WWYD more that AIBU? He slapped me

[changingsonooneknows]

I was in bed with my husband and 4 year old son this morning. We were all talking and joking (so all awake). My husband closed his eyes for a second and I put my finger on his nostril (not inside), just as a joke for my son. He reacted really really angry screaming and then he slapped my shoulder (it hurt but didn’t leave a mark), and then stormed out swearing. I’m in shock, what should I do? I know I was annoying him but that seems extreme? He has been tired recently but we were all very awake in the bed…

The first time someone hits you is the hardest... for them. They don't know how you will react. After that it gets easier and easier for them to do it.

I think you know what you want to and need to do. Sending lots of strength your way.

He's apologising to the children for upsetting them, but not mentioning the fact that he assaulted their mother.
He is showing his boys that women are subordinates who can be chastised on a whim by a man and the man doesn't even have to apologize or acknowledge what he's done.

Perhaps it is you that has some difficulty with my response. "OTT" isn't the problem here, nor is instinctive reflex. It is violence.

Where's the eye roll emoji when you need it?!

They both sound immature. This was a silly game where someone got hurt. As I said several times since, if this is something that has happened before and he has become angry at other times, then yes, people are fair in commenting about abuse, but since the OP has not returned there is every possibility they are one as bad as the other and the reverse has happened on other occasions where their jokes on each other have not been funny.

I think it is worth noting the comment from someone else about what if the child had done this. Playing jokes on each other is not setting a good example. The OP has mentioned the partner is tired lately, so maybe more snappy.
Would you really want to play a prank on someone knowing they haven't been on top form lately? Also as others have said, if you are walking in eggshells you do everything to avoid conflict. You don't poke the bear (or husband) in this case. Surely if this was an ongoing fear and OP genuinely is scared of her husband then she would be doing all she can go maintain calm, not get into situations that could trigger him. That is what people are ignoring.

OP has returned many times which you have clearly missed. If she doesn't respond anymore, I don't blame her given the amount of posters saying she good as deseved it. She said that the husband apologized to the kids for striking mum in front of them, but is avoiding saying anything to her. It is manipulation of the kids, and abuse.

And no, the two are not equally as bad as each other. If there is an eye roll emoji required, it would be for your response.

Yes she returned to say she was walking on eggshells which again makes me wonder why you would pull a prank on someone who makes you feel this way, knowing it could trigger them into such a response.
She has not returned since and answered any question where people have asked if this is typical behaviour for him or a one off. Everyone is leaping onto LTB yet no one knows the extent of this and whether he comment of he apologised only to the children was as she realised myself (and others) pointed out that what she did was silly.

There was a thread a while ago that was similar where both partners did things to wind the other up - supposedly jokes - and that also had the possibility of DV, but for them both as she had also been violent to him.

So you think she needs to get better at walking on eggshells, so he doesn't hit her?

Pulling a prank does not invite violence. Everything else is just extraneous fluff. I am amazed at all the long drawn out, desperate spins and attempts made by some posters to insist that the OP deserved to be hit. Silly or not, violence is violence, and there is no equivalence here. Those who seem to think a touch on the nose invited yelling, screaming, hitting in front of children, and stomping off, are defending abuse.

I am not saying LTB or passing judgement on their relationship. Based on what OP has said, this situation is abuse. Talking about hypothetics and bringing in other threads is of no value.

you might have a point if you had the timeline correct but you are intentionally misunderstanding how this occurred

1-OP touches H's nostril
2-H reacts by shouting & swearing
3-H then slaps OPs shoulder
4-H now rages downstairs shouting & cursing more

5-H realizes he's overreacted w/unnecessary violence and decides the best thing to do is gloss it over by making toast and muttering to the child that daddy wasn't nice but mommy is a bitch so let's all drop this so daddy can go to work and we'll forget this ever happened bc we're not really going to address it.

Its scary how many on this thread have decided to warp OPs narration to fit their belief that it was okay for her H to slap her, even to the point of repeatedly changing the timeline of events and saying things like 'well we only know what OP says' implying she's lying. 🙄

Does he have an ADHD or autism diagnosis?

I presume that if he did and it manifested itself as such that he slapped people then OP would have mentioned it.

It would still raise questions though e.g. "My DH has autism which sometimes means he hits people, how should I manage this?". I am by no means an expert but I thought people with autism were more likely to hit themselves (or display other self harming behaviour).

This thread is awful. Deeply awful.

How many people have exaggerated what OP did? The OP explained what she did, explicitly not putting her fingers in his nose.

How many people have assumed that the slap was instinctive when the OP says clearly that he shouted and threw the covers off before hitting her. He did not hit her hand away and it wasn't a reflex.

How many people have told OP to grow up, stop being silly etc, when she was literally hiding in a room having been hit by her husband? She had explained they play and tease each other like that.

What's the matter with you?

I agree she doesn't deserve to be hit, but we have no real idea what the slap was like. He was angry, shouted/swore and then batted her away before stomping off.
As others I think it depends on personal circumstances how all this is interpreted, so for some on here like yourself maybe your experience of this situation is that it was a purposeful threatening harmful slap..mine is that he was irritated and angry and in the heat gave a slap to push her away/prevent further physical contact and then stormed off to cool down.

Anyway as none of us where there or knows the dynamics of their relationship we can only speculate and hope they have now resolved it with him apologising for his outburst and her agreeing to stop the pranks.

And another one ...

You mean HIM to apologise don’t you?

Why on earth did he react like this? I would certainly let the air clear first but would be expecting him to come to me and explain / apologise.

I’m not excusing him or blaiming her.

However I think they are both idiots for their actions.

Doesn’t mean ones not worse than the other. But one was caused by the other.

None of us know anything about any thread other than what OP says. From what she has said here he did not "bat" her away. Those are your words not hers. Your words purposefully minimizing her words. None of them were asleep, they were all on the bed playing. He knew who was next to him, his wife and child. Someone touched his nose, he opened his eyes, shouted, kicked away the covers, and THEN slapped her. Not batted, slapped. That is deliberate. If you need to know the entire dynamics of any relationship on MN to comment, and would rather comment on things that are not said that what is explicitly stated, then what's the point in commenting? We could make up all kinds of scenarios.

I'm not condoning her husband's behavior in anyway but what joke involves sticking her finger by his nostril?

One is caused by the other is an excuse. There is no equivalence. It really is alarming the number of people saying that shouting abuse and slapping your spouse for touching them are simply them both being idiots. I wonder what that says about these people. A step away from short skirts and low cut tops caused whatever abuse that followed and both are at fault. I thought we had evolved past that kind of thinking. Clearly not.

First sentence: I'm not blaming her. Final sentence: but one was caused by the other.
That is blaming the OP. That is blaming the victim. Her prodding her husband's nose does not excuse him slapping her shoulder. They are idiots for the messing around. He is an abuser for the slap.

"Doesn’t mean ones not worse than the other. But one was caused by the other."

So...if one of the DCs had momentarily thought it amusing to poke daddy, or even had accidentally failed an arm, and touched his nose, and he then shouted at, and slapped the child...are we saying that the child caused him (almost inevitably?) to slap them, too?

We're all taught from a very early age, that hitting, in response to something we don't like, is not acceptable behaviour - if he really couldn't control a tendency to instinctively lash out if startled, let's face it, he's not safe to be near his children. But I suspect he'd argue that he'd never hit them, this was somehow different.

So you've never playfully touched someone? I remember my relatives playing 'got your nose' with me when I was around 4. They'd touch my nose and stick their thumb between their fingers to 'make a nose'.

And when he next slaps her, as an ‘involuntary response’ or out of surprise or fight/flight…. What should she do then?

What does she tell the school when the children talk about it and tell their teacher that ‘daddy slapped mummy’. It’s a safe guarding concern and should be acted on accordingly.

He’s shown you @changingsonooneknowsVERY CLEARLY who he is and what he’s capable of. He’s shown your DC that HE HITS MUMMY. You know this and loads of us are confirming this. You don’t need anyone’s permission to draw the line here and end the relationship.

Hit, slap, punch, push, thump, bump, shove, strangle. They’re all the same to the police and they’re all domestic abuse. He’s an abuser. Forgive him this time and what comes next? Might be next week, next year or not for decades, but there’ll be a next time.

Those of you victim blaming, downplaying and condoning his behaviour need to take a long, hard look at how you treat others and how you get treated. Some of you will be abusers yourself, and some won’t realise you’re being abused.

Yes, obviously, that’s exactly what I’m saying 🙄 What a ridiculous strawman. Do you often extrapolate wildly from what people actually say?