To not be guilted by elderly parents and go on a big trip

[Suninthe]

DP are nearly 80 and 87 - they have been wonderful parents, supportive and loving for my whole life. However since Covid they have retreated further and further into a smaller world and now rarely leave the house, let alone the town or county - they havent been abroad since 2019 and have no intention of ever going more than 10 miles away, their health isnt amazing but DP was cycling until a couple of years ago amd only just stopped driving. DM uses a stick but when no-one is noticing I have seen her move around without one but any suggestion that it is a mental thing just sends her into a meltdown - she refuses to walk anywhere now apart from the odd trip to the shops and has lost friends by cancelling constantly because of it.

As their world has gotten smaller my life is opening up - after decades of a stressful job, kids etc I took redundancy and got a much less stressful job with more time off, My own DH isnt in brilliant health but steady ATM and we want to plan a big trip - 6 or 7 weeks or so visiting DSS in NZ and doing a round the world trip. When I mentioned it to DM she closed it down straight away and said - "we will have to see how we are". I have two siblings but I am the only one who drives and get roped in for most of the hospital appointments etc. There are GC but DM seees it as my responsibility i think... It made me just want to book a flight there and then. I am determined not to be guilt tripped into not going away - Europe is ok apparently but no further. I did a 6 week walk in spain sfter i got made redundant snd had the frosty treatment from DM for weeks.. i know its an age vulnerability thing but AIBU to just sod it and go???

I had to re read your post as when Mother's comment was 'we'll have to see how we are', I thought they were going too!

It might be really good for them to either build a bit of self reliance or make them realise what other support they need to put in place.

Go and have a fantastic time.

My parents are very old and they become very frightened and anxious but are incredibly stubborn too. There is always one sibling that tends to pick up the majority of the care. The fact is they have had their lives and this is your time. I have health issues and nobody to help out. I'm on my own in that regard and I'm regularly assessing where the boundaries are. It's very difficult because you undoubtedly love your parents. My parents would never want me not to do anything but I am their safety net. However, I remind them, I have no safety net so why should they get one and not me. We are all struggling to do the best we can but please go and enjoy your trip.

My parents are 80. Mum has a blue badge and doesn't get out much, maybe lunch with a friend a couple of times a month. Dad still driving. They just got back from Cyprus, have already booked to go back next September, and are visiting me in the middle east next March. Each time they come, I think it should be the last time, but they're not ready to stop yet.

You should absolutely do the right thing for you, it's not like you're emigrating (I did, 7 years ago!)

Definitely go. But do help with making plans for while you’re away.

I also wondered whether parent was thinking you were asking them to go with you.

please book and go. I have been in a similar situation and dealt with the frostiness when we got back. It thawed after a couple of weeks because we’d been missed. But yes put a care package in hand even if just immediate family. I likened it to taking out an extra insurance policy. Go for it and enjoy. It’s your time.

There is hospital patient transport for elderly, great service come pick the patient up and drop them off, i know edlerly in 80s who use it and praise it, shopping can be done online etc. enjoy your trip!

Are you sure she hasn't misunderstood and thinks you want them to go with you? The wording does suggest that to me, ie "we (not you) will have to see how we are".

My mother was very controlling and being the only child I just appeased her. Looking back she stopped me from doing so much. If I was you I’d go any where you wanted. Please don’t let them hold you back.

Labell its difficult i stay firm now as if I appeased my mam I would have no break at all in the summer which she be thrilled about as Im available. I suit myself more now.

Your siblings need to step up sounds like you do a lot and deserve this trip.

I'd be tempted to not tell them you're going at all... if you do theres a chance one of them will "become ill" to guilt you into not going.... but you should make your siblings aware they need to step up and take more responsibility while you are away. I despise guilt tripping and manipulation..... please don't let it stop your well earned trip.

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest. It's not like you're leaving them out in the middle of the sticks with no support. You have siblings and niblings nearby that can help them. They are just used to depending on you!

Go, enjoy, and if your mom decides to be pissy when you get back then that is a "her" problem... not a "you" problem.

Agree with this, it’s a favourite trick of FIL. Telling him we were going on holiday invariably got an ambulance up the drive the day before we were supposed to leave. Now we tell him we’re away when we get there.