Getting over resentment with DH, 1 year old DS

[TiredToddlerMum876]

I am finding myself being quite harsh and snappy with my DH and, while I know I am unreasonable in the moment, I don't know how to get over it.

We have a 15 month old DS, I've been working full time since he was 6 months and I am the higher earner who works longer hours (for context) and basically, DH just wasn't great in that first year.

He's a lot better now, because DS is easier obviously, we have a nanny, he is trying much harder (after some almighty fights and tears) and I am standing my ground very very firmly on a daily basis and not letting him get away with being shit. But I can't get over it.

I just feel so incredibly disappointed with him, as a man and as a father. He let me down at my hardest and now he's trying harder, and we should be happy but I look at him and feel nothing.

He will not admit he was wrong, he says babies just need their mums and he did loads and he did more than other dads who do fuck all and that's that. So I will never get an acknowledgment or apology, which would help I think.

A stranger on the train asked us yesterday if we wanted more kids (we were making conversation on long journey) and DH said "oh yes absolutely , would love a second" and I thought "not with you, I'm not".

I think some couples counselling would be really important here if you want to save this. It may help him understand the damage he caused and truly express remorse. And if it doesn't, then you know where you stand and can feel confident in your decision to leave. I felt very similar to you about being let down by my husband when we had our first DC. He just didn't get it. He sorted himself out sooner than yours did though (think weeks to months not a year), and we had very clear conversations that it would be different for future kids and it was. We have 3 now. But there is this niggle of hurt that doesn't ever fully go away if no accountability is taken or remorse given.

FWIW I found single parenthood much, much easier than the sort of inconsiderate setup you’re describing, where you can never relax because you just can’t trust your partner to catch any balls you miss, and you seethe with resentment and rage at the sheer unfairness of it all.

i have a lovely partner now and the real difference that I feel grateful for every day is that if I bring anything up, he will step up to the discussion and face things I say (and vice versa- that’s quite hard!). When he is wrong he will admit it and make an effort to change his behaviour. There’s no minimising, no ‘well other men do shit’, no ‘well what about the time you didn’t do the washing up’. That’s what stands out for me from your posts- the lack of respect for you or any real notion that the two of you are a team. He sees you as the domestic drudge, and himself as the fully rounded person with a range of hobbies and interests that he should have every right to pursue, with your facilitation.

This definitely describes the OP's husband

You sound similar to me. Tbh you either accept their parentimg style and ability or you don't. I probably should have left after our first as I had high resentment which I still carry. Now I am stuck until they leave home.
However, now the kids are older I purposefully leave many jobs to Dad. He deals with their personal hygeine monitoring, curfews and rules, sports, clothing and a few other tasks that I have decided to hand over to him as management tasks, I take yhe back seat. The resentment is slowly disapating.

I think couple's therapy would really benefit you both if you want to save the marriage and your conversations have stalled.

So, in reality, he's still useless?

Leave him or you will make your life and his a misery. You obv. cant move past it so move on.

“ I want to stay together for DS' sake.”

How is that any better for your DS when you are deeply unhappy? At least if you split you can push for 50/50 and actually get him to step up?

@TiredToddlerMum876

I suggest you look at how out of our control “life” actually is, and how it is not possible to be able to fully control it.

Your feelings of being unable to forgive your husband are actually about not being able to forgive yourself. You didn’t ensure the perfect husband and father for your child and somewhere deep down you feel you should have been able to. Why?

Sometimes driven and capable people grow up in a world where they get the impression that they can fully manipulate their surroundings. And in a superficial way, in ways that require planning, and reasoning and making good choices, they almost can do. They make things work for them almost always except when it comes to things that are bigger and deeper.

You cannot control how much effort someone puts into loving you or your child. You cannot control how much of themselves they are willing to sacrifice to let another person grow. You cannot force someone to be the person you want them to be, you can only be the person you want to be, and it’s not your job to change anyone unless they so wish.

You want the past couple of years to have been different, but you can’t have an alternative reality, one where your husband stepped up and was less selfish, because he truly has been.

What you can do is think about yourself, and your child and what you think will be in both your best interests going forward.

This is your child’s father. If you want to you could explain, in words, that a family, and relationships within the family, long term, don’t appear like magic, but are cultivated, year after year.
That every mundane task is much more than the task itself. That every time you feed and change your child your child feels safer with you.

So you could say all this, just because sometimes some people really need it spelling out. But ultimately, it’s not your fault he didn’t get this on his own and it’s not your job to make him understand.

I think he contributes by existing in the same house, and it sounds like he feeds himself sometimes now? What a total waster.

That’s exactly what I was trying to say.

Women need to not be scared to bring up the fact men aren’t pulling their weight because they’ll be told they’re nagging.

@pondscaters "You cannot force someone to be the person you want them to be, you can only be the person you want to be, and it’s not your job to change anyone unless they so wish."

This nails it ^

But the OP does have choices (as we all do) as to whether she tolerates it or not, or stays or not.

Unless it was OPs wedding you were at, the relevance of those particular vows isn't clear. You've no idea what was said at her wedding.

OP's husband gives her the ick because he is an absolutely useless and selfish husband and father. OP has told us about his total lack of support when she had a new born baby:

He took 2 solo week long holidays I asked him not to go on as I was struggling plus a totally optional 2 week work trip when our baby was only 3 weeks old. He actually gave up part of his paternity leave voluntarily (he was not pressured in any way). He trained and ran for a marathon. He also started a part time masters. All this in the first 10 months of baby's life. So you can see how much free time he had.

He takes no responsibility for baby (now toddler)'s food. He has dairy and egg allergies so it's not as simple as feeding him just anything.

He has taken him out once in 15 months to a playground. Took him for a walk around the block maybe 5 times.'

By remembering why she got married and accepting difference you actually mean that she should put up with the man she married being a completely useless husband and father. Remembering her wedding vows won't help her. Getting rid of this pointless liability of a man will.

Hi op you need to tell him you’re not having more kids and be honest and tell him why. You say you don’t want to split up the family but you are going to struggle getting over the resentment you have. maybe you should do couples counselling so you can be straight with each other and some individual counselling as it’s not fair to your mental health doing your job and everything else and he sits on his arse and gets to go away, some men just can’t cope with the responsibility of a child and they seem to think it’s ok to have the life they had originally but it’s not how parenting works. It’s bloody hard work and you have to put yourself last to the dc.

Having reread your more recent update it's actually clear that he hasn't really got better yet. I would imagine if he had had a complete turnaround and was now a proper equal parent it would be easier to start to let go of some resentment, but he is not! When I say my DH sorted himself out I mean that I could for example go out for the whole day with friends without doing any pre-preparation and he would know how to and be perfectly happy to dress, feed, bathe, and care for our baby/toddler solo for the whole day with no need for guidance from me. And I would come home and all would be calm and as normal if a little untidy! If you can't do this, he is still not stepping up, and maybe he never will.

Hi @TiredToddlerMum876
I was wondering how you are doing now?
I have come across your post just now and read all of the responses.
I am a mum of 2 and had a husband just like yours, so this has resonated with me. My children are older than yours and my resentment started when the first was born, due to v.similar situation to yours, plus a few periods of bad health for me where my husband would explode with rage at the idea of having to 'do' some parenting whilst I was in hospital for a week. I tried to discuss how this was effecting me and us, how let down and unsupported I felt, how exhausting it was. He would not even acknowledge it, never mind ever getting an apology. He would usually deflect and deny, would say things like 'how hard is it to put a wash on?' or 'Get used to cooking, you've got another 18 years of it', or would accuse me of being a nag. These feelings built and built while I tried to get on with life in the best way I could. Hoping things would get better, that I would get better at managing the situation, that it was my inability to cope, compared myself to other women that looked like they had it all together and nothing fazed them., that he would one day see /accept what I was dealing with, that he would apologise and see my worth/value. I've also allowed myself to become financially controlled as I went part time after my second and my husband has 'managed' all of the finances, including how much money I have access to. My time has been dictated to and controlled in all of the ways you have mentioned, fitting around them, their hobbies, their work.

As one of the previous poster above predicted, My husband of 14 years has just left me, essentially for another woman, but his official story that he's telling people, is saying he's been unhappy for years, that 'we' have split up, that he knows I'm unhappy with him, that's its for the best, that he knows I'm resentful towards him, doesn't want to try counselling (i'd suggested this before, either individual or couples, but he wouldn't). We've had a do-er upper house that he insisted on, but he's washed his hands of that too and moved into a new build. Left me a seething ball of bitterness and resentment that I'm struggling so much with. Walked off into the sunset, seeing the kids for little snippets of time, for pizza and short trips to the park, all fitting around his nights out/days out/hobbies Telling people 'we' had split up because 'we' were not happy, no doubt slagging me off for being the nagging bitch of a wife, and omitting to tell people he's had an affair and the OW has also left her husband too.
I am slowly trying to un-attach from him, I've started counselling, I'm on medication to try to help me sleep and control my feelings. I know I am doormat and I've allowed myself to be. I am on the floor at the moment.
I hope you are doing okay. I wanted to tell you the above as I don't want this to happen to another women.
I would recommend cards on the table, tell him you are going to leave in one years time and he has to get counselling with you, so that both of you are trying your hardest and throwing everything at the marriage to make it work.
I am really sorry you are going through this. Sending strength xxx

i can’t believe the usual leave him your marriage is over comments please do not listen to them.

my H was the same when the kids where babies & im not justifying it by no means. It’s shit. My first was a nightmare baby but a dream toddler. She was a placid happy to sit & colour & have snuggles. I could get a lot done. My husband was more than happy to be the parent that would run after her & be all bent over whilst she learnt to walk when we were out and about. I got to socialise more at family & friend functions than he did. Yet I was left holding a screaming baby for the first 6 months. Then we had our boy, who in truth was an angel baby. He was zero work. Fed & slept for the first 6 months. Then at 1 all hell broke lose & it went to shit. I was literally holding the baby I resented my H. I never slept & never once got a lie-in. It was so bad that even my MIL & SIL told him he was being a shit husband.

if I thought I had a hard then my son started walking & not only did I have a baby that didn’t sleep I had a child who would not sit. He worked out all the safety harnesses. He could unbuckle the high chair the car seat & could even turn a key in a door to open it. He knew the safety locks on the kitchen doors & a stair gate & cot he’d happily fling himself over them. It was more dangerous having the safety things in place than it was to leave it. I had to take down stair gates & the cot. Yet at 15 months my H then came into his own. When he wasn’t working my kids were at the park, swimming & being played with constantly he turned into a great dad. A man I couldn’t wish more to have had my kids with. I still resent him a little for the past but he really is the best dad now. My daughter is 20 & at uni, despite my H being incredibly busy will still take time to read her assignments when she asks. My son has first refusal of his dad’s time. If he wants to go biking, play golf or even to go to the cinema my H will make that his first priority. I’m not saying your H is the same as mine. But my H was crap in the baby years. He was better when they became more communicative & reactive. If I had left my H I would have regretted it massively im sure. He is now a fantastic H & a wonderful dad. Please don’t give up on your marriage & family over a blip in time not when everything else is ok. Even if you decide to not have another child. You’ll get over this hump. Especially if he mans up in the dad department.

Mine was a bit shit with dd, never got up in the night with her (even at weekends) - that was my job as on maternity leave. Baby 2, stepped up massively and has been brilliant with them since then.

You haven’t read the thread. He can’t parent now. He never parents, he only sometimes assists in bathtime and bedtime as long as the op is there. He doesn’t cook food for his child’s allergies, so he cooks and then the op has to cook something his child can actually eat. He is genuinely a shit dad and a shit partner. She has the ick because he’s absolutely shit and she cannot trust him with his child. I hope the op has started prioritising herself much more and working out the future. She may not have left as she doesn’t trust him with unsupervised contact, quite reasonably.

I've just found your thread @TiredToddlerMum876 and I am furious on your behalf.
That he chose to go away for work for 2 weeks leaving you with your 3 week old baby is just outrageous! Gave up some paternity leave, and another two weeks away on holiday - I'm gobsmacked. Who does that?!!
I'm surprised you can even look at him tbh- he let you (and your baby) down, massively. Of course you wouldn't want to have another baby with him.
I do wonder how you are all doing now. I hope you are more at ease, whatever your current family situation. 💐

Thanks. We're doing a bit better but not by much. He does cook now, I'd say he cooks 60% of the meals. He also takes him out here and there although I have to ask 5 times and really insist and have an argument before he actually does it every single time. He has never voluntarily left the house with the toddler of his own accord.

I also nag him to do even more stuff around the house which is successful maybe 30% of the time.

Basically I keep putting my foot down, never relent. It's freed me up a bit and toddler is sleeping now so I have more headspace to think and assert myself but he's getting fed up.

To be honest, the way I see things is I'll keep nagging him to do stuff, he'll get fed up and he'll probably leave me by the end of the year. Which will be fine by me.

Aww bless you. You shouldn’t have to nag.
Have you sat him down and told him how you are feeling? It Might help 💐

God help you.
This stress is not goid for your health.
Please mind yourself.
Tell family and friends the truth, so yoj havd support.
Start getting organised by buying prepaid cards and getting legal advice.
Get ahead of this.
He's a loser and life will bd better without him.

Thank you for the update OP. It sounds exhausting, but at least you are getting him to do something...
Good luck with what lies ahead. 💐