Friend keeps dragging up the past

[scotchpotch]

Not so much an AIBU, more of a WWYD but posting here for traffic. DH and I have been together for over 35 years. We see this particular friend once or twice a year (she lives in a different country, I’ve known her from school age). Every single time we see her, she brings up a huge, public stupid drunken argument DH and I had 30 years ago in a pub on NYE where I was in the wrong and made a fool of myself (I’d assumed he was having an affair - he wasn’t, he was actually planning a really fun ‘experience’ type gift for me which involved lots of clandestine phone calls!). I apologised and we agreed to draw a line under it. I cringe every time she mentions it. I’ve tried everything I can think of…laughing along with her, breezily brushing it off, redirecting the conversation, telling her it makes me feel uncomfortable, asking her to stop talking about it. DH has also asked her to let it go but she still mentions it every time and we are walking on eggshells as we both know she’s going to drag it up again! What would you do? Any ideas welcome. We text and call regularly and it’s never mentioned - only ever face to face.

Apalling behaviour, what a b*. Does she 'like' your dh and so seeks to undermine you?

Also friends don't behave like this. I get thats it's a shame as you otherwise get on, but I wouldn't tolerate this. Could you be equally tactless? Bring up things form her past that are cringe? With people liukat that fairness and subtlety often doesn't work. Either you hurt her back or quit the friendship, but after what she doesn't for years I'd have zero time for her. What a nasty cow.

She enjoys making you feel uncomfortable and embarrassed.

I'd tell her that having considered previous neet-ups you've decided to not bother any more.

At the very least, I'd respond by asking her whether she thinks Blur or Oasis will win the race to No 1; or if she thinks this Internet thing will take off or just be a quickly-passing fad; or if she agrees with what John Major is doing as PM and whether she thinks he'll win the next election or not.

When she asks, bewildered, why on earth you keep going on as if you think it's still 1995, tell her that you're confused too; but you know that it's her favourite topic of conversation every single time you see her, so you just went along with it.

@scotchpotch you've asked her repeatedly not to do something hurtful/humiliating and she keeps doing it, yet you refer to her as a friend???? That's not what friends do!

If I brought something up that embarrassed a friend then I'd be mortified.

Personally I just wouldn't meet up with her any more. Avoid it. If she then asks why then tell her why. Tell her you are sick of her being so disrespectful when you meet up.

Talk to her again. But this time make it clear it's a big issue

Presuming you would still like her in your life, you could try turning this around so the jokes on her. I dont know how many people are around the table but this works even if it's just you and dh; so I'm thinking, secretly set up a tote, trying to guess the exact time into dinner that she will start recounting the story, and as soon as she starts you or dh (I think dh would be most effective) jump up, announce the time loudly and see who's won. You could even wrap up a small prize.

I would never be able to stay friends with someone who does this. It reeks of jealousy and feelings of spite towards you. I wouldn’t be able to trust someone who doesn’t understand why it’s a very strange and emotionally hurtful thing to keep bringing up.

Realise that she sees this as a hold she has over you.

A thing she can use that makes you both uncomfortable - and that she enjoys prodding that pain.

Now decide - is she worth it? Is giving her the gift of your time and presence worth it? Really?

If not, your lives will be better off not having her in it.

If yes, you need to deal with her. Stamp on it. No eggshells, no anxiety.

Before you see her next, write to her.

Saying something like 'Looking forward to seeing you, with one proviso.

We've both noticed you've developed a habit of raking over a very old incident and bringing it up in conversation (usually after a drink?).

This causes us both distress.

We're sure you don't mean to do this - but unfortunately, that's the result of what you choose to do.

And the last few times you've done this have caused what should have been a fun and happy evening to become uncomfortable and upsetting to us both.

This needs to stop.

So next time we meet, let's consider that in the past, and the door closed.'

And if she does it again despite that? Get up and leave. She will have made her attitude to you both absolutely clear and made a conscious decision not to improve.

The fact that she keeps repeating the same story is annoying enough!

When she says it, hand over £20 to your DH and say you win, it was within the first hour etc! Shame her if she is trying to shame you.

When she says it, hand over £20 to your DH and say you win, it was within the first hour etc! Shame her if she is trying to shame you.

it was clearly such a seminal event in your life.

I love your whole post, but this bit really stood out to underline the utter absurdity of it all. It was one of the defining moments of her life; yet it didn't actually happen to her or affect her in any way.

It's a bit like dressing every day in full mourning gear and making your whole existence about your grief for decades after the cousin of a colleague of an acquaintance of your postman's grandma's hairdresser's ex-neighbour's MoT garage owner died aged 103!

ah Ok .. one option is if you see her again ask her

”are you asking cos you’re lonely without many friends?”

Ask her in person and watch her face for a reaction

Holy shit - about twice a year for 30 years.

That's 60 times.

She's probably spent at least 20 times longer talking about it than it actually took to happen. And it didn't even happen to her.

I'd send a text now OP whilst you have support on here.

It would be random and catch her off guard.
The wise ones on here can help you with replies as she'll probably be defensive and play it down.

Something straight to the point and seperate from your usual chats:

Hi TiresomeTina, just thinking, why do you always repeat the x story everytime we meet?

Doesn't sound like she struggles for conversation if you get along well otherwise.

Is it something she thinks bonds you together or something.

Some people live in the past. It’s often because their lives haven’t worked out how they’d hoped, yet instead of taking ownership for making their own happiness, they prefer to bring everyone down to their own level of bitterness.

I imagine she’s not actually a future-focused, joyful person to be around, full stop, irrespective of this particular historical moment?

If so, I wouldn’t personally message her with ‘pls don’t talk about X’ as it’s giving credence to something that the situation isn’t really about. she would just use it as a ‘ha, OP is still really touchy about it, example of why I’m right’, and add another way to bring you down.

Real friends don’t do this - and you can choose to limit your time with them.

Oh no, she sounds horrible! Can you speak to her specifically about this issue in a phone call (it’s too late once it happens)? If she continues to do it or tells you it’s your own fault, you know where you stand. She sounds unpleasant though and you’ve been very tolerant.

Be ready for it and the second she starts talking about it both of you scrape your chairs back, grab your things and walk out. No explaining, nothing. Just leave.

She knows exactly what she’s doing and has been asked to stop. If that’s not good enough then leave her hanging alone with her behaviour.

"You mention this every time we get together, and it's something that happened 30 years ago. Do you know why you keep doing that? Is there something troubling you in your own life, which makes it such a fixation for you? Just checking everything's ok, because it's quite odd behaviour".

When she brings it up explain very clearly that she brings it up every single time yous see her. It makes you embarrassed and uncomfortable. Tell her to not do it again. If she does the next time, literally just get up and leave. Don't talk to her again.

This is giving me strong shades of Arthur 'Two Sheds' Jackson here!

m.youtube.com/watch?v=HLjS3gzHetA&pp=ygUYYXJ0aHVyIHR3byBzaGVkcyBqYWNrc29u

I think the nuclear option would be:
Friend: haha do you remember 30 years ago when you thought your husband was cheating on you and you got all emotional on new years eve?"
OP: HAHA yes that's so funny, do you remember that time your husband DIED.

Of course OP, don't do as I would do.

Just cut this friend off. They're not a friend. They're horrifically jealous of the fact that you have a husband and you're together and they can't respect your boundaries.

People can only disrespect your boundaries if you let them.

I assume that she is lonely and doesn't have many friends because she isn't a nice person and isn't good company. You need to stop seeing/inviting her as she is deliberately trying to cause trouble and upset you. She isn't a real friend at all. You have asked her to stop and she won't so you are perfectly reasonable in withdrawing from this friendship.

Sadly the reality is she’s not a friend. This behaviour is not what friends do. I’d let this ‘friendship’ slide tbh, I just CBA with her silliness.

I’d suggest going further than asking her to stop. How about trying to talk about the reasons she brings it up, turning it back on her.
”So, you’re bringing this up yet again despite being asked not to by both me and DH?. I’m curious why you feel the need to do this. Are you unsure about what happened, as we can explain ONE LAST TIME. Or are you trying to belittle me for some reason? What is causing you to be so rude/ cruel/dismissive of our feelings/past friendship?”