WWYD more that AIBU? He slapped me

[changingsonooneknows]

I was in bed with my husband and 4 year old son this morning. We were all talking and joking (so all awake). My husband closed his eyes for a second and I put my finger on his nostril (not inside), just as a joke for my son. He reacted really really angry screaming and then he slapped my shoulder (it hurt but didn’t leave a mark), and then stormed out swearing. I’m in shock, what should I do? I know I was annoying him but that seems extreme? He has been tired recently but we were all very awake in the bed…

Yes Miss Jones. We were playing about and my mum was a bit silly with prodding my dads nose. It was funny. But he was angry at her. So then he slapped her and shouted and stormed off! My mum was sad. But then my dad made us breakfast and said sorry to me and my brother. He didn’t say sorry to my mum though and she was still really quiet and sad. Well that was the first morning of half term! Miss what did you do?

The being already on egg shells and his behaviour this morning do confirm that he’s abusive and not just reacting in panic.

Reading between the lines, this is the tip of the iceberg isn't it? You shouldn't be walking on eggshells, it indicates that you have to be wary of him. I remember the feeling well. You need to end this relationship, it will only get worse. Please don't subject yourself or your children to continued abuse. There is help available on next steps.

Is the feeling in your gut that this was so out of character that it’s definitely just a huge overreaction, or is it making you think about other things you’ve noticed or worry about?

Seriously?? You think SHE should apologise for provoking him into hitting her? You're basically condoning DV.
What an irresponsible and ignorant post.

My husband is very reactive when he has just started to fall asleep. If I get up or try to talk to him not knowing he is asleep he becomes very startled and confused. He has never actually slapped me but then again I have not ever put my finger over his nostril.

Do you feel better now you've made up this nonsense?

It's only going to get worse OP. I'm so sorry.

If you're already modifying what you do to stop him blowing up then that's absolutely not ok. And he's just going to keep pushing and pushing. You're never ever going to be in a position where you've changed onto the person he wants you to be. (nor should you be!) I know it's easy to think 'oh, I just won't do xyz and it'll all be fine, he'll be happy. But he won't. He'll just add a, then b, then c. Next thing you know it's the whole fucking alphabet and he's still slamming doors and shouting.

@changingsonooneknows ask him to leave. You need space to get your head in order and decide if you are going to be this man's punching bag.

Let's be real. Once he crosses that boundary, he can't go back. Genie out of the bottle stuff. He WILL hit you again because now he knows he can without consequences.

If he refuses to leave, dial 101 and report the assault.

The ONLY acceptable abuse is none at all.

Ok hefty, back to your mums basement eh?

Were you there?
None of us know the extent of the slap. None of us know whether it was after he had got up and as a after thought, or whether it was an instinctive slap to someone poking him.
OP has not answered anyone who has asked if it has happened before and whether this is typical.
Like many posts on MN there could be multiple possibilities of what really happened, and anyone posting is going to post wanting to make it look like they are right.

In what way is it nonsense or different to what a good half of posters are saying?

I’m just telling you how I’d feel about the exact scenario the OP has posted.

I have also reacted to her updates by saying with the egg shells and later behaviour from him it shows he’s abusive. However, there’s nothing wrong with commenting that the OP’s behaviour could cause a strong reaction in many people.

I think some posters feel that if they use silly language like you have that it somehow makes a point. It doesn’t.

He wasn't slapping/pushing the OP's hand away as a reflex reaction to being touched unexpectedly. He shouted and swore at her initially and then slapped her on the shoulder and stormed off continuing to swear. Yet some posters think the OP is the one in the wrong?!

OP made it very clear that she didn't stick her finger up his nose. The slap also wasn't an instinctive reaction to get her to remove her finger. He started screaming at her and then slapped her.

OP was irritating and annoying but has said that he has done similar annoying things to her so she didn't know that he would react in this violent way.

It's a massive overreaction especially on the context of already laughing and joking around with your child. It's absolutely unacceptable and I wouldn't be able to just accept an apology and that's it. I wouldn't be surprised to learn he's a bit of a dick all round.

All of us know that none of that matters and 'she made me do it' doesn't justify lifting your hands to your partner.

Rather silly joke to perform as an adult.
I agree with the PP.
Let the husband apologize, before anyone leaves with a small child.
My husband is totally different, however, it wouldn't cross my mind to do anything like that for a joke, even when I was a kid myself.

She was also clear that she does these things regularly. It must be like being married to a 2 year old. I'd have snapped too.

How would he have reacted if it had been your son that put his finger on his nostril and not you? In fact as his eyes were closed how did he know it was you and not him? Would he still have shouted, sworn and slapped at your ds?

This feels like maybe he is testing the waters for what levels of aggression you will accept and he will over time work up to more. Has he ever pushed you before or blocked your path or hit walls?

I think the poster meant for the HUSBAND to cool off and apologize.
Otherwise, poster seems to be very much down to earth.

Not at all. They BOTH were abusive, they both should apologise and move on - or move out should that be the outcome.

Yeah, the OP is obviously terrified of him: that’s why she stuck her finger up his nose.

He has assaulted you.
In front of his child.
Your children now know this.
You already walk on eggshells?

Talk to your GP and have it noted by them.
Speak to Women's aid for advice.

I think this changes everything permanently, but I understand you need time to think and plan.

Text someone you trust that this has happened so you have a record.

Can you tell your family?

‘My husband closed his eyes for a second and I put my finger on his nostril (not inside), just as a joke for my son’

Comprehension not your strong point?