Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be guilted by elderly parents and go on a big trip

214 replies

Suninthe · 31/10/2025 16:05

DP are nearly 80 and 87 - they have been wonderful parents, supportive and loving for my whole life. However since Covid they have retreated further and further into a smaller world and now rarely leave the house, let alone the town or county - they havent been abroad since 2019 and have no intention of ever going more than 10 miles away, their health isnt amazing but DP was cycling until a couple of years ago amd only just stopped driving. DM uses a stick but when no-one is noticing I have seen her move around without one but any suggestion that it is a mental thing just sends her into a meltdown - she refuses to walk anywhere now apart from the odd trip to the shops and has lost friends by cancelling constantly because of it.

As their world has gotten smaller my life is opening up - after decades of a stressful job, kids etc I took redundancy and got a much less stressful job with more time off, My own DH isnt in brilliant health but steady ATM and we want to plan a big trip - 6 or 7 weeks or so visiting DSS in NZ and doing a round the world trip. When I mentioned it to DM she closed it down straight away and said - "we will have to see how we are". I have two siblings but I am the only one who drives and get roped in for most of the hospital appointments etc. There are GC but DM seees it as my responsibility i think... It made me just want to book a flight there and then. I am determined not to be guilt tripped into not going away - Europe is ok apparently but no further. I did a 6 week walk in spain sfter i got made redundant snd had the frosty treatment from DM for weeks.. i know its an age vulnerability thing but AIBU to just sod it and go???

OP posts:
JosieRay · 31/10/2025 16:26

If you do book the trip OP, be prepared for a medical ‘emergency’ the day before you go and have someone on standby to deal with it, but don’t let the guilt get to you. We had years of this with my Grandma as children and many cancelled holidays!

BauhausOfEliott · 31/10/2025 16:27

Of course you should bloody go on your trip! They might be elderly and slowing up a bit, but that doesn't mean they're not capable of phoning for a taxi if they need a lift somewhere during the six weeks you're away. You don't have to shrink your life to match theirs.

themerchentofvenus · 31/10/2025 16:27

@Suninthe It has nothing to do with your parents. It's not their decision to make.

If they want to sulk because you're seeing the world then let them.

If they need transportation then they can use a taxi.

Nanny0gg · 31/10/2025 16:28

Suninthe · 31/10/2025 16:16

I know you are right.. i. Think i am more sad how their own life has shrunk and never thought it would be like this.. does it happen to everyone as they age?? Looking around it seems so with a few exceptions.. plus my siblings who never go anywhere seem to get off so lightly ! Partly because they never go anywhere!!

Some do retreat, some don't

But that isn't for you to manage

Go and book your trip and make the most of your freedom

Changename12 · 31/10/2025 16:31

You absolutely must go. your parents could live for many more years and if you give in to them now, you always will. You may never get to have your dream holiday. Your parents are being very selfish. If they need it, they can get a taxi. You have siblings. You do not owe your parents care. I would not expect my adult children to alter their plans because of me. I love them. I want them to have a good life. Have a great trip. NZ is wonderful.

WallaceinAnderland · 31/10/2025 16:32

You will regret not going more than you would regret going ifyswim.

They may be grumpy but they'll get over it. You have your own life to live and you may never get this opportunity again.

Plenty of time left to sit with them or drive them to the shops/hospital. Mundane life will carry on, opportunities don't often knock twice.

OSTMusTisNT · 31/10/2025 16:37

Of course you should go, this might force your siblings to finally step up as well.

But, just a tip from experience, don't tell them when you are going, be vague until you're all packed and ready to head off for the airport or they'll concoct some tale of misery and have you leaving under a cloud of guilt. Elderly people become very selfish eventually but they have each other and taxi's for appointments. It's not as if they are in a hospice on palliative care.

Get the flights booked and enjoy all the planning.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 31/10/2025 16:37

You say she closed you down, she doesn’t get to do that, she’s not in charge of you. I’d not mentioning it again until you’ve finalised your plans, then you can tell them about it as a done deal, because it is. If they start going on about who’s going to look after them then cheerfully remind them that they have two other children. Do not “discuss” your trip with them. This is not a negotiation. This is what you are doing, they do not have a say.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 31/10/2025 16:46

Unless they are very hard up,,there’s no reason why they can’t take taxis to e.g. hospital appointments. If shopping is an issue, can someone order online for them? (Assuming they can’t or won’t do it for themselves,).

Please go head nd book your holiday, OP! They will just have to lump it.

BuckChuckets · 31/10/2025 16:47

WoahWoahandThriceWoah · 31/10/2025 16:17

'We will have to see how we are '.
This blows my mind! It isn't their decision based on their health, it is your decision based on what you want to do!
Of course you should go.

Same! @Suninthe is there a reason you didn't immediately question what she meant by that? Obviously different people/different relationships, but I also have parents in their 80s and honestly I'd laugh if one of them said that to me when I was telling them about something I was planning for me.

Mary46 · 31/10/2025 16:49

Op keep info vague as we found our mother had loads ailments just before our flights) have a lovely break. Im sure they can get a few taxis to apts. Yes I accept its not easy but we cant put our life on hold either my mam in 80s too.

Mary46 · 31/10/2025 16:50

Yep we get it too. She wants travel info run by her. I keep it so so vague now to protect myself

BauhausOfEliott · 31/10/2025 16:54

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 31/10/2025 16:37

You say she closed you down, she doesn’t get to do that, she’s not in charge of you. I’d not mentioning it again until you’ve finalised your plans, then you can tell them about it as a done deal, because it is. If they start going on about who’s going to look after them then cheerfully remind them that they have two other children. Do not “discuss” your trip with them. This is not a negotiation. This is what you are doing, they do not have a say.

Exactly. OP, you really don't have to be so passive about this.

When I mentioned it to DM she closed it down straight away and said - "we will have to see how we are".

DP and I are planning a 'big' trip next year and I'll probably tell my mum about it next time I see her. If she attempted to 'close it down' and said 'we will have to see how I am', my response would be 'No we won't have to see how you are, because you're not the one making the trip'.

MrsDoubtfire1 · 31/10/2025 16:54

I would do my round the world trip now that they are still in their 80s. Get your siblings on board with care agencies and just go. I was an only child and had to face all the music myself. When my parents finally passed away in their mid 90s I was a shell of my former self, a mouse, too afraid to drive or get on a plane. You don't know what happens down the road and how long they will live - could be to 100. Make sure you do that trip now, ride rough shod over any nay sayers. You won't regret it. Don't end up like me and you do have siblings, I had no one.

ThisLemonHare · 31/10/2025 16:56

You and your DH also have a responsibility to maintain family ties with your DSS and to look after your marriage. If your DH's health is wobbly, now is the time to make this trip. Expect lots of push back and last minute crises from your parents but stand firm. They have other children and can use taxis for a few weeks.

ginasevern · 31/10/2025 16:56

@Suninthe "Think i am more sad how their own life has shrunk and never thought it would be like this.. does it happen to everyone as they age?? "

Yes, it's extremely common for elderly people's worlds to shrink. There are all sorts of factors behind that, mostly due to health and the innate vulnerability that comes with old age. But Covid had a terrible impact and really put the tin hat on it. Everyone empathetically discusses the repercussions on children and young people, but the pandemic put the literal fear of god into the elderly. Your parents are at the most vulnerable time of their lives and they don't have many more years left. They are very well aware that you are their actual life line. Of course you can't put your life on hold for them and it is utterly unfair that your siblings don't help, but that's a story as old as time. Just try to put something in place for them and reassure them before you go on your trip.

Liondoesntsleepatnight · 31/10/2025 17:02

Hospital transport is great for hospital appointments - get them to use it? Then when away if they need a hospital appointment they know how tp get there? Or taxi?

WhatNoRaisins · 31/10/2025 17:08

Go for it. I had a late grandparent that lived hundreds of miles away from us and when they were your parents age they just had to get on with things like hospital appointments because there wasn't anyone to take them. It's not unusual and many elderly people have to manage their own lives or source other help when necessary.

Overthewaytwice · 31/10/2025 17:09

How bloody rude of her! Book your trip and tell them once it's a done deal, they have no right to assume they get a say in your travel plans.

Zempy · 31/10/2025 17:10

Book it now!!!

rookiemere · 31/10/2025 17:11

Please go.
I am an only DC and our lovely plans for extended travel have been put on hold by my elderly DPs. In my case there is nobody else to pick up the slack and I suspect if I told DM we were thinking of going away for more than a week, she would have a major health issue as she would get herself so worked up with anxiety. I haven’t told her we’re off to Morocco next Monday for a week, might pretend it’s the Canaries instead.

Cardinalita90 · 31/10/2025 17:12

It'll drive a deep wedge of resentment between you if you don't go. They have others they can rely on and you can ensure they have the numbers for taxis/hospital transport before you leave. They're only going to get older and more frail so now is the time to do it!

BufferingAgain · 31/10/2025 17:12

Of course you must go. Call their bluff and ask if they would like help arranging a carer they can call in an emergency.

stating the obvious but if you hold off trips for 20 years, by the time you’re ‘allowed’ to go you might have your own health issues.

stichguru · 31/10/2025 17:14

Help them sort out the cover they need for while you are away, and then go and enjoy yourself. If you are their go to, it isn't surprising that they feel wobbly about you not being there, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't go!

mondaytosunday · 31/10/2025 17:16

As someone who moved a country away from my patents, and they also moved a country from their parents, I can’t really relate. My parents were always encouraging and expected us to follow our dreams, and they travelled extensively up until my father had a stroke (abroad, after a weekend road trip). You have siblings who can step in if need be - you are not solely responsible for your parents.