“A monogamous lifelong relationship is simply not what a lot of people, in particular women, want.” - Is it true that a lot of women want an open relationship?

[localnotail]

‘It’s risky business emotionally’: the social shift towards open relationships

Just read this article - Lily Allen's new album inspired discussion about how open relationships are now all the rage and how common they are etc etc. I get this is a Guardian article and it panders to a certain demographic but still?

What I find particularly weird is the psychologist who says its WOMEN who prefer non-monogamous relationship. I though women are primarily the ones getting hurt/ only do it because they fear to lose their shag around bloke (like Lily) unless they agree? And there are actually very few bog standard couples who would go down this route?

Anyways - am I being unreasonable thinking this "open marriage" thing is slightly "out there" with polyamory and BDSM? Or is it really common and I'm being massively outdated in my views?

I cannot think of anything worse.

The Guardian is absolutely desperate to push this stuff. They have endless articles on it.

yanbu,
I only skimmed the article but it looked like the ‘experts’ they got opinions from probably weren’t proper psychologists anyway.

Nope. Never considered an open relationship, never would. I want one man who hopefully just wants me. Anything else is drama prone and asking for trouble.

I absolutely 100% do not want an open relationship (and my bf very much thankfully agrees!!! 😳)

Personally for one I'm far too jealous, the thought of my bf being with anyone else physically makes me feel sick (and vice versa). It's not for me. I'm 100% personally monogamous.

That said for some people it may work..I have friends who practice polyamory and it works for them (although the closest person I know of has basically now reverted back to a monogamous relationship after previously being poly with 4 partners)

No, you might not have an inkling, especially as many people have a primary partner who they live with.

In my experience it’s men who want monogamy and to be exclusive. All my fwbs have pushed for it.
I wouldn’t have an open relationship though, too messy. I don’t want to properly be with someone who is with someone else. But for fwbs it’s all good

They are probably single as they don't like what's on offer, but surely on your standard dating site, there's a reasonable amount on offer. I've tested this theory and know it to be true!

Read the step-parenting threads and see what a complete nightmare the average blended family is. Look at the resentment a lot of women have towards their partner's ex. Now imagine how much messier that must become if the "ex" isn't even an ex, and is still in a relationship with the partner. And all the kids are living in a pressure cooker where their dad is in a relationship with their mum AND their stepmum, and dividing himself between the two families (or, if they're rich enough, they're all living together). And then it gets even more complicated when you throw in the mum's other partners and stepchildren.

If this ever becomes mainstream in the UK, it'll be a shitshow. Kids will end up getting lost in the crowd among all their half/step-siblings. I expect a lot of women would go along with it to show what "cool girls" they are, and then find themselves trapped in a miserable situation where they're miserable, jealous, insecure, and constantly trying to one-up their husband's other partner(s).

No, I don't think that's overall what most women or even a fair lot really want.

In my experience, even women who have affairs but stay in a marriage, often wish they could really just be in a different committed relationship. But for some reason they feel they can't - duty to the original spouse, the needs of the children, the financial impacts, fear of conflict, whatever.

So they try and make what seems to be the best of things under the circumstances.

I'm not advocating this approach, btw, but I think it's fairly common and is not at all the same as wanting an open marriage.

The Guardian has a very limited view of sex and all it’s articles favour fetish and casual sex. Monogamy and straight sex is seen as boring and of less worth.

Their Lifestyle section is a work of unintentional comedy to anyone who isn’t a wealthy, over privileged Londoner.

They think feminism is aping and excusing men who want sex of all perversions and sex without love or commitment.

And of course they also think men in frocks are women.

This piece is just more of the same nonsense.

Wasn't the issue that he shagged about, she found out, was furious, wrote a whole album about it... And now she's backtracking?

Also was giving it all fem lib about raking it in from her feet pics (when had no new album)??

Agree about Guardian view of sex. Particularly irritating is the 'This is how we do it' column. Gross. Strengthen the chandeliers, Albert, it's Saturday.

I’m wondering whether that quote has been taken out of context a little bit, and that the focus in the longer passage/interview was on the lifelong not on the monogamy.
I know an awful lot of women, myself included, who have come out of significant relationships and marriages and said never again. I’ll have fun, I’ll date, I’ll focus on my friends but no chance for cohabitation.
At that stage I think women are much more open to alternative relationship dynamics because they’ve had their family, and are not reliant on a partner in the same way.

No, I don’t think that’s true at all. I do think that there is often a big media/societal push to ‘enlighten’ women (for enlighten, read mould to mens preferences) and an accompanying narrative that if you don’t do whatever is currently being requested then you are a stick in the mud/frigid/the boring wife who can’t complain when she gets cheated on and so on.

It’s also worth remembering that everyone has something to sell you. The beauty industries marketing is to deliberately yet subtly make you feel unattractive to sell you their goods. This is just a different vein of the same strategy.

No. Lily Allen has very unhealthy attitudes to relationships no doubt influenced by her dreadful father and she’s absolutely not representative of most women.

Wouldn't have a clue what other women's preferences are, I have just about enough energy for my own life!

Ewwwww the Grauniad photo makes me realise how much I hate beards, they're disgusting.

Poly is all over the media past couple years it seems. It might work for some people but sounds like it would take a lot of organising, probably requiring seve spreadsheets😄I think some people get bored very easily though so maybe this is their solution.

But have they never heard of knitting?

There are words like "sickening" and "disgusting" all over this thread. That is the judgment.

You can speak for yourself - if an open relationship isn't for you that's fine! It isn't for me either - but you don't get to speak for "most women", sorry, not without proper research and evidence. I know women in open relationships who are very happy in them. It's a running joke that poly people never stop talking about it but ultimately - female sexuality has been denied and repressed for centuries. It's still, in 2025, more important for women to unlearn the shame associated with sexual desire than to peddle bullshit like "actually, most women only want the most vanilla, conventional romantic lives possible - get back in your box!"

What used to be "sleeping around" has now been made all hip, trendy and out there by labelling it Polyamorous - which keep reminding me of a love-sick parrot every time I read it. I never hear it because I don't know anyone in real life who behaves like this or at least if they do they don't write albums or sing it from the roof tops. Each to their own, but I do wish it wasn't seen as emancipated, because it's the reverse and the age old story of the man having his cake and eating it,

So true.

Men want sex more than women not because they are bad but because they have more testosterone.

I don’t know, most of the women I know in their 20s and 30s wouldn’t go near a divorced man in their early 50s! And where are these older men all meeting these women offline? When I was in my late 20s my path didn’t regularly cross with men that age unless my friends fathers. They just weren’t out in the bars, clubs and events we went too. Occasionally I would come across them in work but no one my age in the office was dating them. It would have definitely raised eyebrows if that happened.

There’s a myth of all these young women liking older men, but unless there’s money involved women actually tend to prefer and marry within a few years of their age group. Statistics even show that.

And anecdotally The biggest age gap in my social circle is ten years. I don’t think late 40s men/earlys 50s men (unless very wealthy) can “easily” get young women with no kids in their 20s/30s.

Yeah just to be clear I am not necessarily saying most women want casual sex - I certainly don’t want it. I’ve said before if anything the issue is they are frustrated because often that’s all men offer but I was just picking you up on that point, as you’d claimed that when women get to 40 “it’s harder for them to get sex than men”. And I was disputing that for the reasons which I’ve already said.

I don’t know any woman who struggles to get sex, but plenty of men do hence their frequent whining over women being too choosy be it in real life or on dating apps. I think this is because unfortunately men are not choosy enough when it comes to sex so they don’t get why women are being so “picky”.

Imagine having the time, energy, executive function to arrange meeting and seeing someone else, on top of kids, full time work, ageing parents to look after…🤪