Getting over resentment with DH, 1 year old DS

[TiredToddlerMum876]

I am finding myself being quite harsh and snappy with my DH and, while I know I am unreasonable in the moment, I don't know how to get over it.

We have a 15 month old DS, I've been working full time since he was 6 months and I am the higher earner who works longer hours (for context) and basically, DH just wasn't great in that first year.

He's a lot better now, because DS is easier obviously, we have a nanny, he is trying much harder (after some almighty fights and tears) and I am standing my ground very very firmly on a daily basis and not letting him get away with being shit. But I can't get over it.

I just feel so incredibly disappointed with him, as a man and as a father. He let me down at my hardest and now he's trying harder, and we should be happy but I look at him and feel nothing.

He will not admit he was wrong, he says babies just need their mums and he did loads and he did more than other dads who do fuck all and that's that. So I will never get an acknowledgment or apology, which would help I think.

A stranger on the train asked us yesterday if we wanted more kids (we were making conversation on long journey) and DH said "oh yes absolutely , would love a second" and I thought "not with you, I'm not".

He just means he sees it as women’s work, any woman will do.

I think they don’t know what to do that first year and do t have the same bins atarught away like we do. If he is pulling his weight now I’d let it go. Put it down as the learning curve it was.

I was in similar situation to you (resentment through the roof) though DH didn’t actually go away, maybe would have preferred he did because he was so useless it was enraging. We only had one and I am still very much default parent 6.5 years later. If we are both here he is absolutely no use in terms of parenting. She doesn’t listen to him and he has no common sense about how to avoid arguments with her etc. I have to do everything. She doesn’t want to go places with just him.

I had therapy and the therapist helped me take the time I need. She helped me to see that I needed to just leave them together to get on with it and build a relationship. So I do hobbies outside of the house, don’t feel bad about going to the pub or going away with friends. And they get on a lot better without me here.

I think we will break up at some point, honestly, but right now everything is fine.As I’m the higher earner, he went part time when she started school and picks her up from school every day which I really like as she isn’t the kind of child that could cope with clubs on top of school.

I feel the same towards my DH to be honest. He has massively disappointed me in how rubbish a parent he has turned out to me. Basically gives the bare minimum and that’s after years and years of me trying to coach him into being better still nothing. Yet as someone upthread points out manages to hold down a job make plans with friends etc. People choose what to put in and he has made his choice. I’ve stopped saying anything and instead will just let him feel the consequences of a poor relationship with his children as they get older.
I’ve totally lost all attraction to him because of it

Tbh I think you should leave now. Right now you are the default parent and the bread winner. What does he actually bring to the table? Why let your resentment poison the rest of your time with you DD?

for the record, I’m not a baby parent but as a woman I just have to get the fuck over it. It can be done.

All I’ll say is 1 is 1 , 2 is 100 think very carefully

OMG he's absolutely fucking awful. He lived the life of a single man without children while you were struggling with a new baby. He may be better than he was, but he still sounds totally selfish and shit.

Which dads does he know that do less than him? It doesn't really sound possible as he wasn't even in the same country as his child for weeks when you were on maternity leave.

I couldn't stay with a man like that. You are already doing pretty much everything and you out-earn him. If you split up you won't need to witness his perfunctory parenting every day.

Please tell me you are having a laugh!

She works full time.

Christ on a bike!

OP you deserve so much better than this pathetic man. The bar is so incredibly low for men to be considered a good dad, apparently being patient and never taking responsibility for them or doing any actual parenting is the bar now? I am shocked that he has done and continues to do so little for his own son, to the point your mum noticed? Embarrassing for him, you absolutely should not have more babies with this horrible man. Not caring enough about his son to keep spices/allergens out of the food he’s cooking tells you how selfish and inconsiderate he is.

Genuine question; if he’s never taken DS out more than 5 times, never does bath/bed on his own, doesn’t cook for his son, doesn’t do laundry - what the actual fuck would you miss if you broke up with him? What is he contributing?

I also need to point out that resentment only deepens with age. You will become bitter and angry, your child might even come to see you as the problem - most of the resentment will bubble up as unreasonableness in time because you haven’t been able to address the core issues.

Leaving your dh to play the victim card. Mean mummy doesn’t appreciate Daddy scenario. He might even step up and double his efforts, but it’s too late. He stood by and watched you drown. You can’t unsee that.

I would be wary of this outcome. You may very well become the bad guy very rapidly.

Having read your update, your DH wasn’t just a bit hands off, he was/is useless. I can’t believe he can’t remember (be bothered with) your ds’ food allergies. To be honest rather than having the conversation/argument again I would write down factually what you feel- document what you did and were responsible for compared to him and see if he can digest it that way. If nothing else visually your load will look huge compared to his. Who swans off for 2 solo holidays?! I would never have another baby with him.

I have also been in this exact situation, however we had 2 small children & DH worked away for extended periods. We argued immensely when back together as I felt he didn’t do his ‘fair share’ of childcare / still was able to do normal things like shower / go to the gym without feeling he had to ask permission (as I would do) and didn’t equally contribute to many (if any) household chores. I was also the main earner and responsible for all childcare drop offs and pick ups which contributed to resentment even more.

I do think on here people are quick to say ‘leave your husband’, but some people do not want to share time with their children & practically that isn’t always the best option. To some extent I see it as the option I chose and why should my children pay the price for that by being split between 2 homes.

Some steps I took to move past this phase:

1. Accept that the young child phase is naturally more where my strengths lie - DH will probably come into his own more as the DC get older & are more independent- that is okay, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with him, we just have different skill sets for dealing with children. Also accept that this allows me space to build a really strong bond with my children as they know they can really count on me.

2. Hand over some jobs to DH and then remove yourself entirely from those tasks. E.g. bath time - let him do this and do not go up to ‘check on him’ or make sure he’s doing it the way you would. I have realised I was quietly judging the way my DH did these things because he wasn’t doing them the way I would, but once I accepted that and let him get on with it I realised it was still fine. He got them done, just not the way I would.

3. more acceptance- don’t expect that everything HAS to be 50:50. This is an unpopular opinion, but you don’t actually have to do things entirely equally - just because DH has free time from your DC doesn’t mean you have to have the exact same amount. It also helped me to reframe in my head that I was treating looking after my DC as a chore and if I did X hours then DH should do the same so that it was fair, but the more I focused on actually enjoying my time with them, the less I saw it that way.

4. Try to reconnect with your DH and remind yourself why you actually liked him in the first place. Even if that is just having a no phones evening on the sofa once a week or putting your child in childcare for a day & taking a day of annual leave to spend together. It will remind you that you aren’t actually working against each other, you’re on the same team and it’s both of you learning how to manage the new responsibilities in a way the works for you.

Sorry that is long & may not be helpful to you, but it is some of the things that helped me x

and now he's trying harder, and we should be happy but I look at him and feel nothing.

This is your answer ^.

I'm afraid I can't see a way to come back from this.

I think you need to consult a solicitor about divorce.

(I had a useless first husband and I stayed far too long.)

I'm sorry x

My husband was like this—actually, at times, even worse than how you’ve described.

My child is now three, and I remember feeling exactly as you do; I was very angry at him and, in some ways, I’m still quite disappointed.

However, two things have helped: time and therapy.

I strongly suggest considering therapy together as a couple, as it really can make communication much easier. Time has also been a great healer for us. Don’t feel you have to rush to make any decisions, but also try not to let resentment build up over time.

more acceptance- don’t expect that everything HAS to be 50:50. This is an unpopular opinion, but you don’t actually have to do things entirely equally - just because DH has free time from your DC doesn’t mean you have to have the exact same amount. It also helped me to reframe in my head that I was treating looking after my DC as a chore and if I did X hours then DH should do the same so that it was fair, but the more I focused on actually enjoying my time with them, the less I saw it that way.

@1234gcj I get what you’re saying but also fuck that. I adore my children but why should we accept being the default parent and not take time for ourselves? Martyrdom is not healthy for anyone! I don’t clock watch but am conscious of taking up space in my own family, after all if the kids ARENT a chore why wouldn’t my husband want to spend time with them?

Sometimes trying is not good enough, and the resentment is too far gone. Why should OP give him a chance? That first year is so vulnerable, that is the time to especially step up and he let her down. She’s given him more than a chance.

I agree with the poster that some parents don’t “do” well with certain age groups and I am definitely over of those. Babies bore the life out of me! Don’t get me wrong I loved my babies from the moment I conceived but I am not a natural home body or overly maternal mummy type. I absolutely did the night feeds from 10-6 , so I could sleep in for an extra 2 hours while my DH got up at 6am and did the breakfast etc . But I didn’t enjoy that state at all and find it very hard. We had to tag team work with me doing days and him doing nights. I look back and honestly wonder how wet got through it. But I didn’t really come into my own as a parent until the kids were taking/waking/doing/asking questions. I LOVED teaching them things and all 4 of my kids can wall paper, paint, lay flooring, fit shelves, do flat pack, do basic plumbing etc.

but I did, at times resent my DH too. But we are still here 24 years in so must have got over it.

Is he or is he not good with DS? Your posts contradict themselves..

Bloody hell. He sounds utterly useless.
Does he know you’re having the coil put in? Personally, I’d skip the coil but leave him instead.

I can also see that perspective, but if the OP is looking for ways to move past resentment it suggests to me that her first choice isn’t to leave her DH. In which case the only things she can control in the situation are her actions / thoughts, so trying to reframe things into a more positive light can sometimes help get rid of the initial anger and move past the resenting phase.. obviously the alternative is to accept this is how he is & leave. Which is also fine!

Part of it is also probably accepting what has happened has happened, it is pointless to keep hashing over what he did in the first 15 months. It’s done, you can’t change it - so you either try to move forward or leave!

he did more than other dads who do fuck all and that's that

He did less than plenty of Dads who are wonderful. This attitude stinks to be honest.

I think it comes down to the question about what, exactly is he contributing if you are the higher earner and working longer hours and you’re also working harder as a parent.

I think you need to have the conversation with him about a second child and say something will have to change. Maybe he needs to take on more hours and a pay rise since he didn’t do a good enough job as the stay at home parent.

Also remember that he is the male role model for your son.

The other thing OP, for a capable switched on lady like you, being a single mum is not that hard. I've done 15 years of raising my ds on my own while working full time and paying a mortgage. I did it without parents or any family support. My ds' dad was exactly like your dh. I finally gave up trying to get ex to take ds to the park or get up at night (even once) or change a smelly nappy, when ds was two.

The 15 years since have been happy & fun, not filled with constant resentment & anger. Don't underestimate your abilities.

If he was truly an equal parent now I'd suggest counselling individually to get over the resentment and together to understand the effect he had. But he is objectively still shit. If this is really his best, is there much point in staying together? The resentment at the inequality of everything would just kill the relationship for me.

How would splitting be harder for you? It sounds like the only difference would be that you wouldn't need to cook for yourself. You might actually get some time off.

It's very easy to be 'very patient' and a fun parent, when you don't have to worry about anything, plan or organise anything, and your only task is to play with the baby.

As PPs have said, I think your only choices are leaving or acceptance which will likely need therapy. But having therapy to accept a problem in your life rather than removing the problem seems a bit mad to me. Your son will get easier as he gets older (eg will entertain himself while you both get on with stuff) so you might be able to forget some of the worst bits though (or put off leaving till he is a bit older)

I don’t know, I think i could accept/forgive if there was a real ownership m of the fact he was crap, and he stepped up properly now without having to be overseen by you.