To not be guilted by elderly parents and go on a big trip

[Suninthe]

DP are nearly 80 and 87 - they have been wonderful parents, supportive and loving for my whole life. However since Covid they have retreated further and further into a smaller world and now rarely leave the house, let alone the town or county - they havent been abroad since 2019 and have no intention of ever going more than 10 miles away, their health isnt amazing but DP was cycling until a couple of years ago amd only just stopped driving. DM uses a stick but when no-one is noticing I have seen her move around without one but any suggestion that it is a mental thing just sends her into a meltdown - she refuses to walk anywhere now apart from the odd trip to the shops and has lost friends by cancelling constantly because of it.

As their world has gotten smaller my life is opening up - after decades of a stressful job, kids etc I took redundancy and got a much less stressful job with more time off, My own DH isnt in brilliant health but steady ATM and we want to plan a big trip - 6 or 7 weeks or so visiting DSS in NZ and doing a round the world trip. When I mentioned it to DM she closed it down straight away and said - "we will have to see how we are". I have two siblings but I am the only one who drives and get roped in for most of the hospital appointments etc. There are GC but DM seees it as my responsibility i think... It made me just want to book a flight there and then. I am determined not to be guilt tripped into not going away - Europe is ok apparently but no further. I did a 6 week walk in spain sfter i got made redundant snd had the frosty treatment from DM for weeks.. i know its an age vulnerability thing but AIBU to just sod it and go???

Thats how i want to be ! They sound great

This with bells on.

Go! This is your time... who knows what the future holds. Why wait? Your parents are currently managing.. if you wait a year or two they may not be and then it will be really hard to go...
Enjoy... plus the other siblings will have to step in, whether they drive or not they can still stay the night or help book taxis or food shops or go to appointment with them. You've done the lions share and six weeks is no time at all.

can you organise social services, community carers, to go in a couple of times a week?

Step 1
Book your trip
Step 2
Call a full family meeting and sort out who is doing what.Do not let anyone cop out.You are a family you must pull together
Step 3
if meeting unsuccessful look into respite care for your parents either a home help service or other via social services get everyone to financially chip in.
Step 4
This is not all on you it never should have been, its too much responsibility for you to shoulder on your own.Please stop with the misplaced guilt
Step 5
Just go ..live, have fun..You deserve this.

Maybe you cant afford taxis or after a lifetime of caring for kids - and probably driving them everywhere - you feel a lift is not much to ask for.

It’s not just a lift though, is it? It’s travelling to them and getting to their house early to make sure they’re ready, shuffling them into the car, giving the lift- and not just hoofing them out but finding close enough parking, shuffling them out and into the surgery/shop/hairdresser/whatever, moderating the behaviours, taking notes and collecting any additional items, shuffling them back to the car, giving the lift back home, shuffling them back into the house and having to stay for a cup of tea because they didn’t realise you were too busy to spend any time with them, sigh… if you’re working that’s half or a full day of holiday you’ve had to use- each time they ‘just want a lift’.

This is it sockfluff it all takes hours to do even the planning round it) the joys! God its draining at times

Of course you should go, but the only way for you to be able to relax and enjoy yourself will be putting in place care, lifts to appointments etc, as well as co-opting siblings to take up the slack. It will also require you to spend time reassuring your parents, and reminding them that you won't be gone for long. Your DM is feeling anxious and vulnerable because you've done such a good job looking after them - but you shouldn't be the only one doing this. Enjoy your holiday!!

@Nearly50omg Good point. I agree with @Sunshineismyfavourite, give your siblings plenty of notice, make sure that everyone has local taxi numbers and the contact info. for the hospital transportation.

Your siblings can help out, time that they did from why you’ve said. Why you should do everything for your parents when they do nothing much?

Thats really sad but happens alot. Hope you are living well now

Please please please book your trip and have a fabulous time. I'm 47 and my DH is 50, we have 2 DDs 11 and 9 and both work full time in our business and employ 10 people. My PIL between them have terminal cancer and Alzheimer's. They are now selfish people I don't recognise, and expect so much from my DH and his brother, yet do nothing to help themselves. They did not used to be like this before Covid. They now have carers 4 times a day and his dad is in and out of hospital and his mum with Alzheimer's gets very erratic and aggressive every time his dad is in hospital. Dealing with her is even more difficult than his dad with cancer. They can both behave like selfish toddlers and our entire life is taken over with the miserable life they are both leading. It has almost broken my lovely DH who is constantly trying to do the right thing. I do somethings to help but DH won't let me do much, he says they're his parents and his responsibility so I pick up the slack at home and with the kids so he can be there for them. I can't imagine ageing and wanting my children to feel like this and expecting so much of them. It is soul destroying and lots of you lovely ladies on this thread have similar stories it seems, and you're all amazing. The never ending guilt is astounding isn't it? You need this trip, and do you know what? I think they will cope because they will have to. And when you get back and they have coped hopefully it will make you realise you don't have to do everything for them.

Would cost a fortune - you’d be cheaper to get some kind of flexible ticket. My mum is elderly but wouldn’t want me to not travel or even come back early which makes it easier for me as less guilt. But I would definitely look at flexible flights then if you need to change anything you can. Plus in extreme cases like serious illness or death of a relative, most airlines have provisions for this.

Don’t forget any of these other than

Book your trip

that’s all you have to do

Bloody autocorrect

Don't do any of these other than

Of course you should go, if your DPs don’t want to go that’s their choice.

Thanks

That spunds stressfull and your DH sounds like a good man but it must be hsrd for you both..hope it gets better

My mum used to do this, but not as extreme and I recognise now it was anxiety because I was her Person. My siblings were not of much help, and she knew I would be reliable. She was just scared something might happen to her and I'd not be around. To be fair I built that rod for my own back over the years

I still went on hols with help planned, but she'd definitely feel anxious, get ill before I left etc. I think anxiety caused illness sometimes. She wasn't doing it out of malice.
Please don't let them control your holidays, allow them to trust others should they need help when you're away

I hope you've already booked the trip by the time you read this - just only tell them a few days prior to leaving!

This is exactly how i feel. My siblings are lovely but ive always had less stuff going on than them and been the go to person...the expectations and self expectation is hard wired over years

Recently became aware of this saying and it's helping me a lot: Don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm! It sounds like you are doing a lot (and it being taken for granted). Others can take over as needed, don't postpone living your life.

I can understand that, and I imagine none of your family is behaving out of malice or unkindness, but the poster you’ve replied to was talking about her mum on her own whereas your parents have each other, at some point that will change and eventually that will make things harder for you so act now to get things in place so you’re not the only one they feel is reliable x hopefully you can speak to your siblings and say m&d are getting on and need more help how can we work this out x please update us when you book we are all willing you on x

My sister had no kids , a stress free job and lived 30 mins from my parents. I had kids, a tough job and lived 3 hours away. But I could see that the expectation and obligation on my sister was as much a burden as the constant driving over to provide help several times a week. she did a huge amount, more than I could do, and years later I am still grateful for what she did.

But I did what I could: scheduled regular weekends to visit and stay. My brother and I each set aside a week’s leave to provide respite, we took over all the admin we could. Phoned our parents every day. Etc. My young teens were happy to help their grandparents, would come with me and mow their lawn, collect windfall apples (a novelty for them) and make crumbles to put in the freezer.

You have years of this. Get the wider family involved.

In due course look into Attendance Allowance and outside help. They will resist but it will be easier if they already have experience of trusting more than one person.

You do have to live your life - it’s making peace with that yourself about it that’s the thing and most people would encourage you to go and enjoy what sounds a fantastic trip.

In your shoes @Suninthe I wouldn’t even be talking about or mentioning that you’d be ‘home in a heartbeat’ if anything happens …. You will be halfway around the world and TBH I would worry that there will be some ‘emergency’ ( in their eyes) that means that this occurs and they ask you to return and that is just not fair. Sad as that sounds.

@SockFluffInTheBath

This 💯
Articulated perfectly-thanks x

They can get a taxi.

Go to NZ!

My DP are similar ages to yours. DF gave up driving last year and now they both have buggies. They rarely ask for a lift any where because, if it’s too far for the buggies, they go on the bus or, more likely, get a taxi. DM tells me that giving up the car has saved them quite a bit of money so they can treat themselves to a taxi twice a week.
Go on your trip. The only thing, I worry about when I go away, is one of them dying!