Page 3 | Getting over resentment with DH, 1 year old DS

TiredToddlerMum876 · 2025-10-27T14:35:01+00:00

I am finding myself being quite harsh and snappy with my DH and, while I know I am unreasonable in the moment, I don't know how to get over it. We have a 15 month old DS, I've been working full time since he was 6 months and I am the higher earner who works longer hours (for context) and basically, DH just wasn't great in that first year. He's a lot better now, because DS is easier obviously, we have a nanny, he is trying much harder (after some almighty fights and tears) and I am standing my ground very very firmly on a daily basis and not letting him get away with being shit. But I can't get over it. I just feel so incredibly disappointed with him, as a man and as a father. He let me down at my hardest and now he's trying harder, and we should be happy but I look at him and feel nothing. He will not admit he was wrong, he says babies just need their mums and he did loads and he did more than other dads who do fuck all and that's that. So I will never get an acknowledgment or apology, which would help I think. A stranger on the train asked us yesterday if we wanted more kids (we were making conversation on long journey) and DH said "oh yes absolutely , would love a second" and I thought "not with you, I'm not".

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/10/2025 20:55

Fucking hell if this is his 'doing better', he must have been awful when your son was a baby.

Original poster

TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 21:12

He is very, very good and patient with DS, I will say that. I don't think I would be better off as a single parent, that would be awful and very hard.

I need to do some soul searching and maybe counselling.

I struggle because at work and with friends I am seen as quite "bossy", I think people would be surprised with how much I put up with from DH.

We recently visited and stayed with my parents for a few weeks and my mum actually pulled me aside to ask if something is wrong as DH just sits there and does nothing and she was under the impression he was amazing with DS. I lied and said it's just tricky being under the same roof as your in-laws and he's not sure what to do....

Because he plays with DS and DS adores him, people are under the impression he's super dad.

OP posts:

JadziaD · 27/10/2025 21:20

He is very, very good and patient with DS, I will say that. I don't think I would be better off as a single parent, that would be awful and very hard.

1 this is the bare minimum
2 it's easy to be good and patient and play with a baby when that is ALL you have to do with the baby. I am endlessly patient and loving with my various nephews and nieces. Because I don't have to be thinking abot what food they can eat, do they need a nappy change, what's the nap schedule, are they going to wake me up 15 times tonight etc. It was a lot harder with my own DC when I just wanted a freaking break sometimes.

ThisChirpyFox · 27/10/2025 21:32

TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 18:03

He took 2 solo week long holidays I asked him not to go on as I was struggling plus a totally optional 2 week work trip when our baby was only 3 weeks old. He actually gave up part of his paternity leave voluntarily (he was not pressured in any way). He trained and ran for a marathon. He also started a part time masters. All this in the first 10 months of baby's life. So you can see how much free time he had.

He takes no responsibility for baby (now toddler)'s food. He has dairy and egg allergies so it's not as simple as feeding him just anything.

He has taken him out once in 15 months to a playground. Took him for a walk around the block maybe 5 times.

He watches him a lot as long as I'm around. Is there for every bath and bedtime (but never alone).

He's a glorified babysitter basically.

Can count on one hand how often he has done laundry.

Does cook often for us (and 90% of the time forgets not to put butter or cheese or hot chillis (he loves super spicy food) so we can't set aside some for baby's dinner so I have to make it then).

Show quote history

Op from all of that and you returning to work, being the main earner, main carer of your dc and having full responsibility of their food or allergies it is totally understandable why you cannot get past this.

My question to you is do you think you could do it better or the same in your own? If so why do you want to stay for the sake of your dc? The man doesn't even care enough to apologise and has the gall to announce that you want/will have more children.

Eastie77Returns · 27/10/2025 22:10

TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 18:03

He took 2 solo week long holidays I asked him not to go on as I was struggling plus a totally optional 2 week work trip when our baby was only 3 weeks old. He actually gave up part of his paternity leave voluntarily (he was not pressured in any way). He trained and ran for a marathon. He also started a part time masters. All this in the first 10 months of baby's life. So you can see how much free time he had.

He takes no responsibility for baby (now toddler)'s food. He has dairy and egg allergies so it's not as simple as feeding him just anything.

He has taken him out once in 15 months to a playground. Took him for a walk around the block maybe 5 times.

He watches him a lot as long as I'm around. Is there for every bath and bedtime (but never alone).

He's a glorified babysitter basically.

Can count on one hand how often he has done laundry.

Does cook often for us (and 90% of the time forgets not to put butter or cheese or hot chillis (he loves super spicy food) so we can't set aside some for baby's dinner so I have to make it then).

Show quote history

Once in 15 months to a playground and a handful of times around the block? What happens if you tell him to take DS out?

When he makes food with butter or cheese, what would happen if you just told him to make a suitable meal for DS instead of doing it yourself?

You sound incredibly switched on so I’m trying to work out how this situation has come about and why it’s still continuing. You say he’s great with your DS now but obviously he’s not since he still does fuck all with him, to the point your relatives have noticed that he sits and does nothing. Why are you worried about saving your marriage with this poor excuse for a father? I don’t see how you can move past the resentment when he still isn’t stepping up. I mean I’m sure he’s incredibly patient with DS and plays nicely with him. It must be easy to do so when he expends zero energy doing anything else for him.

ThisChirpyFox · 27/10/2025 22:47

Eastie77Returns · 27/10/2025 22:10

Once in 15 months to a playground and a handful of times around the block? What happens if you tell him to take DS out?

When he makes food with butter or cheese, what would happen if you just told him to make a suitable meal for DS instead of doing it yourself?

You sound incredibly switched on so I’m trying to work out how this situation has come about and why it’s still continuing. You say he’s great with your DS now but obviously he’s not since he still does fuck all with him, to the point your relatives have noticed that he sits and does nothing. Why are you worried about saving your marriage with this poor excuse for a father? I don’t see how you can move past the resentment when he still isn’t stepping up. I mean I’m sure he’s incredibly patient with DS and plays nicely with him. It must be easy to do so when he expends zero energy doing anything else for him.

Show quote history

This op and you lied to your family for him.

Why do you still want to be with him?

Plus your statements about him stepping up, doing better and being a good dad don't match with what little you say he does for them.

Wake up OP. Your mum bringing that up should have been a wake up call. Are you not embarrassed that you lied to her to make him sound better?

Bonden · 27/10/2025 23:24

BallerinaRadio · 27/10/2025 16:15

You seem to hold a lot of resentment for "just not great" that makes it sound like he could have been much worse. If you want to stay together for your son you're going to have to move past it.

You admit he's better now, so if you do want to stay together you have to work with him if he is improving.

The first baby is fucking hard work it can kill a marriage dead if you let it

Yeah well he should be cognisant of this too.

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/10/2025 23:24

TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 21:12

He is very, very good and patient with DS, I will say that. I don't think I would be better off as a single parent, that would be awful and very hard.

I need to do some soul searching and maybe counselling.

I struggle because at work and with friends I am seen as quite "bossy", I think people would be surprised with how much I put up with from DH.

We recently visited and stayed with my parents for a few weeks and my mum actually pulled me aside to ask if something is wrong as DH just sits there and does nothing and she was under the impression he was amazing with DS. I lied and said it's just tricky being under the same roof as your in-laws and he's not sure what to do....

Because he plays with DS and DS adores him, people are under the impression he's super dad.

Of course he's patient with him. As you say, he's just a glorified babysitter. When it gets hard, he bails as he's already shown you.

MouldyCandy · 27/10/2025 23:25

I didn't. I remember asking Ex for help with baby when I was really struggling and he said, "you wanted a baby - suck it up". I'm not sure there's any coming back once you realise you've chosen a crap partner to raise a child with.

Rosiedayss · 27/10/2025 23:31

Well done for having the sense not to have more with this loser.
He let you truly down and now you know that you can never unsee it.
You have changed and that is it.
Take your time, see the baby through to 3 and starting pre school and see how you feel.
Don't waste your life with him, he doesn't deserve you.
You can co parent well.
Tell your mother the truth.
He's a loser.

toonananana · 27/10/2025 23:51

Mine was like that and it just got worse (we’re in the middle of an acrimonious divorce atm). Get your ‘ducks in a row’ time.

Mewling · 28/10/2025 00:09

I had a similarly useless deadbeat ex. I remember DC and I being ill with the flu whilst he was working away. Understood when he said he was unable to come back early, despite my being unable to stand long enough to cook, and my nearly passing out at home. When he got back on the Friday evening he went straight to the pub: “there’s no point in sitting in here watching the two of you being unwell”.

Single parenting is not as awful or as hard as being with him was. DC and I have a lovely life together. He remains a shitbag human being, incapable of prioritising anyone’s needs over his own.

ByeByeThyroid · 28/10/2025 00:25

Just get a divorce. Your child will be far happier with a mother who doesn’t have 2 children . One being a grown man.

BluntPlumHam · 28/10/2025 00:36

It sounds like you’ve lost respect for him. Did you want to go back after 6 months or would you have preferred to stay off longer ? You mentioned you’re the higher earner, is there resentment there that he isn’t pulling his with financially nor domestically.

A lot of threads here have a similar theme where the woman is the higher earner and as soon as a child enters the picture they find that they are spinning way too many plates whilst husband/dad is doing bare minimum. I can understand why you’d lose respect for
him.

sittingonabeach · 28/10/2025 00:43

Well he hasn’t actually stepped up in anyway, parenting or household chores. Not sure life would be harder for you without him. Might be harder for him on the days he has DS. Definitely don’t have another child with him, sorry @TiredToddlerMum876

Frankenbetty · 28/10/2025 04:01

He’s done a number on you

99bottlesofkombucha · 28/10/2025 04:11

TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 18:03

He took 2 solo week long holidays I asked him not to go on as I was struggling plus a totally optional 2 week work trip when our baby was only 3 weeks old. He actually gave up part of his paternity leave voluntarily (he was not pressured in any way). He trained and ran for a marathon. He also started a part time masters. All this in the first 10 months of baby's life. So you can see how much free time he had.

He takes no responsibility for baby (now toddler)'s food. He has dairy and egg allergies so it's not as simple as feeding him just anything.

He has taken him out once in 15 months to a playground. Took him for a walk around the block maybe 5 times.

He watches him a lot as long as I'm around. Is there for every bath and bedtime (but never alone).

He's a glorified babysitter basically.

Can count on one hand how often he has done laundry.

Does cook often for us (and 90% of the time forgets not to put butter or cheese or hot chillis (he loves super spicy food) so we can't set aside some for baby's dinner so I have to make it then).

Show quote history

Of course you can’t move past it, he’s not really any better if he can’t even feed his own child??! I’d say we will separate maximum one year from now unless this marriage has supported me to have two weeks long of solo holidays (they don’t each have to be a week) and I can’t currently even leave our child for a few hours now as you can’t even be trusted to cook him a meal that won’t poison him, so it seems the outcome is decided unless you put in a boatload of effort to actually be a dad, starting now. If I can’t imagine leaving him with you for 4 days in 6 months I’m just going to call it- you don’t love him, it’s not possible you love your tiny child if you won’t care for them or even feed them, and I need you out of my life.

99bottlesofkombucha · 28/10/2025 04:12

The two weeks bit is you deciding how the marriage has to repay you for you to feel like you hang in there. In your shoes I’d need that - minimum 14 nights solo.

InterestedDad37 · 28/10/2025 04:17

He's shown you what he's like, and what he's (not) capable of. Stick with your gut feeling. Don't just stay together for the child, you also need to think about yourself.

ThatPeachScroller · 28/10/2025 04:24

I’d be out the door OP. He can’t acknowledge or apologise for how utterly shit he has been because he thinks he’s done nothing wrong! I would not be having sex with this man again as I wouldn’t want to risk having another baby with him!

Wallywobbles · 28/10/2025 04:34

I can only say my awful exh was better than this. Your H is a total prick. Divorce was amazing for me. I got every other weekend off which meant I could take care of myself better.
me and the DC had an amazing adventure. They were 2&3 when we got divorced.

captaincorellistrumpet · 28/10/2025 04:50

I don't get your DH OP.
He says "babies need their mums" but was quite happy for you to engage a nanny so you could go back to work after 6 months? Makes no sense.

Does he now see the nanny as an excuse for him to op out of parenting his child?

He obviously doesn't see a problem.

He sounds like one of these DHs that can't see that various household jobs need doing.

I'm not sure how you can fix that.

Thepossibility · 28/10/2025 04:56

I was going to suggest couples counselling but after reading your updates I would suggest divorce, because fuck that shit. Useless man. I would spend my days hating him too and that is no life. He wasn't just useless in that first year, he was actively trying his hardest to be absent! Just no.

NJLX2021 · 28/10/2025 04:59

People have covered a lot, but the one thing I'd add is be careful with how you view future children.

On the one hand, yes - don't have more, because he won't help and you will resent him more...

On the other hand if you do want more, and don't have them because of him - you'll still end up resenting him for that.

Personally, I was somewhat in your shoes, and although medical issues meant that the second child wasn't possible in the end, I had somewhat come to the acceptance that I wanted it, knowing full well my partner wouldn't be able to do that much to help (not entirely their fault, medical issues involved) and that it would be unfair on me. In the end on balance, I still wanted a second, and felt that to deprive myself of that would be more unfair, than having the child and taking on an unfair load of the childcare.

Nestingbirds · 28/10/2025 05:34

You say you feel nothing for him. I would have encouraged you to stay and work things out, but if you feel
nothing and numb, then in my view it’s too late, you have checked out. I don’t blame you if you have felt unloved and uncared for so long.

You are only 37 and very young, you don’t have to settle for this for two more decades, sacrificing your life op. Your son will adjust and it’s easier the younger he is.

There is no scenario at all where I would have another child, so good on you for fixing that. Your dh seems in cloud cuckoo land to imagine you would want more children given what you have said.