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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WWYD more that AIBU? He slapped me

204 replies

changingsonooneknows · 28/10/2025 07:32

I was in bed with my husband and 4 year old son this morning. We were all talking and joking (so all awake). My husband closed his eyes for a second and I put my finger on his nostril (not inside), just as a joke for my son. He reacted really really angry screaming and then he slapped my shoulder (it hurt but didn’t leave a mark), and then stormed out swearing. I’m in shock, what should I do? I know I was annoying him but that seems extreme? He has been tired recently but we were all very awake in the bed…

OP posts:
Duckyfondant · 28/10/2025 09:59

The slapping is an instinct and the shouting after the fact is because he's cross at you for triggering it. I have a similarly strong startle reflex but I wouldn't spend time with anyone who has so little respect for consent! You both need to explain to your child what you each did wrong.

EasternEcho · 28/10/2025 10:00

Duckyfondant · 28/10/2025 09:59

The slapping is an instinct and the shouting after the fact is because he's cross at you for triggering it. I have a similarly strong startle reflex but I wouldn't spend time with anyone who has so little respect for consent! You both need to explain to your child what you each did wrong.

You got the sequence wrong. The shouting and screaming came first, then the hitting. Not instinctive.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/10/2025 10:02

Duckyfondant · 28/10/2025 09:59

The slapping is an instinct and the shouting after the fact is because he's cross at you for triggering it. I have a similarly strong startle reflex but I wouldn't spend time with anyone who has so little respect for consent! You both need to explain to your child what you each did wrong.

You see this is how I feel but apparently we’re all abusers for having a strong startle reflex.

Having had two younger brothers who would consider the sight of me sitting “at ease” as an irresistible temptation to poke or prod me in some way, and a mother who thought this was hilarious, means even reading about this is a bit triggering.

But even to me it seems that the husband’s reaction was OTT.

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 28/10/2025 10:03

he reacted to something you did to him, he slapped you on the shoulder, I would have had the same reaction if it had been DH, I hate anything like that or people touching my face

Not a funny thing to do especially if someone is relaxing, eyes closed.

EasternEcho · 28/10/2025 10:04

I also wonder if all these posters who say it's all about startle reflex (which it wasn't) will still say it's ok to hit out instinctively for a finger on the nose by the child instead of the mother. Do all of us with strong startle reflexes get up and smack our kids for a hand on our face?

Espressosummer · 28/10/2025 10:06

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 28/10/2025 10:03

he reacted to something you did to him, he slapped you on the shoulder, I would have had the same reaction if it had been DH, I hate anything like that or people touching my face

Not a funny thing to do especially if someone is relaxing, eyes closed.

He does similar things to the OP so clearly he does find it funny. The slapping wasn't a reflex, he yelled, pulled the covers off and then slapped her. If you would have the same reaction then you are an abuser.

usedtobeaylis · 28/10/2025 10:10

A other day, another fucking mental Mumsnet thread blaming a woman for her husband assaulting her.

yorktown · 28/10/2025 10:12

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 28/10/2025 10:03

he reacted to something you did to him, he slapped you on the shoulder, I would have had the same reaction if it had been DH, I hate anything like that or people touching my face

Not a funny thing to do especially if someone is relaxing, eyes closed.

And if it was your child?

AmpleSwan · 28/10/2025 10:20

Please ignore the people saying you deserved this response for touching his nose. You have said that that is something you both do to each other so clearly there is a reasonable expectation within your relationship that that kind of things is fun and teasing and not 'intrusive and abusive' (Jesus Christ). He has suddenly flipped the rules of engagement in your relationship by reacting violently to what has previously been a totally acceptable interaction and the handmaidens on here are trying to make that your fault.

5128gap · 28/10/2025 10:23

Moonnstars · 28/10/2025 07:35

Give him time to cool off and then apologise. I would have been irritated too by that, any time not just in the morning and would also push someone away.
Hopefully he will also acknowledge that he shouldn't have sworn in front of your child.
Next time don't be so silly.

Couldn't disagree more with this. "I'm sorry I made you hit me"? Really??

JFDIYOLO · 28/10/2025 10:27

Several things happening here.

First, having something stuck into your body unexpectedly, without your permission, can be a shock, triggering fight or flight. A deep survival instinct that has no intellectual or higher element other than an instant reaction. The hit was probably an automatic part of that.

Don't do it again.

Second, a man can do a hell of a lot more damage with a hit than a woman or child can. Men have a duty to be aware of their potential for harm and control themselves, in general.

It looks like he failed there.

Third, he doubly failed when he didn't immediately stamp down his animal reaction and apologise for hurting you, for doing it in front of your child and frightening you both. That hit could easily have landed on your child.

Fourth, choosing to stamp out swearing instead was a triple fail. Not the behaviour of an adult, a decent husband and father.

Not sure of the timelines, but don't sit there stewing and sulking. Don't say to yourself 'if he doesn't apologise I'll ...'

Take control.

Firstly of yourself. Do you need any treatment for the hit? Keep an eye - if it bruises, take photographs. Keep a journal of date, time, incident. Is this the first and only time? Really?

Do whatever you need to calm and control your feelings, breathing, voice, language, body language.

And look to your children. They'll be frightened and shaken and need you.

And then take control of the situation. Take it into your hands, go to him and calmly say 'I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that, I understand it was a shock and you reacted, and I won't do it again.'

(Some will criticise this, but imagine if it had been the other way round, you'd hit him in reaction - and he apologised to you. That could open the conversation rather than shut it down).

'However, what you then chose to do hurt me and frightened me and the children.

We do need to have a conversation about that, about what happened in front of the children, and how we're going to put that right and make sure it never happens again.'

What he then says and does will then drive what you do next.

Just don't sulk, tiptoe or hope. Your children need to see you dealing with this. Do you have family and friends you can confide in?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/10/2025 10:29

EasternEcho · 28/10/2025 10:04

I also wonder if all these posters who say it's all about startle reflex (which it wasn't) will still say it's ok to hit out instinctively for a finger on the nose by the child instead of the mother. Do all of us with strong startle reflexes get up and smack our kids for a hand on our face?

Edited

Honestly? It’s a fear I have! That I will react to an action like that from a child.

But equally my children have both been able to understand from quite a young age that I dislike being poked, prodded or startled, and they don’t do it. They’re 17 and 11 now and they’re nice considerate people.

AT THE SAME TIME I agree with everyone saying that the OP’s husband’s reaction is OTT for a startle reaction and it’s not something I would recognise as what my reaction would be.

Edit - I did nearly blind my middle brother once when he went to tickle my feet (which they both know I particularly hate) by instinctively kicking out - he already had an eye injury, but I’d argue it was his own fault!

5128gap · 28/10/2025 10:31

usedtobeaylis · 28/10/2025 10:10

A other day, another fucking mental Mumsnet thread blaming a woman for her husband assaulting her.

I'm really hoping these comments are coming from the usual MRA types rather than women who may have this as the bar in their own relationships and may be raising sons with this outlook. The attitude that any behaviour that causes a man any displeasure or discomfort means he is justified in using his greater physical power to hurt and intimidate a woman and frighten a child creates an even more threatening and dangerous world for women and children than the one we live in already.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 28/10/2025 10:32

changingsonooneknows · 28/10/2025 07:57

He opened his eyes, roared and pulled the covers away, and then slapped me, swore and screamed and stormed out of the room slamming doors. I could hear him shouting the whole way down the stairs. So the slap wasn’t an instinct reaction, the slap happened after. I get that it was silly, but we do silly things like that to make our kids laugh. And it wasn’t like he was sleeping, we were all chatting etc and he leant back and had his eyes closed for about 2 seconds when I did it. I wouldn’t do it if he was actually drifting off or sleeping.

@changingsonooneknows

I am sorry that he slapped you. Unacceptable and needs a really firm
conversation.

However, I really do think you are minimising how irritating your behaviour is/was. I really think that what you call “silly” would infuriate me. Like - really really annoy me.

Stop the “silliness”. He doesn’t like it. It is not cute or funny to some people.

He owes you an apology for the slap and if it is a recurring pattern of behaviour you absolutely need to leave.

An open and honest conversation is needed between you both.

In the meantime, stop the childish “silly” antics when an adult is just waking up. He clearly does not like it. I would hate it too.

Slap was not ok though.

PinkPonyClubDancer · 28/10/2025 10:33

wtf is wrong with half of these votes and posters?! He assaulted her.

Singinghollybob · 28/10/2025 10:34

Balloonhearts · 28/10/2025 08:40

If I was dozing and another adult stuck their finger up my nose, I'd slap them too. How old are you? Grow up!

She didn't stick her finger up his nose.

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/10/2025 10:36

Eenameenadeeka · 28/10/2025 07:46

If he had his eyes closed, maybe it startled him a lot, and it was like a fight/flight response, if it was out of character? It's not okay to hit, but sticking your finger in his nose (or on his nostril) is pretty odd and might have been an instinctive reaction to something that made him jump?

This. I suspect I’d react instinctively if someone did something so stupid to me.

You were both wrong.

Singinghollybob · 28/10/2025 10:42

Duckyfondant · 28/10/2025 09:59

The slapping is an instinct and the shouting after the fact is because he's cross at you for triggering it. I have a similarly strong startle reflex but I wouldn't spend time with anyone who has so little respect for consent! You both need to explain to your child what you each did wrong.

If you read the OP, you'll see the slapping wasn't instinctive.

Goldfsh · 28/10/2025 10:44

I assume that the OP was putting her fingers near his nostrils to stop him breathing, to startle him? IDK

FigAboutTheRules · 28/10/2025 10:44

The OP has gone quiet. This is Mumsnet at its worst. The OP needs support and is in a really awful situation right now and everyone is arguing about right and wrong, blaming her, judging a situation they can only partially understand.

OP I really hope you're ok.

EasternEcho · 28/10/2025 10:51

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/10/2025 10:29

Honestly? It’s a fear I have! That I will react to an action like that from a child.

But equally my children have both been able to understand from quite a young age that I dislike being poked, prodded or startled, and they don’t do it. They’re 17 and 11 now and they’re nice considerate people.

AT THE SAME TIME I agree with everyone saying that the OP’s husband’s reaction is OTT for a startle reaction and it’s not something I would recognise as what my reaction would be.

Edit - I did nearly blind my middle brother once when he went to tickle my feet (which they both know I particularly hate) by instinctively kicking out - he already had an eye injury, but I’d argue it was his own fault!

Edited

Hitting out at a child would be abuse, and the same applies to an adult, no matter how many qualifiers you throw at it. A foot and leg response from tickling it is different, the leg itself reacts, as we know from the doctor's office when they test for reflexes. In this cae it was NOT a startle response. He got up, threw covers off, took the time to yell and swear, and THEN hit her.

Aintnosunshinenowitsgone · 28/10/2025 10:53

Moonnstars · 28/10/2025 07:35

Give him time to cool off and then apologise. I would have been irritated too by that, any time not just in the morning and would also push someone away.
Hopefully he will also acknowledge that he shouldn't have sworn in front of your child.
Next time don't be so silly.

Wow you get irritated and then become physically violent then do you? Fuck me. When you thought people couldn’t go any lower, bam.

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/10/2025 10:54

Aintnosunshinenowitsgone · 28/10/2025 10:53

Wow you get irritated and then become physically violent then do you? Fuck me. When you thought people couldn’t go any lower, bam.

Some people would say sticking your finger in someone’s nose is unacceptable too.

MaggieBsBoat · 28/10/2025 10:56

I may have done the same as him to be honest. I was abused as a child and I am hyperreactive when someone touches me unexpectedly. He should apologise of course. But so should you.

EasternEcho · 28/10/2025 10:57

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/10/2025 10:54

Some people would say sticking your finger in someone’s nose is unacceptable too.

She didn't stick her finger up his nose.