“A monogamous lifelong relationship is simply not what a lot of people, in particular women, want.” - Is it true that a lot of women want an open relationship?

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‘It’s risky business emotionally’: the social shift towards open relationships

Just read this article - Lily Allen's new album inspired discussion about how open relationships are now all the rage and how common they are etc etc. I get this is a Guardian article and it panders to a certain demographic but still?

What I find particularly weird is the psychologist who says its WOMEN who prefer non-monogamous relationship. I though women are primarily the ones getting hurt/ only do it because they fear to lose their shag around bloke (like Lily) unless they agree? And there are actually very few bog standard couples who would go down this route?

Anyways - am I being unreasonable thinking this "open marriage" thing is slightly "out there" with polyamory and BDSM? Or is it really common and I'm being massively outdated in my views?

I have been single for 10 years, from mid 40s to now. I had zero attention from men during these years. I'm not ugly, just average. Not fat, dress well, well groomed, have a good job, friendly and sociable. But I'm over 50 and its showing - eye bags, saggy jaw line. I guess I'm in the minority, right?

God no. Just the thought of having to make time to have sex with more than one person has me exhausted!

I think people who want to be edgy think it’s cool, but I suspect it’s more popular with men than women. I can’t think of anything worse.

I’ve seen several couples I know try it, and it’s never worked long term, and it’s interesting that it didn’t work out for Lily & David.

No thanks. I couldn't be arsed. If I had my time again, I'd stay single and take out shares in lovehoney instead.

@verybighouseinthecountry totally this! My husband and l were amused somewhat by the guy in throuple. He gave me the cringe

I don’t know, I would think you were in the minority tbh Op based on what I’ve heard, but admittedly I don’t have experience of being the age you are yet!

I am genuinely curious - can anyone else in their late 40s onwards chip in about their experiences/ability to get casual sex?

You say you get zero attention but most men of your age aren’t getting attention either from women while out and about. Men are approaching women less in general nowadays I guess, but I’d definitely say men at any age (exceptions aside) have to work harder to get sex than women.

And on dating sites, I think we all know the stats - it’s definitely women who have more options in terms of matches/sex. The issue as I’ve said is that’s all what a lot of the men want, even when a woman states clearly they’re looking for a relationship.

So how many open relationships do you know of in real life?
I've known people who cheat and partners tolerate it, but no genuinely open relationship. None.

The thing is to even want sex and to get the urge, I need emotional and physical intimacy. I also need safety and a sense of understanding, care, and mutual respect. It's hard to get that in one relationship, which is why, in my opinion, many women sex drives tank.

God no, having to endlessly dissect your feelings, their feelings, the other people’s feelings…
Who has the energy for it all?

Yes, but I suppose some people in open relationships have more than one emotional relationship going rather than just casual. Or would that be called polyamory? I'm not sure how anybody has the mental energy for that.

It is possible that if it wasn’t her it would be some other woman, I do acknowledge that as a possibility.

But having seen the messages between them, she relentlessly pursued him. She really laid it out on a plate for him.

I’m not exonerating him. I’m really not. He has many faults, but he is also painfully shy and generally can’t approach women. He is unlikely to have been able to have got into this situation without somebody else very forcefully taking the lead.

So from the messages she (and her husband!!) have sent him, yes, she very much does make me feel uncomfortable.

He clearly enjoyed receiving these messages, but his replies were very brief and not as explicit.

The thing that hurt me the most was that he was actually planning to meet up with her for sex. I find that so hard to forgive and don’t know if I ever will.

I had a difficult birth with my youngest child (the one who has complex needs) and we hadn’t had sex in around 3 years when their messages started. Not long after this, things got better with youngest child, I felt more human, and we started having sex again.

but he was still messaging her during this time and still planning to meet up. Then he said he couldn’t go through with it.

it’s just been awful.

With an affair, there’s two people being lied to / being taken for a mug. But in this case of open marriage it seemed to be three people doing whatever the fuck they wanted, while one person was being laughed at. I feel so angry about that.

(As regards my kids, youngest needs a lot of help during the night. Need to be specially trained in it, which we both are. I would struggle with this alone.)

Bullshit article. No way do more women want that. That's just male fantasy.

To be honest, it doesn't matter if someone can get sex or not. The point is, would you chose casual sex with lots of strangers over monogamous relationship with your partner? I accept there are women who love casual sex but I think they are in minority, especially over certain age/ after kids. Sex simply becomes a lesser priority, especially effort required for seeking sex with new people (as in going on dating sites, meeting people, planning and arranging meet ups, etc - all of this on top of organising kids, running the house, often looking after parents, often working as well...etc).

If anyone wants to share my husband they can share EVERYTHING. The laundry, the emotional labour, the lot. But that’s generally not what happens. 🤷‍♀️

I think there is generally a big mismatch we are taking about. I always noticed it on dating sites and in my life - especially in my job, as I deal with a lot of people... Imagine a woman, divorced/ separated, in her late 40s- early 50s, slim, good job, well groomed, well dressed. Nice teeth, nice hair, own flat, no kids. Well, this is majority of my friends, and they are all single. They struggle to get a look in. Often, they get a suggestion they should "lower the bar" and date someone in their 60s, or someone with no job, the list is endless - but definitely should not desire someone their age with the same statistics.

Now imagine a divorced guy in his late 40s-early 50s. Slim, nice hair, nice teeth, doesn't matter if he has kids as they live with their mum, well dressed, good job, own flat. Guess what? All of them are never single, and most likely paired with girls in their late 20s - 30s. Most don't even need to go on dating sites... such as life.

Now imagine a divorced guy in his late 40s-early 50s. Slim, nice hair, nice teeth, doesn't matter if he has kids as they live with their mum, well dressed, good job, own flat. Guess what? All of them are never single, and most likely paired with girls in their late 20s - 30s. Most don't even need to go on dating sites... such as life

Nah, I really disagree with this completely. I do not see this pattern happening at all in those around me. I would say most of the men I know who are divorced of that age have really let themselves go and certainly do not have nice teeth, nice hair and are slim and in good shape.

I also dont know of any 20/30 year olds who are gagging to settle down with divorced men in their 40s/50s with kids and more baggage than Heathrow. I mean, it's hardly every 20 year olds dream is it? 🤣

I honestly would not mince my words in getting a message across to both your husband and this woman. This is a ridiculous situation and I think them having their pathetic sloppy seconds shag and getting over with it would be better than all of this drama and anticipation.

I would also tell your husband if he shags her he will never get to have sex with you again, ever.

Oh hell no.

I work in an architects office and I really dont see guys who "let themselves go" after divorce. Its actually the opposite - you can tell which ones are now single by their newly acquired expensive bikes, slimmer physique and trendy clothes ))

Edited - and yes, its hard to understand but younger girls are totally go for guys at least 10 years older, especially if they are in a higher position then them! I actually find it harder to understand why someone who just divorced after getting kids to teenage age would want to start over again with a younger female - the same rigmarole of having young kids, etc etc instead of simply enjoying life and having fun with someone their own age.

I’m in my 40s and not slim - and I have dated a number of men, mostly younger, as part of a polyamorous approach to relationships.

Because I’m not looking to be on the mortgage-marriage-kids ladder with them, life stage differences aren’t a huge issue.

I suspect it is more often men who want it, but I also hate the idea I've often seen expressed that women never really want it and can only ever be reluctantly. going along with it to appease a man. Don't get me wrong, that does happen, but it's not always the case.

This is just the guardian and their nonsense...

In the past few years the paper seems to have become obsessed with promoting polyamory and open relationships.

Lilly Allen and her ex are just yet another good examples of how open relationships just tend to end in tears.

Statistically, single women are the happiest group 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oof I don't know how anyone could be bothered! The only couples I know who have done this were having marriage problems and ended up splitting up anyway! I think, like most things, the fantasy is a lot better than the reality 🤷‍♀️

Nope! In this instance sharing is not caring. I don’t want anyone else. Just him.