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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD more that AIBU? He slapped me

204 replies

changingsonooneknows · 28/10/2025 07:32

I was in bed with my husband and 4 year old son this morning. We were all talking and joking (so all awake). My husband closed his eyes for a second and I put my finger on his nostril (not inside), just as a joke for my son. He reacted really really angry screaming and then he slapped my shoulder (it hurt but didn’t leave a mark), and then stormed out swearing. I’m in shock, what should I do? I know I was annoying him but that seems extreme? He has been tired recently but we were all very awake in the bed…

OP posts:
ItWasOnAStarrrryNight · 28/10/2025 08:04

What’s he usually like?

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 28/10/2025 08:06

It's one thing to flail a bit and knock someone's hand away in shock/panic, especially when it's your nose/mouth being obstructed - I've done that when DD has woken me by stuffing a teddy in my face. That's normal. But that's clearly not what's happened here at all.

He sounds very aggressive with all the prolonged shouting too OP, I wouldnt want to live with that. The hit would be a bringing of that into sharp focus for me. He's roaring about the place shouting and banging, that's being intimidating on purpose. The whole aim is to make you behave in a way he wants, to avoid that reaction. You'll end up on eggshells if you're not already, and so will the DC.

Generally, does he tend to shout and bang about / sulk / silent treatment etc when he's angry? Does he do things to try to make you change what you do to avoid his reaction, rather than talk sensibly about things?

Justcallmedaffodil · 28/10/2025 08:08

TheWonderhorse · 28/10/2025 07:54

I swear to god, I'm so sorry for some of these responses OP. I hope you're okay.

You’re almost as over the top in your responses as OP’s “D”H.

OP, has he ever behaved like this before? Do you feel unsafe in any way? If the answer to either of these questions is yes, then absolutely take PP’s advice to break up your family and leave.

If it’s a one-off incident, which ultimately you share some responsibility for provoking, then I’d suggest a calm conversation when the children aren’t around to establish why the seemingly huge overreaction happened this morning and to establish if he actually feels any remorse for it. Depending on his response, you can go from there.

Original poster
changingsonooneknows · 28/10/2025 08:09

I think I’m already on eggshells

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 28/10/2025 08:09

Well he completely overreacted, especially as your young child was there. Does he usually have a short fuse?

thepariscrimefiles · 28/10/2025 08:10

Moonnstars · 28/10/2025 07:50

We only have your version of the event. I am sorry if the slap was more, but I interpreted it as he slapped you in response to you poking him. A bit like how someone else has mentioned, a fight or flight response.

You have a a strange relationship doing things like this to make your child laugh, which as you have now sadly discovered aren't always funny to the other person.

Is your relationship usually like this?

Show quote history

We only ever get one side of the story on here but that doesn't mean that it's OK to support physical abuse.

OP annoyed him but she has said that he does similar things to her to make their child laugh and OP has never slapped him.

Jackiepumpkinhead · 28/10/2025 08:10

Moonnstars · 28/10/2025 07:35

Give him time to cool off and then apologise. I would have been irritated too by that, any time not just in the morning and would also push someone away.
Hopefully he will also acknowledge that he shouldn't have sworn in front of your child.
Next time don't be so silly.

Apologise; are you okay?

Original poster
changingsonooneknows · 28/10/2025 08:12

He has now said sorry in front of the boys, but like he was talking to them and not me. Said he shouldn’t have reacted that way to mama. I just didn’t say anything. He is laughing and joking with the kids but hasn’t actually said anything directly to me..

OP posts:
GAJLY · 28/10/2025 08:12

That was a massive over reaction. I'd be concerned too. Are you okay? If it did ever escalate in the future, you need to think of an escape plan e.g. pack an emergency bag for you and the kids, pull out some cash to hide in the socks, in the bag. Don't forget to pack important paperwork e.g. passports, birth certificates and bank books.That way you can leave quickly, by going to mums or contacting a women's refuge etc.

weezypops · 28/10/2025 08:13

Hope you are okay, OP.

StandFirm · 28/10/2025 08:14

Moonnstars · 28/10/2025 07:35

Give him time to cool off and then apologise. I would have been irritated too by that, any time not just in the morning and would also push someone away.
Hopefully he will also acknowledge that he shouldn't have sworn in front of your child.
Next time don't be so silly.

You are not living on planet Earth.

GooseyGandalf · 28/10/2025 08:17

What is the rest of the relationship like?

2chocolateoranges · 28/10/2025 08:21

If someone was poking at my nose to annoy me the first thing I would do would be to slap their hand away.

the shouting etc seems excessive. How does he normally react? Is he normally calm?

Greenwitchart · 28/10/2025 08:27

Totally unacceptable behaviour from him OP.

Please ignore all the apologists on this thread.

No one has a right to slap you and it is appalling that your kids witness all of this.

Ask him to leave the house right now and plan your next step.

Personally I would not take the risk of him losing his temper again like this so it would be the end of the relationship.

The fact that he has not spoken to you directly about it and thinks that's Ok is also another red flag.

Waterbaby41 · 28/10/2025 08:27

I'm not surprised he slapped you - what a horrible, invasive thing for you to do. You both need to apologise to each other, and move on.

bigboykitty · 28/10/2025 08:29

Waterbaby41 · 28/10/2025 08:27

I'm not surprised he slapped you - what a horrible, invasive thing for you to do. You both need to apologise to each other, and move on.

Just another abuse apologist!

Ryvitaandmarmite · 28/10/2025 08:32

Waterbaby41 · 28/10/2025 08:27

I'm not surprised he slapped you - what a horrible, invasive thing for you to do. You both need to apologise to each other, and move on.

Fucking hell !

AbsentosaurusRex · 28/10/2025 08:37

Waterbaby41 · 28/10/2025 08:27

I'm not surprised he slapped you - what a horrible, invasive thing for you to do. You both need to apologise to each other, and move on.

Are you OPs ‘DH’?

Theunamedcat · 28/10/2025 08:38

Hope he realises when his child goes to school they are going to ask what they did in half term and he will remember and likely recount this incident including the happy breakfast afterwards

Moonnstars · 28/10/2025 08:39

changingsonooneknows · 28/10/2025 08:12

He has now said sorry in front of the boys, but like he was talking to them and not me. Said he shouldn’t have reacted that way to mama. I just didn’t say anything. He is laughing and joking with the kids but hasn’t actually said anything directly to me..

Well it's a start. Maybe when the kids are getting ready then you could have a word with him.
I suggest you both stop the silly jokes on each other.
I would explain that it hurt when he slapped you and you don't condone that behaviour at all.

As others have asked and you haven't replied, is this out of character for him? You mention he has been tired lately, so if you are all running on low sleep playing pranks on eachother may not be taken in the spirit they usually would.

Also have either of you slapped/hit the other before? Again as a one off for something where he was provoked to an extent, is very different to if he has done this before.

I know people think that some of us are wrong in taking his side, but I know if my partner poked me like that I would probably be reactive too - not hitting but I would also likely get up and strop off angrily. Different people have different limits and maybe he has reached his.

AbsentosaurusRex · 28/10/2025 08:40

changingsonooneknows · 28/10/2025 08:12

He has now said sorry in front of the boys, but like he was talking to them and not me. Said he shouldn’t have reacted that way to mama. I just didn’t say anything. He is laughing and joking with the kids but hasn’t actually said anything directly to me..

You said you’re already on eggshells? You mean from his behaviour before today?

His passive aggressive gas lighting behaviour at breakfast - saying sorry to the kids but ignoring you? He sounds abusive and hideous. Makes me feel a bit queasy reading his behaviour towards you - the woman who he said he loves. Do we treat people we love, like he’s treating you? 😟

Balloonhearts · 28/10/2025 08:40

If I was dozing and another adult stuck their finger up my nose, I'd slap them too. How old are you? Grow up!

hididdlyho · 28/10/2025 08:43

I can't comprehend how someone would hit their partner in front of their kid. I grew up getting the shit kicked out of me by my older brother on a pretty much daily basis. I've never felt the need to hit anyone and use my words or walk away if someone is irritating me. There's plenty of men out there who would never dream of raising a hand to a woman.

Boomer55 · 28/10/2025 08:43

So would I. Incredibly stupid behaviour..

You both need to apologise to each other. 🙄

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/10/2025 08:44

Renamedyetagain · 28/10/2025 07:41

You did a stupid thing. Not funny. Invasive, immature, annoying.

But he shouldn't have hit you, obviously.

Sounds like a shit relationship all round. Leave.

He absolutely shouldn’t have slapped you. 100 % not on.

The only thing holding me back from saying 100% LTB, go to the police etc is that I might instinctively slap someone’s hand away that did this to me. I would find it unbelievably invasive and panic inducing if someone did this to me - if they took advance of my closing my eyes for a second, and the vulnerability of that, to invade my body with their finger. Not ok at all.

But it sounds like more than a slapping away of a hand, and much more like an assault. Which is never ok.