Friend keeps dragging up the past

[scotchpotch]

Not so much an AIBU, more of a WWYD but posting here for traffic. DH and I have been together for over 35 years. We see this particular friend once or twice a year (she lives in a different country, I’ve known her from school age). Every single time we see her, she brings up a huge, public stupid drunken argument DH and I had 30 years ago in a pub on NYE where I was in the wrong and made a fool of myself (I’d assumed he was having an affair - he wasn’t, he was actually planning a really fun ‘experience’ type gift for me which involved lots of clandestine phone calls!). I apologised and we agreed to draw a line under it. I cringe every time she mentions it. I’ve tried everything I can think of…laughing along with her, breezily brushing it off, redirecting the conversation, telling her it makes me feel uncomfortable, asking her to stop talking about it. DH has also asked her to let it go but she still mentions it every time and we are walking on eggshells as we both know she’s going to drag it up again! What would you do? Any ideas welcome. We text and call regularly and it’s never mentioned - only ever face to face.

She sounds jealous of you. I’ve had a few people in my life who have done this jokey “let me put you in your place behaviour” - I never do this and people who behave like this aren’t in my life any more.
This friend is resentful - perhaps of your relationship with your husband. It’s not the bringing up something that’s uncomfortable that is the issue. It’s the fact she’s not your friend. People who have your best interests at heart and who love you don’t do this.
I would cease explaining that she’s hurting your feelings/ making you feel uncomfortable. This is what she wants. Instead I would let this relationship go.

I think this is absolutely the right response. Elsa costume under some easily removable "normal" clothes, Spotify cued up ready to be blasted out the moment you nod to your DH, then full song and dance routine. Ideally a snow machine and glitterball. I would be very, very surprised if she mentioned it again.

On the other hand you might spend the next 30 years fielding reminiscences about your one-woman Disney flashmob. But then the joke's on her.

I think calling it out in this way would be helpful. “Barbara, I have told you many times it makes me uncomfortable that you bring this up. I don’t know if you realise you bring it up every single time we see each other face to face. We ask you to stop and you don’t listen. I don’t want to believe that you are deliberately trying to upset me, so could explain to me why you’re bringing it up again when you know it will?”

Yes, mention it in advance. Ask if she's going to bang on about this again, as if so you don't want to meet. If you then get 'you should have thought before speaking' say 'ok, that answers my question then' and end the call.

As soon as she starts to mention, interrupt loudly with, “for the love of all things holy in the world, are you still banging on about something from 30 years ago. World has moved on Janet, so you need to let it go ( burst into a little Elsa here).” And when she starts up again , again go over her loudly, singing let it go.

Just keep on interrupting on repeat. Unless she is really thick skinned, she will drop it.

God would I love to do the second option in your situation OP. You don’t have to be nice anymore, she’s not. Vicious. LOVE IT.

I wouldn't be seeing her twice a year if she did this. She's not being nice - simple.
If I'd told her to stop mentioning it and she didn't, that would be it. Bye bye bitch - because she is being one.

Could you try the "You've been here half an hour, Name. Isn't it time you started embarrassing us by bringing up that drunken fight we had in the pub all those years ago?" Keep on in the same vein every time you see her.

I agree with those saying to push back more firmly and try to make her uncomfortable raising it. If she responds as usual:
‘well you shouldn’t have kicked off then/you should have thought about what you were saying’.
then I would just continue to push back harder. Eg ’like you should be thinking about what you are saying now you mean, but actively chose not to?
or:
’Is your need to discuss this so great it matters more to you than our friendship, because you are going to have to choose. I will no longer accept this’
If she still wont drop it, you finally follow through and drop the friendship and be explicit why - her choice.

My SIL is like this, I was only 7 when my brother met her, she was 19. I’m 60 now and she drags up tantrums I had as a child, bad fashion choices as a teenager, dubious boyfriends I brought home aged 17. It’s really fucking tedious and it’s very much to ensure I know my place as the eternal annoying wee sister. I haven’t seen or spoken to her for years but hear through the grapevine that she’s still doing it, even though I’m not there.

i suspect she just enjoys shaming you.
Maybe it was the last point at which she felt she was more in control than you. So she goes back to that incident to reassert herself.

But regardless don’t be polite about it. She isn’t. You and your husband need to coordinate and say enough.

Eyebrow lift, pitying look - Sharon you really need new material luv' eye roll.
She sounds like a dose.

Bloody hell, after 30 years I think id blunt and say "for fucks sake, do you really have nothing else to talk about after 30 years? Any new hobbies? No? Just spewing out the same old shite?"

Drop her,shes just being spiteful. A true friend would listen to you.

Since you’ve already told her how it makes you feel, I would just say ‘Doreen, do you realise you bring this up every time we meet up?’ followed by silence/questioning stare. Make her feel uncomfortable rather than yourself.

Strange friend!

She clearly wants to upset you... and/or put a division between you and you DH. Not friend behaviour.

If you want to continue as friends, her weird behaviour needs addressing.

It seems to be aimed at dividing you and DH.

You could have a bet with your DH about how long it will take her to mention it and then very obviously laugh and pass money over. ( Tell her that you and DH always have a laugh about her doing this so obsessively).

This united laughing AT her is presumably the opposite of what she wants.

You could both simply and icily shut down what you are all doing as soon as she brings it up. (Remove the drinks or leave the restaurant or pack up and go to bed...) punish her by ending the fun for a while ... and show her how united she has made you.

You could gas-light her by claiming that you both have absolutely no memory of the incident. It never happened.

Have a list of her failings that the two of you immediately bring up as soon as she mentions the incident. Refuse to discuss the original incident at all.

Snuggle up together with DH in a simpering way and refer to the exciting way you made up. Look in danger of doing it to each other right there!

Have her overhear you explaining about the situation to someone else and asking what to do about it. (Show her this thread🙂)

My sister does this, especially when she’s been drinking. My preferred response is a massive eye roll and exaggerated sigh, then move on. Once she realises I’m not going to rise to it, she shuts up. It’s taken me a long time to have the self control to do it that way though!

I have a “friend” who does similar. Known her since secondary school. She’s got worse and worse the older she gets. If I asked her not to do something (like your friend has done) she’d dig her heels in and do it more. I don’t think she’s a very happy person. She’s bitter and jealous of everyone.

Keep a fiver handy at all times. When she brings it up, pass it to your DH saying “You win DH, you said she’d bring this up within the first X hours of getting here and you were right”.

You could gas-light her by claiming that you both have absolutely no memory of the incident. It never happened

HAHAHA! I actually love this - yes, you could both look blankly at her and say "er....what are talking about? neither of us recall anything like this happening", "are you ok Sandra? we're a bit concerned about you- perhaps you should make this your last drink eh?- you seem to be hallucinating". 🤪

How about completely denying it happened? You and OH could pretend to have zero idea of what she’s talking about and ask if she’s sure it was you.

Are you hanging on to the friendship simply because of the length of time you've been "friends"?

I agree with @WatchingTheDetective and @yellowstonesunset there is envy there. Repeatedly mentioning the incident from 30 years ago isn’t great but the follow up response doubling down on how you should have behaved shows a real dislike of you. I wouldn’t bother communicating anymore, what’s the point when she clearly has a malevolence that quickly surfaces whenever you see her?

I would just be blunt if she does it again: eg 'Gosh, you are boring, you have reminded us of that so many times. Haven't you got anything more interesting/recent to talk about?'
In reality maybe you don't have that much in common any more, which is why she is clinging on to past history.

I love this reply.
In fact, I’m going to pinch the ‘we’ve moved on, you clearly haven’t so it’s time for us to move on from you’. It’s a great answer!
@scotchpotch I would use something along these lines.
I would talk on the phone and tell her that if she brings it up ever again your friendship will be over and she will be asked to leave your home.
The older I get the less I will put up with shit from people- be strong.
Dont let her make you feel uncomfortable in your own home.
The sheer fact that you have posted here shows that you find it annoying, uncomfortable and probably upsetting. So tell her- no more.

"Before we meet up i'd just like to check when and where you are going to repeat that story you love telling about dh and I having a heated misunderstanding 30 years ago.
We have been considering restaging it, possibly to music as a birthday gift to you as it was clearly such a seminal event in your life.
Alternatively we have been considering having an argument about something else so you have a new story to tell, as the novelty has rather gone from this one.
We thought perhaps something about not liking each others friends, or standing up to people who talk shit about us?
Let us know your preference as I realise either way you will be dining out on it for the next 30 years so it seems important to get it right."

But thats the nuclear bitch option.