WWYD more that AIBU? He slapped me

[changingsonooneknows]

I was in bed with my husband and 4 year old son this morning. We were all talking and joking (so all awake). My husband closed his eyes for a second and I put my finger on his nostril (not inside), just as a joke for my son. He reacted really really angry screaming and then he slapped my shoulder (it hurt but didn’t leave a mark), and then stormed out swearing. I’m in shock, what should I do? I know I was annoying him but that seems extreme? He has been tired recently but we were all very awake in the bed…

you're both at fault really. you should both apologise to each other.

He slapped you so he needs to apologise (sincerely) to you directly, not via the kids. If he doesn't and you brush it under the carpet, there's a risk it happens again in future.

Exactly this. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill OP. You’re hiding out in the bedroom??

Go downstairs and say ‘Oi, that was a bit OTT, I was only messing around, sorry if I startled you, but no need to whack me on the shoulder so hard you dick’.

You seem to have gone in to full battered wife mode, when it was just messing around.

Please don’t say I’m minimising domestic violence, I’m not, I would be the first one to say leave if there was abuse going on. But this??

It's the same on every thread where there's physical violence. Exaggerate what the OP did to 'shoving her fingers up his nose' and downplay the violence - 'he only swiped her hand away'. The OP has clarified these points but posters persist in minimising.

I think it is hard to advise without both sides of the story and seeing what actually happened and I don't think those saying your husband is 100% in the wrong would say the same if your husband did that to you. You've said you're all tired, maybe he dozed back off. I'm not sure someone walking on egg shells would be doing that to their husband. Nor should you be doing that sort of thing as a joke infront of your DC.

Op is there any history of him reacting in this way?
You mention 'treading on eggshells' so I assume there is?

If this is a one-off, I’d send him a message this afternoon to say you’re sorry for poking him, but his reaction scared and upset you and you don’t want it to happen again.

His reaction will tell you what to do next.

He lashed out instinctively when you stupidly poked his nose. I don’t like having my nose touched and if my eyes were shut and I felt something in my nose I would jump and possibly act defensively like he did.

Obviously hitting you is not acceptable. Is this a complete one off , or would he typically get angry? I think that seeking advice from your local police DV unit is definitely something you should consider, but you need to be prepared for the consequences.

You both need to understand that when a child witnesses domestic violence it is considered a safeguarding issue. It would probably be sensible to contact the safeguarding lead at your children’s school, because there is every chance one of them could say something when they go back to school.

Whether or not you decide to stay with a husband who hits you, you both need to pack in this absolutely idiotic habit of poking one another as a joke. Your child is growing up with utterly ridiculous ideas about boundaries .

I KNOW I SAID THAT!

It’s just worth pointing out for future reference that it isn’t ok. Because some people bizarrely thing it is.

Context is everything here and only you know whether it was a proper hit or more slapstick. I say this because sometimes I have when mucking around with kids/ husband have reacted with a very light slap. Not aggressive as such at all but all the same it means back off .

I could have sworn it originally said inside but maybe not.

Fair do.

I would let it go if it’s the first time he’s ever done anything like this.

Obviously I would go mental at him first (away from the kids).

If it happens again, then you probably shouldn’t be with him.

Now that you've explained it wasn't an instinctive reaction to you messing around with his nostril while his eyes were closed then no question, you need to leave.

The second post.
Fucking hell.

Why are people saying OP stuck her finger up his nose? She said she didnt, she just touched his nostril.

Id be tempted to slap anyone that was annoying me in the mornings.
Then again i hate being picked and poked especially in the mornings.

How annoying was you being?

What he did was wrong but how annoying was you being for him to just flip.
We all have limits.

Edited: to add he needs kicking out and you need to stop annoying people in the mornings.

Another who hopes you’re okay op x

I think you were extremely annoying but there is almost never an excuse for a man to hit a woman, unless this was just an automatic reflex to bat your hand away, but it doesn’t sound like that. I’m always the first person to say that people don’t work hard enough with their marriages, but I think any kind of physical assault crosses a line and is totally unacceptable. The day my husband laid a finger on me would be the last day we would stay under the same roof, even after being together for 50 years. If he’s hit you once, how can you ever trust him not to hit you, or your children, again?.

If you would start screaming and swearing in front of your child and storm off down the stairs, it sounds more like you have a problem.

Yes, I agree with this.

If this isn't possible, then your relationship is either toxic or just plain over, so you need to make plans to separate.

I mean, I find the whole thing weird. No one has ever put a finger on my nostril as a joke. I don't understand what was happening TBH.

I have literally never touched another person's nostril. I don't think it's great showing this behaviour to your kids- you are teaching them that teasing is OK, invading personal.space is OK as long as its 'a joke'.

Him hitting you is not OK either. But what a lot of these posts seem to ignore is thst human beings lose their temper sometimes and its part of life. Leaving someone for them losing their temper when there was a good reason seems a bit OTT to me. He should apologise and think about how to control his temper.

If this is a pattern of behaviour then it's different.

Hoping you are ok. I think many posters here have not read any of your updates. This is not ok. If you EVER feel fear of your partner that's an alarm bell never to ignore. In 20 years of marriage I have felt anger, frustration, hurt (as well as all the good stuff of course), I have avoided doing something because I couldn't be bothered with the inevitable argument, but never ever fear. Walking on eggshells is something you might do occasionally if someone is in a bad mood, to avoid terse words. Walking on eggshells often, or with any sense of worry rather than a casual eye roll sort of feeling, is a red flag.

"good reason" to lose one's temper and hit another person is subjective isn't it? Basically that can be grounds to justify any domestic violence. A wife cannot touch her husband's nose without him considering it a "good reason" to get up, shout and swear at her and THEN hit her (not instinctive)? The amount of women (I assume) who are abuse apologists in this thread is quite sad to observe.