To not be guilted by elderly parents and go on a big trip

[Suninthe]

DP are nearly 80 and 87 - they have been wonderful parents, supportive and loving for my whole life. However since Covid they have retreated further and further into a smaller world and now rarely leave the house, let alone the town or county - they havent been abroad since 2019 and have no intention of ever going more than 10 miles away, their health isnt amazing but DP was cycling until a couple of years ago amd only just stopped driving. DM uses a stick but when no-one is noticing I have seen her move around without one but any suggestion that it is a mental thing just sends her into a meltdown - she refuses to walk anywhere now apart from the odd trip to the shops and has lost friends by cancelling constantly because of it.

As their world has gotten smaller my life is opening up - after decades of a stressful job, kids etc I took redundancy and got a much less stressful job with more time off, My own DH isnt in brilliant health but steady ATM and we want to plan a big trip - 6 or 7 weeks or so visiting DSS in NZ and doing a round the world trip. When I mentioned it to DM she closed it down straight away and said - "we will have to see how we are". I have two siblings but I am the only one who drives and get roped in for most of the hospital appointments etc. There are GC but DM seees it as my responsibility i think... It made me just want to book a flight there and then. I am determined not to be guilt tripped into not going away - Europe is ok apparently but no further. I did a 6 week walk in spain sfter i got made redundant snd had the frosty treatment from DM for weeks.. i know its an age vulnerability thing but AIBU to just sod it and go???

OP, you are not being at all unreasonable to say “sod it”, and go. If you don’t, if you let them guilt you into not going, then you will end up resentful and they will have you in thrall to them until they die. It’s sad, but old people, as they lose their independence, can become rather fretful and demanding. I have a very dear friend who has lived abroad for over 40 years, but her very elderly father has made it plain that he thinks she should come back and look after him. As it is, she visits from the other side of the world several times a year - she still works- and has him every winter for three months. So stick to your plans, OP - life is for living, and you need to take this chance to travel while you have it. Also, your DSiblings need to step up, even if it means taking your DPs to appointments by taxi. Just because you have always been the one to help out doesn’t mean that it’s your sole responsibility.

I think part of the issue is telling them about the trip and expecting them to be pleased - as they should be - that DH and yourself have this great opportunity to travel.
We are - fingers crossed- heading off to Morocco for a week next Monday. I am an only DC so a week is as long as I figure I can go atm - DPs are 92 and 87. Dreading telling DM we are going away, have already told DF but he will have forgotten. She will work herself into a state if I say it’s Morocco so I have told DH to say it’s Spain, and may well also work herself into a state so she ends up in hospital so I am going to be deliberately vague about the precise dates.
Selfishly I am actually relieved that I will need an esim with a new telephone number for the trip. Neither of them is up to remembering it unless I programme it into their phones. I just want a week of peace, I have had enough but there is no one else to call in an emergency- or as is usual in a complete non emergency.
You have siblings, they have options.

Oh you should definitely go but as the first post said, what can you do to ‘be at peace with it’? We recently went on a long trip overseas and felt a lot of guilt at leaving my elderly dad who relies on me for a lot of things. He was ok with me going but at the same time, he was obviously worried about not having easy access to his support system (me). I planned it out with him in advance, did meal plans, arranged for sibling to be on hand, set up an uber account (in case he needed to go out urgently) and arranged for different friends to pop in. I did all of that so I could go away and not worry - it worked really well.

You really should grab the opportunity but do whatever you need to do so that you feel at peace with it.

I see it in my mam too gets fretful and demanding before our hols. Its very hard. My husband is tired of it too. I think when one parent goes they get worse coping wise. They selfish really.

I’d just say well sure siblings can step up if any appointments during that time or you can reschedule or request hospital transport. They should not be telling you that you can’t go, absolutely not. Especially when going to visit family. Go, and do not feel guilty. I’d book and send a message to siblings giving the dates you’re away. Leave it to them to deal with them, and don’t feel any guilt.

This is it.. its a side I'd not seen before. My mum has never been selfish but they are just much more clingy now. I find it very sad but ultimately my loyalty is to DH and if we dont go now I dont think we will. His DM spent years looking after parents and her view is go dont even think about it. Same age but different person and he is the only child.

Utterly selfish of them. The state of their health is irrelevant to you going away. Wow.

Do those who think a lift to a hospital appointment is a lot to ask for forget what is was like to get a baby or toddler into a car? Or to pick up a teenager after they got drunk? I could list everything involved in that and make it sound like a massive undertaking - and it was often at least 5 days a week.

Fortunately I can afford taxis, although I plan to move nearer a hospital eventually.

no I think selfish means its deliberate. I think people may not even know they are doing it but i do think there is fear involved too.

Why is that relevant @anyolddinosaur? One’s children don’t ask to be born and most certainly are not brought into the world to be a service animal to their parent. Don’t try to guilt the OP by listing all the things you think her parents will have done for her as a child. That’s not helpful.

Most people work now though you cant be always getting time off. So its not as easy to say its just a lift to x location. My sister is very good to be fair. I help where I can.

His DM spent years looking after parents and her view is go don't even think about it.
I think that this is key, she knows how hard it is and doesn't want it to be as hard for you. OP, join the cockroach café thread in Elderly Parents. Its very helpful.

Ooh you need to set a precedent here. You must go. I can’t believe you’re questioning otherwise! I would be somewhat fearful of their expectations as they age, become more frail and one is left alone. I would also arrange taxis or hospital transport for appointments going forward. This is what we save for, to buy in help and care as needed and leave our busy adult DC to live their own lives.
The wants of someone at the end of life, don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs. Quite the reverse.

Go, go, go. Book it first, tell them the dates second. GC can take a turn helping. Or there's taxis. Have fun! One day you will be old and frail and unable to go on big trips, and will be glad you did.

Of course you can go, it's only a few weeks.

My mum has a neighbour around the age of 85 - she is pretty fit although can't walk very well. Her daughter and son in law decided to go off for a year!

So I think you can go for a few weeks.

One thing I would check if either of them are on hospital waiting lists is if your insurance would cover it if they came to the top of the list and you needed to be there for an operation or whatever. Mine doesn't so I book everything last minute in case my mum comes to the top of a list (fortunately at the moment she isn't waiting for anything). If they have planned hospital appointments they can ask neighbours/friends or get a taxi which is what they would have to do if you didn't live close by anyway (and is what my mum does as I live three hours away from her).

Do it. And soon. Before anything happens to prevent it.

They are not alone, there are 2 of them, they can manage without you. Maybe they will have to get taxis, maybe they will stay at home the whole time you are away. That is their choice. They have other children and grandchildren to help out IF they really need it, but it doesn't sound as if they do.

Also, childhood is finite. Parents know that their children get older and less dependent as time goes on. The commitment is limited.

The reverse is not true. They get progressively less fit, and you don't know if they might die tomorrow or in 10 or even 20 years time.

go but be aware that all sorts of medical needs will crop up just before you go mostly caused by their anxiety. I recommend that you organise your siblings before you go and possibly don’t be very specific as to when you are going.

Perhaps it is time for some rewiring to take place now. At the moment the expectation of your parents and your siblings is that you are the default care-giver, so maybe that needs to be changed sooner rather than later. If you go on your much-wanted Big Trip, then your siblings are going to have to step into your shoes, however reluctant they are to do so. And your parents will have to learn that you will not necessarily always be at their beck and call.

Are you 100% sure they didn’t get the wrong end of the stick and think you were inviting them so they said they would have to see how they were?
Definitely go on the trip. Show them how to use Uber before you go.

So you've kept some sort of ledger over your childrens lives so that now when you're older you can throw it back at them if they don't want to step into a caring role, is that it?
Your children don't owe you for parenting you did when they were younger and not capable of helping themselves. You chose to have those children and it was your responsibility to raise them as well as you could. It doesn't then translate into owing you lifts or whatever caring you need.

Go now - I'm 62, and travelling as much as I can, because I'm aware that there's going to come a time when I'm not fit enough. Don't lose the opportunity.

I’m afraid I would say definitely DON’T do this. Insurance, sure, but plan not to come back for emergencies, or you’ll end up saying that you’ll come back for emergencies, and then an ‘emergency’ is much more likely to happen.

You’re going on holiday for 6/7 weeks not emigrating. ! I suppose they feel a bit vulnerable at being left for that time as they always have relied on you. The remark your mum made was unfounded. Please forgive her for that you only have a mum once. But just be firm and tell them exactly how you will have everything in place for them to make their life easier while you are away. And get your siblings to get of their backside. I’m sure that if there is any inheritance they will be on the doorstep before the will is read .Go and have a great time and no need to feel guilty. You can communicate hopefully on WhatsApp if they are into that. And send the photos of where you have been. I’m 79 and would be delighted if my daughter could enjoy such a brilliant holiday in New Zealand.

GO,GO,GO… i,ve just spent 2 yrs 24/7 looking after alzheimers dad and its almost killed me and irreversibly damaged my health… do what you can while you can sweety xxx