“A monogamous lifelong relationship is simply not what a lot of people, in particular women, want.” - Is it true that a lot of women want an open relationship?

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‘It’s risky business emotionally’: the social shift towards open relationships

Just read this article - Lily Allen's new album inspired discussion about how open relationships are now all the rage and how common they are etc etc. I get this is a Guardian article and it panders to a certain demographic but still?

What I find particularly weird is the psychologist who says its WOMEN who prefer non-monogamous relationship. I though women are primarily the ones getting hurt/ only do it because they fear to lose their shag around bloke (like Lily) unless they agree? And there are actually very few bog standard couples who would go down this route?

Anyways - am I being unreasonable thinking this "open marriage" thing is slightly "out there" with polyamory and BDSM? Or is it really common and I'm being massively outdated in my views?

Is this a propaganda, these talks about open relationship, polygamy are being pushed lately and it's sickening. Now they saying it's women that prefers it? Never came across one woman whose preference is open relationship yet...

I dont know where you've seen the judgement? I never met a woman who would be happy with her partner sleeping around. And I know two women who's relationship imploded just like Lily's - they agreed to open it, but partner had an emotional affair (ie not just sex but a full on another relationship) and it all went to pot.

My view id there are very few women who would be happy with having an open relationship, especially if they have kids. The majority of those who agree are either part of the kink community or do it under pressure of losing their partner.

This is a sore point for me.

When my kids were very young and my DH and I were having no sex and just generally going through bad patch, he ended up getting involved with an ex from his teenage years.

She had lived in Middle East for many years at this point so they had just kept in touch, sporadically, via facebook.

until they got chatting and he revealed we were having issues. She revealed she was in an open marriage. They sent each other naked photos etc and sex talk.

They planned to meet up in a hotel. Apparently he backed out just before she booked the flights. Said he couldn’t do it. Said he only ever thought it was messages, said it didn’t seem real, it was just an outlet as we hadn’t had sex for years.

Things had got back on track with us before I found out about this. I was heartbroken when I found out. I still am. We have 3 young kids, one with complex health needs. Breaking up the family just wasn’t an option.

But I’ll never get over it. She’s always at the back of my mind. Because she’s in an open relationship, I feel she will never go away. Her husband gets turned on by the thought of her shagging my husband. It makes me feel sick tbh.

her husband is also from near our hometown. As far as I know they are living in Spain now but they might move back at some point and that’s always at the back of my mind.

edited to add - they also have kids. I don’t know why they do it, I don’t know which one of them is driving it.

it makes me very uncomfortable

I can’t stand the idea of “open marriages” but what do you mean it becomes harder for women? To get sex? If so, no it’s not. Not compared to men, especially men their same age.

Women are swiping left on most men on dating sites and not even wanting a coffee with them.

Men struggle to even get a first date let alone a woman come home with them, whereas typically a woman in their 40s or 50s (and maybe beyond) could get nsa sex relatively easily with a man of any age.

Nope. I dont even like to share my favourite pen!

I'm getting a bit fed up of people speaking for us all like we are some kind of monolith

I can tell you that it is harder. I know a lot of women who are aged 40-50 and they find it hard to find anyone... I guess its ok if you are good looking but not all women are. If you are average looking (and especially not slim) and not young you will definitely find it hard.

Its funny how its HER who makes you feel uncomfortable. And not your dick of a husband.

Nope. I like monogamy. I'd lose my mind if DH was sleeping w/ another woman. No way in hell do I even want to bother to try to be cool with that. Plus, the thought of being with another man in a second relationship just makes me sad. I love DH and can't imagine being loving intimate w/ another man. A one-night stand w/ a hot guy (while I would still consider cheating and awful) isn't as bad as actually having an emotionally charged affair with someone.

And DH would more than lose his mind if I suggested something like that. Our marriage would be destroyed by the request alone.

When I was 20something and single, there were a few overlapping sex partners and I had some fun, but in no way was I committed to anyone. It used to be called dating or playing the field. Never was it considered something to take too seriously.

This gives me the 'I want to be edgy' and not grow up emotionally vibe.

Utter bollocks as far as I can see, as a middle aged, twice married mum of two. Nobody I know has yearned for this albeit some of my friends have had wild encounters of their own choosing. All settled down now-and happy ‘ish’.

I know a lot of women who are aged 40-50 and they find it hard to find anyone... I guess it's ok if you are good looking but not all women are. If you are average looking (and especially not slim) and not young you will definitely find it hard

Hard to find a man to have sex with? - no way. Hard to find a lasting relationship- yes, possibly.

If being not good looking or not slim as you put it makes it harder, surely this would be hindrance at any age, not just over 40.

I know plenty of women over 40 who are finding it extremely easy to find sex post their divorce

I have no interest in sex without a deep intellectual and emotional bond. I never have. An open relationship just would not work.

A lot of bisexual women like to play away sometimes with hubby tolerating.

I clicked the wrong AIBU there as I thought it was do I feel like I want that.. but god no! I’d say it’s more men if anything

I’m late 30s and my friends and acquaintances are 35-45 and their experiences are the same as me
in terms of men being extremely easy to get as far as sex goes.

I could flatter myself but the truth is men are not fussy when it comes to sex. It’s women who are more choosy.This is what I see online too.

Rare to see a woman in her 40s who can’t open an app or website and get nsa sex very quickly . If anything you’ll see stories of women trying to avoid that and that’s all men are offering. And men complaining they can’t get sex hence the term incel.

Where do you hear that women are struggling to get sex?

They may be struggling to get sex with kind empathetic intelligent men they like and connect deeply with but that’s not down to the way they look, that’s down to the women being selective.

I think men would be more likely than women to want an open relationship, and most of them don't really want that, either. Like a pp said, I wouldn't want to share my husband, and I know he wouldn't want to share me. I think it diminishes the relationship to open it up to other participants. Would much rather be single for life than accept something other than monogamy.

It's the "lifelong" I have a problem with, not the "monogamy". I did sort-of cheat on both husbands but that was a signal I was tired of the relationship, not that I wanted to keep the husband and play around.

I have no idea if I could've been satisfied with one partner for life, as I was crap at choosing a good one 😬

Yep, and many of these men going after women over 40 are younger men.

They may not want to settle down with an older woman but they’ll happily have sex with her. I’ve had to reject a lot of men in their mid 20s 😂 not interested at all, and I’m sure they’re just after sex.

And honestly the amount of men who will happily have sex with women they find to be unattractive inside and out is staggering. It’s a shame.

Some even have a theory that “fat/ugly” girls won’t say no or are “easy”. So men might even approach a woman specifically because they find her unattractive which is awful .

Exactly. I'm married/not looking for it and in my 40s, and I have had plenty of offers of sex or opportunities to get it if I so wanted it and I am no supermodel.

This was from men at work social events, men at my gym, on nights out with friends, at parties, etc Getting sex is really not difficult lolol

It’s both of them.

Don’t make me out to be misogynistic, that’s really unkind.

I’m trapped with a man who contemplated cheating on me, and sent dick pics to another woman, just because she was available and threw herself at him.

I have no other family and can’t handle my kids medical needs on my own so I can’t leave.

But thanks for reminding me how much of a dick my husband is, I guess.

Tough one.

I think there’s difference in having an open relationship, to asking for an open relationship to address not being happy with sex.

What I do think is funny is there has been a few times when the man has asked for it, only to find the woman can get more sex than them.

Absolutely the fuck not. I have no interest in being with other men and even less interest in my husband going anywhere near any other women!

30s and early 40s is very different to late 40s - 50s. Where I get it? well, myself, primarily (mid 50s) and my friends. What I'm talking about is average looking, well groomed and professional late 40s-50s woman would struggle to find a guy fitting the same criteria as they are generally looking for younger females. I guess you can have sex if you want to sleep with much older blokes with dirty hair and bad teeth and no job...

Yep.

I don’t really go out much or to the gym but I’ve been hit on in recent years on trains, by delivery drivers, in airports etc.

I don’t see that stopping in a couple of years just because I’ll turn 40. It doesn’t even feel like a compliment IMO, in fact I often feel insulted because I know I could be anyone. They just want sex with a warm body!

I have a friend who never gets hit on and she’s absolutely stunning - I think she intimidates the men.

Its a shit situation and I sympathise but if its wasn't her it would be some other woman.

You do realise if you split up he still have to take care of your children?

I don’t know many women in their mid 50s and the few I do are married but from online stories, even on MN it does still seem to hold up that their issue is not a lack of men to have casual sex with but men to have relationships with. Men are typically the ones struggling to get casual sex surely? Especially ones in their 50s.

I generally wouldn’t even entertain men in their 50s and I know despite the propaganda about young women in their 20s wanting “older men” many don’t either! And if they do it’s because he’s exceptionally wealthy and generous with it! But realistically younger women tend to go for men a few years within their age.