WIBU to assume this about invitation?

[MannersAreAll]

Possibly outing, but I'm so angry I don't really care.

Invitations arrived weeks ago for DH's relatives big birthday and it's been discussed for months.

Two arrived for adult age children plus their partners. Then one addressed to "Manners' DH, Manners & the kids"

Living in our house atm with us is our two younger children plus 3 year old relative. Basically an orphan who we have legal responsibility for and who will be with us forever. Has been with us for 18 months. Was part of big family Christmas last year, went to a family wedding on DH's side in the summer - basically has been treated as one of our children as we're their forever home.

Except it turns out is not invited to the birthday party as it's "family only". Only emerged when DH happened to mention us booking two Premier Inn rooms as we can squeeze DN in a travel cot anymore.

How shitty is that? This isn't a small party either. It's about 250 people.

I know people throw words around, but I'm genuinely fuming.

Don't forget to send a card though.
An empty card.
Will hit home harder than no card at all.

In our extended family, we have children who were adopted, as well as stepchildren, in addition to biological relatives. They are all warmly welcomed to any event and treated exactly the same

This is why I've suggested to DH and MIL that we all step back and just let things settle for a few days because this is basically how the family has always been.

I mean, even birthday boy forgot that my eldest DD is technically DH's stepchild! She's been welcomed with open arms for over 20 years. That includes birthday parties for this man's children and even the wedding of one of his kids.

The little one has been to weddings, parties and the family Christmas since being with us. This family is very much a "one more is no trouble" kind of family so this has come from very left field.

Regardless of the outcome I'll never, ever, ever see him the same, but given how the family usually is I'd like to leave the room for him to say "I fucked up. Then I got embarrassed and doubled down like a knob" if that's how he ends up thinking. Things will be different, but at least they could be civil and relatively normal.

Your dh shouldn’t be going - it sends mixed messages.

Granny can travel with others.

What bloody difference would one 3 year old make at a mixed age event of 250?! There has to be more to this op, does he hate your dh?

Sometimes @MannersAreAll it is okay to tell someone to fuck off. We’ve had our children be the only children not invited to a family event (they’re not naughty) as the only children in the family who aren’t blood relatives. The only positive is that you now know that person is a scumbag and no longer worthy of your time.

I’m so very sorry that this has happened, miserable for you, and I’m furious on your behalf.

As a stepmother, I’ve had a few passive aggressive comments (and worse!) from one or two extended family members, it seems that some people don’t think how their actions can be hurtful.

Much love to you, and all your kids and husband

💕

Disgusting behaviour on their part to a 3 yo. F them, I would go no contact for this. You don't need such people in your life x

"They" are not. One male person is.

Of course you would have assumed they were invited. They are one of your 'kids'! I'm afraid none of us would be going if I were you. I'd have no wish to celebrate with someone who treated a child that way.

I wouldn’t go .

Edit- wrong thread

The youngun IS part of your family. Not every member has to be by blood. I would let everyone know why you’re not going, and have your own party, with those who are important to you. What does your DH say about it?

OP, this is awful (as all the others have said). Especially since the little one has presumably been through quite a lot to not be with their parents.

Sack these cnuts off. Such a lack of compassion.

I'm not surprised you are angry. It's disgusting. I hope your DH has the guts to stand up to his family member and say it's all of you or none of you.

That's absolutely awful. I wouldn't go and would cut contact with them. Poor little boy :(

OP, how often does "Birthday Boy" see your family? Is there any possibility that he simply forgot about your little one when adding up the numbers and then stupidly doubled down when he realised his mistake? I do agree that you should try to avoid one person's actions turning into a wider family rift in which you end up vicariously falling out with people who had nothing to do with the decision not to invite your little one.

Take him. He's invited. He is one of the family (your DN, presumably) and it just said 'the kids'. He's one of the kids. We have step and adopted DC in my family. They are all 'family'. Your DH's family want a lesson in manners. Give it. Take DN - he's invited, it said so (kids). If any of DH's lovely relatives says he should not be there ask where you are supposed to stuff a child who is yours and DH's legal responsibity, where are their manners and stuff their party. And leave. This makes me so angry! Thoughtless people without manners or empathy and compassion. Their idea of 'family' is one I reject. People are family by blood and marriage, so your DN is kin by marriage. Twits.

Have you read OPs updates? She clearly says that DH’s family are upset by this and it’s solely the decision of the family member who is throwing the party.

I wouldn't do that to the wee one, myself, or the vast majority of DH's lovely family.

If his cousin maintains his stance then none of us will be going and it will be the end of any relationship we have with him.

My MIL, his dad, his sister and his own wife don't agree with him.

We see him very often. We cross paths 2/3 times a week at kids activities.

I am hoping he simply forgot then reacted then doubled down as that would make him an absolute twat. But at least not originally malicious. However, atm he's not budging so that's just a hope.

There's no real danger atm of us falling out with other people, but I do worry that long term it could become awkward for people who are outraged atm but who are closer family to him - his dad, sister etc.

However will cross that bridge if and when we get to it.

But if he’s a relative he’s family ?

Op has answered this more than once.

The child is family on her side.The party is her DH’s side.

Regardless, the child is now family anyway.

It says you, dh and the kids
no problem, take them all

As it's been clarified, she can't (and won't)

What an absolute twat. How dare he.

I would never speak to him again.