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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be guilted by elderly parents and go on a big trip

214 replies

Suninthe · 31/10/2025 16:05

DP are nearly 80 and 87 - they have been wonderful parents, supportive and loving for my whole life. However since Covid they have retreated further and further into a smaller world and now rarely leave the house, let alone the town or county - they havent been abroad since 2019 and have no intention of ever going more than 10 miles away, their health isnt amazing but DP was cycling until a couple of years ago amd only just stopped driving. DM uses a stick but when no-one is noticing I have seen her move around without one but any suggestion that it is a mental thing just sends her into a meltdown - she refuses to walk anywhere now apart from the odd trip to the shops and has lost friends by cancelling constantly because of it.

As their world has gotten smaller my life is opening up - after decades of a stressful job, kids etc I took redundancy and got a much less stressful job with more time off, My own DH isnt in brilliant health but steady ATM and we want to plan a big trip - 6 or 7 weeks or so visiting DSS in NZ and doing a round the world trip. When I mentioned it to DM she closed it down straight away and said - "we will have to see how we are". I have two siblings but I am the only one who drives and get roped in for most of the hospital appointments etc. There are GC but DM seees it as my responsibility i think... It made me just want to book a flight there and then. I am determined not to be guilt tripped into not going away - Europe is ok apparently but no further. I did a 6 week walk in spain sfter i got made redundant snd had the frosty treatment from DM for weeks.. i know its an age vulnerability thing but AIBU to just sod it and go???

OP posts:
DeborahVance · 31/10/2025 16:08

The question isn't should you go or not, because of course you should, it's how you make it okay with yourself that you do go. Perhaps 100 posters coming on to tell you you'd be mad not to will do the job. But really, it's not up to your parents, it's up to you.

jollygoose · 31/10/2025 16:10

Of course you must go. They have had their life pleasing themselves it's extremely selfish of them to pile on emotional blackmail. I would just announce when you have booked it and tell them you will have the number of local taxis handy for any appointments and if they wish you can arrange to have shopping delivered.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/10/2025 16:11

DeborahVance · 31/10/2025 16:08

The question isn't should you go or not, because of course you should, it's how you make it okay with yourself that you do go. Perhaps 100 posters coming on to tell you you'd be mad not to will do the job. But really, it's not up to your parents, it's up to you.

This is a great example of first post nails it.

You absolutely should go. You just need to make your peace with it, and with the fact they will be difficult / sulk about it.

This is the one segment of your life when you’ll be free to do these things. You need to make the most of it!

Parsleysalad · 31/10/2025 16:12

You should have said, why are you coming with us? When she said they will have to see how they are

Go and have a ball.

Soonenough · 31/10/2025 16:13

Oh definitely go . Surely they realise that if going that far you want to make it a long one . Or did they think they were invited too?? My elderly father did this but couldn't justify it when I pointed out that he and stepmum took long cruises and holidays ( as they were entitled to do ) when my DC s were newborn and I was recovering from CS .

highlandponymummy · 31/10/2025 16:13

I really do sympathise with you. My DM is a widow and like you, I now want to go away more. She doesn't make me feel guilty, it's me. I feel that she's my responsibility and I feel bad. I'm the only one who ever takes her on holiday. My DB and DS do nothing. Having said all that, I'm going next year and do should you. Please make the most of the free time you now have. Let her be frosty with you, it's her choice. There are other options of help available whilst you are away. If they choose not to use them , then that's up to them. If you let it start now it'll be a slippery slope x

kiwiane · 31/10/2025 16:14

They can use taxis or hospital transport! You should make plans for your trip and let them cope without you. Don’t let their mean attitude spoil things for you.

Zucker · 31/10/2025 16:14

Of course go. "we will have to see how we are", well your husband and yourself are all good so the trip is on. Plenty of other people on hand to help out when you're away, they all may just realise how much you're actually doing.

FunMustard · 31/10/2025 16:15

YABU to not go. Give them a date of when they need to have made their decision by (I'm assuming you're coordinating flights etc.) and then go forth and make plans. If mum is frosty, you can tell her that you can't put your life on hold for them.

Anditstartedagain · 31/10/2025 16:15

As your parents get older they’re only going to need more help. At 80 it is likely your Mum does need that stick. Now is a great time to start getting them used to outside help.

HardworkSendHelp · 31/10/2025 16:15

Book your trip and go. That’s awful that your mother would guilt trip you like this. She has pushed two others into the world get them to help her for 7 weeks. I would spell it out to her that you won’t be made feel guilty about this and mention your useless siblings. Put it in writing if needs be.

Original poster
Suninthe · 31/10/2025 16:16

I know you are right.. i. Think i am more sad how their own life has shrunk and never thought it would be like this.. does it happen to everyone as they age?? Looking around it seems so with a few exceptions.. plus my siblings who never go anywhere seem to get off so lightly ! Partly because they never go anywhere!!

OP posts:
WoahWoahandThriceWoah · 31/10/2025 16:17

'We will have to see how we are '.
This blows my mind! It isn't their decision based on their health, it is your decision based on what you want to do!
Of course you should go.

Wishimaywishimight · 31/10/2025 16:17

I think it is a good thing for all of you if you go - you ger the trip of a lifetime and your parents learn that they cannot lean solely on you and will have to find ways to manage. Be practical, not emotional. It's hard when they become vulnerable but you must be allowed to enjoy your life.

TalulahJP · 31/10/2025 16:18

Go.
Remind them that for those who can afford it going on holiday once a year for up to a month is perfectly normal and they themselves did it many times( incidentally who looked after their mums etc back in the day while they were abroad lol….)

Nearly50omg · 31/10/2025 16:19

Your parents have had 80+ years to do what they want so why can’t you?? You aren’t their staff!!

beAsensible1 · 31/10/2025 16:19

Of course go. you'd be silly not to, you don't need to feel guilty. there are taxis and buses and if they feel nervous one of your siblings can accompany them.

You just have to keep reminding yourself that it's ok to live your life, and that they're ok. You can't not go because of some bloody hospital appointments it's not reasonable or rational.

BIWI · 31/10/2025 16:19

Time for your siblings to step up.

When you go, perhaps all your family will then recognise just how much you do for them.

Nothing to feel guilty about.

Lokkiton · 31/10/2025 16:20

You absolutely need to do this. Because they need to have systems in place for coping without you. Otherwise, what would happen if you were ill or hospitalised?

user5972308467 · 31/10/2025 16:21

They’d be being unreasonable if you were an only child, but they have other kids AND grandkids, and presumably know how to use a phone to book a taxi?
Go OP, before you’re too old yourself!

Jackiebrambles · 31/10/2025 16:21

Oh my word you have to go. Please go!! They are adults, they can manage. You can make sure they have access to a taxi number and online shop or whatever - they can call your other siblings.

FastTurtle · 31/10/2025 16:22

Go, they had the freedom to go and holiday and do whatever when they were your age, why shouldn’t you?

Craftysue · 31/10/2025 16:24

Just book your trip. They will have to use taxis or ask your siblings for help.
Have a lovely time

Wotrewelookinat · 31/10/2025 16:24

It doesn't happen to everyone at this age OP. My parents are 93 and 80 and still go out and about seeing friends, going to the theatre and go on 2 cruises a year. They won't drive or fly, so get a taxi and train to Southampton for cruises, and live in a London suburb so use the Tube and buses as needed. They have their health challenges but haven't given up.

You should definitely go on your trip. Leave them phone numbers of taxi companies and inform your siblings that you'll be away and it's time for them to step up.

Decorhate · 31/10/2025 16:25

You shouldn't not go just because they are worried how they will manage while you are gone.

BUT I would have everything arranged so that you can easily cut the holiday short if one of them gets seriously ill or dies while you are away.

That is, have insurance that will cover it, flexible flights that can be rearranged.

I don't want to be a downer on your plans but this is the reality of having very elderly parents.