Friend keeps dragging up the past

[scotchpotch]

Not so much an AIBU, more of a WWYD but posting here for traffic. DH and I have been together for over 35 years. We see this particular friend once or twice a year (she lives in a different country, I’ve known her from school age). Every single time we see her, she brings up a huge, public stupid drunken argument DH and I had 30 years ago in a pub on NYE where I was in the wrong and made a fool of myself (I’d assumed he was having an affair - he wasn’t, he was actually planning a really fun ‘experience’ type gift for me which involved lots of clandestine phone calls!). I apologised and we agreed to draw a line under it. I cringe every time she mentions it. I’ve tried everything I can think of…laughing along with her, breezily brushing it off, redirecting the conversation, telling her it makes me feel uncomfortable, asking her to stop talking about it. DH has also asked her to let it go but she still mentions it every time and we are walking on eggshells as we both know she’s going to drag it up again! What would you do? Any ideas welcome. We text and call regularly and it’s never mentioned - only ever face to face.

"friend" - supposedly meant to add joy to existence not drain it - you do not need to be subtle in how you handle this or walk on eggshells - ditch her - if she asks why tell her the constant mention of a silly but regrettable situation 30 years ago is no longer funny, relevant or appropriate.

So then you say I assume "why are you still talking about this when I've asked you to stop"?

Call her before your next meeting and say when she brings up the argument from ages ago it upsets you so she is not to bring it up again.

If she brings it up again, youll leave her house/ ask her to leave your house.

But then you have to follow through and actually leave if/ when she says it!

Shell get the point if you repeat this. If she doesnt get it even after you ending a meet up then it’s goodbye.

She's trying to cause issues in your relationship. She's not a friend IMO.

She's using the incident as a stick to beat you. I wouldn't consider her a friend.

She is not a friend @scotchpotch She is an arsehole, who is bringing you down and negging you.

Anyone who brings up anything from more than a decade ago, to try and bring someone down, and make them feel bad or mock them and get cheap laughs out of them, (or turn people against them/make people think ill of them) is a nasty piece of shit.

Start giving her a wide berth. She is NOT a good person.

She isn't your friend.

You need to message her before you next meet up and tell her that you are sick to death of her bringing it up and that if she ever mentions it again, it will be the last time she ever hears from you.

Yep, only problem with this though, is that the OP has already told her friend to stop bringing it up. But yeah, she needs to be proper arsey with this so called 'friend.' Warn her that the friendship is over if she persists.

That's awful behaviour, if she's been repeatedly asked not to mention it and that it's old news and hurtful.

I would quite literally write down, on a piece of paper, your bets on when she will bring it up - for example, Saturday before 9pm or Sunday after lunch. Make it a written £10 wager. Or better still, write the bet that one of you says she WOULDN'T mention it as she's been told how hurtful you find it, where the other said she definitely would. Then just tuck away the paper in your pocket.

If she doesn't mention it, perfect. But if (and when) she does, you can whip it out and say "I told you it's be the first evening, pay up" or "oh look, I was right, I knew she didn't listen last time" and physically hand over a pre-planned £10 note.

If nothing else, it will cement it in her mind for next time!

Also friends don't behave like this.

This.

I'd think that she didn't like me to keep doing this.

Have some strong gaffer tape handy and advice that you will use if to tape her mouth shut if she dares to bring up something that happened 30 years ago.

Or just tell her to stop being a dick.

@scotchpotch

I wonder if this could resonate?

Unsure if you'd think of her as a narcissist though?

I'd be inclined to say to her as son as she arrives "I know every time you see us you bring up the incident where I got drunk 30 years ago, so would you like to discuss it now, so that we can get it over and done with and carry on the rest of our weekend in peace?"

Hopefully that will embarrass her sufficiently.

She's a weirdo and a bully. Why on earth are you still tolerating her in your life?

So you've asked her to stop, she refuses...just drop her as a friend. No one needs " friends" like this! You've moved on, if she can't, then ditch her.

A friend kept on telling everyone that I had polished off 2 bottles of wine at her house. Every time we met she would bring it up. Thing was it was her AC who had drunk the second bottle, I’d only had one, over 7 hours! Next time she mentioned it, I told her that it was her child who had the drink problem not me but I would happily replace it. She’s not mentioned it since. OP, call out this woman and if she doesn’t stop tell her you and DH are fed up hearing the same old story when she’s had a drink and will have to stop seeing her if alcohol is involved. She’ll soon shut up.

If DH is with you, you could use it as an excuse to start getting very touchy feely and kissing intensely, every time - or a version of that.

if alone, ‘confess’ that DH told you afterwards he actually found you incredibly sexy when you were jealous over him and that’s why you moved on.

chsnge it into a positive memory for you as a couple. She’ll probably stop then.

Was she invited to the big surprise celebration that was being planned so secretly?

If so, it's telling that she doesn't see fit to mention the big amazing party all the time; only the misunderstanding.

If not, was she expecting to be invited, and is still holding a grudge that she wasn't?

Three words @ISpyNoPlumPie: Stop showing off! I find that this usually shuts down most unwanted comments. Then proceed to ask why she mentions it all the time, if she says that it’s ‘funny’ then you can exclaim that “you and DH don’t find it funny after all this time, it’s a non event that happened 30 years ago! Surly something funnier or more interesting has happened in your life (her life), over the last 30 years: pretty sad if it’s not”

Actually love this idea!

Just say ‘Look, Hilary, your continuing obsession with an argument in which you weren’t even involved from 30 years ago is a bit concerning, as well as irritating. We were the people actually having the argument all those years ago, and it’s not something either of us has given a second thought to in decades, just as we don’t give a thought to other minor events from three decades ago. Why don’t you see a therapist to try to figure out why it still seems to be on your mind so much? What purpose does it serve for you to bring it up literally every time you see us? It is clearly some kind of itch you need to scratch, and bringing it up either gives you satisfaction or suggests some ongoing unease — but bluntly, it’s boring and annoying to us. We’re going to have to ask you to find another way of dealing with this psychological quirk of yours.’

Or just say ‘What argument? Are you sure your memory isn’t going? There there, dear. It will come to us all.’

Arrange with your dh that if she brings it up to just say
what do you think of the beef dh, I got it from the local butcher ?
It’s great, we should use them again.
And hold a separate conversation until she shuts up.

I think you have under reacted if anything. Do you have it in you to lose your temper with her? As in ‘ffs Deirdre not this again?’ Bonus points if DH says it instead of you.

She obviously enjoys making you both squirm. Sounds like a control issue 😐