Friend keeps dragging up the past

[scotchpotch]

Not so much an AIBU, more of a WWYD but posting here for traffic. DH and I have been together for over 35 years. We see this particular friend once or twice a year (she lives in a different country, I’ve known her from school age). Every single time we see her, she brings up a huge, public stupid drunken argument DH and I had 30 years ago in a pub on NYE where I was in the wrong and made a fool of myself (I’d assumed he was having an affair - he wasn’t, he was actually planning a really fun ‘experience’ type gift for me which involved lots of clandestine phone calls!). I apologised and we agreed to draw a line under it. I cringe every time she mentions it. I’ve tried everything I can think of…laughing along with her, breezily brushing it off, redirecting the conversation, telling her it makes me feel uncomfortable, asking her to stop talking about it. DH has also asked her to let it go but she still mentions it every time and we are walking on eggshells as we both know she’s going to drag it up again! What would you do? Any ideas welcome. We text and call regularly and it’s never mentioned - only ever face to face.

I would be telling her (before she comes) not to bring it up again as it makes you both feel uncomfortable to the point of not looking forward to her visits.
And if she does, just tell her she has been asked repeatedly and now she can leave.

Just bin her off, you must dread seeing her. What’s the point? Life is too short. Like others have said, possibly a power play, takes enjoyment from seeing you uncomfortable, she’s likely a sad cow without much going on and is jealous of you. Does she gossip about other people? That’s another thing those types do. She’s bad energy.

🙄

"Blimey friend it happened 30 years ago and you're STILL obsessed about it! Are you ok?"
Failing that, dont meet up with her anymore.

If you really have to see her again (I don’t think I’d bother!) then try turning the joke on her - when she brings it up, don’t say anything, just quietly take a tenner out of your pocket and hand it to DH, saying “you win”, then tell her you had a bet on for how long it would take her to bring it up. Then change the subject and refuse to respond if she mentions it again, and tell her she won’t be invited again unless she can find something more interesting to talk about.

You should try getting her to read the book The power of Now you can never be truly happy I if you are Un comfortable with the way things are right now trying to find happiness in outside stuff is a waste of energy
the trouble is that we are all looking for people places and things to solve a non physical issue nobody thinks that iit is abnormal because everyone is stuck in the same mode of thinking

I’d ask what she was trying to prove and why keeps bringing it up and then just stare at her waiting for and answer and demand and answer. Then tell to shut up and never bring it up again and that she’s a bore with constant haranguing about the same subject over and over again.

@scotchpotch having told her how it makes you feel, and putting up with this for THIRTY years, I’d say you’d be mad to meet up again. She’s had her chances. Over and over. I’d have been done after she did it the first time after being told how upset it made me.

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Quick update from me. DH and I decided to video call her so we could talk face to face as much as possible. I asked her why she kept bringing up the past and she tried to brush it off with ‘I was only joking with you’. DH pointed out that we have both said time and time again that it’s not funny, it’s hurtful and annoying and we don’t enjoy her company when she visits because we know she’s going to mention this at some point. I told her a friendship based on one person making knowingly hurtful comments and references isn’t a friendship and she then ended the call. So that gave me all the answers I needed! Thanks for all your advice, I feel a lot emotionally lighter now.

@scotchpotch wow nice work!

whats the plan now? You going to let it be for a while and see what happens.

Thanks! Yes that’s the plan. If she initiates contact again then I’m going to reiterate everything DH and I said and suggest we cool things for a while if she apologises. If she acts like nothing’s wrong and repeats she was joking and we have no sense of humour then I’m calling time on the friendship. Life is too short!

Great update.

life’s so much lighter when you speak your mind isn’t it?

I’d just say “Ob god not this again, it’s soo boring” and yawn.

Well done, @scotchpotch. So much better to address it.

I think she is jealous and gets a kick out of making you feel uncomfortable. So no more “asking” her to stop.
maybe one final “tell”, then if she did it again, that would be it.

@scotchpotch is it really a friendship when one person persists in upsetting the other for years - despite being repeatedly told her behaviour hurts, being asked repeatedly to stop the distressing behaviour?
That’s not my idea of friendship.

Well done OP.
I really wouldn't trust her.
She is not your friend.
She doesn't wish you well.
You have history for sure, but she doesn't wish you well.
I would let her go.
SHE has ruined the friendship.

Yeah. She’s messaged me and she can’t see what the problem is because she was ‘only joking and you can’t take a joke’. I explained to her our friendship is over and have blocked and deleted her. I feel so much better. No regrets here, other than having put up with her fuckwittery for so long!

She didn’t like being called out on her nastiness did she? Sunlight is the best disinfectant.

A normal person would be mortified and apologetic not belligerent because she’s no longer allowed to wield the one weapon that she knows riles and upsets you both. Good riddance.

@scotchpotch that was the right thing to do. Who needs a ‘friend’ like that? She is not a nice person.

Good for you. You've done the right thing.

It's not a joke if no one is laughing. Good riddance OP, well done!

I’ve never heard the phrase “sunlight is the best disinfectant “ but it’s absolutely brilliant and I will be using it from now on, thank you!

Well done OP. It can be really hard to accept such a long standing friendship is over. She had been told multiple times she was upsetting you but she carried on doing it, therefore she was deliberately upsetting you. She was no longer your friend because friends don’t treat each other like that.

Bloody well done OP! What a monumentally stupid woman she is- she's lost a long, loyal friendship simply because she cant make the same tired old boring joke for 30 years in a row. What an epic idiot.

Perhaps the next time she feels lonely or needs someone to chat to who cares about her she can just sit alone and laugh to herself about that joke- lets hope losing a friend was worth it eh?