Friend keeps dragging up the past

[scotchpotch]

Not so much an AIBU, more of a WWYD but posting here for traffic. DH and I have been together for over 35 years. We see this particular friend once or twice a year (she lives in a different country, I’ve known her from school age). Every single time we see her, she brings up a huge, public stupid drunken argument DH and I had 30 years ago in a pub on NYE where I was in the wrong and made a fool of myself (I’d assumed he was having an affair - he wasn’t, he was actually planning a really fun ‘experience’ type gift for me which involved lots of clandestine phone calls!). I apologised and we agreed to draw a line under it. I cringe every time she mentions it. I’ve tried everything I can think of…laughing along with her, breezily brushing it off, redirecting the conversation, telling her it makes me feel uncomfortable, asking her to stop talking about it. DH has also asked her to let it go but she still mentions it every time and we are walking on eggshells as we both know she’s going to drag it up again! What would you do? Any ideas welcome. We text and call regularly and it’s never mentioned - only ever face to face.

I'd be inclined to have DH with me and have him say something along lines of 'OK so given it's brought up every time we see you, do you need to talk about NY 1995 again? Let's get it out of the way now if so cos it's really boring, no idea why you bring it up when I, the person that got yelled at would have long forgotten about it if it weren't for you reminding us' Get it all off your chest today and it never needs to come up again, if it does that's due to some weird agenda on your part'
Her bringing it up comes from some insecurity on her part and if you try to talk to her she turns it on you, the only hope of ending it is to have DH try

Love the three words. Might start using them myself when my adult kids insist on bringing up the same embarrassing stories directed at me every time I see them 😂

She's a friend really ? -Why are you spending time with her, she sounds a twat.
"You keep bringing the subject up Brenda, are you feeling okay. "
" Do you think Brian is having a fling you seem concerned about affairs?"
" I think you need to see a doctor, you keep repeating things and it must be worrying for Brian."
Yes, I'm a bitch.😀

She does it to put you down as shes jealous of your happiness, she wont listen even if you text her before, you must have some juice on her when she starts ie ' do you remember that one night stand you had and you had to get the morning after pill' that will shut her up

I’m largely non confrontational but I do have my breaking point. I think she’d probably cry if I lost my shit at her!! Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I like the idea of the three words, that’s nice and succinct. Those of you who have commented that she probably not got a lot going on in life are spot on, she’s pretty solitary and lacks social skills. We do have a couple of hobbies in common but I guess I keep in touch with her because we did have fun in the past but also I feel a bit sorry for her. Probably not the healthiest thing to do on my part either.

Agree, my mum and dad loved a bit of shaming, each other and me. They hated each other and would bring stuff up at every argument that had happened 10, 20, 30 years ago.

I assume she's doing it to make her feel better about herself, she wants you to feel shame about what you did as she gets a kick out of it I think, but to be honest her intent is irrelevant, whatever the motive is good or bad it's affecting you, so I would stop seeing her.

I have a friend who for years liked to bring up a short and fairly embarassing period from when we were students. It was when we had just left home and I was trying out different identities, as many young people do at that age. It only lasted a couple of months and then I reverted to being me. But my friend liked to bring this up for decades after. I tried to stop her many times and in many different ways. What worked in the end was when she brought it up yet again, I took it seriously, and made her have a discussion about young people and identity and how young people do this when leaving home, and had she not heard about it before as it is such a common thing? It was excrutiating for her. It turned into not something about me, but something about her. She has never mentioned it since.

Maybe try that, OP? When she brings it up, ask her if there is some aspect that fascinates her about this one argument between a young couple, and why that is so interested to her all these years later? Make her squirm. I think the point of these comments, similar to those of my friend, was that they made her feel a bit better about herself that she wasn't so silly. But when she was the silly one, suddenly it didn't appeal so much to talk about it.

No I agree OP

I’m totally on your side with regard to her comments but I think your motives for staying in touch are wrong - even though they seem kind on the face of it - maybe she’d improve after you cut her off?

I'd tell her this is boring now having been on repeat for three decades and it stops now.

I suspect she’s disappointed you and DH didn’t split up, so you could be single together.

Did she egg you on about DH cheating?

I think she’d probably cry if I lost my shit at her
oh one of those.. gives it out but can’t take it. Then makes out they’re the victim.

She's getting her jollies from repeatedly (for 30 years!!!) distressing you. It's not accidental, you've asked her to stop. This is not friendly behaviour.

She brings nothing to your life, stop seeing her

I completely get that you dont want to upset her- noone does this out of pleasure unless they are a sociopath, but why is her upset or the prospect of her tears more important than YOUR feelings?

She is continually doing something that she knows upsets you, yet she doesnt care does she?

It's admirable that you dont want to cause her distress but please remember that her feelings are no more valid than yours. As far as she knows, you might be on the verge of tears having this stupid incident brought up 60 times over 30 years. Dont set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

I absolutely hate when people do this, and I personally would distance myself. So what if she’s an old family friend blah blah; she is supposed to be your FRIEND. You have asked multiple times for her to drop this subject, not bring it up, but she persists with it, why? - because it makes you squirm and feel uncomfortable, and she knows it!! She’s likes making you feel this way. She’s no friend sorry

Don't forget that many people will deliberately use crying manipulatively. They see it as their way of 'winning' and of making you out to be the bad guy for even slightly disagreeing with them.

I don't know if this is what your 'friend' would do, of course; but why is it terrible if SHE cries over something nasty that SHE continues to insist on doing, yet YOUR upset about her doing it for all of this time is 'just fine'?

Can you not say ‘this again? God it’s boring as hell but you seem obsessed by a daft row thirty years ago. Are you sure you’re ok? Have you anything else to talk about’ Or I’d dramatically remove her glass of wine and say ‘you must be plastered to keep bringing this up thirty years on despite being told not to’.

I was thinking that too

We had a similar acquaintance, some time ago now. Got to the stage of being blunt with them. No effect.

I used to say how could they do this when they know it makes me really uncomfortable and a friend of mine said... that's exactly why. They want a reaction or drama.

Thankfully lockdown intervened and it was easier to put some distance.

Maybe this twit wants you to get mad and start a to and fro between you and DH for their entertainment? "Guess what happened at dinner the other night... "

It's tricky if its in a friendship group and maybe you feel you want to give it one more try by direct speaking, but she's not being friendly IMHO

"I've asked you nicely, and repeatedly, to stop bringing this up. Don't make me tell you horribly."

Perfectly reasonable.
Followed by "If you bring this up one more time, this will be the end of our friendship as you clearly have no respect for my feelings or wishes."

when I tell her it makes me feel uncomfortable she says stuff like ‘well you shouldn’t have kicked off then/you should have thought about what you were saying’.

Agreeing with pp, I really think at this point that you will have to change how you respond. Instead of laughing it off, or however you have always politely responded, lean in towards her- into her space- and say calmly but coldly,
“Tracy. This happened 30 years ago. The only person who still thinks about it is you. It’s upsetting for me/us to see you dragging it up over and over again for no good reason. I didn’t think at the time and I deeply regret the incident, but as it’s the only one you have to shame me with I’m obviously not that bad a person. On the other hand we have you, repeatedly asked to shut up about it, but who continues to enjoy rehearsing it three decades later. Why? Why do you continually want to talk about it? Does shaming me make you feel better about yourself? If you want to keep being friends with me, this will be the last time, ever, that you mention it. Ok?” Then lean away, out of her face, and pass her the tissues.

This is the sort of message I would want to send, @scotchpotch.

“Hi Mabel,

Just a quick message ahead of dinner next week. Please do not bring up the argument dh and I had - it is ancient history, and as you well know, it pisses us off every time you drag it up. Other than this, we love your company, but if you cannot retrain yourself from raking over these old, old coals, we won’t want to see you again.

I hope you can (finally) respect our wishes on this.

@scotchpotch.”

I’d sack her off, would get in touch and if she did, I’d ignore her.

Harsh, but fuck them. You’ve both asked that it stops, but been ignored.

Thought the same!

"DING! And have bingo! Who had one hour twenty five minutes (or whatever) on the clock before this came up THIS time?"

She sounds like a fucking weirdo.

refrain from in-person visits and if she questions you, tell her why. “We don’t enjoy these get togethers because you invariably goad and jeer at us with references to an unpleasant event decades ago. We asked you repeatedly to stop raising the subject but you chose not to. Your choice.”