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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be guilted by elderly parents and go on a big trip

214 replies

Suninthe · 31/10/2025 16:05

DP are nearly 80 and 87 - they have been wonderful parents, supportive and loving for my whole life. However since Covid they have retreated further and further into a smaller world and now rarely leave the house, let alone the town or county - they havent been abroad since 2019 and have no intention of ever going more than 10 miles away, their health isnt amazing but DP was cycling until a couple of years ago amd only just stopped driving. DM uses a stick but when no-one is noticing I have seen her move around without one but any suggestion that it is a mental thing just sends her into a meltdown - she refuses to walk anywhere now apart from the odd trip to the shops and has lost friends by cancelling constantly because of it.

As their world has gotten smaller my life is opening up - after decades of a stressful job, kids etc I took redundancy and got a much less stressful job with more time off, My own DH isnt in brilliant health but steady ATM and we want to plan a big trip - 6 or 7 weeks or so visiting DSS in NZ and doing a round the world trip. When I mentioned it to DM she closed it down straight away and said - "we will have to see how we are". I have two siblings but I am the only one who drives and get roped in for most of the hospital appointments etc. There are GC but DM seees it as my responsibility i think... It made me just want to book a flight there and then. I am determined not to be guilt tripped into not going away - Europe is ok apparently but no further. I did a 6 week walk in spain sfter i got made redundant snd had the frosty treatment from DM for weeks.. i know its an age vulnerability thing but AIBU to just sod it and go???

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 31/10/2025 17:53

' "we will have to see how we are".'

your reply is - I wasn't inviting you, as i know you wouldn't be interested in coming, I am telling you this is what dh and I are doing in x month.

OldBalkanNationalistGrumpy · 31/10/2025 17:53

Tell them to live their lives as they wish and you live yours as you wish. I would not dare tell my adult children what to do, even so I live with one of them!!!

PeonyBulb · 31/10/2025 17:55

Pretty sure the world will carry on for your DP lives whether you’re around or not.

Go on holiday as much as you bloody well want

And as a PP pointed out your are not their staff so you can do what you want

Candlesandmatches · 31/10/2025 17:56

Yes of course you should go. There are people that live in different country from their parents!
Please go. You will regret if you don’t. If they want help while you are gone there are befriending services. Yes I know it’s not you but it would also add interest to their life and give you some respite.

PeonyBulb · 31/10/2025 17:57

You’re not obliged to even inform them of your movements let alone let them affect your plans

Seeingadistance · 31/10/2025 17:57

Parsleysalad · 31/10/2025 16:12

You should have said, why are you coming with us? When she said they will have to see how they are

Go and have a ball.

This!

I had to reread this part of the original post, because it would only make any sense or be evenly remotely relevant if the elderly parents were also going on the trip.

But seems the only trip they are keen on just now is a guilt trip!

Go, OP, and have a wonderful time.

Also, you might want to stick your head round the door of the Elderly Parents board on here!

Iloveacurry · 31/10/2025 17:59

Book your trip. Honestly what are you supposed to do? Is she suggesting you wait until they both die (sorry!) before you go on a trip like this? Realistically that could be a number of years.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 31/10/2025 18:00

Mary46 · 31/10/2025 16:49

Op keep info vague as we found our mother had loads ailments just before our flights) have a lovely break. Im sure they can get a few taxis to apts. Yes I accept its not easy but we cant put our life on hold either my mam in 80s too.

Reminds me of DM’s aunt, who would have a ‘funny turn’ every time her only-child son ever wanted to go anywhere- even for just an evening out.
Selfish old hag!

Katflapkit · 31/10/2025 18:05

YABU about your parents. I don't doubt your mother does need that stick and is not faking it for attention as you seem to imply. You say their world got smaller during and after Covid. Its amazing how people talk about the effects on a generation of school children and yet the elderly, who were the one most vulnerable groups were expected to bounce back.

A lot of the elderly loose their confidence, scared they will fall, be a victim of crime. Going further afield is overwhelming with that kid of anxiety. It can be a downward spiral and they can be stubborn but at 80+87 they deserve some compassion.

Having said that, of course you should plan your holiday to NZ. I think the real enemy of your trip is not your parents but your siblings. They need to pull their fingers out. You need to have a Frank conversation and say I do X Y & Z and I am away for 6 weeks, so it's your turn etc. They will have to divide up even if it means they will have to book leave etc. Do not take no for an answer.

There are practical things you can put into place, as people have suggested. Hospital transport for hospital appointments and taxi service numbers in phone. Home deliveries for food etc. What are there neighbours like, can they keep an eye on them? The rest can picked up by the siblings.

Have a wonderful trip.

MaurineWayBack · 31/10/2025 18:05

It’s very clear that she doesn’t get to tell you how to live your life!
Yes you’re helping them a lot. But they’re taking that help for granted so much they can’t even consider you might have your own life.

I suspect you need boubdaries @Suninthe
That theyre used to just ring and you’re there to help. They expect it not just appreciate it itswim.

AngelicKaty · 31/10/2025 18:05

@Suninthe YANBU OP - you only have one life and you can't be sure when your DH's health may deteriorate, so go for it while you can. When your DM said "we will have to see how we are" you missed your opportunity to say that you were informing them of your plans, not asking for their permission. It's time for your siblings to step up to fill the breach while you and your DH are away - they can get taxis to take your DPs to attend appointments, go shopping or anything else that you are usually used for because you can drive. Do not be bullied into giving up on your plans OP - if you get any pushback from DPs or siblings, ask them what they would do if something happened to you.
Best of luck! 😊

bouncydog · 31/10/2025 18:06

Your parents are very selfish IMHO. Go on your trip and enjoy it. They’ll manage just fine and your siblings will just have to be on call!

Tilly91 · 31/10/2025 18:06

Suninthe · 31/10/2025 16:05

DP are nearly 80 and 87 - they have been wonderful parents, supportive and loving for my whole life. However since Covid they have retreated further and further into a smaller world and now rarely leave the house, let alone the town or county - they havent been abroad since 2019 and have no intention of ever going more than 10 miles away, their health isnt amazing but DP was cycling until a couple of years ago amd only just stopped driving. DM uses a stick but when no-one is noticing I have seen her move around without one but any suggestion that it is a mental thing just sends her into a meltdown - she refuses to walk anywhere now apart from the odd trip to the shops and has lost friends by cancelling constantly because of it.

As their world has gotten smaller my life is opening up - after decades of a stressful job, kids etc I took redundancy and got a much less stressful job with more time off, My own DH isnt in brilliant health but steady ATM and we want to plan a big trip - 6 or 7 weeks or so visiting DSS in NZ and doing a round the world trip. When I mentioned it to DM she closed it down straight away and said - "we will have to see how we are". I have two siblings but I am the only one who drives and get roped in for most of the hospital appointments etc. There are GC but DM seees it as my responsibility i think... It made me just want to book a flight there and then. I am determined not to be guilt tripped into not going away - Europe is ok apparently but no further. I did a 6 week walk in spain sfter i got made redundant snd had the frosty treatment from DM for weeks.. i know its an age vulnerability thing but AIBU to just sod it and go???

Obviously you don't need their permission to go away, there are other family who can help them if they need it, just book your trip. Yanbu about that at all. But about your mums walking stick yabu to suggest it's 'a mental thing' she's 80 years old, and energy levels and pain or any other symptoms she has are going to fluctuate. Many people use walking sticks just when they need them or as a bit more support if they are a little unsteady and worried about falling. Your siblings need to be stepping up and taking their fair share of supprting your parents, they can get taxis if need be.

GAJLY · 31/10/2025 18:07

You should go and enjoy yourselves, you only live once. If they are adamant they'll hibernate whilst you're away, then so be it. Your siblings can arrange to have groceries delivered to their house. They'll be fine! Bookbit and tell them, as it gives them time to get used to it.

NeedAnyHelpWithThatPaperBag · 31/10/2025 18:12

Did your parents experience responsibilities in later life for their parents, I wonder? Probably not, as greater numbers living to greater ages, but with chronic health conditions, is a fairly new phenomenon.

Justmadesourkraut · 31/10/2025 18:12

Of course you go. I had a similar situation, but my mums best friend made me book it!

You say they have been wonderful parents, so give them some help to prepare. Make it clear that you will be going away, so certain things need to be put in place. Can they afford taxis if they need them? Can you db and ds get to visit them, whilst you are away? Talk to their grandchildren and give them chance to step up for a few weeks. Make sure that everyone in the family has a list: dates of birth, telephone number for gp and dentist, list of medication, as this would always be needed for a hospital visit, list of recent health issues, with dates, basic house stuff - a spare front door key, gas and electric suppliers, boiler repair person in case central heating dies, bank address in case they need to get some cash . . .

If they can afford it, and have a spare room, a live in carer is a possibility for a 6 week period - it would cost them about £1400 per week but could give you - and them - peace of mind. . .

Crunchienuts · 31/10/2025 18:15

You should absolutely go on holiday. Your siblings can still help them out and get taxis to appointments with them if you are not around. You also might want to look into home help or carer for them as well. Sounds like that have got dependent on you and feel anxious about you going away but you need to live your life!

shuddacuddadidnt · 31/10/2025 18:15

highlandponymummy · 31/10/2025 16:13

I really do sympathise with you. My DM is a widow and like you, I now want to go away more. She doesn't make me feel guilty, it's me. I feel that she's my responsibility and I feel bad. I'm the only one who ever takes her on holiday. My DB and DS do nothing. Having said all that, I'm going next year and do should you. Please make the most of the free time you now have. Let her be frosty with you, it's her choice. There are other options of help available whilst you are away. If they choose not to use them , then that's up to them. If you let it start now it'll be a slippery slope x

I'm a widow in my 70s. Introduce your DM to this online group, which also has meet ups irl. I've been on arranged holidays with them and even made a couple of friends. I knew no-one on my first trip, but everyone was welcoming and the same faces now often show up on trips.

https://way-up.co.uk/

Way Up – Online Widowed Support Group

https://way-up.co.uk

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 31/10/2025 18:17

Better to feel guilt than resentment.

Imagine if you don't go, your parents are fine for years, and then your DH becomes too ill to travel.

If you were their only family member I can understand their worry more but you have two siblings presumably in the same country?!

godmum56 · 31/10/2025 18:18

Suninthe · 31/10/2025 16:16

I know you are right.. i. Think i am more sad how their own life has shrunk and never thought it would be like this.. does it happen to everyone as they age?? Looking around it seems so with a few exceptions.. plus my siblings who never go anywhere seem to get off so lightly ! Partly because they never go anywhere!!

I think it does and it doesn't.....I have a sib who used to travel a lot but their back no longer allows it. I trashed my knees going hip deep in a bog walking my dogs so I can't walk like I used to and I wouldn't have another dog because on odd (rare) occasions my knee locks painfully and I can't get out of the house.....there can be reasons why people can do less. Your issue doesn't arise for me because I have no kids so I just get on and do what is needed myself, but if it did I wouldn't be expecting you not to go but I would be requiring loads of photos. Again, while my life might look circumscribed, I enjoy it and could easily do more if I wanted to.

mullers1977 · 31/10/2025 18:18

Suninthe · 31/10/2025 16:05

DP are nearly 80 and 87 - they have been wonderful parents, supportive and loving for my whole life. However since Covid they have retreated further and further into a smaller world and now rarely leave the house, let alone the town or county - they havent been abroad since 2019 and have no intention of ever going more than 10 miles away, their health isnt amazing but DP was cycling until a couple of years ago amd only just stopped driving. DM uses a stick but when no-one is noticing I have seen her move around without one but any suggestion that it is a mental thing just sends her into a meltdown - she refuses to walk anywhere now apart from the odd trip to the shops and has lost friends by cancelling constantly because of it.

As their world has gotten smaller my life is opening up - after decades of a stressful job, kids etc I took redundancy and got a much less stressful job with more time off, My own DH isnt in brilliant health but steady ATM and we want to plan a big trip - 6 or 7 weeks or so visiting DSS in NZ and doing a round the world trip. When I mentioned it to DM she closed it down straight away and said - "we will have to see how we are". I have two siblings but I am the only one who drives and get roped in for most of the hospital appointments etc. There are GC but DM seees it as my responsibility i think... It made me just want to book a flight there and then. I am determined not to be guilt tripped into not going away - Europe is ok apparently but no further. I did a 6 week walk in spain sfter i got made redundant snd had the frosty treatment from DM for weeks.. i know its an age vulnerability thing but AIBU to just sod it and go???

I would say they are incredibly fortunate to still have each other at their age, they can look after each other and travel together to hospital etc if your siblings do nothing then they should be happy to step up and I think you should get a WhatsApp group going with them making sure they take their turns - you go for it, they have each other - my mum is on her own and I do feel guilty as my sister does do very little (although lives Closest) so make the most of it while you have two parents - if they shut you down say - oh I'm going but aren't you lucky you have each other and DS DD to help out x

sueelleker · 31/10/2025 18:19

Iloveacurry · 31/10/2025 17:59

Book your trip. Honestly what are you supposed to do? Is she suggesting you wait until they both die (sorry!) before you go on a trip like this? Realistically that could be a number of years.

That was my first thought.

EleanorReally · 31/10/2025 18:21

who is there for them if you are not?

EleanorReally · 31/10/2025 18:21

although I do think it is a very unfair comment of your DM

Freeme31 · 31/10/2025 18:22

please go, you are not their parent or therapist you are their child and they are being so selfish. I wonder if they had the same “parenting” responsibilities when they were your age? Probably not because if they had they would not pile this guilt on you. Your siblings will never step up whilst you continue to prop up their lazy attitude to support. For everyone sake you should stop taking on everything for everyone they are all selfish and taking you for granted