To tell my partner I’ll only have a 2nd child if I can be a SAHM?

[JayleaMine]

Our first is 7 months old. I’ll be going back to work when he’s 9 months, I’ve had to fight tooth and nail with work for them to agree to flexible working when I go back - I’ll be doing 4 days and finishing half an hour early to do the nursery pick-up. I was mostly happy with one and done, I figured we’d have a few years that’d be a bit tight financially but then he’d start school and childcare costs would decrease and then we’d have the money to give our boy a great life.

However DP is now saying he wants 2. I can’t see how it is going to work unless I am a SAHM. I can understand DP’s reasons for wanting to give DS a sibling. DP’s family are all abroad in a country that is not feasible for us to move to (very bad economy, no jobs). My mum and dad live an hour away, and they had me older and are pushing 70, they are also full-time carers to my brother who has autism and are in denial about the fact that he’ll need to go into supportive living eventually. I’ll end up organising provision for all 3 of them in the future which makes me feel ill with dread. I have a half sibling on my dad’s side but I expect she’ll only help with my dad.

I understand DP’s perspective in that our child will be lonely - we do know other one-child families but those kids have cousins. Our child won’t have anyone at all. I remember being a lonely kid growing up with a half-sister 20 years older than me and then a non-verbal autistic sibling who never acknowledged my existence. I’d love my boy to have a sibling to grow up with.

Even though my heart wants 2, I don’t see how it will work. Especially during the stage where one child will be at school and the other at nursery, and I would spend more on childcare than I would working until they reach the age where they are both at school and then have to be in 2 places at once come 5:30 to get one from nursery and the other from school. DP has rotating shift patterns so whilst he is a hands on loving dad, we can’t plan childcare around him. Dp changing jobs in not an option as if he stays at his current job a few more years there will be opportunities for a brilliant promotion.

The reasons we want 2 (for our son to have company as no family nearby) are the same reasons I feel like we can’t have 2 (no family support nearby!).

I think the only solution is that I do go back to work after this maternity leave (and save as much as I can in that time!), and then once I go on maternity with a potential second child then I will stay out of work until both are in primary school, and then go back to work. My partner earns £600 a week after tax and we’ve figured we can make it work (if we cut back on holidays, eating out, get rid of the nice SUV lease car and get a run-around) but I think DP is apprehensive as he grew up in severe poverty in his home country.

Just curious what others would do in our situation?

You’re not married and that could make you very vulnerable financially if you split up. You wouldn’t have access to his pension or a share of whatever assets he may have, even though you have given up your career to care for the children - that could see you out of the job market for five years with minimal pension contributions and no right to his.

It’s one thing to go part time - that will already have a negative impact - but completely giving it up makes it very hard to return at the same level. Things move on very quickly and bright young things are coming into the workforce all the time. £600 a week is tight - your mortgage is a third of that plus another £300 or so for council tax, energy, WiFi, phones, subscriptions, etc. I’m not sure you can afford to eat on that.

Only children aren't lonely? They have friends! People they've chosen to hang around with because they like eachother. Not just pushed together because their similar age and related. Many kids don't want to play with their siblings or cousins, they just have no choice.

So don't have a kid because you think the one you've already got needs a sibling to stop them suffering terminal solitude.

You do seem set on the 'give our child a sibling' thing so they won't be lonely or have no-one.

You can't 'give' anyone another person - they aren't puppies or teddies or emotional support blankets.

There's no guarantee they'll have a relationship - both my partner and an ex were permanently estranged from their siblings, and my neighbour's daughters fought in vicious silence as children.

Your own experience - there is a possibility that with non verbal autism in the family, it could happen again.

Nothing is guaranteed.

And it's perfectly possible for a single child to make brilliant lifelong friends, as my mum did, so being lonely and having no-one really isn't automatic.

And if you're not married, giving up your career, income, savings and pension to be a SAHM with a partner whose earnings are not that great could leave you INCREDIBLY vulnerable.

Way too soon to make this decision. Revisit in a year or two.

You're welcome, unless you're completely unaware of what's going on outside your own bubble, which frankly FAR too many are.

your concerns are reasonable.
How about an au pair?

You can't afford to stop work realistically. You are very fortunate to work part time and, yes, it will cost a fair bit for nursery or a childminder but it's only until child 2 is in school. Your biggest problem is school holidays.

Personally, id carry on working and probably full time.

Work and make cutbacks before no.2 and save save save every penny you can so you can manage childcare costs when they go to school and you could cut back hours to take care of your other family responsibilities.
It's not all about money and I hope your dh works together with you as it's his idea.

Don’t sacrifice your career and financial independence.

Especially since you are not married. You are vulnerable if you become a SAHM.

If he wants another child, let him make the sacrifices in terms of staying home to care for the child during their first 6-12 months.

What happens if you have another child and they are severely autistic too? Not only will you need to support your parents and brother in the future but your child too. Then your eldest child will be in the same situation you are now
.On the other hand that may not happen. You and your DP need to agree on you being a SAHM though If you can't agree then you'll have to stop at one child.

I’d seriously wait and see how you feel after going back to work. I wouldn’t want to do full time childcare for a toddler - it’s bloody hard work. Actual work is far easier! You may find the balance once you go back to work is just right for you.

Also, wait and see if you actually want more. If you do, go for it - but not because you think it’s for the first. There are so many reasons it might not be a lovely friend - including your second having severe disabilities, as you experienced. There are no guarantees in life. Have a second if you actually want one, not because you’re trying to engineer relationships.

I wouldn’t give up work myself. Nursery is for such a short time, it goes so fast. Yes, it’s expensive - but not as expensive as giving up work for the future. Look at it from the perspective of your whole life time, not just the next 5 years. You’d be losing out on more long term. And I’d never want to be reliant on someone else.

Can he not join an agency and pick up shifts around nursery or school pick ups and drop offs? Or go part time once the second is born? Or does he want a second child but it's only you who should make the sacrifices for that to happen?

Lol, yes 30 hours ‘free’ from 9 months. A full time nursery place with the 30 free hours included is still over £1k a month.

It’s not actually free. You get funded hours. But the price for the rest of the hours has just gone up. It’s still a very large chunk of most people’s salaries.

You say DP (not DH), so are you even married? You need financial security and legal security. I wouldn't be planning a second unless he was decent enough to do the right thing and marry you first. Because it sounds like you're not well off and you need that security/pension that marriage gives. So if not, no, I wouldn't. Accidents happen, but deliberately planning to bring a child into no security is not a good idea. And you giving up work and being a SAHM makes you even more vulnerable and insecure. If he walks out on you, you get f all. If you're not married, whatever you do, don't give up work! Please. Too many women learn the hard way during a relationship breakup or even death of their partner just how valuable that 'piece of paper' is. Tell him if he wants a second child, he needs to be a decent man and has to 'put a ring on it' (the wedding ring, not just an engagement ring) first before you even start trying to conceive. Respect yourself.

I would say just because you have a sibling doesn’t mean they will be close when they’re adults. My husband and his brother never speak to each other. No falling out just very different people (same mum and dad)

Oh I forgot. I'm an only child and would not have it any other way! No brothers or sisters, or even cousins growing up. I wasn't lonely at all. I had friends, and I had my parents undivided attention. Best of both worlds. This 'but they'll be lonely...!!!' is the biggest bullshit argument going. It really is insulting. I didn't think anyone was still using such an outdated, debunked and, quite frankly offensive trope in 2025. Some of my friends are only children, some have a brother or a couple of siblings. Almost all of the ones I know with siblings don't get on with their siblings. So it's not guarantee. They might hate each other, more than likely, from my anecdotal experience. For me, only child is best! I genuinely would not have it any other way, and that's the honest truth.

There’s a lot of “I” and not many “we”s when it comes to your finances and you are not married, it comes across like you are not a team financially. Do you have your name on the mortgage?
You are financially vulnerable- your dp is not willing to change jobs but you are expected to do all the compromises and childcare. In the event you spilt up you can cope with one child but with two it will be very tough. You need more security and a partner who is more willing to meet you half way with fincances and childcare.

Our nursery is flexible and allows us to book different days each week to suit shift patterns. Have you looked around to see if there are nurseries which would do this?

That sounds like such a tough situation, and you’ve clearly thought it through really carefully. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say you’d only consider a second child if you could stay home — childcare costs and logistics can be brutal, especially with no nearby family help. It’s great that you and your partner are already talking about it openly. Maybe keep the conversation going and see if you can plan a few different “what if” scenarios together. It’s a big decision, and it makes sense to be realistic before jumping in.

I don't know why you are stressing about it at this stage. You still have a small baby! Enjoy you baby and enjoy (hopefully) going back to work and revisit this question in a year or so.

For what it's worth - loads of people manage without parental help and loads of only children aren't lonely.

OP, I.presume the poster meant about the world.

One important thing to consider, OP, is that you have a case of severe autism in your own close family. This makes it more likely your own DC could have autism.

How would you cope if you had a child who grew up to be like your DB?

Can he ask for set shifts ? Lots of people where I work do it (NHS) and I know a couple of police officers who have set shifts.

Tbh I'd lose all respect for a man who watched me struggle like hell and then went 'oh let's have another'. Especially if it means you'll have to quit your job to raise the children. Would HE quit his job for the kids? I bet not! And nobody should if they can help it. What if you two split 5 years from now and you need to work? Good luck after t years off.

Nope nope and hell nope.

Also, as an only child, I was so so glad to be one. Why tf would I have wanted my parents to create a noisy infant to steal my toys and fight with me? No thanks. Just saying, not everyone wants siblings.