Getting over resentment with DH, 1 year old DS

[TiredToddlerMum876]

I am finding myself being quite harsh and snappy with my DH and, while I know I am unreasonable in the moment, I don't know how to get over it.

We have a 15 month old DS, I've been working full time since he was 6 months and I am the higher earner who works longer hours (for context) and basically, DH just wasn't great in that first year.

He's a lot better now, because DS is easier obviously, we have a nanny, he is trying much harder (after some almighty fights and tears) and I am standing my ground very very firmly on a daily basis and not letting him get away with being shit. But I can't get over it.

I just feel so incredibly disappointed with him, as a man and as a father. He let me down at my hardest and now he's trying harder, and we should be happy but I look at him and feel nothing.

He will not admit he was wrong, he says babies just need their mums and he did loads and he did more than other dads who do fuck all and that's that. So I will never get an acknowledgment or apology, which would help I think.

A stranger on the train asked us yesterday if we wanted more kids (we were making conversation on long journey) and DH said "oh yes absolutely , would love a second" and I thought "not with you, I'm not".

A mum cant opt out. I tried for 5 days to breastfeed my DD in hospital. In the end I was being milked like a cow for the colostrum. It was necessary. I dont know many men that would go through the waking, pain, soreness bleeding and to start with humiliation of the process for 5 days solid before i broke.

If they went through what we did they may care more? We dont get the option to opt out either!

My husband was certainly less hands on than me but definitely did his part. In saying that I am part time worker so did house work/ meals for the evening meal. He did take DD off me as soon as he came home.

I say did as DD is a teenager now. He is better with her now than I am.

Well, yes, I agree and my question is How do I move past it? What do other women in this situation tell themselves to be able to move on?

He will not admit he was wrong, he says babies just need their mums and he did loads and he did more than other dads who do fuck all and that's that. So I will never get an acknowledgment or apology, which would help I think.

yes, this is why you can't move past it. Because he has never expressed remorse. Also, you say he's better now, but it sounds like he's only better because you are cracking the whip and basically playing hardball. Which is pretty exhausting at the best of times and certainly isn't how you would want a long term relationship to continue.

Your options are
1 Leave
2 stay but continue to seethe with resentment until one day he leaves (probably while having an affair) blaming you for not being "kind" enough and "nothing was ever good enough"
3 Tell him you want this to work but you are still really upset and struggling with the reality of your lives when DS came along and even now and you want to go to therapy with him as otherwise you don't believe your relationship will survive. If he says yes, great, you work through it in therapy. If he says no, you know that he's not going to step up and nothing will change and you're back to option 1 or option 2.

He took 2 solo week long holidays I asked him not to go on as I was struggling plus a totally optional 2 week work trip when our baby was only 3 weeks old. He actually gave up part of his paternity leave voluntarily (he was not pressured in any way). He trained and ran for a marathon. He also started a part time masters. All this in the first 10 months of baby's life. So you can see how much free time he had.

He takes no responsibility for baby (now toddler)'s food. He has dairy and egg allergies so it's not as simple as feeding him just anything.

He has taken him out once in 15 months to a playground. Took him for a walk around the block maybe 5 times.

He watches him a lot as long as I'm around. Is there for every bath and bedtime (but never alone).

He's a glorified babysitter basically.

Can count on one hand how often he has done laundry.

Does cook often for us (and 90% of the time forgets not to put butter or cheese or hot chillis (he loves super spicy food) so we can't set aside some for baby's dinner so I have to make it then).

I had similar, although I had twins.

i didn’t really get past it to be honest. I decided I wasn’t going to have any more kids with him because he’d just left so much to me. I had all sorts of medical shit as well.

we did talk about what it would take for us to have another and he basically said he wasn’t prepared to step up at the level so I said we wouldn’t be having any more.

we stayed married and got on well fir many years after that but I always knew that if the chips were down he wouldn’t be there for me and in fact about a decade later I had a serious accident and he wasn’t there for me at all, but that time I didn’t expect him to be and just sorted stuff out myself and arranged help etc.

i think that he did feel lonely as the kids grew up because I never really bothered prioritising his needs because he’d been so clear on how unimportant mine were to him. But I consider that his problem.

we are now divorced. My twins are 24.

he is remarried and apparently hoping his next family will be the family he’s always wanted.

But your husband is now stepping up OP, so I suggest that he deserves a chance.
I understand your resentment OP but I know several people who have similar experience.
Please take care and acknowledge that he is trying

Love language abruptly changes after kids

it’s a knackering slog and messy and both parties absolutely must pull their weight and then some to keep the love alive

I’d suggest counselling to either make him realise how bad things are ( clearly he is delusional ) or to break up a bit more amicably

Exactly.

I disliked the baby stage too but didn't just decide I could opt out of it. Mothers don't get that option, they just don't.

I was judged on here for disliking it and asked why I bothered having a child because I had a shorter maternity leave than usual. Men get 'aww, they just don't like babies, bless them'.

So basically he hasn't stepped up, has he? He isn't even a glorified babysitter if you can't leave him alone with DC.

In your shoes I wouldn't want to get over this, I wouldn't be able to look at him.

Well, he's still incredibly shit isn't he?

No wonder he wants a 2nd, he barely does anything!

God your bar is so low! Did you really read how often he’s taken his child out, to the park etc? My husband did every weekend and I was a sahm.
He’s a totally shit father and husband and how op has stayed with him, she needs a sainthood.

It doesn't sound like he's stepped up if he's still like that after all the arguments and that's an improvement. I wouldn't stay for that.

I also wouldn't be making the separate dinner for your DS. His mistake: he makes it while you eat yours and then he can eat when he's actually finished cooking.

Thank you! And yes, playing hardball all the time is exhausting. I am constantly on the defensive, fiercely counting every minute of spare time he had, constantly second guessing if I should do something (the laundry, for example) or leave it to him because he is constantly accusing me of "I was just about to do it"....

its your decision now. You can t keep feeling resentment like this. Your husband can’t change the past and perhaps doesn’t see things that happened the same as you. I am not saying this is you but I do know a close friend who was frankly awful to her husband for the first two years of her daughters life because she felt everything he did was rubbish,wrong, not good enough or he just wasn’t a good enough father. She felt she was the pinnacle of parenting for her child and nobody come close. So. She got out of the obsessed mother stage and became more understanding of her husbands contribution to their life. He was really a good dad. Plus as kids get older it’s easier and there’s less parental competition over who had it harder. Who cares, life moves on. Or if you can’t. Then I hope you leave or he leaves you because carrying this resentment and not being able to understand it was a huge life change for both of you and enjoying life for where you are now is just shit.

YANBU OP.

The trust it takes to have a child with someone is huge, and to have them let you down at your most vulnerable is hard to get over, because you know, when push comes to shove, they cannot be relied on.

It means you will always be making plans for the next time they let you down. Making sure you never rely on them again.

I don't know how you resolve it. If you leave, at least they won't get the chance to let you down a second time.

Bizarrely, because I took ds and left, my ex sees more of ds than he ever did when we were together. Now he has to drive for an hour, so therefore spends a few hours with ds, to make the trip worthwhile. When we lived together, ds maybe got 10 mins a day.

Based on your initial post I was about to write that you need more time. The first year is shit, and I remember feeling a lot of disappointment in my husband (but I also was on mat leave for a year and then was part time). It is now significantly better and we are very close to equal parents, made all the better by me now working close to full time and he’s had to step up to cover what I can’t do.
However, your updates show that’s he’s actually still being shit! Who doesn’t remember what their own child is allergic to?! If you both work full time then all chores and child care should be equally split, there’s no other fair way to do it! How is he not seeing that? Have you ever just gone away for a night and day? He needs to do more solo care to realise what it takes. When do you get time for yourself? One thing that’s also made a big difference for us is giving each other equal down time, so we each get a morning off each weekend, and alternate hobby evenings in the week. It means we both know what needs to be done, and both feel the consequences if we forget to write bananas on the shopping list, or forget to hang the washing out for example.

If you’re still having to stand your ground it’s no wonder you don’t feel over it - because it’s not over. You’ve ready decided not to have another with him (not that I’m saying you must have more), so I think you’ll move on from him in time.

oh mate - do you really want this to be your life; your one and only life?! You can't get past it because he's still doing it and always will by the look of it. He's totally shit. You deserve happiness with a partner who values you, and your child will also benefit from not having this current relationship as a template.

Based on your update BEFORE you responded to me, he's not stepping up at ALL? FFS, never takes the toddler out, does the cooking.... but can't/won't cook for the toddler, can't do bedtime or bathtime.... even without the shittiness of training for a marathon, taking holidays and going back to work unnecessarily early he is awful NOW.

Sorry OP. I rescind my earlier advice. it was based on the belief that he IS better now so it's just the past resentment you're dealing with. But that' sclearly NOT the case. I would end it as soon as you can so that you can build a life that doesn't have him in it. I do warn you however that once you do, what little help and support you have will disappear and it's very very unlikely that he will be more than a vaguelly intersted uncle-like figure in your child's life. At best.

He sounds absolutely horrific and I’m not surprised you’ve lost all respect for him. He has let you drown at probably the hardest time of your life, all whilst bobbing along happily in his own world. These men are always training for a marathon, it’s literally a running joke. If he cannot make meaningful change, the rust of resentment and fury will destroy your marriage. If I were you OP I’d be getting your ducks in a row, and in a way this is easier now when he isn’t stepping up as you can demonstrate you are the primary carer. If you are having thoughts like ‘I wouldn’t have a second with you’ the scales have fallen and you’ve one foot out of the door mentally, even if you haven’t realised it yet. You can’t do anything to get over it, because this isn’t a you problem at its core. You are right to be furious at how he treated you.

What a wanker. Read this and cringed that he's so oblivious.

I was going to jot down the things that worked for me (and still will) but the biggest factor is a husband that's willing to do better.

I really was close to divorcing my DH after our first - I felt so alone and was sinking in PND. (I still don't think he realises how close I was, though I've told him.) Things that helped me move past it - I did a lot of work deciding what I wanted my life to look like. I focused on what made me happy, and ran through different scenarios to see how I'd feel about each one. Sharing custody made me want to scream, so I was committed to finding a way through. It helped that he & I had the same shared goals in life. We undertook a big project together to do with this, when DC1 was a year and a half, that bonded us as well.

I stepped back from parenting a little. Made him step up. If he was doing something wrong, I didn't jump to correct or takeover. I quietly observed and let him figure it out. Your DH should be the one making the second dinner IMO. This was hard - especially if DC was upset. I signed them up for classes together that regularly gave me the house to myself, and gave them a bonding opportunity.

I filled my own cup. Booked PT, time out with friends, classes, etc., Told him rather than asked him, and took the time for myself. Any sass about it was minimal and immediately shot down.

I accepted the fact I will always carry more of the mental load, and compensated for it. He is assigned more of the household tasks - though I'm not sure if he realises yet. I basically assign to dos, and add on a tax for jobs I don't like doing. E.g. I hate sorting car insurance, so he gets double the jobs when I have to do that.

I created a culture of appreciation in our home. I sent him 3 things I appreciated about him every evening. I made him do the same. It killed me sometimes when the things he appreciated me for were mundane - my brain is brilliant who cares I did the dishes - but long term it created more appreciation between the two of us.

I gave us time for connection. Date nights a few times a month, at home, because we had no sitter. Stupid art kits from Amazon, making pizzas, etc., gave him responsibility to plan something once a month at least.

I went to therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. Lots of venting.

I started sleeping again. We swapped nights with DC when they were night weaned - harder because I was EBF. Again, hard to listen to them upset but I was dying of sleep deprivation and they adapted.

I breathed through the fact it was me trying to fix it when I felt he was the one who broke it. I focused on what me and my DC would get out of moving forward as a family.

Today we're very strong as a couple, and it did get easier. But again, he needs to be willing to work - you can lead it but he has to contribute.

I am impressed with his dedication to abandoning you that is a lot of weeks he managed to find a way to be somewhere else.

I would suggest everyone has their own jobs. Then he doesn't get to weakly pretend he was just about to do it. If he cooks, he cooks, and he cooks for DS too. If he 'forgets' to make it dairy free he needs to start cooking something else. You do all the laundry (for example).

Then reassess in 12-18 months and see how you feel? And whether you think he'll give him cheesy scrambled egg.

There seems to be a very widespread social phenomenon occurring, whereby a generation of women have been raised to be 100% equal with men, equal jobs, expect equality in the home…

… and the men don’t seem to have got the memo, causing huge resentment.

I feel like I’ve heard some version of this from every woman I know, their DH being a very competent human being until baby arrives and then suddenly it’s like the 1950s called - so women are left working full time and being responsible for the majority of home and family life.

Like your DH, I’ve heard the dads cheerfully saying they’d love more kids while… not really doing anything for the ones they have, and seemingly not even realising it?

It’s so bizarre.

OP.

Why deal with an adult behaving like a child?

Solo parenting is not easy. But better than him around....

Would marriage counselling be a possibility? It’s not just about whether or not to have another child, if this resentment stay unresolved it will very likely destroy your marriage. Maybe not in the immediate future, but long term it will just keep simmering away. Have you told him you’re put off having a second because of how useless he was with the first?