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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS not home yet

212 replies

TeenMumCantSleep · 09/11/2025 04:08

DS 17 went out last night. Texted to say he’ll be coming home after 1am.
i can see where he is on the phone tracker but he’s not answering my texts and phone is going to vm.
do i go round? He’ll be annoyed as he’ll say I can see where he is, but he has not communicated what he is doing or if he is ok.
i went round to a friend’s house in the morning a few weeks ago and he wasn’t happy with me. I knew this friend, but I don’t know whose house he is at right now.
I’m worried but also so cross at his lack of communication - he knows I will be worrying.
what would you do?

OP posts:
BengalBangle · 09/11/2025 04:12

No, don't go round!!!
At 17, his old enough to not have Mummy track his every move.

Silvercoconut · 09/11/2025 04:13

Oh god I remember when my sons did this drove me crazy with worry.
I would go around. He can't just disappear all night - I know you know where he is but he needs to be answering his phone or texting you to tell you he's okay.
I told mine it was one of the conditions of being allowed to stay out so late, he is only 17 after all.

Silvercoconut · 09/11/2025 04:15

BengalBangle · 09/11/2025 04:12

No, don't go round!!!
At 17, his old enough to not have Mummy track his every move.

Well then he should answer his sodding phone to say he's not coming home and he's okay! He's 17 not 27

Original poster
TeenMumCantSleep · 09/11/2025 04:15

Thanks both … I don’t know how to reply to your messages!! I appreciate your feedback.. although I’m still not sure what to do as you said the opposite to each other 😂

OP posts:
Doyathinkhesaurus · 09/11/2025 04:16

Is he reading the messages? If he is - send a message saying you are worried and want to know he is safe and a message will put your mind at rest. If he does not reply there will be consequences.
if he’s not reading messages he’s probs asleep. Talk it through in the am.

Underthemagnificentbeechtree · 09/11/2025 04:16

17 is a tricky age! My eldest is 13 so I haven’t been there yet.

I feel that with no contact at all you don’t know he is okay just by knowing the location of his phone, so that’s not a valid argument on his part. If he wants to remain undisturbed he needs to get into the habit of sending a text at least!

Is the address a known address (a friend’s) and if not, is it residential?

Assuming he’s in a house, and especially if you know the house, I’m not sure you can go at this time of night - he and the other occupants (who all probably have no idea he hasn’t let you know of his whereabouts) will be asleep and it will create a major drama to rouse the house and ensure he’s there.

I might be tempted to pop by at 7am though!

Original poster
TeenMumCantSleep · 09/11/2025 04:16

Messages delivered, but can’t tell if they are read x

OP posts:
Cliveatnight · 09/11/2025 04:19

What are you worried about if you can see where he is?

Original poster
TeenMumCantSleep · 09/11/2025 04:23

I’m worried that he’s drunk if I’m honest. And I don’t know who lives in that house, although he did say earlier that he is with one friend that I know

OP posts:
Zoflorabore · 09/11/2025 04:27

I would message again and tell him that unless he replies to you then you will be round there in 10 mins or whatever just to see if it makes him answer you.
we never stop worrying no matter how old our dc are. My son is 22 now and I never settle when he’s on a night out until he gets home.

Meadowfinch · 09/11/2025 04:29

OP, if he's with a girl, the last thing he will want is you showing up. Or if he's with his mates, watching Youtube & playing computer games. Can't you remember how humiliating that would have felt?

He's told you he's fine, that he's staying out late. You can see where he is. Perhaps it's time to give him a bit of freedom & privacy, unless you have any reason to think he'll get too drunk to make his way home or that he'll try and drive.

Original poster
TeenMumCantSleep · 09/11/2025 04:30

I’ve messaged to say I’m coming round (although I’m not quite yet). No reply.
im sorry everyone, I can’t work out how to reply to your messages but I do really appreciate them x

OP posts:
Original poster
TeenMumCantSleep · 09/11/2025 04:34

He did get really drunk a few weeks ago, which is why I think I’m worrying so much.
Although I still haven’t gone yet!

OP posts:
Cliveatnight · 09/11/2025 04:35

He’s old enough to be away at uni in another year and you wouldn’t have a clue what he was up to then. I think you need to loosen the apron strings

Underthemagnificentbeechtree · 09/11/2025 04:35

If he had texted to say he was okay and staying over he could still be drunk though. So think clearly about what you want from him - is he not permitted to stay out because he can’t be trusted to stay within the safe limits of drinking? Or do you really just want to know that he’s safely at someone’s house so you can sleep?

PennyRest · 09/11/2025 04:36

OP I would find that so difficult too. I hope you hear back soon.

Cliveatnight · 09/11/2025 04:37

TeenMumCantSleep · 09/11/2025 04:34

He did get really drunk a few weeks ago, which is why I think I’m worrying so much.
Although I still haven’t gone yet!

What is the problem with him getting drunk though?

BruFord · 09/11/2025 04:39

I’d be annoyed too. He’s probably asleep but tomorrow, I’d ask him to please always send a quick text to let you know that he’s staying over.

That’s what I asked DD (now 20) to do before she went to uni and DS (17) is expected to do the same. Just a quick “I’m staying over at John’s house” is fine.

DS wasn’t great at this for a while so a few months ago I explained to him that I only ask him to do this because as his Mum, I worry about him and just want to know that he’s safe. He actually seemed to get it and gave me a hug, said that he knew that I loved him.

So if your DS gets stroppy, I’d advise being honest. Underneath the teenage attitude, they do love us !

FateReset · 09/11/2025 04:44

Oh dear, that's worrying. Frustrating for you. I would not go round though! He is over the age of consent. If he's with a girl, he would be utterly humiliated if you go there. Having his friends/girlfriend know his mum tracks him would be so embarrassing he may turn off location sharing!

Just wait for morning, then call him. If he's hungover you can than insist on picking him up.

Original poster
TeenMumCantSleep · 09/11/2025 04:47

Thanks so much everyone 🥰
I’m going to go round first thing in the morning.
BruFord I’m envious of your DS reaction. We have had this chat with DS many times since Sept this year, but the message still hasn’t sunk in. So as well as worrying that he is ok, I’m also pretty disappointed. It doesn’t help that DH used to be in the police, so his mind goes to worst case scenarios in this situation.
ill let you know how we got on in the morning,
I really appreciate all the replies xx

OP posts:
getthingsdone · 09/11/2025 04:51

My DS is 19 and had form to do this kind of thing between the age of 16-18. Every single time he was coming home this late and not answering his phone, he was absolutely pissed. He needed help getting home, so his friends or friends parents would take him home or phone me.
So OP, I'd say if you know where your son is right now, go and pick him up. He will likely be drunk and not be able to come home by himself.
I know how worried you must feel. Good luck!

BruFord · 09/11/2025 04:53

Cliveatnight · 09/11/2025 04:35

He’s old enough to be away at uni in another year and you wouldn’t have a clue what he was up to then. I think you need to loosen the apron strings

@Cliveatnight Do you have teenagers? I don’t know a single parent who doesn’t expect their under-18-year-old to let them know that they’re staying over with someone. We’re still responsible for them.

As you say, once they’re at uni, that’s the end of it. I have no idea what my DD (20) does but she’s learnt that it’s a good idea to always tell someone trusted where you are- so she and her flatmates communicate instead. They always know when someone’s not coming home that night. Better that than one of them getting into a dangerous situation.

lovemyboyz247 · 09/11/2025 04:55

I understand your worry, but don’t go round. He might have fallen asleep and that’s why he’s not replying and you turning up will feel embarrassing for him. I would also worry that he will block me from seeing his location in the future if he thinks you’ll turn up.

he should have let you know, but unfortunately our teens don’t do what we want them to. Hopefully he’ll message you back as soon as he sees your message.

For future nights out tell him you expect him to let you know if he’s staying out with friends.

Original poster
TeenMumCantSleep · 09/11/2025 05:22

Thanks for your messages everyone.
DS has finally messaged me… he ‘just forgot to tell me before he stayed round’ 🙄
so I know he is ok, can finally sleep and will be having words with him later.
thanks again everyone - I’ve never posted on mumsnet before. It really helped being able to hear all your opinions. Thank you all xxxx

OP posts:
getthingsdone · 09/11/2025 05:23

That's good! Sleep well, OP.