“A monogamous lifelong relationship is simply not what a lot of people, in particular women, want.” - Is it true that a lot of women want an open relationship?

[localnotail]

‘It’s risky business emotionally’: the social shift towards open relationships

Just read this article - Lily Allen's new album inspired discussion about how open relationships are now all the rage and how common they are etc etc. I get this is a Guardian article and it panders to a certain demographic but still?

What I find particularly weird is the psychologist who says its WOMEN who prefer non-monogamous relationship. I though women are primarily the ones getting hurt/ only do it because they fear to lose their shag around bloke (like Lily) unless they agree? And there are actually very few bog standard couples who would go down this route?

Anyways - am I being unreasonable thinking this "open marriage" thing is slightly "out there" with polyamory and BDSM? Or is it really common and I'm being massively outdated in my views?

Lots of relationships end. If a monogamous relationship ends, it doesn’t get blamed on monogamy.

Of course it’s possible to cheat in open/polyam relationships, to not be honest about what is going on with all partners etc. But that’s also happening in monogamous relationships, if one or both people are so inclined to dishonesty.

Absolutely don’t do it if it’s not for you (I do not believe most women- or men - want to) but don’t rule out that it is for some people, not cos they want to be cool girls or edgy or whatever, but because it actually is.

but you don't get to speak for "most women", sorry, not without proper research and evidence.

Nonsense! In some cases anecdotal evidence and gut feel is fine. This is a discussion forum not a policy-setting think tank.

I am perfectly comfortable with the assertion 'most women would prefer monogamy over an open relationship'. It's abundantly clear from our behaviours, the things we say, our dating strategies and our nature as the child-bearing sex.

Some women may prefer it otherwise but they're the minority.

Well, this is majority of my friends, and they are all single

Op, I’ve just realised in your last post I replied to you seemed to have moved your point about older women on to relationships but to be clear I was never saying it’s easier for women to find relationships - at any age.

you’ll find I actually said the opposite upthread. The availability of sex is not hard but finding quality relationships may be. Even women in their 20s are complaining about that - men who never want to move on from situationships or who ghost them after sex etc.

But your initial statement was women over 40 supposedly finding it harder to get sex and that’s what I was disagreeing with.

Judging by my own experience and most of the shit I see on mumsnet, women would be happier on their own in no relationship.

Absolutely could not be arsed with this. One man is enough of a nuisance.

I don't have half those commitments and still could be arsed juggling more than one man. And they're all so needy these days anyway.

Stability is needed to raise stable people.The idea that you can have everything and do everything well is a myth.

I don't think they are 'pushing it'. They're just looking for clicks as they need the money.

"Some even have a theory that “fat/ugly” girls won’t say no or are “easy”. So men might even approach a woman specifically because they find her unattractive which is awful ."

Yes, there was an old cartoon with the “fat/ugly” girl saying 'I'm not that kind of girl' at the end of the date and the man replying 'but you must be'.
I hoped that was outdated now though.

There was a younger man talking about his dalliances with older women on radio 4 a few years ago and a lot of women were really offended by what he said about them more or less being easy prey/desperate.

"Read the step-parenting threads and see what a complete nightmare the average blended family is. "

The average blended family's not complaining on the step-parenting threads though. People go there when they have problems. Same as the Relationships topic.

At 49, overweight and no great looker, if I posted online saying I wanted no-strings sex I was literally wading knee deep in men and ‘couples’ (men) within about 5 minutes. Very slight reduction at 50, perhaps 7 minutes.

apparently lots of open relationships are initiated by women - I think it’s the ones that chose to marry to nice sweet safe and stable but a bit boring and not all that sexy man. They get to early 40s and the women are in their prime and the men are in their pants farting while playing video games and the women want to feel desired but don’t want to leave the safety of their best mate that they love with, just want some incredible sex

Oh really? Did you actually do this?

Is it because of a lack of offers, or because they don't like the available men?

That column's just a bit of fun.

Yes, of course if it's offered on a plate.
Harder to get a relationship.

On the other hand, OP says she gets no attention, but men don't approach women they don't know in bars so much now. It's mainly online. Might be different if she joined whatsapp groups with lots of single men.

Just pointing out that the idea that women don’t get offered sex over some random age is just online misogyny aiming to make women more keen to settle for men.

I think the men are looking for younger women. That becomes a huge problem from around 35. And possibly also the. One poster mentioned women in their 50s rejecting a man in his 60s, but if you're a 56 year old women, I don't think it's that bad to have a man of 62.

People are saying they can't get relationships I think and if that is their experience, then it's valid.

As pensioners in a lifelong monogamous relationship I'd say that it's worked for us. We may be boring but we're happy together.

Can't imagine the hassle of different partners.

I’m not clicking on The Guardian to give the site traffic for their stats to attract advertisers.

I assume it’s just thoughts spilling out of a journalists head and not peer approved research ?

Smells like total BS to me and can’t think of anything worse. The Guardian hates women they just dress it up in a different way and try and be clever about it.

@Itsacoldone I was approached by much older colleagues in my twenties, they were in their forties. I was actually repulsed as they were old enough to be my Dad.

Looks may attract initially but the vibe people give off counts for a lot. My mate is all the good things on paper as a woman. But I can see why men may not like her vibe as she is very uptight as a person and rarely laughs or relaxes.

I find men like a laugh, I worked in a male dominated environment for almost a decade. They don’t seem to worry about being liked. It’s why they can be more free and easy with what they say.

I don't have the emotional bandwidth to think about another man.
Barely pay attention to the one I have!😂

DD, young and gorgeous, feels the same way. Dating one man is hard enough, she says.

I think it absolutely can work for some people. I don't think it would necessarily work for "most" people, and it takes more than an article about Lily Allen to prove it either way.

I have been swinging a few times and had an awesome time, but it's absolutely not for everyone. But by extension, it would imply that monogamy is no more for everyone than non-monogamy is. I'm not sure there's been decent research to say what "most" people prefer though.
There are many different ways an open relationship can look, from going swinging together to closed relationships with other people that are known about, or those where it's no sharing of details, no repeats, only strangers. People who do open relationships that work need to be very open and honest in their discussions and agreements about how it will work for them and to keep revisiting it - does what we agreed actually work for us both? Many people don't bother putting that much openness and honesty into monogamous relationships, so no, open relationships wouldn't work for them.

One thing where I would absolutely disagree with Lily Allen is in paying for it. I would only want to do it with people who have freely agreed to it, not been coerced and exploited into it.

I think the discussion went off course a bit but we all can agree that most women dont want an open relationship. I have no idea why is this being pushed as normal though - I know its Guardian but the people quoted in the article seem to be professionals, so assume dealing with patients and not just saying it for clicks.

I have never seen an open relationship that went well, and I find the whole concept tiring and very labour-intensive - and for what? So you can stay with someone who would otherwise be cheating on you. In my opinion, its better be single!