To tell my partner I’ll only have a 2nd child if I can be a SAHM?

[JayleaMine]

Our first is 7 months old. I’ll be going back to work when he’s 9 months, I’ve had to fight tooth and nail with work for them to agree to flexible working when I go back - I’ll be doing 4 days and finishing half an hour early to do the nursery pick-up. I was mostly happy with one and done, I figured we’d have a few years that’d be a bit tight financially but then he’d start school and childcare costs would decrease and then we’d have the money to give our boy a great life.

However DP is now saying he wants 2. I can’t see how it is going to work unless I am a SAHM. I can understand DP’s reasons for wanting to give DS a sibling. DP’s family are all abroad in a country that is not feasible for us to move to (very bad economy, no jobs). My mum and dad live an hour away, and they had me older and are pushing 70, they are also full-time carers to my brother who has autism and are in denial about the fact that he’ll need to go into supportive living eventually. I’ll end up organising provision for all 3 of them in the future which makes me feel ill with dread. I have a half sibling on my dad’s side but I expect she’ll only help with my dad.

I understand DP’s perspective in that our child will be lonely - we do know other one-child families but those kids have cousins. Our child won’t have anyone at all. I remember being a lonely kid growing up with a half-sister 20 years older than me and then a non-verbal autistic sibling who never acknowledged my existence. I’d love my boy to have a sibling to grow up with.

Even though my heart wants 2, I don’t see how it will work. Especially during the stage where one child will be at school and the other at nursery, and I would spend more on childcare than I would working until they reach the age where they are both at school and then have to be in 2 places at once come 5:30 to get one from nursery and the other from school. DP has rotating shift patterns so whilst he is a hands on loving dad, we can’t plan childcare around him. Dp changing jobs in not an option as if he stays at his current job a few more years there will be opportunities for a brilliant promotion.

The reasons we want 2 (for our son to have company as no family nearby) are the same reasons I feel like we can’t have 2 (no family support nearby!).

I think the only solution is that I do go back to work after this maternity leave (and save as much as I can in that time!), and then once I go on maternity with a potential second child then I will stay out of work until both are in primary school, and then go back to work. My partner earns £600 a week after tax and we’ve figured we can make it work (if we cut back on holidays, eating out, get rid of the nice SUV lease car and get a run-around) but I think DP is apprehensive as he grew up in severe poverty in his home country.

Just curious what others would do in our situation?

You haven’t even returned to work after the first one yet. See how that goes first!

I’ve seen this mentioned a few times about having a sibling so an only child isn’t lonely.

This is just what I’ve experienced/witnessed but ive read a lot of posts on here that are similar and that have stuck in my mind because of my own circumstances.

I hate my sister.
She bullied me and made my life hell. We were constantly compared and she isn’t a nice person and even my mum admitted more than once that she regretted having another child because of the impact on my life.

My DP has 7 other siblings (different culture) and after being forced out of family loyalty to provide for them now is only close to one who is completely independent. He still has constant demands and guilt trips from the others.

My best friend is so different to her sister and fakes getting along for her parents sake but has admitted when they aren’t here that she will never speak to her again except if it’s necessary.

I have plenty of other friends who fought with their siblings and have told me they would have preferred to be an only child.

This is just my experience so I don’t know if it’s common or not but as I said I’ve noticed a lot of people posting similar on mumsnet.

Choose what’s right for you and don’t give into pressure for what your DP wants. You don’t want to resent a child that you weren’t ready to have.

There is plenty of time in the future to have siblings for your son if you still feel it’s the best thing to do. If the circumstances aren’t right now then trust your instincts.

Another option would be for your partner to do a flexible working request that one of his days off is always eg Monday.

That would give you three days a week with childcare rather than 4.….

Get married. See how he steps up with parenting when you go back to work. If he’s from a low income country with few jobs he might not realise men in the UK have to pitch in with domestic stuff and help is expensive to find.

Agree with pp about seeing how dh steps up with parenting before you make a decision

Be careful giving your job up if not married. I worked 4 days a week when mine were little. Yes it’s busy collecting from different places and costly, but a lot more help now than before with childcare costs.

You get the hours funded now - it doesn’t totally cover the cost but it’s something at least. Has your DP even asked to have eg just one of the days off to be the same each week for childcare reasons? Many employers are flexible. If you want two, have them. Cut down your hours but stay in the workforce, and prefereably employed but as an agency worker. It gets much easier when the youngest is funded and the eldest is in school.

I agree with this. Mine fight constantly and have to be separated most of the time.
It’s definitely easier with one and he will make friends as he gets older.
I had an older brother who hated me growing up, so I was very lonely despite having a sibling (we are friends now though)

Such a bizarre thing to say. Do you really think things are that bad? People have so much food they are eating themselves into obesity and using injections to control it. Most of the population go on holiday. We have cars, publicly funded healthcare, heating, running water in our homes.

What if everyone gave up having children when times were actually tough like during WW2 or the Black Death? There would be no society at all today.

I agree a sibling is no guarantee of a lifelong friend. I know more people in real life that have low contact or estranged relationships with siblings than a close relationship. I think books, movies and tv shows push this fake sibling closeness angle especially around Christmastime. I think reality is much different.

I wouldn’t base a decision on this nor would I give up work. Work is something I would negotiate and never give up.

Good luck OP whatever you decide.

I agree with this. most schools these days have before/after school clubs available for very reasonable cost which really help with drop offs and pick ups. Also have you factored in the free 15/30 hrs of childcare that is on offer now from the government? That could make a big difference in affordability. Another option, choose a school with a nursery for your 1st. Then take 2 yrs off with the second one (as school nurseries start at 2) then send them to that nursery. Then you have just one drop off and pick up and only have to not work for one extra year rather than 2/3. School nurseries tend to be good and affordable (though they do do school holidays too)

Speaking from a pragmatic POV, the U.S. is going through a major upheaval which no one saw coming, and because I do tax work, a majority of my clients were not prepared for the amount of layoffs (1.1 million so far this year), businesses shuttering, and seeing the greatest government shutdown in history. Yes thanks to the great orange pumpkin head it's come crashing down, but these people have regretted ever believing to prepare for "what if" that no one ever saw coming. Taking emotion out of it, what if DP lost their job, lost their ability to work, wasn't around anymore? Taking so much time off and not supporting your pension is also a red flag to be a SAHM, because here people are raiding theirs traditional retirement accounts just to survive, facing a 20% withdrawal penalty on top of tax payments. Just be honest if it's financially feasible, and look for all of the worst possible scenarios mentioned throughout, because you can't let emotion guide you in this pursuit.

In your situation I’d have another child. It’ll be tougher when at nursery and juggling that but it’s only for a few years.

You get after school clubs so although they’ll be at different locations can’t you pick them up at around the same time?

My biggest concern for you is the same as PP. I think having even one child with someone, and then not being married at all, puts you at an extreme disadvantage. Being married gives you financial security that you do not get just being a partner.

Having another child should not even be a thought unless you get married. I would not quit FT work unless I was married, to protect me and probably my child in case the relationship doesn't last.

JMHO, but you need to be wise.

Stop taking it personally, I would imagine the commentator is referring to the state of the UK and it’s unlikely to improve for many years to come! It’s a huge gamble walking away from the workplace for at least 5 years unless you’re in a very sought after profession, which may not be sought after in a few years!

It’s not at all! Just open your eyes to the reality! More children are in poverty than 10 years ago, inflation is rising, the economy has stagnated! Companies are reducing staffing due to NI costs and from April next year middle earners are likely to see a 1-2% increase in tax which is between £30 &£60 a month! Carry on burying your head in the sand if you wish but the educated can see what’s happening!

YABU to have another child to “stop your dc being lonely “. Awful reason to have another one.

You would find yourself in a precarious situation without marriage if you did ever split from your dp. Based on the salary dp earns is that really enough to live on if you become a sahm? The CoL is only going to go up.

What would be your career /earning options in 5 years time if you become a sahm? What about your long term options and pension?

Is there any nursery provision very close to the primary school? My DS2’s nursery was literally straight across the road from DS1’s school. I could pick them both up in less than 5 minutes.

In this situation I’d hold fire for a bit, go back to work with the flexible pattern you’ve fought for, and see how it actually feels working with just one. A larger age gap could make it more possible if the second baby doesn’t come until the first is going into reception (this is the gap I have with mine).

Also I think maybe take a look at your mindset that the childcare has got to be all on you. Why is there zero thought about your partner changing or fixing working patterns, asking for flexible working, or applying for a different role?

I’m now a single parent and actually do have to do almost all childcare myself but you can bet your arse if I had a partner I’d love the help!! Don’t voluntary become a ‘married single mum’. I was also very glad I had my career to support me when my marriage ended - and I used the time my kids saw my ex to retrain in a side-hustle too. Being a SAHM is financially risky decision, NO ONE thinks their family will break up but lots do.

What if your next baby is non verbal autistic?

You said you felt lonely growing up.

Having a baby as a playmate for the kid you already have, is a daft reason to have another child.

You say DP not DP.

Being a SAHM if you're not married is batshit crazy.

Sorry DP not DH

Don't have another child simply to "give your child a sibling". A second child isn't an accessory to the first, and it might not work out in the way that you expect - they might not get on, your first child might struggle with having another child in the household, the second child might be severely autistic or otherwise disabled etc. You can't possibly predict how things might turn out, so the only reason for having another child should be that you and your DH just really want another child. It doesn't sound like that's how you feel, so the SAH question is just a red herring from my perspective.

With an £850 mortgage that doesn’t leave a lot left over at all. I personally wouldn’t risk it, do you have savings? What if your boiler went, or your car needed work or something?

You only need to work 16 hours per week to be entitled to childcare assistance. Or get a term time job so you can use the subsidised hours exclusively. We have 2 in childcare for 4 days a week (40 hours) and it’s £1300 so I struggle to see how anyone’s full time take home pay would make it not worth going to work financially unless they had lots of other outgoings, which it sounds like you don’t!

Firstly, strongly recommend not becoming financially reliant on someone you’re not married to. What happens if he stops liking you and has no contractual obligations to you? Anything could happen in the future to stop you returning to work.

secondly, you could aim to space out children to lessen the nursery fee impact, for example, try for a 2nd baby just after 1st turns 2 and have a 2nd baby when your eldest is nearly 3, another 9mth mat leave and your eldest won’t be far off starting school.
i appreciate biology is unpredictable but a bit of spacing out gives you less of an overlap