WIBU to assume this about invitation?

[MannersAreAll]

Possibly outing, but I'm so angry I don't really care.

Invitations arrived weeks ago for DH's relatives big birthday and it's been discussed for months.

Two arrived for adult age children plus their partners. Then one addressed to "Manners' DH, Manners & the kids"

Living in our house atm with us is our two younger children plus 3 year old relative. Basically an orphan who we have legal responsibility for and who will be with us forever. Has been with us for 18 months. Was part of big family Christmas last year, went to a family wedding on DH's side in the summer - basically has been treated as one of our children as we're their forever home.

Except it turns out is not invited to the birthday party as it's "family only". Only emerged when DH happened to mention us booking two Premier Inn rooms as we can squeeze DN in a travel cot anymore.

How shitty is that? This isn't a small party either. It's about 250 people.

I know people throw words around, but I'm genuinely fuming.

Thank goodness that little tot has you. What a blessing you are. You absolutely should not accept it op. I am not sure I could ever get past it.

In this scenario none of us would go. It will set the standard for all future invites.

YANBU - Disgusting behaviour, the 3 yo is yours now and won’t remember not being. This is a damaging message.

Good God what an awful person that man must be. He’s shown his colours to everyone now, his close relatives must be mortified. You & your immediate family sound fab.

Personally I would just check out the ground rules of invitation - eg is there an ago cut off for all invitees of say age 7? Or is this a genuine mistake? Once you have been able to confirm there is no misunderstanding and that your 3 year old adoptee is definitely the only one excluded then I would make clear that none of you will be attending as you cannot accept the exclusion of your 3 yo. You cannot control what they do but you can control your response.

They don't deserve your company. I hope you all still have a great weekend x

Sounds like from what op says the majority of the extended family do accept that. It's just the prick who's throwing the party that doesn't.

Are you positive there are other children that age going?

Op, you have a wonderful
family still, this doesn’t change anything and might bring you closer. It is just a party, it will come and go. I think you have taken exactly the right stand, you have full support on here and in real life.

I would chill now. Let it go. That little child is so lucky to have you.

This has been confirmed.

Firstly, she's clarified more than once that there are.

Secondly, the child hasn't been excluded due to their age, which she has also clarified more than once.

Yes.

Absolutely outrageous behaviour. Fucking nasty bastard. I wouldn’t go now if he begged on bended knee. Your mil sounds like a good egg.

Then I wouldn't attend but I think I would also want to challenge why they are excluding one child. Maybe they dont realise their behaviour is exclusionary? I would ask them I think. Once they understand it is coming across as excluding one child - if they dont change their position then Id exclude them back - by not attending. However id also be wondering if it is purposeful, strategic and what they were trying to gain by behaving like this.

Fucking hell. Some people are utter arseholes. I would also be concerned this exclusion is setting some kind of precident to exclude this little child in the future so you're gonna have to take a stand here and not go.

I wouldn’t be going end of!

Wow unbelievable nasty to leave out little one. Raising someone else’s DC is no small ask. Most people don’t give it much thought when a relative asks them to be guardian to their kids if the worst should happen. The assumption is well that’s never going to happen. But it has and you are doing it. You are a credit to your family for your kindness and dedication. That party isn’t worth wasting another thought on.

That is horrible. Glad the twat is being called out for it!

@Wooky073 My updates give their current stance - they know how it's coming across. Other family, including their own wife, don't understand it.

He’s a nasty little shit tbh.

250 people including other similarly aged children?? So even if for some reason he didn’t want this child there (and there is no reason beyond being a cunt, frankly) he wouldn’t even notice an extra 3 year old!

Sorry a Ukrainian orphan?

You've either got the wrong thread or mixed something up. None of us are Ukrainian.

You aren't being unreasonable! Unreasonable little one IS your child. You are their guardians, to all intents and purposes, you are their parents, they are one of your kids. To not invite one of your children is just not on, especially without justifiable explanation.. Huge hugs to you mama, you are not fuming on your own xx

What a breathtakingly cruel thing to do to a child. I have never understood the bizarre stance of biology taking precedence over ties of emotion and connection. In our extended family, we have children who were adopted, as well as stepchildren, in addition to biological relatives. They are all warmly welcomed to any event and treated exactly the same.

It's even worse that your DH's relative has dug in his heels and is refusing to change his mind. What a repulsive response. He could have apologised and admitted he was wrong. There is no way I would attend the party now that he has doubled down on his cruelty. You sound like a lovely person. It is definitely his loss that you and other members of your family have decided (rightly IMO) to skip the get-together.

@MannersAreAll - ah sorry about that. Somehow i got Ukrainian into my head. But the point still stands (obviously without the reference to Ukraine). Have reported my post and asked for it to be deleted.