Friend keeps dragging up the past

[scotchpotch]

Not so much an AIBU, more of a WWYD but posting here for traffic. DH and I have been together for over 35 years. We see this particular friend once or twice a year (she lives in a different country, I’ve known her from school age). Every single time we see her, she brings up a huge, public stupid drunken argument DH and I had 30 years ago in a pub on NYE where I was in the wrong and made a fool of myself (I’d assumed he was having an affair - he wasn’t, he was actually planning a really fun ‘experience’ type gift for me which involved lots of clandestine phone calls!). I apologised and we agreed to draw a line under it. I cringe every time she mentions it. I’ve tried everything I can think of…laughing along with her, breezily brushing it off, redirecting the conversation, telling her it makes me feel uncomfortable, asking her to stop talking about it. DH has also asked her to let it go but she still mentions it every time and we are walking on eggshells as we both know she’s going to drag it up again! What would you do? Any ideas welcome. We text and call regularly and it’s never mentioned - only ever face to face.

This is all her loss.
An ugly person.

Unbelievable. What a halfwit.

You’ve explained to her over and over what the problem is.

And she just can’t let it go. She has to be able to continue making this reference to past behaviour because she thinks it’s funny and a joke?

You are so well rid. She’s a spiteful fool. Even if she apologises in future, I would not be friends. She’s shown you who she really is. And I think she dislikes and is jealous of you - that’s why she has to put you down with the only relic of history that she has in her ammo.

Great job, OP.
No more walking on eggshells.

💐

I agree with this. If a friend isn't actually being a friend then just drop them.

Just read the updates. Well done OP!

She was "only joking and you can't take a joke"?!

Wow. Certainly tells you what she thinks of you, and how much empathy she's capable of.

Also... even supposing it HAD been a joke, an actual joke that had some kind of humour in it instead of just cruelty... what kind of person repeats the same joke in every conversation for 30 years?! I think I'd have had to stop seeing a person like that, just on the grounds that they were a giant bore!

I have a friend who does something a bit similar. She’s very highly strung and it’s often difficult to be around her. I don’t see her much anymore, but whenever she’s attended the odd gathering or party, she always has to bring up things from when we were kids, styles as a joke but more with a hint of trying to embarrass me. I can’t understand why this same thing must be mentioned every single time. As though she wasn’t a kid herself, or never played daft games or did “kid stuff”. Just odd.

Her answer says it all really. She doesn't respect you at all.

Even if it was just a joke, when you explained it was hurtful then she shluld have apologised. But she didn't.

Not a friendship worth having.

Well done both of you.

That tired 'I was only joking ...you can't take a joke' line has so often been used by controlling bullies who enjoy seeing others embarrassed.

Failing or choosing not to hear you and your DH telling you time and time again how she was upsetting you, refusing to accept her behaviour was at fault, turning the blame into you, not listening again to what you told her ...

Her whole interaction with you had at its heart your wariness over when she'd start.

This isn't the action of a friend.

Again, well done.

@scotchpotch

Another one chiming in with the chorus of WELL DONE YOU!

I have no idea though, how or why you tolerated this for 30 years! Most people including me, would have binned her off after a couple of years maximum. Sounds like you are far too nice and tolerant and patient. I am so pleased for you that you've had the strength to block and delete her now though!

Prepare for some fallout though, because you are now the bad guy, and the one in the wrong, (in her eyes,) and she will be badmouthing you to everyone she knows (who knows you too.) So be prepared for a bit of a backlash.

Stay strong though, and don't allow her to worm her way back into your life.

She very clearly didn't even see it as 'just a joke' herself, as surely any objective hilarity from the situation would have dissipated many, many years ago.

Also, a joke is a frivolous, lighthearted thing. Even if you do find something very funny, as soon as somebody else tells you that they don't find it funny, you just drop it, no big deal - because it's only a silly forgettable joke/non-joke and it isn't something worth doggedly clinging on to forever.

As PP said, you would instantly apologise if you realised that you had read it wrong; you wouldn't double down and bluster that the butt of the 'joke' had no right or cause in stopping you from constantly laughing at them over it.

Hugely well done, OP. And don't worry about losing a friend, because in fact, you still have the exact same amount of friends as you did before giving this nasty imposter the boot.

Thanks again, all! I think I put up with her for so long because of the physical distance between us and the fact that our text messages were always friendly. It was like she was a different person in real life. I feel like a bit of an idiot tbh! She’s deleted and blocked so she’s not worming her way back in, no chance.

Just wanted to say that a poster has messaged me but I can’t get into my non app account as MN isn’t recognising my email address. Apologies, don’t want to think I’m ignoring you!

Definitely the right decision. Has DH blocked her too? She may try and worm her way in through that door.