Hen party drama

[Horsingabout2]

My two best friends are in charge of my hen weekend. I’ve given them free rein within a couple of paramaters (including not to exceed a certain cost so as many people as possible can make it given it’s quite close to Christmas).

I am not in the WA group but I know they were putting the itinerary in there earlier. One of my friends has called me to say one of the attendees (my cousin) has kicked up a fuss about one of the meals being a butlers in the buff style evening. Said they won’t go on the weekend if that’s the plan. No one else has said they’ve an issue.

My cousin hasn’t contacted me directly. I don’t want my friends to have to rearrange things given the efforts they’ve gone to in order to arrange. AIBU to say that if she wants to be stubborn and not attend, that says more about her and how highly she must regard me?

Who is entertained by seeing a bum?

there is a sexual factor to it.

It is a bit stupid and grim. Especially as it is usually older women perving over young mens bums.

My friend (40)s went to a butlers in the buff hen party. She said the lads working there looked like they were 19 years old

You think it’s strange she’s making HER hen do about HER?

It’s her hen do being organised for her, of course she’s making it about her!

Im not a fan of butlers in the buff either but I’ve been to a hen do with it and didn’t complain. It wasn’t about me but was about making sure my friend whose hen do it was, was having the best time.

That is bullshit.

So should every man that is invited on a stag do, go to a strip club because all of the other men are doing it.

I know men thst have gone on stag dos, but they refuse to go to the strip club part of the stag do. They go back to the hotel

A lot of people, especially if they have partners, are not comfortable with strippers

As soon as I read the OP, I knew this thread would be full of people pompously declaring how awful butlers in the buff would be.

That’s not the issue.

OP, tell her it’s fine, she can sit that bit out (go back to the hotel or something) or sit out the whole weekend. Her choice, be nice about it, it doesn’t have to be a falling out.

It wasn't my cup of tea (would have hated it at my hen do) but it was meant to be funny. Bums can be funny.

The "sexual element" is played more for humour and novelty than anything else. Nobody expected to be actually aroused by it and I don't think anyone was.

It's totally fine not to like it and the cousin shouldn't be pressured into it. But it's not pornographic and it's not equivalent to a strip club. Like I said, it's more a novelty act than anything else.

It IS equivalent to a strip club.

You see women's naked bums at strip clubs

If you saw a woman's naked bum serving men dinner, would you think it was ok. Just fun? It is demeaning

Sorry but butlers in the buff??? That is super tacky, good on your cousin for having more scruples than attending such an event. Also if that is part of the weekend you can quickly judge that it won’t be the only part of the itinerary that is lacks taste. I’d pull out too

Meh, I wouldn't fancy that at all either

There doesn't need to be drama though,and you don't need to see a friend not wanting to sit through a naked butler meal as some sort of indication that she doesn't value you🙄

Just make it known that there is no pressure for people to join in any activity they don't want to and you're really glad they want to be part of it at all!

you've totally misunderstood my post. I wasn't complaining there's no waitresses in the buff. I said if there were waitresses in the buff there would be uproar over it (rightfully so) and its double standards because if waitresses in the buff wouldn't be acceptable, nor should butlers in the buff be acceptable.

Eeeeeeeuww. If your partner's stag weekend featured naked waitresses serving them a meal, wouldn't you feel that was sleazy? So is a "butler in the buff". Ick, ick, ick.......I think she has more class than the hen party organisers, TBH.

No, it really isn't. Strip clubs are public, they're designed to actually titillate and sexually satisfy, they often offer explicit services to get men properly sexually off (paying more and more as they go) and there's a very real and serious issue with trafficking.

And there's no point demanding that I justify butler in the buff to you. I already told you it's not my thing. I've seen them at a couple of hen parties, which is how I know the rules and the atmosphere. It's not a man gyrating and being actually sexually provocative in the hope of being paid more and kidding you that he's a bit in love with you.

I don't know how to make it clearer to you. You may just not get it. It's like comparing a guy in a Santa suit with his bum out in a women's weekly magazine to a top shelf porno. Perhaps you truly don't see the difference and think one really is just as exploitative and dangerous as the other. They might neither of them be wonderfully classy, but they aren't the same and that's really all I can say. If you're concerned about exploitation and so on, butler in the buff really isn't where I'd start.

Is it really a "drama"?
Or is the OP making a drama out of it?

I'm not sure she will be back given that most posters agree with the cousin.

I haven't misunderstood it, you're just blatantly back pedalling. There IS waitress in the buff and nobody gives a shit, that's the point. Because objectifying women is baked in everywhere, waitress in the buff is just one tiny part of it and so ubiquitous it doesn't need to be marketed for specific events with a punchy name, along with strip clubs, porn, OnlyFans, Hooters, the lot, and there IS no outrage. There was more outrage about PornHub bringing in age verification.

Because there is no demand for male strip clubs apart from a bunch of shallow, drunken ladettes on hen nights. Hardly enough to make a business out of it.

Exactly. The fact that butler in the buff stands out so much, has an actual marketing name and all that, is because it's so bloody unusual and there's so little everyday demand for it. That's why women only do it at hen parties. It's a NOVELTY act.

And it is absolutely fine to hate it and not participate! It's not meant to be classy, but it's also not meant to be actually provocative. And it isn't!

You mis read what I wrote.

I didn't mean it was equivalent to a strip club in that EXACTLY the same things happen in butler in the buff, and in strip clubs. Obviously more happens in strip clubs.

However, the premise is the same. People are paying to view naked young bodies. They are paying to view naked young bodies at butlers in the buff

If people are uncomfortable with the idea of strip clubs, they are also unconfortable with the idea of butlers in the buff.

Many people don't agree with paying to see a naked part of a person's body at all

Could have written this myself!

No it’s still their choice if they go. If she doesn’t want to go, then she shouldn’t go. You’ve clearly taken something more from what I said.

What I was referring to was that the comment was outraged she was making her own hen do about herself.

If it’s an activity the hen wants to do, then they should do it, it’s HER hen do. It’s up to the participants whether they go or not.

Why do you think there is no demand?

Have you heard of the Magic Mike stripping tour?

It is EXTREMELY popular with women.

The male strippers on Magic Mike don't just strip, they also simulate sex acts on women.

Loads of women go to these shows.

And it's just one show, and you know the name. Because it's so unusual. This is what "the exception that proves the rule" means. People trying to make out that men are objectified just as often as women and to the same extent will still reach for that bloody Diet Coke advert and not realise that if you have to go back 30 years, to a 20 second advert featuring a shirtless window cleaner, it might be because there is not actually much to find!

MM isn't pornographic either.

I would contact the cousin, ask her if she would like to do something just with you, and maybe those not into butler's in the buff and go and have a boozy (or not) lunch. My friend was married recently and I think had four different hen type events for all her millions of friendship groups. And then no drama and everyone is happy!

I have heard of it but don't know the specifics. I had a quick look to the website and if that kind of stuff is becoming all the rage among female population I might as well lose all hope for the UK and wish for Putin to nuke us already.

I'm constantly being accused of not understanding by people who just want to back pedal.

The premise is NOT the same. One is designed to serve up a plethora of women to actually sexually titillate and satisfy men with no irony, and it's available 24/7 and totally ubiquitous. The other is a self aware novelty act for a specific private event, designed to make women squeal about how rude and naughty they're being. There's no way that most women who've seen a butler in the buff spend anything like an equivalent amount of times in strip clubs. That's just ridiculous.

You don't have to like either. But the one guy as Santa with his bum out in a women's weekly among real life features, celeb gossip and soap opera stars is not the same premise as a pornographic magazine full of nude girls in explicit poses. I know you know this.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

I'd find it cringe and awkward so wouldnt be going.

And no, my husband hasnt been to a strip club. Not ignorance is bliss kind of thing - he's not a liar, has more respect for women and there aren't any local strip clubs anyway...

I don't think anyone on here said that men are objectified to the same extent as women.

I was replying to the poster who said that there would be no demand for clubs with male strippers.

Looking at the current market, there would be a demand for clubs with male strippers.

Male strip shows are extremely popular.

The reason we don't have clubs with male strippers, I think is that female club owners wouldn't go for the idea when they would rather open other clubs.

And male business men would prefer to open female strip clubs. As obviously they prefer to see naked women

Hence why we have no male strip bars. Even though there is a market there