WIBU to assume this about invitation?

[MannersAreAll]

Possibly outing, but I'm so angry I don't really care.

Invitations arrived weeks ago for DH's relatives big birthday and it's been discussed for months.

Two arrived for adult age children plus their partners. Then one addressed to "Manners' DH, Manners & the kids"

Living in our house atm with us is our two younger children plus 3 year old relative. Basically an orphan who we have legal responsibility for and who will be with us forever. Has been with us for 18 months. Was part of big family Christmas last year, went to a family wedding on DH's side in the summer - basically has been treated as one of our children as we're their forever home.

Except it turns out is not invited to the birthday party as it's "family only". Only emerged when DH happened to mention us booking two Premier Inn rooms as we can squeeze DN in a travel cot anymore.

How shitty is that? This isn't a small party either. It's about 250 people.

I know people throw words around, but I'm genuinely fuming.

Even IF the 3 yo had misbehaved, are you honestly telling me you'd host a 250 strong party including your cousin, his wife and 4 of their children but refuse to let their 3 yo and then lie about the reason?

Did you read anything op read? Her DH mentioned the 3yo coming, the IdiotCousin classic said they weren't invited because he's not family. Half the family are up in arms. Do you not think of this was just about OP worrying that he didn't want them there, this would all be resolved by now?

It made my stomach drop to read it. I can imagine how hard this must be for you, your husband and your family. I'm so sorry you all have to go through this.

Some posters are querying the state of the adoption/foster situation. It's really not relevant (to me). If, for example, OP had a non-related child (such as a godchild or good friend's child) staying with them for a period of time and the cousin knew this but still excluded them from this same event ("as they're not family!"), I would find that odd and mean too (not on the same scale obviously). The fact that the 3yo IS family just makes his attitude reprehensible.

So sorry @MannersAreAll that’s awful!

They are heartless.

Some posters are querying the state of the adoption/foster situation. It's really not relevant (to me).

I mean the child has lived there permanently half his life & will continue to live there permanently!

As in not a legitimate reason for the cousin to leave the child out.

You cropped:

If, for example, OP had a non-related child (such as a godchild or good friend's child) staying with them for a period of time and the cousin knew this but still excluded them from this same event ("as they're not family!"), I would find that odd and mean too (not on the same scale obviously). The fact that the 3yo IS family just makes his attitude reprehensible.

Think my meaning was pretty clear

It's all very odd atm. Cousin is now saying that of course child is invited and he would never have said otherwise.

Apparently people must have misunderstood something as he'd never say what is being suggested and he's quite irritated, almost offended, at the suggestion.

This is despite the fact he reiterated his stance to his father and his wife!

DH is currently trying to work out if he's gaslighting the life out of all of us or if there is something going on that we should be very concerned about.

I'm staying well out of it all and have actually engineered been invited to meet up with a friend of wee one's mum and their child. It's about two hours in the opposite direction to the party so regardless of outcome we cannot go.

@MannersAreAll Sounds like th cousin can't bring himself to apologise and is now realising what an absolute Dick he has been and this is the only way he can handle the disapproval because he can't admit to doing anything wrong

That was my initial instinct, but DH isn't completely sure. He said cousin is a very good actor if his surprise at the suggestion he said the wee one wasn't invited is fake.

His cousin is someone for whom this would be totally out of character hence the wondering. He's also not someone normally afraid of apologising according to his wife.

It's all very odd.

Personally, I think you should make the effort to go to the family party otherwise, since he has denied the fact that he even suggested that DC was not invited to everyone, it might cause a rift in the family. It seems many family members stood by you, I don’t think you should leave them high and dry now he has backtracked through their pressure. Also It could be the start of a memory problem. In addition, I am sure your friend would understand and rearrange another meeting, friends usually do.

I'm going to throw out a MN conspiracy theory - given this odd, out of character behaviour - is there any possibility that idiot Cousin had a relationship with 3 year-olds mother?

I think you have to take it at face value, esp if its out of character, that he's miss understood something.

Has DH said something along the line of 'We need 2 rooms because of Maners Nephew..' and he's completely forgot Maners nephew is with you permenatly?

It doesn't sound like its worth causing a rift over.

I'm going to throw out a MN conspiracy theory - given this odd, out of character behaviour - is there any possibility that idiot Cousin had a relationship with 3 year-olds mother?

None whatsoever.

there was a lot of spluttering and a "maybe I've not thought this through, let me speak to the wife" backtracking.

Sounds like he has forgotten this part of the initial conversation with your H. Why would he have to speak to the wife if you were ALL invited? He would just say - "you are all invited"!

To be a good liar you have to have a good memory.

It sounds like he has not got a good memory

mmm if I was his wife, I'd be keeping an eye on his future behaviour in case its the first sign of something neurological. Yes I know its a reach but behaving in a way which is out of character can be a first sign.

That’s really shitty. I’d be letting them know that DN was your de facto child and should be treated as your child. If they refuse, none of you go to the event.

That’s really shitty. I’d be letting them know that DN was your de facto child and should be treated as your child. If they refuse, none of you go to the event.

That’s really shitty. I’d be letting them know that DN was your de facto child and should be treated as your child. If they refuse, none of you go to the event.

No, I’m not buying it for a second. If that was the case and it was truly a misunderstanding it would have been put to bed days ago. He’s been a twat and is irritated that he’s been called out on it. Fuck him.

Something doesn’t add up. I do wonder about it being early signs of a neurological problem, as someone else has suggested. My other thought is that actually he’s not a nice person at all but is very good at pretending to be, and he accidentally let the mask slip for a moment. His wife would be the one most likely to know the truth so I’d be inclined to ask her if she had any idea what happened.

I suspect what will happen is he will stick to his guns and over time the rest of the family will conveniently forget all about it and claim your DH simply misunderstood if it’s ever mentioned again.

My first thought was early-onset dementia on his part.

I don't think it'll be easily forgotten.

His wife, his father, MIL and his and DH's granny are the most angry. They're even angrier than DH and I got!

It's just very very strange.

Whet a fantastic coincidence you have those plans crop up! Excellent timing OP 😁👌😅