Page 7 | WIBU to assume this about invitation?

MannersAreAll · 2025-11-01T16:28:18+00:00

Possibly outing, but I'm so angry I don't really care. Invitations arrived weeks ago for DH's relatives big birthday and it's been discussed for months. Two arrived for adult age children plus their partners. Then one addressed to "Manners' DH, Manners & the kids" Living in our house atm with us is our two younger children plus 3 year old relative. Basically an orphan who we have legal responsibility for and who will be with us forever. Has been with us for 18 months. Was part of big family Christmas last year, went to a family wedding on DH's side in the summer - basically has been treated as one of our children as we're their forever home. Except it turns out is not invited to the birthday party as it's "family only". Only emerged when DH happened to mention us booking two Premier Inn rooms as we can squeeze DN in a travel cot anymore. How shitty is that? This isn't a small party either. It's about 250 people. I know people throw words around, but I'm genuinely fuming.

Biffsboys · 01/11/2025 23:30

I actually can’t believe I’m reading this ! What kind of person would do that to an innocent 3 year old 😡

LaserPumpkin · 01/11/2025 23:33

LaurieFairyCake · 01/11/2025 23:06

I would assume it’s YOU who’s not invited OP. You’re the one who’s ’not family’ ie. Not blood relative

and that by saying it’s the 3 year old they know you would have to stay home with them

Well, that’s quite a stretch.

What makes you think that, when OP was named on the invite?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 01/11/2025 23:34

Some people really are awful aren’t they?! I’m glad to hear all your grown up kids are sticking together and not going either. These people need to realise how unacceptable their behaviour is.

Flippineck67 · 01/11/2025 23:37

See, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from being petty here and exclude invites to whoever is not a blood relative going forward. As in, if the DH isn't a blood relative, never invite him for anything you're doing.

If they query it, I'd passive aggressively say something like "I thought you said we are now only inviting blood relatives since you excluded 3 year old!?"

I would make sure that none of my family went to their event. It would be all or nothing from me based on their reason for not inviting. Scumbags!

BeanQuisine · 01/11/2025 23:39

"Family only" but 250 people? Some of those must be quite distant family.

Original poster

MannersAreAll · 01/11/2025 23:44

BeanQuisine · 01/11/2025 23:39

"Family only" but 250 people? Some of those must be quite distant family.

Tbh with that one not really with their family.

MIL and DH's Uncle (birthday boys dad) are 2 of 15. DH has a ridiculous amount of cousins (I think it's 57 or something insane) and lots of them are really quite close. I think because his Granny is still alive it keeps people in contact, and because MIL has 9 sisters that also helps.

The fact my kids other than the 3yo are invited means he's invited Aunts, Uncles, cousins and partners and cousins kids (and partners for the adults ones).

His wife also has a large family.

OP posts:

Original poster

MannersAreAll · 01/11/2025 23:47

I'm reading all the replies and very glad that it seems like he's a lone figure and this isn't something we're likely to face often.

I've no real update to give at this point.

DH is fuming. MIL is fuming. MIL has spoken to her brother and he's sure there's been a miscommunication.

No idea what will happen, but I'm not going regardless. Our adult children are saying they won't forgive ever either.

He'll get politeness and civility at family events at most.

One of DH's other cousins has offered to take his Granny. Although his wife has also said she's not going as she's also outraged.

OP posts:

LittleNote55 · 01/11/2025 23:47

250 people is a huge family!

It’s awful of them I’m sorry, I’d not go either.

Original poster

MannersAreAll · 01/11/2025 23:48

londongirl12 · 01/11/2025 23:26

On the positive side, you appear to have a really supportive MIL!! That doesn’t happen often on MN 😂

My MIL is amazing.

Always has been. She is honestly a lovely, lovely woman.

If I can be half as good as a MIL then I'll be very happy.

OP posts:

JJZ · 01/11/2025 23:51

MannersAreAll · 01/11/2025 23:47

I'm reading all the replies and very glad that it seems like he's a lone figure and this isn't something we're likely to face often.

I've no real update to give at this point.

DH is fuming. MIL is fuming. MIL has spoken to her brother and he's sure there's been a miscommunication.

No idea what will happen, but I'm not going regardless. Our adult children are saying they won't forgive ever either.

He'll get politeness and civility at family events at most.

One of DH's other cousins has offered to take his Granny. Although his wife has also said she's not going as she's also outraged.

It sounds like you’ve got a lot of support here, which is great.

That poor little one - they’re so lucky to have you.

Needspaceforlego · 02/11/2025 00:17

MannersAreAll · 01/11/2025 23:47

I'm reading all the replies and very glad that it seems like he's a lone figure and this isn't something we're likely to face often.

I've no real update to give at this point.

DH is fuming. MIL is fuming. MIL has spoken to her brother and he's sure there's been a miscommunication.

No idea what will happen, but I'm not going regardless. Our adult children are saying they won't forgive ever either.

He'll get politeness and civility at family events at most.

One of DH's other cousins has offered to take his Granny. Although his wife has also said she's not going as she's also outraged.

Big families and jungle drums along with miss communication. It happens. Bit like Chinese whispers.
Are you sure he realised the 3yo was with you both permanently?

He wrote and kids, that to me would include the 3 yo. Did he need to double check numbers, they could be at capacity for the venue?

Endoadnowarrior · 02/11/2025 00:54

So partners of adults are invited - presumably at least some of these aren't married so arent technically family - but your dependent, adopted (to all intents and purposes) child is not?! Wtaf is wrong with people?!

Clearly they have no idea of what "only family" actually means ffs

Sorry OP that's totally shitty of them!

Needspaceforlego · 02/11/2025 01:42

I hadn't thought about that they've invited un married paetners.

Honestly Op it doesnt seem like the sort of thing they'd do. I'd give the benefit of the doubt and accept its miscommunication.

When DH asked about your neice, the Uncle wasn't thinking about some other child, (that may not actually exist) other than the one who lives with you? Or completely forgetting the 3yo neice is effectively yours.

fromadistance2025 · 02/11/2025 01:52

I wouldn't be fuming, I'd have been annoyed and then I'd have decided I was done with him. He's not worth being angry with tbh. I'm glad you're not going. Now you know who he really is.

PfizerFan · 02/11/2025 02:29

This is outrageous. How old is this relative? Is it an older person and he's forgotten what happened?

Dery · 02/11/2025 03:57

“DH is fuming. MIL is fuming. MIL has spoken to her brother and he's sure there's been a miscommunication.
No idea what will happen, but I'm not going regardless. Our adult children are saying they won't forgive ever either.
He'll get politeness and civility at family events at most.
One of DH's other cousins has offered to take his Granny. Although his wife has also said she's not going as she's also outraged.”

I think it’s shocking and i completely understand your anger.

Obviously, if he maintains his position, then it’s on him and he’s an utter arsehole.

But if this guy sees sense and confirms that your 3 yo is invited (which he surely will), it seems unnecessarily harsh and destructive for you and other family members to maintain an implacable refusal to attend the party.

Assuming there has not been a miscommunication, this is obviously a complete fuck up on his part - thoughtless and unkind - but people do fuck up and this is a fixable fuck-up which i think he should be allowed the chance to fix without this becoming a huge and divisive thing which festers in the family which it surely will if you all maintain an implacable refusal to attend.

Have you never fucked up? Have you never done a bad thing and needed forgiveness? Because God knows i have. And i have been grateful for the forgiveness and the opportunity to make amends. You’re clearly amazing people and this is obviously and rightly a very sensitive thing for you but do you really want to model an implacable refusal to forgive?

And if nothing else, wouldn’t this be a wonderful opportunity for extended family to meet and welcome your little one? Rather than having it become a story of alienation from your BIL and his family because he initially took a crass and insensitive position on a party invitation?

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 02/11/2025 07:22

MIL isn't going - she is absolutely livid

Nice to see this.

Americano75 · 02/11/2025 09:37

I'm so glad you have so much support on this.

Shinyandnew1 · 02/11/2025 10:15

The irony is that one of the older children is mine pre-DH and when DH said "oh so presumably Xxx isn't invited either then on those grounds?" there was a lot of spluttering and a "maybe I've not thought this through, let me speak to the wife" backtracking.

Bonkers!

Have you told him that none of you are going?

godmum56 · 02/11/2025 11:51

Dery · 02/11/2025 03:57

“DH is fuming. MIL is fuming. MIL has spoken to her brother and he's sure there's been a miscommunication.
No idea what will happen, but I'm not going regardless. Our adult children are saying they won't forgive ever either.
He'll get politeness and civility at family events at most.
One of DH's other cousins has offered to take his Granny. Although his wife has also said she's not going as she's also outraged.”

I think it’s shocking and i completely understand your anger.

Obviously, if he maintains his position, then it’s on him and he’s an utter arsehole.

But if this guy sees sense and confirms that your 3 yo is invited (which he surely will), it seems unnecessarily harsh and destructive for you and other family members to maintain an implacable refusal to attend the party.

Assuming there has not been a miscommunication, this is obviously a complete fuck up on his part - thoughtless and unkind - but people do fuck up and this is a fixable fuck-up which i think he should be allowed the chance to fix without this becoming a huge and divisive thing which festers in the family which it surely will if you all maintain an implacable refusal to attend.

Have you never fucked up? Have you never done a bad thing and needed forgiveness? Because God knows i have. And i have been grateful for the forgiveness and the opportunity to make amends. You’re clearly amazing people and this is obviously and rightly a very sensitive thing for you but do you really want to model an implacable refusal to forgive?

And if nothing else, wouldn’t this be a wonderful opportunity for extended family to meet and welcome your little one? Rather than having it become a story of alienation from your BIL and his family because he initially took a crass and insensitive position on a party invitation?

Edited

I dunno.....he had the option to change his mind when on the phone to his actual brother. Honestly I am shocked that anyone would even consider excluding an adopted 3 year old child because he is "not blood"
Personally I could take it as far as managing to behave politely in public and not putting blame on the rest of his immediate family because of his choice. For me forgiving is not an act of will and neither is forgetting. Behaviour I can control; feelings not so much.
@Dery have you EVER fucked up as badly as this, so deliberately and savagely?

Dery · 02/11/2025 12:16

@godmum56 - i agree he’s been an utter arsehole. And obviously if he sticks to his guns, then he remains an utter arsehole and it’s all on him. But i’m talking about what could happen if OP’s BIL tries to make amends.

Can i say i’ve never fucked up so deliberately and savagely? I’ve never made this particular fuckup (nor would i: i have a very inclusive attitude to family) but frankly there have been occasions when i’ve fucked up badly as a mum, as a wife and as a friend. Not often. I like to think i’m generally a loving and kind person. But when i fuck up, i really go for it.

So perhaps that’s why i’m such a fan of forgiveness and second chances and so grateful for the grace i’ve been given. Perhaps i’ve been forgiven more than i should have been. But i have good, loving relationships with those around me and no reason to think they regret giving me
second chances.

I just feel strongly there is an opportunity to turn this around, allow OP’s BIL the chance to make amends, give OP’s BIL the opportunity to learn better what it means to be family, introduce OP’s little one to the wider family and generally get this family event back on the correct path. This appears to be a generally close and friendly family which has always included OP’s first child in family events (as it should have, of course).

Or there’s an opportunity to allow a huge rift to become entrenched with bad feeling and resentment on both sides which leads to loss of part of the little one’s extended family. Is that really the best outcome here? I just don’t think so.

But look, obviously the OP and her DH know the facts on the ground. They are clearly amazing people. They will make their own decision.

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 02/11/2025 12:43

Dery · 02/11/2025 12:16

@godmum56 - i agree he’s been an utter arsehole. And obviously if he sticks to his guns, then he remains an utter arsehole and it’s all on him. But i’m talking about what could happen if OP’s BIL tries to make amends.

Can i say i’ve never fucked up so deliberately and savagely? I’ve never made this particular fuckup (nor would i: i have a very inclusive attitude to family) but frankly there have been occasions when i’ve fucked up badly as a mum, as a wife and as a friend. Not often. I like to think i’m generally a loving and kind person. But when i fuck up, i really go for it.

So perhaps that’s why i’m such a fan of forgiveness and second chances and so grateful for the grace i’ve been given. Perhaps i’ve been forgiven more than i should have been. But i have good, loving relationships with those around me and no reason to think they regret giving me
second chances.

I just feel strongly there is an opportunity to turn this around, allow OP’s BIL the chance to make amends, give OP’s BIL the opportunity to learn better what it means to be family, introduce OP’s little one to the wider family and generally get this family event back on the correct path. This appears to be a generally close and friendly family which has always included OP’s first child in family events (as it should have, of course).

Or there’s an opportunity to allow a huge rift to become entrenched with bad feeling and resentment on both sides which leads to loss of part of the little one’s extended family. Is that really the best outcome here? I just don’t think so.

But look, obviously the OP and her DH know the facts on the ground. They are clearly amazing people. They will make their own decision.

Edited

I could understand that if he’d sort of forgotten about the adopted child (but weird still!) - but he’s had a phone call and reiterated its family (blood?) only.

but surely many family will have non blood partners? Especially with 250 people going.

unless he apologies profusely I’d not go to the party either.

Nearly50omg · 02/11/2025 12:54

So he HAS invited non family if he’s invited partners of other relatives?

godmum56 · 02/11/2025 13:11

Dery · 02/11/2025 12:16

@godmum56 - i agree he’s been an utter arsehole. And obviously if he sticks to his guns, then he remains an utter arsehole and it’s all on him. But i’m talking about what could happen if OP’s BIL tries to make amends.

Can i say i’ve never fucked up so deliberately and savagely? I’ve never made this particular fuckup (nor would i: i have a very inclusive attitude to family) but frankly there have been occasions when i’ve fucked up badly as a mum, as a wife and as a friend. Not often. I like to think i’m generally a loving and kind person. But when i fuck up, i really go for it.

So perhaps that’s why i’m such a fan of forgiveness and second chances and so grateful for the grace i’ve been given. Perhaps i’ve been forgiven more than i should have been. But i have good, loving relationships with those around me and no reason to think they regret giving me
second chances.

I just feel strongly there is an opportunity to turn this around, allow OP’s BIL the chance to make amends, give OP’s BIL the opportunity to learn better what it means to be family, introduce OP’s little one to the wider family and generally get this family event back on the correct path. This appears to be a generally close and friendly family which has always included OP’s first child in family events (as it should have, of course).

Or there’s an opportunity to allow a huge rift to become entrenched with bad feeling and resentment on both sides which leads to loss of part of the little one’s extended family. Is that really the best outcome here? I just don’t think so.

But look, obviously the OP and her DH know the facts on the ground. They are clearly amazing people. They will make their own decision.

Edited

perhaps you are, in general, a nice person?

ItIsNotTheDog · 02/11/2025 13:31

I think it is outrageous, and very weird that they think an adopted(?) orphan is not part of the family.
However if they backtrack and invite all the kids, and feel sorry and realise their mistake etc, please allow them to have made a mistake, don't let it the divide the family, people need to stick together in this mad world.
Everyone being outrageous about it is going to make them feel defensive so they are more likely to stick to their guns. If people point out in a friendly way that it doesn't make sense, it gives them more an opening to agree and change the plans, if that makes sense?
The above only works if you can think it is just a human error without realising the consequences, and not something done out of spite or wanting to be deliberately mean.