To not be guilted by elderly parents and go on a big trip

[Suninthe]

DP are nearly 80 and 87 - they have been wonderful parents, supportive and loving for my whole life. However since Covid they have retreated further and further into a smaller world and now rarely leave the house, let alone the town or county - they havent been abroad since 2019 and have no intention of ever going more than 10 miles away, their health isnt amazing but DP was cycling until a couple of years ago amd only just stopped driving. DM uses a stick but when no-one is noticing I have seen her move around without one but any suggestion that it is a mental thing just sends her into a meltdown - she refuses to walk anywhere now apart from the odd trip to the shops and has lost friends by cancelling constantly because of it.

As their world has gotten smaller my life is opening up - after decades of a stressful job, kids etc I took redundancy and got a much less stressful job with more time off, My own DH isnt in brilliant health but steady ATM and we want to plan a big trip - 6 or 7 weeks or so visiting DSS in NZ and doing a round the world trip. When I mentioned it to DM she closed it down straight away and said - "we will have to see how we are". I have two siblings but I am the only one who drives and get roped in for most of the hospital appointments etc. There are GC but DM seees it as my responsibility i think... It made me just want to book a flight there and then. I am determined not to be guilt tripped into not going away - Europe is ok apparently but no further. I did a 6 week walk in spain sfter i got made redundant snd had the frosty treatment from DM for weeks.. i know its an age vulnerability thing but AIBU to just sod it and go???

P.s the person saying you only have one mum.. well there,s only one you aswell and you must preserve your health,soul, wellbeing, you must go xx

Trisby10 you should read my message properly. I mean you only have one mum and forgive her remark.She feels vulnerable old people do .Have a heart. But it doesn’t mean that she shouldn’t live her live of course she should go and not feel guilty.

This! I used to work for a charity providing social activities for older people and it was shocking once COVID was over to see once confident active people shrunken and aged far beyond their years. The number who died not from COVID during and in the year after the pandemic was also much higher than in the years before.

Yes of course you should go. Your DM is being unfair and I would start getting her used to someone else helping them.

Did You frame it as a question because the way you phrase it reads like your DM thought she had a say in whether you and DH go? Point out your DH has health issues and wants to see his son. You have a responsibility to him too and your DM doesn’t call the shots. Just make it clear you will be asking siblings to step up but otherwise here are phone numbers for taxis.

Walking sticks are useful for balance as much as anything else. If you're feeling confident/ walking in a familiar place / aren't too tired you might decide not to use one.

Generally with walking aids if they're more of a hindrance than a help you'll stop using them. Having a walking stick dangling off your arm (loops to attach them to your wrist help for when you briefly need two hands but do need the stick) that you're not using much is annoying.

Carrying a folding stick can be useful as a visual signal that you might be slow/ need a seat.

Generally the advice from disabled people is to not gatekeep aids - if you think a walking stick might help, try one.

So coming round to suggesting your parents look at mobility scooters / outdoor wheelchairs. They would give them further comfortable independent travel range from the house so they could look at say activities for retired people in the local community centre or similar. Wheelchairs can be taken on buses more easily than scooters.

Tricycles are also worth a look if cycling is too hard for balance reasons.

With notice of your trip they can make alternative arrangements for themselves. They might be able to get support from say AgeUK locally. They can avoid 'difficult' things like having (potentially unscrupulous) tradespeople over to quote for expensive work while you're away, it's only six weeks.

That's really hard. I hope you switch off and have a restful time

If I were in your position I would go, though try not to make the trip longer than it needs to be. Sometimes parents may not see how selfish/dependent they are being, or be in denial about it.
Could you sugar the pill by perhaps offering to take them away for a weekend some other time? Maybe siblings could come too so that they could see how the load needs to be shared??
Meanwhile could be good to arrange visiting carers to help if parents can accept this.

Some of the tips have been great.. the dial a ride did some research and need to gently coax them. I actually dont mind doing the lifts but it's not good to completely rely on me and the refusal to learn technology is tricky.. they complain constantly about how digital everything is and won't use their smartphone at all.. apart from amazonfunniky enough..... I set up the nhs app for prescriptions but they asked me to put on my phone as it is "too much " and would rather go to a dodgy cashpoint and walk around with cash than use internet banking. My Mil has taken herself to a computer class and determined to learnstuff since becoming widowed. Mine waits for her GC to visit!!! I get the fear and hesitancy I really do but it's the stubbornness I find hard.

I would love to.. we have all tried but they won't go anywhere. One of the GC is at uni n a city where DM oldest friend lives.. who is in a wheelchair and can't travel. I've visited 10 times and ask her everytime. Its always a no..its just really sad. But I keep trying

OMG you are describing my life right now-with my mum.
For what it's worth I totally think you are entitled to your life as much as they were theirs at the time they felt able to travel/get out and about.
You are too young to limit your life to living like their 80+ lifestyle.
Sending you support and strength❤️

I think you should go.
For your peace of mind start now with alternative solutions to you being their go to. Dial a ride, food deliveries planned in advance etc.

WRT flights being changed, I found BA very helpful when my mum was unwell and I had to change my flight home.

Please go, and have a wonderful time.
My ancient mother, who died recently at a great age, would have encouraged me to go. And loved the postcards and stories about the trip after.
It's really not them, it's you.

We did exactly that when I retired, and it was difficult in the same way. We were looking after 5 aged parents, two with severe dementia. I did make contingency plans with my sons in case anything did go wrong, and it's as well to take social services emergency number with you just in case (I did need it once).
But do go, you could be waiting for years, it will only get harder.
I would say that you should encourage your mother to use her stick. A fall at her age can be a disaster. She needs to keep as steady as possible.

No, it doesn't. I'm 80 next year and have just come back from a strenuous 2,500 kilometre tour of the ancient sites of Turkey, with demanding amounts of walking, usually on uneven terrain and up & down steep slopes, every day. I wasn't the oldest person in the group. There were three others in their eighties. I needed to use a stick for balance on uneven ground & going downstairs/downhill and I (and a couple of others) was put to shame by a very sprightly 92year old who hopped up and down the steep hills like somebody fifty years younger. She'll be 93 in December and already has a trip booked for next year.
So, people make their choices. Your parents have made theirs.
You should definitely make yours and book that trip.

In 2007, when DH still alive, we went to NZ. We hired a camper-van. It was fab. The thing we agreed on was that instead of going for 6weeks, we should have booked for 8weeks. I suggest you book for 8 weeks and have a splendid time.

My parents are your age. They have no other relatives apart from me but they would NEVER tell me not to go on a holiday no matter how long.

Wow @MaddestGranny, your trip sounds amazing!

As you say, not everyone lets their life shrink as they get older. Equally, the OP should grab her opportunities now because we don’t know what the future holds. My Mum, for example, had an exciting life and traveled widely until she developed a chronic illness in her 40’s. So go for it @Suninthe, opportunities don’t always come around again.

One parent has just been sorted out with a care alarm through Age UK and another has just moved into a care home. We go off on a four week long haul trip next week to see our DC. Both ends of the family need us and we’re not 100% confident we won’t have to curtail our holiday, but we too are not getting any younger so we need to grab this opportunity now. Fortunately, we aren’t being guilt tripped. You have two siblings who can take on some caring duties in the short term at least.

Honestly, my DW to the designated ‘responsible person’ in her family.

Example - DGM wants to be taken shopping every Saturday. We live 2.5hours away. Online shopping will not do. DW obliges every week. We went on holiday and arranged DW’s sister (DSIL) to take DGM shopping on one Saturday. ‘DSIL has just ordered me an online shop to get me through for a few days until you can come down and take me.’ And when we say no she’s supposed to take you shopping she would say ‘DSIL is here to visit we’re not wasting that time going out shopping! I’ll see you when you get back.’

As an outsider I just wanted to my DW to tell them all to F off. She’s the one who is expected to do everything but she’s not even the favourite! Which is infuriating. I think there must be some psychology behind it as she bends over backwards for them, and they expect her to.

DGM and DGF died 3 years ago and my DW doesn’t regret all that she did for them. But she also doesn’t regret putting her foot down on some things now they’ve gone either. Like holidays etc,

You need to go, and when DM says well what about me? You say you have other children and you will have to use taxis while I’m away. You’ll be fine and close down any discussion

My mum is 89 she was still working as a psychotherapist until she got v ill last year now in 100% oxygen and has v much reduced her world.

my dad ( his funeral was yesterday) died at 98 and up until July was still walking 2 miles with no stick!

so I think your parents have aged themselves prematurely. 80 is really no age to shut yourself down.
we are now struggling with mum as her hearing is poor and her hearing aids are controlled by an app 😵‍💫😵‍💫
( mon dieu!)
the hearing thing really shuts them in their own world .

so go on your break . Give dates to your family to help .
type family phone numbers in big print give to your parents along with your dates .

if it makes you feel better get a good carers company in once a day ( my mum has 4 hrs a day) my mum’s private carers are amazing .

very best of luck . You could be in this situation another 19 years .

Along with the almost 2000 other voters (don’t forget there are always a couple who hit the wrong voting button and think they can’t change their vote), you would BU not to go! Why on earth would you need to be making contingencies to cut your trip short? You have two siblings in case of any emergencies. This could also do your parents the world of good: you have enabled them to become overly-reliant on you, imo. Go and have a ball 💐

As an oldie, nearly 90 yr old I would say, how lovely . My own late mother would guilt trip me on the odd weekend away, so I know the feeling

But please don't use the phrase, can't put your life on hold for them.
My only son passed away a few yrs ago. I only have my daughter in law left but she has already told me she " isn't putting her life on hold for anyone!"

I've not given her cause to think I would expect her too. I am fiercely independent, housebound but use the Internet for everything I need. But, those words cut me in 2..it spoiled my feelings towards her.

I hope you book your holiday and enjoy it. Assure Mum hospital transport or taxi will get her where she needs to be..then tell her all about it when you get back. Gradually retreating from the lifestyle they knew is natural progression, as we age.

Of course you MUST go, and that goes for any future trips or plans you have.

Life is short, they are being selfish because they are old and fearful. You could drop dead yourself tomorrow.

Go for it.

Get on and live your life . It’s not up to you to be a carer . My mum has also descended into a very small world and that’s her choice not mine . I want my world to be big and it will be .

Guilt tripping would have me packing my bags and being on my way. At their age, if they already rely heavily on you, you are going to need a long holiday whether it be now or later. Get that brochure, advice on where to lists and get gone. Have fun