How would you feel about this if I was your DIL?

[MickeyThunder]

It’s my husband’s 40th next year, and we’ve been talking about booking a holiday to celebrate. The idea came up in front of my parents, and they said they’d love to come along. My husband was fine with that, so I went ahead today and booked flights for a 4-night break. It’ll be me, my husband, our two kids and my parents.

It’s only just hit me that we/I haven’t mentioned it to my husband’s parents or invited them, and I’m wondering if they might be upset when they find out...

There’s no plan to invite them, Id rather not go if they did to be honest! (and my husband isn’t bothered at all about them being there), but I’m just not sure if we’ll get any backlash or if they will be really hurt.

For context, we get on much better with my parents. They’re very easy-going, and my husband would definitely agree. My FIL, on the other hand, can be quite difficult, and I’m not particularly close to him or my MIL.

That was a horrible thing to do, but I’m sure you know that.

I think it’s a really hurtful thing to do. If I knew I’d been totally sidelined from my own son’s 40th holiday to which my dil’s parents had been cordially invited, I’d be incredibly upset. I’d put my poker face on, but I wouldn’t ever forget the slight, and it would definitely affect the relationship with my dil and probably my son. Are you planning on keeping it a secret?

I think most people would feel they had to invite their in-laws to such an occasion, even if they desperately hoped they wouldn’t come. I get the impression you’re not most people, though, op, and you probably don’t care about any of that!

Same for us! Takes 2 hours to get there and after 90 minutes he's jonesing to leave.

Whereas DP often suggests we stay an extra night at ours for another games night with my parents and my brother and his wife.

They are prickly, negative people who I'm sure do love us but have no social skills to show that. When DP went to university they weren't it any contact at all throughout each term for three years. They only speak now because I ring and intervals. DP dreads it. They just don't have any family bonds.

You could always say its your parents treat for your hubby? His parents can celebrate at the party.

People are so weak these days. Putting up with in laws because they're in laws is such a load of rubbish.

My fil once said to my daughter "little girls should not draw attention to themselves" and when I pulled him up he said "no woman should disagree with me".

I said to my husband I can either tear him a new arsehole to the point he will never speak to us again or we would make the decision to never see him again.

OP You're on this planet once, do what makes you happy and don't put up with those that being your family down just because they're your in laws

Well if they are that unclose, whats the harm in inviting them since they won't want to come anyway?

You say they can't be bothered to come and speak to you all when you visit, they are hardly going to want to come away with you are they?

But it may go some towards improving the relationship if they are invited and not excluded from a holiday over dhs special birthday.

Why is it OP's job to fix her PIL's relationship with their son?

Have you ever gone away with just his parents or, indeed, both sets of parents?
I imagine that, were my children in the future, to go away with the other set of parents for a celebratory holiday, I might feel slighted if not asked. However, hopefully, I'd be savvy enough to reflect upon why I had not been invited.
I really don't think this is as big a deal as some people are making out.
My sister and her husband regularly holiday with the husband's father and step mother. They never went away with the husband's Mum or my Mum (both now dead), as they were not people my sister and BIL chose to spend their time with.

Quite.

The OP isn't responsible for this.

If my son’s wife did this in the future, then yes I’d be pretty pissed off that she had invited her parents and not us. Even more so that he will be away on his actual birthday too, that’s their son.

Its not...when I say invite them, I mean ops husband can extend the invite

The DH is happy with his birthday plans, he’s a 39 year old, he knows his own mind.

If there is fallout, it’s for your DH to deal with. It’s not like it’s a surprise, he knew about it and could have invited his parents if he wanted to. But he didn’t, so that’s his choice. All these people giving you a hard time I’m sure wouldn’t want to be on holiday with people they don’t get on with either!!

But it sounds like he doesn't want to. I'm guessing he must have his reasons.

You could have gone on a trip with your parents any other time of the year.

I'd be very hurt if I were your inlaws. It's an unnecessary rejection

I don’t see a problem with it. He is allowed to spend time with other people. Why don’t they invite him to do something with both of you for his birthday. It won’t be on the actual day but celebrating doesn’t have to start and finish on the day itself

I wouldn't worry. I would perhaps make out you wanted to take DH away and parents offered to come along to help with childcare etc. something like that x

🤔🤔🤔 Mmm, let me think…part of a discussion thread… OP/PP’s asking for opinions, example shared of how relationships play out….some women control, some women play faux innocence. etc etc.

Plenty of other posters have used the emoji’s to ‘agree’ & ‘love’ the information shared!

Pleased I did!

Have you asked your parents what they think about it? They might be able to give you some appreciation of how they would feel if it were them who hadn't been invited in similar circumstances

I'd be absolutely gutted if it was me. But that's my family. You know your family better than random people on the Internet

Literally not relevant to anything the OP has described.

I saw how hurt my parents were when my sister went out for dinner with her husband and inlaws and they made a big fuss about her 40th. Cake, flowers the lot. No-one had bothered to ask my parents and my sister had no idea it was happening (the weekend before the actual birthday). My parents did not tell my sister how hurt they were.
For my 40th (3 years later) my MIL wanted to take my husband and me out but I said no. She was upset, and it was a kind offer, but I couldn't hurt my parents again. She was very vocal to my husband but I was adamant that, if I was celebrating my birthday, it would include my parents.
In my view the celebration can be couple only, friends party, but if including PIL should include parents ... you know, the ones who brought you up.

Weekend after I will be doing a party for him, which they will be invited too obviously.

I just consulted my crystal ball and predict they won’t be there. 🔮

Ah. Does this make it a bit different? How old is your ds - do your parents help you with him? As in, would they mind him so you and dh can go out while you're away?

That would feel more justifiable to be honest.

My other question is have you been away on holiday with the inlaws before? Would they even want to go?

Why don't you organise to visit and have a birthday meal with his parents before you go? Then at least they'll be included in some way.

I'm probably a bit against the grain as my side of the family is all a bit ND and eccentric - they would actually hate to be cooped up on holiday with other inlaws for days 😂 and would be very happy with just a small visit or meal, or even just a chat on the phone. Just chat your concerns over with dh and if he's okay with it, just accept your good fortune!

But how much do the grandchildren see them? Would they even bring it up?