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Original poster

Getting over resentment with DH, 1 year old DS

204 replies

TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 14:35

I am finding myself being quite harsh and snappy with my DH and, while I know I am unreasonable in the moment, I don't know how to get over it.

We have a 15 month old DS, I've been working full time since he was 6 months and I am the higher earner who works longer hours (for context) and basically, DH just wasn't great in that first year.

He's a lot better now, because DS is easier obviously, we have a nanny, he is trying much harder (after some almighty fights and tears) and I am standing my ground very very firmly on a daily basis and not letting him get away with being shit. But I can't get over it.

I just feel so incredibly disappointed with him, as a man and as a father. He let me down at my hardest and now he's trying harder, and we should be happy but I look at him and feel nothing.

He will not admit he was wrong, he says babies just need their mums and he did loads and he did more than other dads who do fuck all and that's that. So I will never get an acknowledgment or apology, which would help I think.

A stranger on the train asked us yesterday if we wanted more kids (we were making conversation on long journey) and DH said "oh yes absolutely , would love a second" and I thought "not with you, I'm not".

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 27/10/2025 14:38

Some parents (not just dads) don’t come into their own as parents until the babies are a little older.

This doesn’t make the situation ok but it also means that he wasn’t necessarily just being lazy/not stepping up.

All you can do is communicate how you feel in a calm manner. Don’t wait for it to come out in an argument. Sit down calmly to talk about it, express how you feel and make it known that you want to move past this and be in a better place.

Youre doing the right thing by standing your ground and not letting things slide. So many women will let their partners get away with the bare minimum because they don’t want to be seen as a nag but that is how men fall into the habit of not contributing enough, resentment building and ultimately the relationship falling apart.

ConcordeSkyHigh · 27/10/2025 14:39

I don't have kids but imagine the first is the hardest, and he's underestimating how hard it will be with two.

pointythings · 27/10/2025 14:55

I despair... First response trots out the old line of 'oh, the poor men can't help it that they aren't good with babies'. Yes, they can help it. It takes a little research and willpower.

If my late husband had been rubbish with our DC1 I wouldn't have had a second either. But back then, he was bloody great and fully stepped up.

Worriedalltheday · 27/10/2025 15:04

You’re right the best thing you can do is never have another with him. I’m sure you have the Ick too now after seeing him in his true colors.
amazing how these useless piece of shit men can hold down jobs, social lives, make plans with friends and yet can’t figure out to parent a child.

Sartre · 27/10/2025 15:06

He’s given you the ick. The fact you look at him and feel nothing but sheer resentment says it all. I think your marriage is over.

Thundertoast · 27/10/2025 15:06

I'd be questioning if he even loved me at all to be honest. How can anyone's response to someone they love being overwhelmed, even if they are overwhelmed themselves, be 'i do more than other dads so go away'.
Have you talked about how him saying 'other dads do more' is exist because its not that he's great, the bar is just in hell? Or does he never let it get that far. if he was so in the right, how come he's now trying harder...
Im so sorry this happened to you. This is NOT okay. Just because other men are shit too doesn't mean you need to be grateful for crumbs. He's treated you like an appliance with no right to have feelings.

Ambergold9752 · 27/10/2025 15:11

No advice but just solidarity. I could have written this post. I do feel my DH let me down in our DC’s first year (workaholic, I was EBF and had a c section and he didn’t really ‘take care of me’ as the ideal DH is supposed to) and it very much has affected my feelings towards him and my thoughts around having a second. We had a very difficult pregnancy and DC was premature, spent time in NICU etc so it was a very challenging start but aside from that, I feel DH let me down at my most vulnerable and I don’t know if I will ever get over that. I have said this to him as well during arguments but I am not sure if he realises the extent of it and I suppose the damage is done.

DH is ‘getting better’ as DC has got older - he is now nearly 2 and I think now they can do more things together he gets it a bit more and I have been able to have more free time. However, I don’t feel that I could cope with having a second child, knowing that I’d be doing it all on my own again pretty much but this time with two. I feel that the family life I had envisaged has been somewhat taken from me and it is partly because of his behaviour/attitude during the first year.

Jan039 · 27/10/2025 15:13

DaisyChain505 · 27/10/2025 14:38

Some parents (not just dads) don’t come into their own as parents until the babies are a little older.

This doesn’t make the situation ok but it also means that he wasn’t necessarily just being lazy/not stepping up.

All you can do is communicate how you feel in a calm manner. Don’t wait for it to come out in an argument. Sit down calmly to talk about it, express how you feel and make it known that you want to move past this and be in a better place.

Youre doing the right thing by standing your ground and not letting things slide. So many women will let their partners get away with the bare minimum because they don’t want to be seen as a nag but that is how men fall into the habit of not contributing enough, resentment building and ultimately the relationship falling apart.

Mothers don't get the chance to not 'come into their own' really though do they?
I didn't like the baby stage but I still had to put in the hard work.

I'm not surprised you're disappointed OP, I wouldn't have a second with him either.

Original poster
TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 15:21

Thundertoast · 27/10/2025 15:06

I'd be questioning if he even loved me at all to be honest. How can anyone's response to someone they love being overwhelmed, even if they are overwhelmed themselves, be 'i do more than other dads so go away'.
Have you talked about how him saying 'other dads do more' is exist because its not that he's great, the bar is just in hell? Or does he never let it get that far. if he was so in the right, how come he's now trying harder...
Im so sorry this happened to you. This is NOT okay. Just because other men are shit too doesn't mean you need to be grateful for crumbs. He's treated you like an appliance with no right to have feelings.

@Thundertoast yes, unloved is how I feel.

I don't even care so much about the workload or anything, given he is doing more now. If he acknowledged it and showed me some appreciation, I'd be more inclined to forgive and forget. Interesting how happy I'd be with so little.

We've had plenty of conversations, calm and not so calm. I'm done talking, I just sound like a robot repeating the same thing over and over.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 15:25

@Ambergold9752 yes, the family i wanted has been taken away from me too. I think some women are more capable of putting up with everything. Maybe if I hadn't gone back to work so early and I didn't carry the financial burden as well, I'd feel different. Or not, maybe I'd just feel even more vulnerable. Who knows.

I have made an appointment to fit the mirena coil next week. I'm 37 so if I fit this now, I am not ever getting pregnant again as it's a 5 year thing. I know you can get it out early but this is my way of saying fuck it, no more, won't consider it.

But my marriage remains a problem. I want to stay together for DS' sake.

OP posts:
Undochange · 27/10/2025 15:38

Has he acknowledged how shit he was? Or aired an appreciation for you? This & therapy helped me get over the same situation - and brave another DC with him. He was brilliant second time around, though DC2 arguably has an easier temperament which helped.

coxesorangepippin · 27/10/2025 15:43

First post?

Excusing men.

coxesorangepippin · 27/10/2025 15:45

And it's so infantile, this micromanaging and having to support and encourage and explain.

But women?? They just do it

Gettingbysomehow · 27/10/2025 15:46

Unfortunately this is why I'm divorced. My ex was SO useless and completely lazy I could never find it in my heart to forgive him. This was his child and he never even changed one nappy.

VanyaV · 27/10/2025 15:47

I feel the same way OP, we’re separating. DC and I will be better off without him. He’s been a series of disappointments.

Cherrysoup · 27/10/2025 15:52

TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 15:25

@Ambergold9752 yes, the family i wanted has been taken away from me too. I think some women are more capable of putting up with everything. Maybe if I hadn't gone back to work so early and I didn't carry the financial burden as well, I'd feel different. Or not, maybe I'd just feel even more vulnerable. Who knows.

I have made an appointment to fit the mirena coil next week. I'm 37 so if I fit this now, I am not ever getting pregnant again as it's a 5 year thing. I know you can get it out early but this is my way of saying fuck it, no more, won't consider it.

But my marriage remains a problem. I want to stay together for DS' sake.

Edited

Is your DH aware you’re having a Mirena and how resentful you feel? I see you say you want to stay together for ds’s sake, but do you think it might better to split rather than ds grow up with parents who don’t love each other (I’m making a huge assumption that you don’t love each other, you sound [(rightly] resentful).

RandomMess · 27/10/2025 15:56

I would actually ask him why he said he’d like another to that stranger, let him explain and tell him that you will never have another with him due to completely unacceptable attitude towards you and your first.

Starwomanwaiting · 27/10/2025 16:06

Divorce. Just kidding. Well, ish.

I know someone with a useless husband and she has found How Not to Hate Your Husband a useful book. Might be worth trying? However I do think his failure to work on himself means they probably will end up getting divorced.

Didimum · 27/10/2025 16:08

You need marriage counselling. Unresolved resentment is one of the biggest precursors to divorce. Don't leave it to late, address it now.

Hankunamatata · 27/10/2025 16:11

Couples counselling. Myself and attended after 1st and 2nd child as we needed to get over some bumps. Best thing we ever did

CombatBarbie · 27/10/2025 16:11

I think this kind of resentment rather than I.e moved in and wasnt pulling his weight bit does so now is so much deeper and I dont think it will ever leave you. Hes shown you what hes like when the chips are down and doubly so because you had a child, a baby you created together!!! Being in a similar situation, the relationship ended.

Hankunamatata · 27/10/2025 16:13

Op what did he do that was so bad?

How much resentment is tied in with gping back full time when baby was young and being main wage earner

BallerinaRadio · 27/10/2025 16:15

You seem to hold a lot of resentment for "just not great" that makes it sound like he could have been much worse. If you want to stay together for your son you're going to have to move past it.

You admit he's better now, so if you do want to stay together you have to work with him if he is improving.

The first baby is fucking hard work it can kill a marriage dead if you let it

Luckyingame · 27/10/2025 16:19

You have done very well.
I don't think you need your husband in your life, let alone have another child by him.

Tiswa · 27/10/2025 16:20

Staying for a child is a huge burden to place on them and one which is often too much to bear. Your DS needs happy parents not ones trapped because of him.

work out whst you want