WWYD more that AIBU? He slapped me

[changingsonooneknows]

I was in bed with my husband and 4 year old son this morning. We were all talking and joking (so all awake). My husband closed his eyes for a second and I put my finger on his nostril (not inside), just as a joke for my son. He reacted really really angry screaming and then he slapped my shoulder (it hurt but didn’t leave a mark), and then stormed out swearing. I’m in shock, what should I do? I know I was annoying him but that seems extreme? He has been tired recently but we were all very awake in the bed…

You understand the term victim blaming, right?

That’s not a strawman argument, perhaps understand term before you throw them about 😉

OP I hope you are ok. I don’t blame you if you don’t return to this thread, some of these responses are awful.

You don’t deserve to be hit. Please keep telling yourself that. Do you have somewhere you can go to with the kids if you need to get out quickly?

It is. Why bother replying to posters if only to entirely misrepresent what they actually said?

Thank you so everyone who responded. I put this in AIBU so I should have expected the comments I got, I’m not new to Mumsnet. To clarify - yes I was being silly and playful. In our family we often ‘boop’ each others’ noses and say boop. My youngest son used to say that booping is like saying I love you and would touch my nose and say boop softly. My husband had been awake and talking etc, he lay back and had just closed his eyes when I touched his nose. It was the side of his nose rather than the tip (hence why I said near his nostril). I wanted to make sure no one thought I would put my finger up his nose, but clearly that message didn’t come across. I did not put my finger up his nose, nor did I obstruct his breathing in any way. I simply booped his nose. He roared and pulled the covers away and then lent over so he could slap me, he got me on the shoulder. It was hard but not so hard to leave a mark, but I could feel it for the next 5 minutes (if that makes sense). It wasn’t a reflex.

i wasn’t hiding in my bedroom because i wanted to sulk or act dramatic, i was shocked and didn’t want to be with him in that moment.

DH has since sat down and apologised. He said that he completely takes it on board that it is his fault and I am not to blame at all. He understands that I did a very small annoying thing, but that doesn’t matter as he over reacted big time. I told him that I have been walking on eggshells and I almost haven’t realised it until today. I can’t behave how we normally would because he is tense and on edge. He explained work and extended family stuff have been getting to him, and he needs to be better at not bringing that stuff home.

So for now it is resolved but I promised myself that if anything like this happens again then I will not be hanging around for part 3.

I believe his apology and I don’t think it will happen again so I am comfortable and safe, as are my kids.

Thank you so much to those of you who asked if I’m ok, and to those of you who didn’t read into my comments to find a way to blame me. I have tried to be as honest as I can be.

To Those of you who tried to twist my words or make me out to be a childish loser who needs to grow up, please do not comment on posts like these in the future. If someone is posting on here it is probably because they feel desperate in that moment. They want to find any reason not to leave their abuser as they probably love him. You posting rationale for the man’s behaviour and pushing the blame to her reinforces her need to stay.

I really wish you well OP.

But be very wary and perhaps email to yourself what has occurred so you have a date stamp record of his assault of you and that you have told him that you are walking on eggshells, his apology and acceptance that he.

This relationship is now abusive and you have been assaulted by him.
His apology doesn't change that.
He has crossed a line and you havd rightly told him.

You need to protect yourself and your children.
They may tell someone what has happened.
No matter how hard work or family stresses are, you are not his punching bag to be assaulted to let off steam.

I still think you should have this noted by your GP.

I'm glad to hear you feel you and the DC are safe, and also that he's realised his reaction was miles over the top.

Let's hope this was a one-off - but he possibly needs some help with anger or dealing with stress, as although life stresses are inevitable and can be severe, they need to be dealt with in a much healthier way than this.

If this is entirely out of character, now that he has apologised, I’d be having a sit down talk with him about what’s going on in his life right now. If you’ve been on eggshells since the start, there’s a different conversation to be had.

Well done!

Now he needs to be dealing with whatever lies beneath his behaviour. Make that a requirement, a condition of the relationship.

And watch him like a hawk. Any signs of a repeat of the behaviour or an escalation or transmitting itself to the children - stay strong and document everything.

its fucking disgusting the way you've decided to call OP a liar and twist this. Are you a man who hits women by chance? That's the only explanation I can think of for your horrible posts here and the way you've latched on to this thread to return over and over with your victim blaming bullshit.

"it's just a prank bro"...

Insist that he completes an anger management course and takes the whole swearing and hitting outburst seriously.
Involve professional help.

If it happens again, leave.

Who on earth are all these strange people who would have a ‘fight or flight’ reaction if anyone touched their nostril? Seriously?

OP, violence & deliberate intimidation (swearing, storming out) followed by passive aggression (staying downstairs, laughing) are all wrong. I’m glad he has apologised but you need to be very alert to violent & intimidating behaviour in future.

If you feel on eggshells more generally, this means this is part of a wider pattern of intimidation & he needs to be on his way out. Violence & creating an intimidating ‘eggshell’ atmosphere are inexcusable.

MN is full of male apologists for the worst of male abuse and violence.
No surprise at all that a man's assault of his wife in front of his child would be the OP's fault.

What a load of rubbish!! Domestically abusive men can’t be fixed by doing a course!!! Advice should always be to leave or get them removed by the police for safety!!!

Does he slap his workmates or his dad or the bloke down the pub when he feels tense and on edge? No, thought not.

This is ridiculous advice.

I knew it wouldn't be long before someone came up with this!

I'm AuDHD. I would HATE it if someone touched my face as I was falling asleep and I would probably yell "get off" or "what the fuck" and likely I would leap out of bed, because my instinct would be to get away from that. I would certainly tell whoever did it never to do so again. But I have never fucking hit anybody.

I can see how someone might lash out IN THE MOMENT - slap someone's hand away, for example - as a reflex. But that is not what has happened here. In no way would an ADHD diagnosis or an autism diagnosis or both excuse the husband's behaviour in this scenario.

DH and I are both autistic and because of that if anything we are more respectful of bodily autonomy and boundaries. We certainly don't invade each other's personal space and poke each other's bodies to amuse our children, and we would not want to send the message to our DC that it's ok for them to do it. Not because anybody would hit them, or at least certainly not at home, but because it is important children know we do not mess with other people's bodies without consent!

If they are to draw a line under this and move on, after a very sincere apology from the DH, then that kind of silly pranking behaviour by both the OP and her DH certainly needs to stop, it is piss poor form to be modelling to children that it is funny to poke people's body parts for their own or others' amusement.

@CrazyGoatLady OP didn't "poke" anything or "messing about" with people's bodies.. She touched her husband's nose. He wasn't sleeping, nor falling asleep. They were all talking. Posters who keep wilfully changing the terms to describe what OP did, are showing a piss poor tendency to keep blaming the woman, while still trying to look as if they aren't. In my opinion, it's even more piss poor form to teach your children that even your spouse can't touch you, even affectionately, without hitting them. And what silliness OP and her husband may have within their marriage is up to them to figure out. Hitting under any circumstances is the problem, not the silliness.

I have done a few things over the years - well decades - that sometimes annoyed my husband. I struggle to recall more than two or three but I freely admit I was in the wrong on those occasions. My husband's first impulse was not to hit me hard - he talked to me about why he found the incident upsetting and I felt small and uncomfortable but I learned from it. I would find it very hard though in OP's situation to forgive being hit by my husband. Incidentally, my husband is on the ASD spectrum and I have ADHD and neither is ever an excuse to batter a smaller person.

I have been very clear that the hitting was wrong and if you didn't take that from my post you have read it incorrectly. There is no excuse for the DH's response. None.

Quite a lot of people on this thread also think that booping someone's nose or whatever silly thing it was when they are exhausted and trying to chill/fall asleep because it's funny for a child is something they'd find annoying, invasive or startling. I am one of those people who would really dislike this if I'd closed my eyes and was touched on the face when not expecting it.

Therefore it is not rocket science to suggest that it is a bad idea for a couple who are sleep deprived and tetchy to refrain from doing this sort of thing to one another, or implicitly teaching their kids it's ok to do it. That opinion can exist alongside the opinion that nothing at all excuses hitting your partner. They are not mutually exclusive.

You assaulted him. Why on earth did you even touch his nostril

@EasternEcho also, for me personally, I decide what feels like "affectionate touch" from others, even my spouse, and if a type of touch feels not affectionate but annoying or uncomfortable I expect them to respect that. Just because I'm married to DH it doesn't mean he gets to touch me wherever and whenever he likes! But as a grown adult, I use my words, as OP's DH should have done.

OP's DH has already admitted that he was totally in the wrong and has given OP a sincere apology. OP has said:

'To clarify - yes I was being silly and playful. In our family we often ‘boop’ each others’ noses and say boop. My youngest son used to say that booping is like saying I love you and would touch my nose and say boop softly. My husband had been awake and talking etc, he lay back and had just closed his eyes when I touched his nose. It was the side of his nose rather than the tip (hence why I said near his nostril). I wanted to make sure no one thought I would put my finger up his nose, but clearly that message didn’t come across. I did not put my finger up his nose, nor did I obstruct his breathing in any way. I simply booped his nose.'

I understood your response well. What I stated was that even though it might not be ok in your marriage, it is not your place, or ours to categorically state that OP must stop "silliness" in hers. That is not the issue at all. Subtly, that kind of response indicates that the touching is a cause for the hitting. If the husband does not like it, it is his place to tell her so. He never has in the past, and if things have changed, he should inform her. As for children taking the message that a husband and wife touching each other on the nose for fun is somehow a lesson in promoting violation of bodily autonomy, that is a bit far fetched.