WIBU to assume this about invitation?

[MannersAreAll]

Possibly outing, but I'm so angry I don't really care.

Invitations arrived weeks ago for DH's relatives big birthday and it's been discussed for months.

Two arrived for adult age children plus their partners. Then one addressed to "Manners' DH, Manners & the kids"

Living in our house atm with us is our two younger children plus 3 year old relative. Basically an orphan who we have legal responsibility for and who will be with us forever. Has been with us for 18 months. Was part of big family Christmas last year, went to a family wedding on DH's side in the summer - basically has been treated as one of our children as we're their forever home.

Except it turns out is not invited to the birthday party as it's "family only". Only emerged when DH happened to mention us booking two Premier Inn rooms as we can squeeze DN in a travel cot anymore.

How shitty is that? This isn't a small party either. It's about 250 people.

I know people throw words around, but I'm genuinely fuming.

Well I hope no-one else is daring to take fostered or adopted children with them.

The child is part of your family. They are totally unreasonable. I wouldn’t go personally.

From what I’ve seen it’s the husband’s cousin.

It seems atm like there won't be any backtracking. It's his party and he can invite who he likes...

I do think this is perhaps in part because quite a few people have had a go at him - including his father, his sister (she was told by their dad) and his wife. His wife has actually gone out of her way to message me to say she didn't know he'd taken that stance, doesn't understand it and doesn't agree with it whatsoever.

I have suggested that everyone just step back and calm down for a few days. DH will see him on Wednesday at pick up as one of ours and one of his go to activities at the same time in the sport centre.

I won't be going to the party regardless of what happens, but I'd rather something not escalate into a huge family row if it's just a thoughtless error that's since turned into feeling backed into a corner. This is a very big family and a very close family, it's very confusing because it's very very unusual. This is normally the kind of family where "Ach one more doesn't matter..." is the normal attitude.

You sound totally decent and reasonable as do most of your extended family. Is it possible that they think that your ‘adopted’ child has behavioural problems or is it solely because your adopted child is not a blood relation?
if it is the latter then I would have nothing more to do with them. They are not with the airspace and your blended family deserves better.

in this situation none of my family would attend. I would have zero interest in a relationship who treated one member of my family as an outcast

Sorry, a bit confused...you say that the problem is that the party is supposedly for 'family' only but early on in the OP you mention a '3 year old RELATIVE' which is surely then 'family'? 🙄

It's even meaner to exclude them because of what they have gone through. It's not their fault they are living with you. But now they are not even seen as being your family. I could not forgive this level of nasty fuckery.

Be brave OP. Don't be afraid to call them out. You don't have to be nasty but you can say you are disappointed in how horrible they are. But it is who they are and they are clearly not able to change.

Sorry, a bit confused...you say that the problem is that the party is supposedly for 'family' only but early on in the OP you mention a '3 year old RELATIVE' which is surely then 'family'? 🙄

No need to be rude with your eye roll.

The 3yo relative is related on my side. The party is on DHs side so technically not family.

It shouldn’t matter as you are looking after an innocent 3 year old, but you say ‘basically’ an orphan. Could the objection be something to do with this and disapproval of one of the parents?

Tbh it doesn't really need me getting involved much.

DH is dealing with it. MIL has our backs, and has made her view very clear.

Even the guys own Dad, sister and wife have had their say. If he's not going to back down for any of them then his cousin's wife making a point isn't going to change it.

So why on earth would you assume they have been invited?

So why on earth would you assume they have been invited?

Because, as I said, the child lives with us and the invitation was addressed to "MannersDH, manners & the kids"

They've been to weddings, parties and Christmas. Someone deciding to exclude them in this way is not normal.

This! If it was a case of no under 5s/under 10s etc fair enough. But a case of "not family" then im sorry but they could include the rest of us in the not family category too. My husband and I have a mixed family and neither us nor our adult children would tolerate this utter shite.

Horrendous behaviour.

Team OP

You are the legal guardian of that young child, but what if you had adopted him/her? Would that make this baby "one of the family"? Then that would be very hypocritical, since legal or not, adopted or not, that child is yours for the rest of your lives and I think the extended family should just accept that 🤷🏼‍♀️

Its in the OP, the party invite originally was addressed to OP, Dh and the kids. So the assumption was this included all of the kids in the household.
It was later clarified that they meant only DHs bio kids, and turns out the organiser also forgot OPs eldest isn't her husband's child either.

It says "and kids" therefore all your children, be they your direct offspring or adopted/fostered etc. You are definitely not unreasonable to read the invitation as being your whole family group.
Perhaps you should decline the invitation and none of you go.

I wouldn’t go coz they are assholes so mean no one to stand up for them so you should x

YANBU. The invitation is poorly worded, and not inviting the 3yr old is cruel and vile. I find it hard to believe they could be so heartless and I would refuse to go.

He forgot that your dd was 2 when you got together with his cousin?!

I’m thrilled with your mil and other relatives’ attitude, good on them!

I’m sorry for the loss of your cousin, particularly hard hitting when you have so few family members on your side and that you’ve experienced the tragedy of her leaving behind her toddler. 😢

@MannersAreAll - well for all my preaching: if your BIL is determined to double down on this, then any resulting rift is entirely on him. It just seems so odd, especially given even his wife is with you on this. Does he have form for being incredibly stubborn? (No need to answer that!).

He’s an absolute monstrous shitbag, good for you for taking in this little one and also not standing for this crap. I hope he has a miserable birthday reflecting on what a cunt he has been.

You are a partnership and both committed raising this child as your own. The child is family, his comment also disparages you - the little one is “only” your relative so clearly he considers you not real family. Really glad everyone has your back on this. Unbelievable

When he said "family only" did your dh not say "he is family"

I mean, how would you even be able to go, in a practical sense, if the 3 year wasn't invited? Doesn't sound like there would be many babysitters around if you have little family and DH's side are all at the party? Seems insane that you'd think anything other than the 3 year old was invited.

I wouldn't be leaving a 3 year old with a random babysitter, never mind a 3 year old who's already had all that trauma. What a strange thing for birthday boy to do.