Hen party drama

[Horsingabout2]

My two best friends are in charge of my hen weekend. I’ve given them free rein within a couple of paramaters (including not to exceed a certain cost so as many people as possible can make it given it’s quite close to Christmas).

I am not in the WA group but I know they were putting the itinerary in there earlier. One of my friends has called me to say one of the attendees (my cousin) has kicked up a fuss about one of the meals being a butlers in the buff style evening. Said they won’t go on the weekend if that’s the plan. No one else has said they’ve an issue.

My cousin hasn’t contacted me directly. I don’t want my friends to have to rearrange things given the efforts they’ve gone to in order to arrange. AIBU to say that if she wants to be stubborn and not attend, that says more about her and how highly she must regard me?

Some of us also don't really like the idea of bums around food.

I can't see many females wanting to go to such a club and see the willycopter. We just don't tend to be as focused on the physical as men 😂it wouldn't work!

What a shame that was the only way for her to pay rent.

Nope, I still stand by she can ignore unnecessary comments. Some people were so condescending and they could’ve said their thoughts on it without being so patronising. Sorry I seem to have worked you up so much this morning!

I agree, Education has nothing to do with being tacky and low brow.

I go to different hobby groups.

One group I went to recently was filled with well educated doctors, lawyers, psychologists.

Honestly, they were some of the worst people that I have ever met. Rude, nasty and also tacky.

A young man joined the hobby after me. The first evening that he was there, this group told him how useless he was and laughed at him.

I was in a group whatsapp with them , and I had to leave it because the psychologists and Doctors were constantly sending sexual jokes in it.

When I think back, the worst people that I have met in my life were well educated.

I used to think that if someone is well educated it makes them a good person . It doesnt.

Education doesnt stop people being an asshole. In fact good education, and good careers sometimes turns people into EVEN MORE of an asshole. "I am better than you' type.

I did an AMA on this a few years ago and acknowledged that yes, it is a choice to strip, but at what point does choice become lack of choice? It weren't for me, I am very lucky in that way but for some I worked alongside, it very much were.

Thanks for sharing your experience.

This is why I thought OP's comment about eye candy was so weird. When I've been at butler in the buff hen parties, the atmosphere was never one of actually being turned on and sexually satisfied from it. It was more like a novelty act, and the idea was to be a bit rude and funny rather than actually get off to it. The dynamics of a topless woman serving drinks to a group of men would be completely different and so would the risks (and yes I know MRAs will be infuriated by that but it's true, and in part because the industry of men being sexual for women is much, much smaller and much less likely to be actually physically sexual/pornographic in nature).

Nope, my husband did nothing of the sort on his stag and his friends aren’t the type to go to strip clubs.

Not all men enjoy the exploitation of women. For me, it’s not nothing to do with “cheating” or enjoying looking at another woman, it’s about exploiting women and buying “access” to another persons body.

That's quite a stretch. Where do I say the double standards work to women's favour? Obviously they don't. Just because men have access to naked women now it doesn't mean introducing something like 'waitresses in the buff' would be accepted in today's society. I think it would cause uproar. The other things you mention should cause more uproar too imo but simply don't because they've been around so long and are therefore ingrained in many people's minds to be acceptable (I don't think oogling either sex is acceptable).

Lots of women go to the Magic Mike travelling stripper show.

It is extremely popular with women. Huge numbers go to that.

Male strip clubs would work, just I think that women are too polite to open a chain of male strip clubs.

Some women do become part of "sex work" (broad spectrum) because of their situation. There was a story in our town where some women at a strip club had been found to have been trafficked from Eastern Europe.

She said she could get other low pay jobs, but stripping paid much better.

She has given a lot of interviews saying that stripping really helped her.

I think because many patriarchal men expect women to serve them and look sexy doing so at home (for free). The ‘fun’ of a butler in the buff is it flips this dynamic that women have had for millennia on its head. It’s funny precisely because it is so opposite of what the (typical) married life awaiting op will be.

No. I don't eye up other blokes wherever I am

we all secretly like a bit of eye candy when we’ve had a few Prosecco’s don’t we!
No, we don't!

I'm loving all the judgement from some people that others don't want to do tacky things.

Do you really not understand that a lot of people just don't find this sort of thing entertaining?

Really?

Why should the cousin pay for something she doesn't want to do?

They don't want to "lighten up"

I can't knit BTW

She can ignore anything she likes, but you telling her to ignore things you don't agree with is pointless and controlling. OP is an adult, let her decide what to ignore. Also, what makes you think I'm worked up? It's little to effort to point out the obvious.

Different people like different things. As seen by this thread, the idea of butlers in the buff is v divisive.

It's okay if you and your friends want to go for it. You're not doing anything illegal. But some people (myself included) really are repelled by the idea and would be incredibly uncomfortable the entire evening.

So if I were you I'd tell my cousin I understand why she doesn't want to join, she's welcome to the other activities or else you'll see her at the wedding. No drama.

Okay I’m bored of you thinking you can tell me what to say, I’m bored of going round in circles. I’m sure you’ll respond to this as you seem to want to keep going and I imagine you’ll want the last word, so go for it, but I’m done now 😊

People take stag and hen parties so seriously.

I was watching a podcast with jamie laing and spencer pratt from made in chelsea.

They were talking about they had a big falling out for a long time.

On the podcast, Jamie said that Spencer wouldnt go to his stag party, which started the argument. Because Spencer refused to go to Jamie's stag party, Jamie then didnt invite Spencer to his wedding.

Spencer said that he didnt go to the stag party because he wanted to stay away from alcohol, he doesn't drink and he doesnt like the idea of stag parties.

Jamie then said "but that is selfish, you were making it about you, you should have been there for me".

Apparantly they fell out for a very long time over this stag party. They are only now talking again

Where do I say the double standards work to women's favour?

Well what else could you mean when you complain that there's no "waitresses in the buff" and call it a double standard? Don't be ridiculous. You were obviously complaining of a double standard that is somehow unfair on men.

And it's risible. There isn't a label for such a specific arm of sexual entertainment of women for men because it's so bloody ubiquitous that there doesn't need to be. It's not novel or unusual enough to have a label. As you do seem to realise (because how the hell could you not), objectification of women for men is absolutely everywhere, completely baked into our society, and not as essentially a silly novelty act. If a group of men wants a topless woman to entertain them, they don't need a specific name for it because they can get it all over the place; Hooters still exists in a couple of places, they don't even have to be private about it (although I appreciate they're not topless, it's still totally out there on the high street).

The existence of butler in the buff, whatever you think of it, is indeed a sign of a double standard, but not the one you think it is. Men have so much of this that it doesn't need to be marketed under a specific label for stag parties as a novelty act.

Absolutely grim

Blimey, they sound a bit dramatic.

Just on a point of fact, they don't have their genitals out. They wear aprons and shoes, you can see their bums but that's it. I suspect they have some sort of modesty sock on too, just in case something goes wrong or someone lifts the apron (which is very much not allowed).

It's not supposed to be pornographic. It's a novelty act, really.