To not be guilted by elderly parents and go on a big trip

[Suninthe]

DP are nearly 80 and 87 - they have been wonderful parents, supportive and loving for my whole life. However since Covid they have retreated further and further into a smaller world and now rarely leave the house, let alone the town or county - they havent been abroad since 2019 and have no intention of ever going more than 10 miles away, their health isnt amazing but DP was cycling until a couple of years ago amd only just stopped driving. DM uses a stick but when no-one is noticing I have seen her move around without one but any suggestion that it is a mental thing just sends her into a meltdown - she refuses to walk anywhere now apart from the odd trip to the shops and has lost friends by cancelling constantly because of it.

As their world has gotten smaller my life is opening up - after decades of a stressful job, kids etc I took redundancy and got a much less stressful job with more time off, My own DH isnt in brilliant health but steady ATM and we want to plan a big trip - 6 or 7 weeks or so visiting DSS in NZ and doing a round the world trip. When I mentioned it to DM she closed it down straight away and said - "we will have to see how we are". I have two siblings but I am the only one who drives and get roped in for most of the hospital appointments etc. There are GC but DM seees it as my responsibility i think... It made me just want to book a flight there and then. I am determined not to be guilt tripped into not going away - Europe is ok apparently but no further. I did a 6 week walk in spain sfter i got made redundant snd had the frosty treatment from DM for weeks.. i know its an age vulnerability thing but AIBU to just sod it and go???

Go

It doesn't have to! My 80 year old mother came to visit from abroad (15 hour flight) and took a couple of short breaks to London and to Paris ("given it could be the last time seems like a shame not to..."). She also works full time.

My 81 yo step father (they are no longer together) does 4-5 long haul trips for his work a year.

The only part you’re being unreasonable is that you haven’t booked it already .

Imagine they live another 10 years and by that point your own health is starting to fail and you can’t go on holidays anymore yourselves ! Putting them first is robbing you of your own enjoyment .

Go on the trip. Do not be put off, you need to live your life. I have spent years (in double figures) looking after folk and kept putting off going away (my choice) due to fear of something happening. Things can and will happen but I missed so much of my life waiting around for others and most of the time things were fine. I missed out on so much and I had no one else I help me. You’ve got people around, push them to cover, they can take taxis if needed, and go and enjoy yourself. They’re not just your responsibility and it’s unfair of them to put the guilt trip on you!

That would make me dig my heels in and go, how dare they

You must go lon your wonderful trip! Set your parents up with a taxi account, and then disappear for as long as you like.

I have seen a few people live to 100 or 90s
Their children helped to care for them
The parents died
Then the children died suddenly
So the children, did not get the long retirement that they had hoped for

Your parents are 2, so they currently have each other

Yes, elderly people's worlds diminish as they get older

I recommend that you book your holiday ASAP

Leave your parents various numbers including 111, family, friends

If either of them was seriously ill I'd possibly say cut the trip shorter but it sounds as though they are ok day to day and I don't think you should limit your life while you have the opportunity.

I would never want my kids to feel like I was holding them back like this, I think your parents are being quite selfish in their view point.

If you do book the trip OP, be prepared for a medical ‘emergency’ the day before you go

I came on to echo what this pp says. Of course you should go and of course your siblings should step up.

For the reasons above, I wouldn't over-emphasise the build-up to your leaving and I would engineer things to leave a couple of days before the date of your flights (extra nights in a vaguely located hotel with poor mobile reception), without spelling that out to anyone. Sounds over the top but it isn't.

A parents job is to set their children free - that doesn't stop when they are 80! There is other help available, if not by your siblings. You can offer to sort things before you go, make sure shopping delivered etc, other than that, go, enjoy very much! You say hunny isn't greatest of health either so you have to go now while you can too. It's going to be amazing! (In fact, I'd like to smuggle myself in your suitcase if I may!).

You should definitely go, it will be a lot harder for them and you in 5 years' time.

By the way the Elderly Parents board is full of good advice too.

Book your trip and get your siblings and any possible GC ready to step up.

They don’t need to drive, they can arrange taxis.

It might be good for your DP to realise they have a wider support network, and give them some confidence.

And this isn’t just a ‘for now’ issue wrt this trip: your DP are putting too much pressure on you to be their constant support.

And their needs can only increase as they age further. For the next 10 years.

So go.

The hard reality is, they need you more than you need them, unless there's an enormous inheritance at play. And this sounds like the point at which push has come to shove.

How are they off financially, can they afford to get taxis to appointments etc, or do they genuinely need you to ferry them around? If so, you could investigate local cab firms - or volunteer organisations that give lifts to elderly people, like Royal Voluntary Service and Age UK. They can take them shopping, out to lunch etc - or they'll drop you off at hospital, wait for you to come out and take you back.
I'm sure that would help with any guilty feelings, as you skip to your own cab to the airport!

On a more compassionate note, yes, I think people do get more fearful and self-limiting as they get older, because you lose confidence in your physical and mental ability to navigate the world. Sure, there are some hardy sea swimmers / marathon runners / world travellers / whatever in their 80s. They're usually pretty vocal about it. But from what I've seen, most people do get more anxious, grumpy and timid.

If you don’t go you are absolutely the de facto carer until they pass, and siblings will absolutely do nothing but turn up for the will reading. Good time to get them to actually step up and help care for their parents too.

i think the mixing up of exact dates and pre holiday hotel in genius!

I know exactly how you feel OP - my mum did the same to me. I'm an only child, but she did have friends and was well-cared for in a place she loved (far better than our home as she didn't hesitate to tell me!) If we were going outside the UK she would really kick off. We used to go for 1 - 2 weeks, she worked herself up into such a state once (we were in Italy for a long weekend) that she was taken to hospital where they could find nothing wrong.

Please book your trip - go and thoroughly enjoy it! Don't let your parents hold you back from a trip of a lifetime. It's unfortunate that they won't be nice about it and will try to guilt you but go for it is my advice and enjoy.

My mother has been the same, and it was Covid that did it for her too. She is 75. First it was her fear of getting covid and giving it to my father who has COPD, and then it was just her new normal. In 5 years her life has gone from her seeing friends, going on walks etc to nothing.

Barely leaves the house and usually only then to go to medical appointments or the bank. She is now showing signs of dementia and I am sure that it is connected with the fact that she doesnt do anything to keep her brain active! She lies on the sofa watching tv all day and is constantly saying she is tired, its the lethargy that comes from doing nothing. My father refuses to have such a small world and goes out quite often, I know he is fed up with hardly ever being able to go out and enjoy their retirement together like they used to.

She would hate it if I went a trip like that, although I am not sure she would lay on the guilt.

ETA re: using a stick.....she does that too! Quite happy around the house and in the garden but as soon as she needs to leave the house she takes a stick. I dont know why, I am sure it is not that she wants to put on a "doddery old lady" act but what it is about, I have no clue!

Give them plenty of notice. Tell siblings they are going to have to step up.
Get it booked!

Life is too short OP. Go go go!

'Think i am more sad how their own life has shrunk and never thought it would be like this.'

Tbf it is very common, ailments etc affect confidence so some older people retreat a bit, which is fine. As you've plenty of other family members to assist it should not matter if you go away.

Just talk to your siblings and tell them you'll be away on whichever dates so they'll need to step in.

I know how hard it is because I've been there, but I would leave them all the contact numbers they will need such as taxis and make sure they have your siblings numbers to hand. Inform your siblings you will be going away and they will need to make themselves available should your parents need them. Then go and enjoy the trip you and dh deserve. Easier said than done I know, especially as I was not very good at standing my ground with one of my parents. I think its time to be firm and let them know this IS happening and you will see them in X weeks

Of course you must go! How selfish of them.

This. Go on your trip and have a wonderful time. Your siblings will have to cope.

Of course you should go. It’s not your parents decision to make. They need to work out that you aren’t at their beck and call, you have your own life to lead and need to take the opportunities while you are fit enough to do it.

Yes, do go. It sounds as though your parents have become insecure since Covid, but it doesn't do anyone any good to cling to you. They can get to hospital appointments by taxi or hospital transport, using some some of the money they save not owning a car. Your siblings can be timetabled to visit them and phone. You can keep a diary of your travels and email it to them. Just be upbeat with them when they protest, show them how they can cope without you. Have a fantastic time and make memories!

Come on over to the elderly parents board, and drop in on the Cockroach Cafe which is a very long running support thread for exactly this kind of dilemma.

YANBU, yes it is common for the world to shrink for many people as they get old and vulnerable. As you seem to be at the start of the journey that many of us are on supporting elderly parents, I would strongly encourage you to ensure you are not the default solution for any problem your parents may have, or think they have.

Solidarity, it can be very hard when you have to be the parent to your parents for their own good.

Just book it @Suninthe

We only get one life and you & your husband deserve to enjoy this once in a lifetime style trip. It’s not up to your parents!