“A monogamous lifelong relationship is simply not what a lot of people, in particular women, want.” - Is it true that a lot of women want an open relationship?

[localnotail]

‘It’s risky business emotionally’: the social shift towards open relationships

Just read this article - Lily Allen's new album inspired discussion about how open relationships are now all the rage and how common they are etc etc. I get this is a Guardian article and it panders to a certain demographic but still?

What I find particularly weird is the psychologist who says its WOMEN who prefer non-monogamous relationship. I though women are primarily the ones getting hurt/ only do it because they fear to lose their shag around bloke (like Lily) unless they agree? And there are actually very few bog standard couples who would go down this route?

Anyways - am I being unreasonable thinking this "open marriage" thing is slightly "out there" with polyamory and BDSM? Or is it really common and I'm being massively outdated in my views?

Sounds like the 21st century version of the so called swinging 60's free love which some women of the time went along with to avoid being seen as old fashioned rather than really wanting to have multiple partners.

It just sounds a bit gross and desperate to me. I knew several people in multiple relationships in our early 20s. They were all insufferably smug about how ‘progressive’ and cool they were. I’ve got a feeling they’ve grown up now though unlike Lily.

Didn’t she use a female prostitute a few years ago? She seems troubled.

I don't really care what people want.

Wants are selfish and childish.

We need people to have safe and secure relationships where they can be financially secure enough to raise children who are not damaged by a constant stream of new lovers/siblings from mum and dads wants.

I think it's time for us all to grow up and consider what our society needs to be stable and productive - and that is not to pursue our selfish wants.

I choose being single. I could not deal with multiple men. Who has the energy?

What if a couple don’t have or want kids?! Is it allowed then? Society has created a norm around monogamy but that’s all it is, a construct

If they don't want kids (and don't have them 'accidentally) then they can crack on.

Problem is lots of people seem to drag children into the wreck of their multitude of failed relationships.

It’s not what most women want, and not in their best interests either. Who benefits in these arrangements? Not the women or children, that’s for sure.

Not me!

So true.

If that's true then I too am an outlier. I definitely prefer an enduring monogamous relationship based on trust, an equal partnership and affection.

I've not found a man who will settle for an equal partnership so I've been single for the last eight years. It's a shame but it can't be helped.

I’m not sure why you think she’s rich? Most journalists, even in London, earn really low wages. She’s probably on £30k a year.

Nope not for me. One is enough to love and live

Nobody is touching Mr BusService without provoking thoughts of violence in myself and in return I am happy to abandon my option of a bit on the side now and for the rest of my life.

Noooooo thank you.

I remember mentioning the end of a friend’s marriage due to an affair with a mutual, and she piped up with “what a shame to end a marriage for a shag. Divorce is hard on kids. How much of this could all be avoided if we went back to the days of putting keys in a bowl.” I still don’t know if she was being serious.

It’s not for me.

I believe you're correct OP. It's a male fantasy predominantly and men can't believe their luck when some poor woman falls for it.
"it's the same the whole world over
Ain't it all a bleeding shame?
It's the man that gets the pleasure
And the girl what gets the blame"
Or, as my lovely old neighbour used to say as we headed out for a Friday evening full of fun "keep your hand on your ha'penny girls. It's all you've got and you can't get another once it's gone".

The article isn’t that bad - it’s not that great either. I seem to have read that article a thousand times, they’ve just stuck Lily Allen on the top of it. And the bit they have written about her just says they required each other to pay prostitutes, which seems like something different and horrible.

I tried a bit of ethical non-monogamy for a while. It had its moments but it was significantly more complicated and tiring than just dating one person - it was handy that I was working part time then. The big thing I hadn’t even realised was that it felt wrong to be thinking of someone I was having sex with as ‘secondary’ to anything else; I don’t see how people manage that without any moral issues. I don’t regret it and wouldn’t rule out trying something in that field again if dp were ever up for it - but I still think it’s a small proportion of people who even consider it.

All the open relationships/poly couples I know - and I know a few - the conversation was initiated by a woman. So I could see there being something to it!

I think there's possibly a distinction to be made though: I think people are surprised by the idea of it because they assume men cheat more on average and therefore should be well up for it. And I think that's actually the point - I think a lot of men cheat because of the allure of doing something wrong/forbidden/pushing back against the idea of being 'contained'. I don't think that they're particularly biologically more inclined to want to fuck other people, I think they're taught by society that wives and longterm girlfriends are boring old ball and chains and it makes cheating appealing.

I think women being into the idea of a relationship that (ideally and done 'properly') features good, open communication about desire and consent and boundaries, decenters the traditional approach of 'one man one woman' (and the attendant pressures of being the live-in mother figure of that one man), and gives them more freedom to treat relationships as things that should suit them and not something they're stuck in to fulfil a societal expectation isn't all that surprising, actually.

I don't actually think most adults of either sex want other people shagging their spouse, though maybe I'm naïve. But most men and women I know talk of wanting to find 'the one', someone to fall in love with and build a life with. Obviously some people are less keen on settling down with one person, but in my experience those people tend to have other issues that might have caused it, like their family environment growing up, or a bad betrayal (or several). I don't think most people set out wanting to cheat or have polygamous relationships, but that's something that happens when things aren't going great. I don't think that most women or men in a blissfully happy marriage that's fulfilling all their needs, hopes and desires suddenly decide they (or their other half) should sleep with other people. I think the vast majority of us really want the fairy tale of just one special person.

Well there are different sorts of open relationships aren't there? Both parties have a hall pass for discreet flings when travelling, for example. Both parties actively seek out other people for threesomes. Full on poly relationships/throuples. Plenty more along an entire spectrum of non-monogamy.

I've known many people in some form of an open relationship and anecdotally would say straight women are most enthusiastic about poly relationships, where they have multiple male partners who play different roles in their lives; lots of gay men are in one of the two former situations. I can't really say many straight men have really waxed lyrical about open relationships in the same way to me (though I have met ones who are in them, appended to the enthusiastic women).

I would be emotionally OK with the hall pass style open relationship - I don't really feel jealousy as an emotion. But it's not something I'm actively enthusiastic about, and DP is definitely not into the idea, so we're monogamous.

Full-on poly relationships are my worst nightmare and in my experience the people who want to have them are extroverts who can't bear to be alone for a second.

I find the judgment on this thread to be more of a moral void than open relationships themselves. If you don't want one then don't have one.

No chance just couldn't be bothered

Open relationships are so all the rage that I don’t know a single person who is in one.

OK, they might not tell me, but you’d expect to have at least some inkling wouldn’t you?

Of the open relationships I’ve seen on TV documentaries, there’s almost always a feeling that one person is going along with it because they have to.

If you want to sleep with lots of people, that’s fine. Just stay single and sleep with lots of people.

Its easier for women up to a certain age. I think after 40 it becomes much harder for women and easier for men. Also, women tend to have less free time once they have kids... and less energy. So I find it odd when I read that women would like to shag around instead of heaving a steady reliable partner... seems weird.

Not for me. Not even sure if a relationship is for me anymore

I can’t think of anything I’d like less!