To tell my partner I’ll only have a 2nd child if I can be a SAHM?

[JayleaMine]

Our first is 7 months old. I’ll be going back to work when he’s 9 months, I’ve had to fight tooth and nail with work for them to agree to flexible working when I go back - I’ll be doing 4 days and finishing half an hour early to do the nursery pick-up. I was mostly happy with one and done, I figured we’d have a few years that’d be a bit tight financially but then he’d start school and childcare costs would decrease and then we’d have the money to give our boy a great life.

However DP is now saying he wants 2. I can’t see how it is going to work unless I am a SAHM. I can understand DP’s reasons for wanting to give DS a sibling. DP’s family are all abroad in a country that is not feasible for us to move to (very bad economy, no jobs). My mum and dad live an hour away, and they had me older and are pushing 70, they are also full-time carers to my brother who has autism and are in denial about the fact that he’ll need to go into supportive living eventually. I’ll end up organising provision for all 3 of them in the future which makes me feel ill with dread. I have a half sibling on my dad’s side but I expect she’ll only help with my dad.

I understand DP’s perspective in that our child will be lonely - we do know other one-child families but those kids have cousins. Our child won’t have anyone at all. I remember being a lonely kid growing up with a half-sister 20 years older than me and then a non-verbal autistic sibling who never acknowledged my existence. I’d love my boy to have a sibling to grow up with.

Even though my heart wants 2, I don’t see how it will work. Especially during the stage where one child will be at school and the other at nursery, and I would spend more on childcare than I would working until they reach the age where they are both at school and then have to be in 2 places at once come 5:30 to get one from nursery and the other from school. DP has rotating shift patterns so whilst he is a hands on loving dad, we can’t plan childcare around him. Dp changing jobs in not an option as if he stays at his current job a few more years there will be opportunities for a brilliant promotion.

The reasons we want 2 (for our son to have company as no family nearby) are the same reasons I feel like we can’t have 2 (no family support nearby!).

I think the only solution is that I do go back to work after this maternity leave (and save as much as I can in that time!), and then once I go on maternity with a potential second child then I will stay out of work until both are in primary school, and then go back to work. My partner earns £600 a week after tax and we’ve figured we can make it work (if we cut back on holidays, eating out, get rid of the nice SUV lease car and get a run-around) but I think DP is apprehensive as he grew up in severe poverty in his home country.

Just curious what others would do in our situation?

600 a week after tax sounds good but in reality unless you have no mortgage/a very small one and are fixed term for a long time, the uncertainty around that single cost increase alone would frighten me too much as £2400 - £3000 a month for everything for a family of 4 is not actually that much.

We are in a similar position to you, bring in a combined income of roughly 5k a month after tax, but definitely don’t feel like we’re in a good financial position to provide for 2 kids. Our 1 child doesn’t go without and we could give her everything we want to on our salaries currently. 2 it would be a stretch. We will be sticking with 1 for the time being for this reason.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. In 99% of cases the majority of care (whether practical hands on care like nappy changing etc, or the more distant ‘care’ of arranging play dates and birthday parties, Christmas arrangements, medical appointments and so on) fall to women. If you feel you can only manage 2 as a SAHM, that’s fine - you can present that as an option. He doesn’t have to agree with it, but he will know where he stands.

Just to add the the above - even if I did become a SAHM I would still consider a very very part time role if I could find one (talking one day a week maximum) for the sole purpose of still being able to invest in a pension. I do appreciate that it’d be hard to find such a part-time role

Why on earth would you have another child considering the state of everything?

What about when they’re in secondary school? Do you think if you leave the workplace you can ever rejoin at a good level? Only you know this about your own line of work.

It’s worth working out how your finances will look in 20 years before making any decisions. A few years of childcare fees is nothing if your salary rises and you build a good pension.

The state of everything? Charming way to describe my life, thanks a lot

The plan would be to go back to work once youngest child is in primary school. Maybe going back full-time and having wrap-around care.

it’s the thought of having 2 in nursery, or 1 in nursery and 1 in school that is a nightmare.

Mortgage is £850 a month newly fixed for 5 years

It's not ideal for most women to give up work entirely, it puts you in a vulnerable position if things go to shit - happened to a friend of mine, her husband left when she had two kids in nursery, she was in a very difficult position for quite a while. Also it could be hard for you to get a flexible role going back in a few years - it's much easier to negotiate flexibility when you're already in a job. Your proposed arrangement doesn't sound too bad. Plus, to be honest, living on your husband's wage sounds tight with two kids. I earn about that as a single parent of one child and it's only just enough.

Usually childcare costs drop once one starts school, why do you think you will be paying more? You need either nursery or school to go past 5:30 - our nursery closed at 6:30. It should be cheaper than two at nursery.

How old are you, could you consider postponing TTC until your eldest is 3? By the time you factor in mat leave he could have started school before the second goes to nursery.

In today’s climate I wouldn’t advise any woman to give up work altogether unless she had substantial family money to fall back on. A second child is a joy but for most women, leaving the job market altogether is a very risky step and could leave you very vulnerable. Part-time after DC2 was the answer for me and for the most part it worked well.

Way better than mine! That would make me less nervous. Still on a 4 week month minus bills that makes it still a bit tight. But much more doable than I originally considered.

Not all siblings like each other. Having a child to give the other a friend is risky. I'm not sure I'd have the second in your situation/for your reasons.

He wants a second child, he sacrifices his career and his financial independence for years.

I would say, with a 7mo, you don’t need to decide yet. We never thought we’d have a second then, suddenly when dd1 was 2.5 I wanted another and so did dh… I then had twins and finances were tight but now they’re all teens, I work full time and I graduate with my post grad next month. Go with things for now and see where life takes you.

Don’t you get quite a significant chunk of childcare free from a young age now? 2 years old? Or has it even dropped to 12 months? Because childcare is subsidised I don’t see how you’re going to be worse off working, even if you had a second child.

I definitely wouldn’t give up work; it leaves you vulnerable and it won’t necessarily be easy to step back in at your current level if you decided to return in a few years time.

DP’s days off are different each week which makes things awkward. He’s off 3 days a week and if it were the same days each week we’d be laughing childcare wise but unfortunately they always change.

I would consider signing up to a for agency (I used to work for a hospitality agency) where you pick and choose shifts as they come up. I’d probably only end up doing a couple a month if they happened to come up during DP’s days off, and they aren’t high paid (probably about £100 a shift) but it would at least allow me to put a bit towards pension and at least pay my own phone bill etc.

You don’t need to make a decision now - go back to work and see how it goes, and if your partner would be in a good place for promotion in a couple of years you could ttc in a couple of years. One in school and one in nursery is manageable, depending on the wraparound care at school and how close they are to each other / your workplace. In the next couple of years you could also potentially find a more family friendly job or one that makes the travel time to school / nursery easier. An age gap of 4 years is fairly common now, exactly because of childcare costs. It’s tough, but the early years really do go quickly - think of what you want your family to be in the long term.

If you're not married, I definitely would not consider giving up your job. It means your bf will have to give you money.

I think you'd be better having 1 and keep working if you think you can't work with 2.

It couldnt be more obvious that you want 2 and want to be a sahm. Just be honest.

Stop all the manipulation about being happy with one. Happy parents don't think their child will be lonely so.could be persuaded to have another, like its some.sort of charitable gift. You were lonely, fine, but loads of only children are very happy. Plenty of threads on here about sibling abuse. My point is, just have the family you want and live an honest life.

Don’t give up work and be a SAHM if you’re not married. You leave yourself extremely vulnerable.

Also it’s not logistically much easier when they’re at school. Cheaper, yes. But logistically it’s way harder than nursery.

I'd stick to one and go back to work. Siblings aren't guaranteed friends.

I second this. If you are married, you (probably the primary carer of a dependant child or children and quite possibly the lesser earner) would generally have more financial security in the event of divorce. This is because the law gives married people the right to make certain financial claims against each other on divorce.

Agree with this. I’ve got one in nursery and one in school. School is definitely way more logistically tricky than nursery. Later drop off, earlier pick up, can do clubs but then it’s a long slog for them, particularly in reception. Loads of school performances, meetings, socials, various activities that have to be catered for, things to remember, extra curriculars 😧

Does he want another child enough to sort his work out - perhaps find a different job if need be - so he has fixed days off? Because that would be much more proportional to the size of the problem than you giving up work. Maybe if he is the one who wants the second child, he should be the one to address the childcare issue.

I get where you're coming from. But it would put you in a financially more risky position and I am not sure it's fair on the baby to be "responsible" for you potentially giving up your career. Also I think only children with engaged parents do terrifically well, and can be very happy indeed. It seems a real shame to give up your career to have a baby you are ambivalent about. No child should be created to be a playmate.

Also given your family circumstances you are at a higher risk of having a disabled child whose needs could be profound and lifelong. I suspect you are very much aware of this. My question is whether your husband has really taken on board what that would be like.

I read that comment as meaning the state of the world, not the state of your life.