WIBU to assume this about invitation?

[MannersAreAll]

Possibly outing, but I'm so angry I don't really care.

Invitations arrived weeks ago for DH's relatives big birthday and it's been discussed for months.

Two arrived for adult age children plus their partners. Then one addressed to "Manners' DH, Manners & the kids"

Living in our house atm with us is our two younger children plus 3 year old relative. Basically an orphan who we have legal responsibility for and who will be with us forever. Has been with us for 18 months. Was part of big family Christmas last year, went to a family wedding on DH's side in the summer - basically has been treated as one of our children as we're their forever home.

Except it turns out is not invited to the birthday party as it's "family only". Only emerged when DH happened to mention us booking two Premier Inn rooms as we can squeeze DN in a travel cot anymore.

How shitty is that? This isn't a small party either. It's about 250 people.

I know people throw words around, but I'm genuinely fuming.

DN is your child now. If they can’t go then you can’t go, that’s what I’d be like anyway. I’d be bloody raging at that.

Totally agree with this, but ONLY if BIL backtracks and allows 3 yo to come.

I would be making it very clear if you aren’t ALL invited then none of you will be going. That includes DH. If you tolerate this once, this will be the tone of things to come. What a disgusting way to behave towards a child or anyone. Not sure I would want to be around those people anyways. Make your stand now OP!

How horrible!

If the party is for DH's relative, and your DN is a relative, isn't it all family together? So how can DH's family exclude him? Even if she's your DN by blood and "only" your DH's by marriage, she is now effectively yours and DH's child. I don't see how DH's family can exclude him. Oh, the poor little thing!

I know this is a big step, and it's not something that anyone can tell you to do, but this incident makes me wonder if it wouldn't be the best thing to formally adopt him That way, no one is ever in doubt about his status ever again. I'm 🤬 with you on his behalf.

If it was me, I would stand up for him by refusing to go unless he was invited. I would tell the DH's relative that he is your family. No way would I back down on this.

I would have assumed that 'family' meant the 3 year old. Is it you who has thought they are not 'family'?

Sorry, for some reason I saw "DN" and my mind leapt to Dear Niece. I fixed some instances but missed some and now can't edit again.

Big family too if there are 250 of them!! Cannot believe there aren’t any that are not blood/marital relations in that mix, surely?

When the invitation said “kids” surely that included the three year old? If it didn’t then that’s utterly outrageous. I hope he has a lovely life with you and your dh. You sound a very kind person x

That's awful.

Except it turns out is not invited to the birthday party as it's "family only". Only emerged when DH happened to mention us booking two Premier Inn rooms as we can squeeze DN in a travel cot anymore.

No, I assume from this in the first post that OP's DH found out by accident from mentioning the hotel room needs.

OP has clarified this multiple times. It is the person arranging the party who considers the 3 year old “not family” and the 3 year old is definitely not invited.

yeah. hmmmmm. I might decide to return to a reasonable relationship with this person for the sake of the family but I don't think I could ever actually forgive in terms of letting the whole thing go. I certainly would not forget it and I would always be .....not exactly on the alert....but wary, yes wary is the word, of this person in future.

He's made a right bollocks up hasn't he.

You are completely justified to feel the way you do and hope he realises the condemnation from other family members makes him realise.

I like you still wouldn't go even if he changes his mind

I wouldn't go and I wouldn't tell them you weren't going, in the hope that there is a sit down meal element that they have paid for and which results in 4 empty seats and an awkward explanation why.

I would also inform everyone you knew who was going, that they denied a 3 year old orphan an invite because they are **s.

I’d be letting everyone know exactly why I’m not going. What an awful, awful thing to say.

The point of the entire thread is because I (and DH) assumed "family" included the three year old.

The party host doesn't. As I've clarified multiple times.

YANBU.

I don't know anyone can be so cruel to a 3 YO - particularly an orphan.

Vile.

I'm guessing when your little one hits 18, graduates or gets married this horrible excuse of a man will have his hand out expecting an invite to the celebrations.

I can't get my head around the host. Do they not see the 3yo as your husbands child?

Is the 3yo formally adopted, or is it kinship foster care?

It's so odd. If you ever get clarification please let us all know.

I have now, I hadn't when I wrote that.

The child is three years old. The circumstances of their placement with OP are completely irrelevant to both the hosts decision and OPs post.

That’s beyond weird. The child IS part of your family, unless he means “blood relatives only” in which case he’s going to have to uninvite all the in-laws. Who the hell has 250 family members anyway? I hope you’ve made it abundantly clear to him why you won’t be going.

I agree with you but previous posts here on MN suggest otherwise. There have been quite a few where people are ok with a child being totally excluded unless there’s been a formal adoption.

There’s been quite a few different posts here where the woman has a child, splits from bio dad while the child is tiny, no contact with the bio dad or his family, meets new man, marries and has more children. New man raises eldest child as his own and they are a complete family. All fine for many years until there’s a wedding (or other big event) and suddenly the eldest child is excluded from various things - including the family photo. The amount of people who thought that was totally fine is shocking. On the one post I’m specifically thinking of, as he didn’t actually adopt the child, just raised her as his own for 10+ years, apparently it’s ok to exclude her and she’s not “actually family”.

It’s inconceivable to me. On this post OP has made it clear that the wee mite will be with them for life and honestly it’s heartwarming to see the family up in arms about the exclusion. I completely applaud the OP. I’m also happy to see OP getting loads of support for her decision as on other posts there were lots of folk who were very definite that without formal adoption, a child “isn’t family”. Awful.

You're 100% right not to attend if a member of your family is excluded, and so is anyone else of age who agrees with you.