To tell my partner I’ll only have a 2nd child if I can be a SAHM?

[JayleaMine]

Our first is 7 months old. I’ll be going back to work when he’s 9 months, I’ve had to fight tooth and nail with work for them to agree to flexible working when I go back - I’ll be doing 4 days and finishing half an hour early to do the nursery pick-up. I was mostly happy with one and done, I figured we’d have a few years that’d be a bit tight financially but then he’d start school and childcare costs would decrease and then we’d have the money to give our boy a great life.

However DP is now saying he wants 2. I can’t see how it is going to work unless I am a SAHM. I can understand DP’s reasons for wanting to give DS a sibling. DP’s family are all abroad in a country that is not feasible for us to move to (very bad economy, no jobs). My mum and dad live an hour away, and they had me older and are pushing 70, they are also full-time carers to my brother who has autism and are in denial about the fact that he’ll need to go into supportive living eventually. I’ll end up organising provision for all 3 of them in the future which makes me feel ill with dread. I have a half sibling on my dad’s side but I expect she’ll only help with my dad.

I understand DP’s perspective in that our child will be lonely - we do know other one-child families but those kids have cousins. Our child won’t have anyone at all. I remember being a lonely kid growing up with a half-sister 20 years older than me and then a non-verbal autistic sibling who never acknowledged my existence. I’d love my boy to have a sibling to grow up with.

Even though my heart wants 2, I don’t see how it will work. Especially during the stage where one child will be at school and the other at nursery, and I would spend more on childcare than I would working until they reach the age where they are both at school and then have to be in 2 places at once come 5:30 to get one from nursery and the other from school. DP has rotating shift patterns so whilst he is a hands on loving dad, we can’t plan childcare around him. Dp changing jobs in not an option as if he stays at his current job a few more years there will be opportunities for a brilliant promotion.

The reasons we want 2 (for our son to have company as no family nearby) are the same reasons I feel like we can’t have 2 (no family support nearby!).

I think the only solution is that I do go back to work after this maternity leave (and save as much as I can in that time!), and then once I go on maternity with a potential second child then I will stay out of work until both are in primary school, and then go back to work. My partner earns £600 a week after tax and we’ve figured we can make it work (if we cut back on holidays, eating out, get rid of the nice SUV lease car and get a run-around) but I think DP is apprehensive as he grew up in severe poverty in his home country.

Just curious what others would do in our situation?

I have boy / girl twins - they are very different and don’t really get on. During teen years we had to put them in bedrooms on different floors of the house for some peace as they kept fighting! Don’t have a child for company for your son as it may not work out. Have a child because you want a child and do it when your hubby gets a promotion.
I am one of five children - the sister I was closest to growing up was almost six years younger than me as we were both sporty. My husband is very close to his younger brother who is 18 years younger than him

Interesting the number of replies saying OP needs her own money and job and shouldn't rely on a man. The man who is the father of her child/children and her partner. Yet the number of threads I see telling posters to claim benefits. Why are they exempt from providing for themselves? Why not tell those posters to earn money? Why do they put on the 'little lost girl look' when it suits, hoodwinking people. Why is it of any concern of the tax payer? Double standard.

I think people should do what is right for themselves within their individual financial constraints. As long as they don't claim benefits! Good luck OP.

Absolutely this !!
You have no protection. His career is secure with you looking after the kids. He continues to progress his career while you look after his kids. He pays into his pension. You don’t.

If he were to lose interest in you or his head is turned by someone else, where does that leave you ? We hear of this so much on MN.

At the very least I’d be saying to him you may consider other children but only if you get married first. That way you're protected in that at least you split the marital pot ( including “ his” savings and pension )

In 20 years when they have 2 grown up kids "the state of everything" will be a past memory?

I am a SAHM, I am married and I have two children.
I didn’t leave my job, I probably never would have as I liked the independence and the money. I got made redundant at the time we were trying for a baby.
So I leave work doing interviews and bam, I’m pregnant! Husband told me not to worry about it now just try to relax at home and think about work after.
My youngest is 5, I’m now thinking about what to do. Every job I like I can’t fit in, my Husband is gone early every day so I have to do the school run.
I could maybe work like a mid shift so like 10am - 2pm. Realistically how many jobs are like that.
So if your workplace is being accommodating think on that.
Secondly no regrets on having 2. They are amazing kids and I love them both fiercely and with all that I am. We have hardly any money now, we are seriously struggling with food bills. The mortgage is a fixed rate however and way less than rent.
Husband is looking for more income but it’s being a bit of a challenge.
That being said I had two pregnancies at home, brought up my children with no childcare costs and I am always here to help them with school work, go in to school for trips and workshops. There is so much going on in school, that it is hard to keep up.
My advise is please go back to work, you have a job there for you and can have a second in a while if you still want to be a SAHM after that, then go for it I guess.
There are advantages and disadvantages of it, we are even thinking about me retraining, so my husband can have a break from working and be a house husband for a bit.
I would have never willingly given my job up that’s just how the cards were dealt for me.

Don’t do it, stick with one. Having a child when not married is risky. Having two and being a SAHM is batshit. Plus the world is going to shit, who knows where mortgage rates are going, childcare costs, etc, never mind the fact having another gives no guarantee at all they will even like each other or support each other in any way. Give your existing child the best life you can, and be happy.

I honestly don't know anyone who was an only child who said they were lonely.

However, I have 2 children and my DH became a SAHP.

Today as a SAHP it doesn't necessarily mean not working. I'd start looking at what other work you could do and gain the skills to do that.

In addition to admin/customer service and IT/cyber security roles, actual physical skills like locksmith, plumber, electrician, painter/decorator etc are massively under resourced and will out strip pay for a good professional career without significant risk of AI taking over the job.

Where there's a will there's a way. If you want another child, make it work.

I'm pregnant with #3 and work full-time. I admit it's not easy, there have been challenges and sacrifices. But ultimately we are in a much better shape if I was a SAHM. Unless we were millionaires, I wouldn't have it any other way.

What's helped me is having them closer in age (2years apart each time) as the maternity leave allows me to spend time, and minimise childcare needs.

Conversely, when they're older I will consider going part-time as when they have homework, extracurriculars, GCSEs etc I expect they'll require more of my attention.

Nursery finish time are normally different to school times , and childminders can be very flexible , and friends can be as helpful as family so I think you are making the difficulty of managing two rather greater than it would be

and financially it would be very tight , no slack for anybody

and you have no idea if the siblings will get on at all. I am terrified of how to manage when my mother gets frail because I remember my sister bullying her way past dads and mams wishes when it came to his funeral . How on earth can I protect my mother’s interest against such a bully?

I can imagine that to be true sadly.
I don't think only children necessarily more lonely at home. I think it's more when parents die, especially if they die young.

Personally I don't think its a good idea in the current climate for anyone totally reliant on a wage (ie, no wealthy family or pre existing assets) to reduce their household income or extend their expenditure beyond comfort levels. To be considering both makes you vulnerable.
I think you need to not only look at the future you hope for (the promotions) but also worst case scenarios. He may not be promoted. How long do you want to live at that income level? What will your quality of life be? Whatoif he gets sick or loses his job and you have all your eggs in the one basket?
I think the reality is, for not especially high earners without family money, your wages are all that stands between you and absolute poverty. Personally I'd rather the risk was spread between two earners than one.

I think with a profoundly autistic sibling you need to be mindful of genetics as other pp have said.

I too have a profoundly autistic sibling. When first DC was born I was wary and watching for signs. By age 2 there had been no regression and they were fantastic with speech and I heaved a big sigh of relief and conceived dc2. Fast forward 2 years, and DC2 had a regression and it became clear they were also profoundly autistic. Dc1 started school, the wheels came off and we found they were also autistic.

I'm not saying this will 💯 happen to you, but the chances are statistically higher than the norm with you having autism in your immediate family.

I am married, and extremely glad of this - having disabled dc puts a HUGE strain on a relationship and the statistics of relationship breakdown in such circumstances are high. Yes we could still split but at least I am protected financially if we do.

Think very carefully about this OP.

I also agree with pp who have said DP needs to make some compromises if he is determined to have DC2. Including asking for a set shift pattern. If its ok for mums to do this its fine for dad's also.

Best of luck OP.

I assume you've read the threads on here about the unwed SAHMs lives going tit's up when their partner walks out and how screwed they are left, and have either planned for this or decided it could never happen to you?

My next question is why does your partner declare he wants another and then you run around counting the ways you can sacrifice yourself to give him what he wants? What's HIS suggestion for making this work? What sacrificeces is he offering?

Please do not become a SAHP if you are unmarried or you are not legally protected should the relationship break down.

There are too many threads on here that show you what happens if you just assume your DP will do the right thing.

Will his potential promotion in 2 years give him more flexibility or certainty with his hours?
In his workplace, how do other parents cope with the weird shift patterns?

Personally I would try to keep your earning potential in top shape as long as you can - your future self will thank you.

I dont know if it's ok to link other threads. But this lady was in fact married!

You dont even have the protection of marriage.

How does research quantify loneliness scientifically I wonder?

I would have thought I’d enjoy being an only child. But my mum and one of my best friends were OC and they both didn’t like it and ensured their kids had siblings. They spent a lot of time with their parents and grandparents which they kind of resented and found it quite pressurised to be the sole focus of attention as children and had no support with their parents in later life.

Equally, if I’d never had siblings I wouldn’t know what it felt like, but my siblings are some of the best things in my life.

If you’d end up paying more in childcare than you’d be bringing in, it’s a no-brainer!
Even if you’d be making a small “profit” you’d still be better off as a sahm setting your own schedule and having more time with the kids

i dont know why you would have another if you dont even really want one! just dont do it

People should definitely claim benefits if they are eligible (which includes child benefit, UC if they are on a low wage and fit the criteria or unemployed, PIP/DLA if they or their children have a disability), but also agree that having your own job and money is also very important. Those statements aren’t contradictory.

It can be challenging- but certainly not impossible to find roles that fit around school and nursery pick up, and a lot will obviously depend on what’s available in your locality. Both myself and DH work in the Civil Service, which means many days we are WFH and have the flexibility to do the school run in the morning. I actually work 0.75 FTE spread across school hours so I can theoretically do both school runs (although we tend to share them between us atm, as I’m 28 weeks pregnant). I know some other mums do cleaning or caring roles which offer shifts to fit around school, or consultancy work.

If finances allow PT work, that would also mean the child in school wouldn’t need to be in wrap around 5 days a week, which I agree, feels like a lot, and gives a couple of days when the younger one doesn’t need nursery.

I didn’t find the childminder or nursery plus school combo the biggest logistical nightmare actually (but then, with the childminder I was very lucky and found one who actually picked up from our house, which helped!). The worst was when my DDs were split between infant and junior schools at the opposite sides of town! When my DH couldn’t do one of the pick ups, it meant either trying to get my 4/5/6 year old to cover the almost mile between them or her going to after school club so I could do the junior school pick up first. But we muddled through during that two years and now both girls are at the same school again.

But to be honest, the biggest issue here I think is that you’re wavering on the idea of the second child. Which is absolutely fine. Your first is only 9 months. If I were you, I’d park things until you’re more certain about what you want.

I wouldn't be a sahm if I wasn't married. I say that as someone who is a sahm and love it. So first thing I'd do in this situation would be to get married if I wasn't.

I would also only have a second child if I wanted one. Not to give my child a sibling. I know too many siblings who at best have nothing in common and at worst hate each other.

I do think OP that as you have fought tooth and nail for flexibility at work you know it’s not easy but can be achieved. I see a lot of men saying “it’s impossible” but generally they don’t even ask, never mind fight tooth and nail to get flexibility in their own work. Let’s see a bit of effort from him if he wants a second child. If he doesn’t even bother to ask then you know how much he wants it.

This 💯

When my mum was dying my sister's behaviour made me cut her off for good.

She refused to do any care herself and dumped it all on me. Then she was verbally abusive to me for not providing care in the manner she deemed was best.

It broke our already fractured relationship and I will never speak to her again.

Better off as an only sibling

I was in a very similar situation to you. DH does shift work which has the same problem with planning as there’s no way for him to fix his days. That’s meant we always have to have full-time childcare available in case he happens to be working. It’s incredibly annoying and costly, but we are both higher earners so we can technically do it.

About five years ago, we were where you are in terms of debating whether to go for a second. I was an only child and lonely for most of my upbringing and that was my main motivation to have a second. Also, at the time we had support from DH’s parents. They were about two hours drive away but retired and willing to come down and help.

To cut a long story short, we went for the second and she’s now three. Our situation has changed hugely with family in that time and we now have no family support.

We juggle everything between us with a mixture of nursery and wraparound care for the older one at school. It has been incredibly hard and at times I have wondered whether we made the right choice.

On the flipside now we have no wider family. It feels even more important that we had a second because we have created a little unit and our eldest we’ll have a sister in lieu of the cousins she no longer has.

Now they are seven and three I’m just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m really enjoying being a family of four. But I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t been a bit of a slog to get to this point. And our household income has meant that we were in a better position to fund childcare too.

Why do you need to decide so soon? My boys have a 4.5 year age gap and although they are at different stages, we do loads together and it certainly is easier to have a second once the first is able to get dressed and use the toilet themselves. I know people with small age gaps and their kids fight like cat and dog, you can't tell how it's going to be. We didnt consider having another child until the first was age 3.
But you aren't even back at work yet, why are you trying to decide this right now? You coupd change jobs and be in a completely different position to now ina couple of years. If you arent aure then just wait it out, see how the next year goes and then think about it again.

I think all the arguments for having or not having a second child are well considered and valid. It's impossible for anyone outside your situation to decide. Maybe review after you have returned to work and see how you feel then.