Finally, fgs get married before you consider cutting your hours.

Totally agree with this. I've heard people talking about the benefits of having 2 children and (mainly) it seems to be so that the 1st child can have company and someone to play with

This is a ridiculous argument because what if they're different sexes and dont play together or what if they don't get along?

OP - drill down into WHY your husband wants another child and also HOW involved he'll be in organisation and care

Brilliant post 👏

I think PP means the state of the economy and country in general - not your life!!

As you've described things, I'd probably stick at one. Having a baby just to provide a sibling, isn't a great reason I don't think.

Also it doesn't sound like you think it's a good idea, and you get the casting vote as it's your body!

Plus, the other caring roles you've described could be huge in 5/10/15 years time.

Personally I wouldn't want to be living as a family of 4 on £600 per week and in your position I would stick with "one and done".

However, whether or not you decide to have a 2nd child and whether or not you decide to be a SAHM, you need "DP" to become "DH" as the next thing that happens before either of those decisions. You have already made yourself inequitably vulnerable by reducing your hours after this ML - the impact of that decision on your long term earning power and your eventual pension will be significant. Without a marriage certificate, if your relationship cracks under the strain he gets to keep his £600pm and you get plunged into poverty. The point of marriage isn't about romance or a big party, it's about averaging out the risks you take when you make yourself vulnerable like this - it's not a guarantee that everything will be fine, it's an agreement that if things are not fine the two of you will share the ups and downs together, and if the love you have doesn't stay the course you will at least end up with a mutual and shared prosperity (or lack of it). Don't put this off because of the expense of a party - you can do it in a registry office for very little outlay, but the mumsnet boards are full of women who have been left in really difficult circumstances having not understood the protection that the law gives with a marriage certificate and you shouldn't be considering these life-changing decisions without those protections in place.

I think it depends on your age. I had my first at 35 and second at 39. When I had my second, my daughter was in preschool and no longer in daycare so when I went back to work after maternity leave she was in P1, we only had to pay childcare for our youngest (though my husband works from home and could do school pick ups and the grandparents could help now and again with our oldest).

I did this and never regretted it. Had a third and then went back into the workplace (in a flexible role) when she was one. Used state nursery school (so free) and a childminder once I went back to work. Some things I'd suggest:

Get married. You would be in an unequal financial position so need legal protection.

All money is family money, so once the bills are paid you share whatever is left equally between you.

The above bills should include pension contributions for you - we didn't do this as well as we could have done and I have had to work quite hard to top it up.

If you are going back to work shortly, save as much as you can and run the finances with just one salary. See how you feel about it. I don't feel we made many sacrifices- holidays were uk camping or staying with friends and family, but we did that before kids anyway!

Consider how you will get back to work - children become more expensive as they get older! I took some freelance work on, maintained my contacts and did some training whilst I was out of work. Found a new role quickly but that was a very different economic climate and might be harder today.

Consider whether you want to be a sahm. The days can be quite long, especially with a toddler and a newborn, and most of the friends you make on maternity leave go back to work. I found I had to be quite sociable and get out to toddler groups etc. My husband also has very generous holidays, so that really helped.

I wouldn't change it at all and feel very lucky that we managed to make it work. But you need to be approaching this as a collective and I would never advise it if you're not married/are not sharing finances.

I agree with this. Whilst nursery is the expensive part, there is far more juggling at school - holidays, early finishes, class assembly etc.

I know you might say this is impossible, but is there no way your DP can do a flexible working request to e.g. have Tuesdays off? If he is promoted would he have more flex?

See how things go with 1 and then see if you WANT another one. If you do, you can then weigh up if the finances/logistics work. Ideally you need childcare with longer hours for a start.

I think you need better reasons than DP wants a second child and the first child would be lonely without a sibling to actually have another child.

Lots of key points have already been identified:
Your brother has autism. What if your second also has autism? Would they be the playmate you desired for your first?
Also what if you had twins?

You also don't have a high household income. What savings do you have and how long would you be able to fall back onto these? Think about big things that can happen and the costs e.g. boiler needs replacing. Car breaks down and you need a new one. What if your partner lost his job?

There is also the suggestion about returning to work when the children reach school age. I think people on MN must live in areas where jobs are widely available. It's depressing where I live, very few opportunities and all low wage roles. If you have had a few years out depending on your qualifications would it be easy to step back in? Also people mentioning term time roles, they go like gold dust and even work like TAs have multiple applicants despite the relatively low wage for what the role is. Also the suggestion of admin in school is different to being a TA as office staff may work 8-5 to cover the phones, and work set weeks during the holidays so they aren't necessarily school hours.

I think nursery funding might be better now than in the past, as I recall when mine turned 3 it made a massive difference to our finances. I believe this funding now happens at an earlier age.
It's actually primary school where it hits you. You get used to funded hours then are hit with bills for before and after school club. Some people suggest these are cheap but mine is now £4 from 8am til school opens and £8 for after school club, £10 if staying past 5. They also close early on Fridays and and only have a limited number of spaces. My school release slots randomly during the day a half term in advance, so if you are at work when the slots go live you may miss out. My friends child's school does it differently and release at 8pm so in theory everyone can be prepared to book, but it's still a crazy rush according to my friend who says everyone sits there refreshing the page to try and get on to book.
Also my kids initially hated after-school club. In nursery children get picked up at various times so they don't really notice, whereas at school it is very clear who is after school club and depending on the day it might not be any one else from their class.
I would therefore say life is easier when they are in nursery than primary school if you have that thought in your head.

This The siblings may not get on, you might have a child with SEN. Your current baby is only a few months old at a nice age . But you are saying your DH wants another child and you feel it would be nice for your DC to have a sibling. Nothing stating you desperately want kne

I personally don't think £600 a week, with an £850 per month mortgage is enough money for a family of four.
What I would do is return to work as planned and then time it so that by the time you need nursery for your second child, the first will be in full time school. This will reduce the child care costs and is what we did. Obviously, this is assuming that your age allows you to plan that way and there aren't any issues with conceiving.

Fairly obviously the poster meant the economy, the world etc etc.

Why on EARTH would you think the poster meant YOUR life ......unless you're not really happy and are having doubts about your relationship?

If so, let's talk it through and work out how we can all help/advise

It is utterly foolish to consider being a SAHM if you are not married.

It's interesting you say you want your child to have a sibling as you were lonely with a brother with severe non verbal autism.

It runs in families. Have you considered you may have a child with autism? Id see how your first child is first.

It's a hard one. We had 2 under 2 at one time, and even though we only paid for 2 half days of nursery for the 2 of them, it was a lot. They were lean years for us but I didn't give up work as dh had flexibility in his role. He did nursery drop offs,pick ups and took equal time off when they were ill. I enjoy my work and after 2 sets of maternity leaves I needed it for my sanity. Dc2 was a surprise and I definitely wouldn't have planned for a 15 month age gap. Those that I know that did plan it had family support with childcare or aimed to be sahms for a few years.

In your case I wouldn't consider a second until your first child is at school. In my view, to make yourself financially vulnerable is unwise. It is I think an even poorer decision if you are unmarried. The age gap would mean that your eldest is less reliant on you physically giving you quality time with baby on your second set of maternity. If your partner gets a promotion by then you could look for a new job by that point or look to drop hours further if possible.

When I first read this, I thought....wtaf.....but having had a think, I agree. Might your child have autism? If not, your second could do. Are you up for that?

No, absolutely not. On your husbands wage, it would be difficult to support 3 of you alone, let alone four of you.
I'm sorry, but financially I can't see it being workable long term.

We had two kids with no family help and not enough money for nursery fees, we have a similar level of mortgage as you. I worked evenings and weekends in retail. I didn't exactly have a career as such to begin with though, if you have a decent job you might not want to do that. Obviously I have buggered my CV but to me it's worth it to have my daughter. At least now they're both in school I can work more sociable hours. You say DP, I'd suggest getting married before having a second

I’d be worried the 2nd might be non verbal autistic like your brother. There is a strong genetic link isn't there?
no guarantee siblings will get along, so make sure you really want a second and not for a fictional sibling relationship that may never happen.

@JayleaMine You should only have a second if that's what YOU want. I had 2, sahm. DS1 autistic, DS2 can't stand him (he's very tiresome). So no guarantee for close relationships just because you are siblings.