To not be guilted by elderly parents and go on a big trip

[Suninthe]

DP are nearly 80 and 87 - they have been wonderful parents, supportive and loving for my whole life. However since Covid they have retreated further and further into a smaller world and now rarely leave the house, let alone the town or county - they havent been abroad since 2019 and have no intention of ever going more than 10 miles away, their health isnt amazing but DP was cycling until a couple of years ago amd only just stopped driving. DM uses a stick but when no-one is noticing I have seen her move around without one but any suggestion that it is a mental thing just sends her into a meltdown - she refuses to walk anywhere now apart from the odd trip to the shops and has lost friends by cancelling constantly because of it.

As their world has gotten smaller my life is opening up - after decades of a stressful job, kids etc I took redundancy and got a much less stressful job with more time off, My own DH isnt in brilliant health but steady ATM and we want to plan a big trip - 6 or 7 weeks or so visiting DSS in NZ and doing a round the world trip. When I mentioned it to DM she closed it down straight away and said - "we will have to see how we are". I have two siblings but I am the only one who drives and get roped in for most of the hospital appointments etc. There are GC but DM seees it as my responsibility i think... It made me just want to book a flight there and then. I am determined not to be guilt tripped into not going away - Europe is ok apparently but no further. I did a 6 week walk in spain sfter i got made redundant snd had the frosty treatment from DM for weeks.. i know its an age vulnerability thing but AIBU to just sod it and go???

"we will have to see how we are".

they aren't invited

you go and leave the other 2 siblings to look after your parents

how dare they suggest you can't live your life as they need a taxi service

You should defintely go, have fun, make memories with your family and don't feel guilty.

One thing though @Suninthe you can be and the majority of mobility aid users (e.g 75% of wheelchair users) are ambultory users which means not always using them. Especially if you have a dynamic disability, chronic illnesses etc it flucates. So someone might not need a mobility aid all the time, depending on the severity of their symptoms that day and even during the day it may change.

Just like able bodied people might use their car to get somewhere, because their tired and it will be easier, but another time they may walk because they want to get some fresh air and steps in etc and they have more energy because they slept more.

Basically just because sometimes your mother doesn't need the walking stick doesn't mean that 1. she should just stop using it, encourage her to use it to get more independence, going out etc, she might find a mobility scooter or walking frame more useful for this. 2. That she doesn't need the walking stick sometimes and that it is all mental, telling herself she needs it means she won't do anything without it. Many people mask symptoms well etc, and if it helps she should use, she may just not need it all the time but it doesn't mean she never needs it. 3. maybe see if you can get a social worker or social prescriber to see them, help them get into local groups, go out more, also they may need mental health support, perhaps ask the GP surgery about this as loneliness in older people is common.
But enjoy your holiday it sounds like an amazing trip.

When I mentioned it to DM she closed it down straight away and said - "we will have to see how we are"

When I read this I wondered if you invited them, too. OP you must go, and I say that as someone with an elderly FIL next door. If you don’t go you are letting them shrink your world, too. What happens if in 6 months time you or your DH become too ill to travel? You should go, and do not feel guilty. Your mum should feel guilty for being manipulative.

I would say you should still go away even if you were an only child, but you have siblings who can help. Aging brings mobility issues and often that can affect confidence but you shouldn't feed their anxiety. If you don't go on your holiday, that reinforces the idea that they can't manage without you.

So get booking. Any objections help them work out a solution. "I have an appointment" = taxi + sibling. Shopping can be done online (from anywhere in the world). You can phone regularly while you're away.

You must go. It's not fair of them to expect you to reduce your life to their dictated boundaries. I'll bet you they didn't have this curtailment just when their lives opened up.

They can go to go to hospitals in taxis with your siblings.

They can apply for schemes like Dial a Ride or hospital transport, or just pay for a taxi.

And once you’re back, keep on telling siblings to do their bit.

Your siblings are just going to have to step up.

Presumably, as adults who can't drive, they have worked out how to negotiate the world without a car.

Your parents are ageing and vulnerable, but also selfish.

If it's at all possible, get your siblings to start helping out more straight away, so that it's not such a big issue when you go away. It will also signal to your mum and siblings that you are not solely responsible to sort out/do aged care for them.

Definitely do the trip, and sooner rather than later if your DH health is not the best. I would also have a think about scenarios that might come up with your parents while you are away, and discuss ahead with your DH how you want to respond (e.g. illness, accident or death). Getting top notch insurance will probably be worth it for peace of mind.

Have a wonderful trip!

As you get older and your health fails travelling becomes tiring and not always worth the effort. So yes, your world shrinks. Maybe you use a stick on the days you feel especially frail, even if you can sometimes manage without it, especially in the familiar environment of your home. Maybe you cant afford taxis or after a lifetime of caring for kids - and probably driving them everywhere - you feel a lift is not much to ask for.

You should still go on your trip while you are able to enjoy it - just dont be such a jerk about it.

Joining everyone else in saying that of course you must go, which you obviously know. You must not put your life on hold because of theirs. My mother is now 95 and living in a care home, and is still trying to guilt me about going away next month, claiming I've let her down as I won't be able to do her Christmas shopping (not true, I'll be back well before Christmas.

Put in place whatever you need to help them while you are away, and then go and enjoy.

80 and 87 and living on their own is good going.

Be aware with travel insurance that many say that if you cancel or try to cut a trip short because of the illness of a non- traveller; if they have a known condition it isn’t covered. With my MIL it was if she’d even been to the doctor about it in the last 12 months. She died a week before we were due to go away; cancellation not covered.

I read your OP twice because I thought first from your mother's response that you were inviting them with you. Of course you can go. Your parents don't get a say in it. They will manage for 6 weeks. This is your life, your one and only life, the person who decides what happens in it is you, not your parents.

Go. If they need more help get social services involved.

If they need transport to the hospital - they can get in touch with hospital transport.

Do not let anyone guilt you into not going. Your siblings need to help out more - if they need to accompany them to hospital appointments they can pay for a taxi

Are you the eldest by any chance? For some reason, elderly parents, especially mothers, seem to think that oldest daughters should be at their beck and call. I think you should go and enjoy yourselves. You can WhatsApp each day with photos and a brief synopsis of your doings that day and video call every few days. I would also arrange your holiday before telling your parents then present it as a fait accompli. When they protest, as they will, you can remind them each time about your siblings and the adult grandchildren. The break will do you both good. Hopefully, it will help your parents to realise that they can get help from different people, not just you. Your parents are in their eighties and their world is getting smaller and smaller. You are not but, if you don't go within the next couple of years, you will find that it is even less likely; that your own world will diminish as your parents become ever more dependent on you and you alone, and you will become resentful of your parents. The eighty year old could live for another twenty years, which would make you round about eighty yourself. Take the opportunity while you have it. Carpe Diem.

When I mentioned it to DM she closed it down straight away and said - "we will have to see how we are".

I think the problem with mentioning it is that it allowed her to feel that she / they have some kind of say in it. Instead of saying 'We might' maybe need to consider 'We are going'. And have a response planned to deal with her attempt to shut it down. 'We need...' or 'You'll have to ask James...' or 'I am one of your three children, someone else can take a turn.'

Why did you allow your mum to “shut it down”? You should have replied immediately with something like “I understand your concerns but it’s our choice to go away and you can’t dictate that we don’t. We will make sure other people can cover looking out for you while we’re away.”

Yeah, you’re a person in your own right, not their beck and call girl! What an outrageous response. FWIW I think you should go as soon as you can. Decent health isn’t to be taken for granted and I know several people who were “waiting until we both retire” and found that when that time came, one or both were too unwell to do the things. In one very sad case, both died before the age of 70. You cannot rely on good health. Enjoy the trip!!

Its BA sale. Book today!!

This - except deleting the final sentence, it isn't your responsibility to make sure other people can cover - it is theirs.

Its been really interesting reading these posts. Im guilty of unreasonsble frustration..particularly about the stick and ive given myself a mental slap for being judgy !! my dm mobility hss got worse mostly with age but also because she hasnt been active enough and i clearly project my frustration on her but i do love her and she hás been a wonderful mum and grandparent and i find the clinginess hard after so many years.. it is what it is.. yes need to put plans in place to support them.. me and dh sat and discussed it.. we'd come back in a heartbeat if we needed to but going to book it and broach it with lots of solutions.

In answer to questions three of my own grandparents died in their 70s after short illnesses apart from.one who lived to be 97 but lived with my auntie for 20 years and DP went on several big trips knowing he was safe at home being looked after can't recall any guilt on their part.. regarding siblings my psrents have always expected less and sipported them more... They are both financially insecure etc.. my resentment is sometimes being seen as the only driver. Only solvent one etc

Thsts useful to know is there any insurance which would cover it ??

You need to start to change the carer dynamic with your siblings. Why should it only be down to you? It sounds like they have greatly benefited from your parents.

It is so common in families that it falls onto only one sibling.

Go away, have the holiday of your lifetime and do NOT feel guilty.

Yes i know what you mean.. we pit ordelves in these roles.

Please don't put your life on hold for your DPs. If they were in ill health and didn't have much longer to live I would feel differently, but they are healthy and don't need you around every single day. I put my life on hold for my DM when I was young to almost middle aged. I let her guilt trip me into not following my heart and I regret it now. I wish I had established firm boundaries with her, but I was always the "softie" of her two children. And now I'm the one paying for it and wishing I had done things differently.