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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD more that AIBU? He slapped me

204 replies

changingsonooneknows · 28/10/2025 07:32

I was in bed with my husband and 4 year old son this morning. We were all talking and joking (so all awake). My husband closed his eyes for a second and I put my finger on his nostril (not inside), just as a joke for my son. He reacted really really angry screaming and then he slapped my shoulder (it hurt but didn’t leave a mark), and then stormed out swearing. I’m in shock, what should I do? I know I was annoying him but that seems extreme? He has been tired recently but we were all very awake in the bed…

OP posts:
TheWonderhorse · 28/10/2025 07:35

He hit you, absolutely not okay. You need to leave lovely.

Has he ever reacted like that before?

Moonnstars · 28/10/2025 07:35

Give him time to cool off and then apologise. I would have been irritated too by that, any time not just in the morning and would also push someone away.
Hopefully he will also acknowledge that he shouldn't have sworn in front of your child.
Next time don't be so silly.

YodasHairyButt · 28/10/2025 07:36

What an appalling thing for your child to have to witness. Is this out of character? If so, a very serious discussion is needed and how he responds to that would factor in my decision on where to go next. If it’s not out of character, I’d be done.

TheWonderhorse · 28/10/2025 07:37

Moonnstars · 28/10/2025 07:35

Give him time to cool off and then apologise. I would have been irritated too by that, any time not just in the morning and would also push someone away.
Hopefully he will also acknowledge that he shouldn't have sworn in front of your child.
Next time don't be so silly.

Wow. He slapped her in response to a joke and you're blaming her?

JennyWrenSeven · 28/10/2025 07:37

Moonnstars · 28/10/2025 07:35

Give him time to cool off and then apologise. I would have been irritated too by that, any time not just in the morning and would also push someone away.
Hopefully he will also acknowledge that he shouldn't have sworn in front of your child.
Next time don't be so silly.

Apologise? Really? Only one person should be apologising and that’s NOT the OP!

Original poster
changingsonooneknows · 28/10/2025 07:38

Moonnstars · 28/10/2025 07:35

Give him time to cool off and then apologise. I would have been irritated too by that, any time not just in the morning and would also push someone away.
Hopefully he will also acknowledge that he shouldn't have sworn in front of your child.
Next time don't be so silly.

so he shouldn’t swear in front of my child, but slapping me is ok?

I agree I was being annoying but he does that kind of thing to me, to make our child laugh I guess…sometimes I might get annoyed but briefly, I would never slap, scream and storm off in temper.

OP posts:
Blahdiblahblahr · 28/10/2025 07:40

OP ignore that first response. He is in the wrong. You guys need a massive talk. In front of child. Totally out of line. He also needs to own it for your child and explain, man to man, that what he did was wrong and will never ever happen again.

If he fails to do these things I’d say it’s seriously bag packing time

Original poster
changingsonooneknows · 28/10/2025 07:40

I’m upstairs hiding out in the room, he is downstairs making breakfast for the kids. I don’t know what to do…I’m worried I go downstairs and the first thing he doesn’t do is apologise.

my other son came in after DH stormed off and asked what happened and my 4 year old said mama is sad because daddy slapped her

OP posts:
Renamedyetagain · 28/10/2025 07:41

You did a stupid thing. Not funny. Invasive, immature, annoying.

But he shouldn't have hit you, obviously.

Sounds like a shit relationship all round. Leave.

TheWonderhorse · 28/10/2025 07:43

changingsonooneknows · 28/10/2025 07:40

I’m upstairs hiding out in the room, he is downstairs making breakfast for the kids. I don’t know what to do…I’m worried I go downstairs and the first thing he doesn’t do is apologise.

my other son came in after DH stormed off and asked what happened and my 4 year old said mama is sad because daddy slapped her

If he blames you or tries to excuse it then please please leave immediately.

If you stay you're going to be worried about it happening again. You're going to behave differently and appease him. Please don't accept that as your future.

Eenameenadeeka · 28/10/2025 07:46

If he had his eyes closed, maybe it startled him a lot, and it was like a fight/flight response, if it was out of character? It's not okay to hit, but sticking your finger in his nose (or on his nostril) is pretty odd and might have been an instinctive reaction to something that made him jump?

AliceMaforethought · 28/10/2025 07:47

Eenameenadeeka · 28/10/2025 07:46

If he had his eyes closed, maybe it startled him a lot, and it was like a fight/flight response, if it was out of character? It's not okay to hit, but sticking your finger in his nose (or on his nostril) is pretty odd and might have been an instinctive reaction to something that made him jump?

I would agree with this if he hadn't then sworn and stormed off.

AliceMaforethought · 28/10/2025 07:49

changingsonooneknows · 28/10/2025 07:38

so he shouldn’t swear in front of my child, but slapping me is ok?

I agree I was being annoying but he does that kind of thing to me, to make our child laugh I guess…sometimes I might get annoyed but briefly, I would never slap, scream and storm off in temper.

Show quote history

I don't agree with that poster, but I do actually think that the swearing is worse than the slap: the slap might be more of an involuntary reaction, so if he had immediately apologised for it, and then calmly explained that you had given him a shock and not to touch his nose like that in future, I would say he hadn't been unreasonable. However, his actual behaviour was very far from that.

Moonnstars · 28/10/2025 07:50

changingsonooneknows · 28/10/2025 07:38

so he shouldn’t swear in front of my child, but slapping me is ok?

I agree I was being annoying but he does that kind of thing to me, to make our child laugh I guess…sometimes I might get annoyed but briefly, I would never slap, scream and storm off in temper.

Show quote history

We only have your version of the event. I am sorry if the slap was more, but I interpreted it as he slapped you in response to you poking him. A bit like how someone else has mentioned, a fight or flight response.

You have a a strange relationship doing things like this to make your child laugh, which as you have now sadly discovered aren't always funny to the other person.

Is your relationship usually like this?

BallerinaRadio · 28/10/2025 07:52

Eenameenadeeka · 28/10/2025 07:46

If he had his eyes closed, maybe it startled him a lot, and it was like a fight/flight response, if it was out of character? It's not okay to hit, but sticking your finger in his nose (or on his nostril) is pretty odd and might have been an instinctive reaction to something that made him jump?

Yeah this was my first thought.

Obviously it's an overreaction but you purposely did something to annoy him when he wasn't expecting it. That would have annoyed the shit out of me and too, especially if there's a lack of sleep in the household.

You both probably need to have a chat and a look at yourselves

TheWonderhorse · 28/10/2025 07:52

AliceMaforethought · 28/10/2025 07:49

I don't agree with that poster, but I do actually think that the swearing is worse than the slap: the slap might be more of an involuntary reaction, so if he had immediately apologised for it, and then calmly explained that you had given him a shock and not to touch his nose like that in future, I would say he hadn't been unreasonable. However, his actual behaviour was very far from that.

Show quote history

According to the OP he was swearing and screaming and then he slapped her. This was not a reflex bat the hand away, he was angry and he hit her.

TheWonderhorse · 28/10/2025 07:54

I swear to god, I'm so sorry for some of these responses OP. I hope you're okay.

HedwigEliza · 28/10/2025 07:54

His eyes were closed, and it was probably an instinctive reaction to someone messing around with his face - all the replies advising OP to leave him over this are frankly bizarre. What were you doing playing around with his face in the first place? You did something daft, he reacted instinctively. Both apologise and move on.

AbsentosaurusRex · 28/10/2025 07:55

He needs to apologise as soon as you go down for breakfast. And give you a big hug. Apologise to your son that he swore and say he’ll never do those things again. Ever.

If he is still in a mood / strop / angry / gives silent treatment when you go downstairs, it might be time to reconsider if you want to stay with him. Has he ever done anything similar or is this an isolated one off?

SparklyGlitterballs · 28/10/2025 07:55

The most he should have done is turn his head away or very lightly batted your hand away and said please don't do that. Screaming/shouting/swearing and slapping are all not ok and you need to speak to him (when you're both calm) apologise for your own behaviour and say his reaction was disproportionate and unacceptable, especially in front of your child. If he fails to apologise back, diminishes what he did, or gets angry, then you have much bigger problems

I'd also give some thought to how you amuse your son. Teaching him it's ok to irritate another person for a 'joke' is not modelling good behaviour.

Original poster
changingsonooneknows · 28/10/2025 07:57

He opened his eyes, roared and pulled the covers away, and then slapped me, swore and screamed and stormed out of the room slamming doors. I could hear him shouting the whole way down the stairs. So the slap wasn’t an instinct reaction, the slap happened after. I get that it was silly, but we do silly things like that to make our kids laugh. And it wasn’t like he was sleeping, we were all chatting etc and he leant back and had his eyes closed for about 2 seconds when I did it. I wouldn’t do it if he was actually drifting off or sleeping.

OP posts:
bigboykitty · 28/10/2025 07:58

AliceMaforethought · 28/10/2025 07:49

I don't agree with that poster, but I do actually think that the swearing is worse than the slap: the slap might be more of an involuntary reaction, so if he had immediately apologised for it, and then calmly explained that you had given him a shock and not to touch his nose like that in future, I would say he hadn't been unreasonable. However, his actual behaviour was very far from that.

Show quote history

Did you slap anyone recently, when you were shocked? Ludicrous to say that swearing is worse than slapping your partner.

FigAboutTheRules · 28/10/2025 07:58

Eenameenadeeka · 28/10/2025 07:46

If he had his eyes closed, maybe it startled him a lot, and it was like a fight/flight response, if it was out of character? It's not okay to hit, but sticking your finger in his nose (or on his nostril) is pretty odd and might have been an instinctive reaction to something that made him jump?

This is not how she described the sequence of events. She said he was screaming and then slapped her. OP, I agree with the poster who says he needs to sit down with all of you and apologise and explain to his sons exactly why what he did was wrong. This experience could impact significantly on them and how they view relationships. Anything short of that and I would leave. Sure, you shouldn't have put your finger on his nostril. I hate that sort of thing and I would move someone's hand away if they did that, but it doesn't change the fact that a husband just hit his wife and their young son witnessed it. What you said about how he does these kinds of annoying jokey things to you and you don't respond aggressively, but he can't take it back from you, says a lot about how he really sees you. I'm sorry, and I hope you can find the strength to confront this situation and not brush it off.

Superhansrantowindsor · 28/10/2025 07:59

The fact your gut has told you to ask for advice suggests you know deep down that this was really wrong. You shouldn’t be hiding away, you shouldn’t be worried around your dp.
Id leave. Next time your son might get in the way.

hididdlyho · 28/10/2025 08:00

Not ok. The fact he stormed off and didn't immediately recognise his behaviour was out of line and come back to apologise is a red flag. Presumably you don't swear and slap him when he messes around doing similar things to you. His response was massively disproportionate to you doing something mildly annoying.