Page 6 | Getting over resentment with DH, 1 year old DS

TiredToddlerMum876 · 2025-10-27T14:35:01+00:00

I am finding myself being quite harsh and snappy with my DH and, while I know I am unreasonable in the moment, I don't know how to get over it. We have a 15 month old DS, I've been working full time since he was 6 months and I am the higher earner who works longer hours (for context) and basically, DH just wasn't great in that first year. He's a lot better now, because DS is easier obviously, we have a nanny, he is trying much harder (after some almighty fights and tears) and I am standing my ground very very firmly on a daily basis and not letting him get away with being shit. But I can't get over it. I just feel so incredibly disappointed with him, as a man and as a father. He let me down at my hardest and now he's trying harder, and we should be happy but I look at him and feel nothing. He will not admit he was wrong, he says babies just need their mums and he did loads and he did more than other dads who do fuck all and that's that. So I will never get an acknowledgment or apology, which would help I think. A stranger on the train asked us yesterday if we wanted more kids (we were making conversation on long journey) and DH said "oh yes absolutely , would love a second" and I thought "not with you, I'm not".

jacks11 · 28/10/2025 08:00

TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 15:25

@Ambergold9752 yes, the family i wanted has been taken away from me too. I think some women are more capable of putting up with everything. Maybe if I hadn't gone back to work so early and I didn't carry the financial burden as well, I'd feel different. Or not, maybe I'd just feel even more vulnerable. Who knows.

I have made an appointment to fit the mirena coil next week. I'm 37 so if I fit this now, I am not ever getting pregnant again as it's a 5 year thing. I know you can get it out early but this is my way of saying fuck it, no more, won't consider it.

But my marriage remains a problem. I want to stay together for DS' sake.

Edited

I think you are wrong to stay for DS’s sake when you are so unhappy and resentful. You say you are unpleasant and snappy with your DH because of your resentment and feel “nothing” towards your husband. If that is true, and does not change, what kind of atmosphere do you think your son is going to grow up in? What kind of marriage do you think you will have if you are silently seething (i’m not saying that your anger and resentment is misplaced, given what you have said) and being unpleasant to your husband, regardless of how he behaves now, and where you have no positive feelings of love, affection or even friendship towards your spouse? Is that the life you want? Is that the life you want for any of you?

The reality is that if you continue on this path, your marriage will most likely slowly (or perhaps not so slowly) fall apart. Your disdain and resentment will stay, until he resents you for your behaviour to him now, and then you’ll both resent each other, until one you decides enough is enough (or finds someone else), or perhaps your feelings will turn into apathy. Eventually, possibly after a lot of hurt and pain, one of you will have enough and leave. But it will probably be messy and your son will be caught up in that mess. Or, you’ll resentfully stay together wishing you could be anywhere else. That is not a life for you, for your husband or for your son.

I think you have a choice to make- work on your marriage (and that takes two of you, so not placing blame or burden on you) or accept your relationship is over. You can’t keep going as you are- you are hurting yourself, and your husband, and cementing the foundation of an extremely unhappy marriage in the long-term, and a strained home. You won’t be able to hide these feelings, or the atmosphere created, from your son no matter how hard you try. Don’t kid yourself that you can and it will be fine. It won’t.

If you do genuinely want to stay together, I think you need couples counselling or some sort of help for him to acknowledge your feelings about the past and his behaviour, and for you to find away to put the past behind you and move on. If one or both of you can’t or won’t work on your relationship, you should end your marriage.

VanyaV · 28/10/2025 08:03

Brassknucks · 28/10/2025 07:46

I honestly couldn’t get over the resentment. A close friend has a husband who became brainwashed by Andrew Tate during her pregnancy and he’s 3 years into being a father and is yet to change a nappy, get up of a night or do a bath. And the baby has additional medical needs. But he has told friend the day their baby was born he would want 50/50 so to get no ideas. She is trapped with this absolute loser who has no interest in their child and refuses to learn how to prepare their baby’s special meals etc and the one time she left them alone he gave the baby something dangerous (think allowing a snickers bar to chew on for a baby with a peanut allergy) and had her mum not popped in on a whim the outcome may have been catastrophic. I appreciate that many women are stuck with useless men out of fear their useless husbands will get 50% custody and their child will be neglected 50% of the time. It’s a very flawed system forcing women into staying in relationships they don’t want to be in.

Actually, the system is changing. Hopefully for the better, and no longer assuming 50/50 is in the child’s best interests:

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cx2lxgp58j5o.amp

Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer, wearing a dark suit and purple and white tie, with his hand on the shoulder of campaigner Claire Throssell, wearing a sleeveless purple top.

Family court law on parental contact for children to change - BBC News

It is not known when the law will change, but the move has been welcomed by domestic abuse charities.

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cx2lxgp58j5o.amp

Lilactimes · 28/10/2025 08:05

I really really feel for you @TiredToddlerMum876 . I was a lone parent but a high earner and toddler years were exhausting. However I was able to pay for help and it was done how I wanted - I didn’t have to nag. The extra toll nagging takes on you is so tough.

i agree with the other posters who’ve suggested counselling as a last ditch attempt.

Some successful couples I know have divided jobs vertically - eg laundry for one person, daily cooking for the other. One cleans/ tidies upstairs the other downstairs. Cars - completely one person including repairs/ tax insurance etc. They have a list of all main jobs - they divide them completely with NO sharing and never deviate and dont step in to help. They also don’t judge.
(Have an emergency pair of pants and see how bad it gets??) Then it’s very clear and they can never use that lame ass excuse they were “just about to” and you have clear evidence in counselling how incompetent he is.

I was married once and on our first wedding anniversary my mum had open heart surgery. My ex had a family party to attend and we agreed that was fine as I would be better on my own looking after my dad and taking him to visit mum when she came out of surgery. However, I heard nothing from him all day. When I saw my mum as she was in post op intensive care, I felt really wobbly and tried to phone him. Couldn’t get through. His phone was off. He eventually rang at 11pm.
i was so hurt and when i said as much later i got one of those apologies that are full of irritation “look i said i was sorry, i can’t change the past, I would if I could” kind of apology.
When I finally left our marriage and he was sobbing on the ground, I said this is where the rot set in. And then he apologised…. And boy did he apologise with genuine heart felt remorse. How he’d thought about it and realised he’d been cruel not checking up throughout the day and supporting me.

It was too late then.

Sounds to me like you’re married to an ineffective man child. And you’re a successful go getting competant woman.

if counselling, strategies for clear chore division don’t work you will cope better on your own. X x

YourOliveBalonz · 28/10/2025 08:08

Why didn’t you tell your mum the truth OP? Are you protecting him so she doesn’t think less of him? I think it would be a good idea to talk to people in your life. I was also thinking counselling would be a good idea, but I’m not sure if he would change his behaviours as a result. In terms of growing resentment though I think covering for him and aiding an image that he’s a great dad will just increase your resentment.

BountifulPantry · 28/10/2025 08:22

A marathon and a masters in the first year of his child’s life?

Jesus wept who are these men??? Of all the years of his life. Of all the years, he chose that year to do both. Wow. Talk about being abandoned.

thepariscrimefiles · 28/10/2025 08:30

TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 21:12

He is very, very good and patient with DS, I will say that. I don't think I would be better off as a single parent, that would be awful and very hard.

I need to do some soul searching and maybe counselling.

I struggle because at work and with friends I am seen as quite "bossy", I think people would be surprised with how much I put up with from DH.

We recently visited and stayed with my parents for a few weeks and my mum actually pulled me aside to ask if something is wrong as DH just sits there and does nothing and she was under the impression he was amazing with DS. I lied and said it's just tricky being under the same roof as your in-laws and he's not sure what to do....

Because he plays with DS and DS adores him, people are under the impression he's super dad.

Why are you protecting him by lying to your mum?

You are obviously a very loving mum and an extremely capable woman with a high earning job.

You would definitely cope being a single parent and you will find a lot of things much easier when you no longer have to keep up the pretence that he brings anything to your marriage. He is an utterly lazy dad and it's really easy to be kind and loving to a small child if you don't take any responsibility for doing any of the more difficult and stressful bits of parenting. I presume that he has never got up in the night so will always be well rested. He doesn't even carry the responsibility of being the major breadwinner. You are better than him at everything.

Are you scared about him having to look after DS on his own if you separate? Do you think that he won't keep your child safe? That's the only valid reason I can see for your reluctance to leave him.

Stifledlife · 28/10/2025 08:34

My ex was like this. As time went on his minimum effort got lower and lower and, like boiling a frog, my tolerance for it got higher and higher. Eventually (many many years later) he left and for me it was like taking off a tight pair of shoes.

I had to spend so much time and energy not bruising his ego by asking if the bins had been put out, or the dogs had been walked, or any one of the other myriad things he would say "leave it to me" over, that when he finally left being able to just do it instead of carrying the mental load of knowing it needed to be done, but knowing it hadn't, was such a relief.

He was like that with our children too. The good time dad. Never there for the hard work, or the boring bits, or the bits you needed infinite patience for, but always around for the fun parts where he would be congratulated by his whole family for being such a good dad.

Then he left and the kids chose me.. unequivocally. They said I was the one who was there for them. I was the one who helped them. I was the one they loved and needed. I was the one they knew.

Now, he sees his children when he organises it and they have time or inclination. They are polite and friendly to him, and they have a laugh but they are like "blokes down the pub" not his children.

Bear with his parenting because he doesn't realise that he's emotionally investing and there won't be rewards down the line. I'm not sure putting up with everything else is worth it. Just look at my username. That's how I felt for the longest time. The longer you leave it the harder it gets.. bear that in mind, and ask yourself what is he actually bringing to the party?

You are stonger than you know and you and your child may well be happier and more successful without a growth sapping your strength, confidence, and mental energy.

Thatsalineallright · 28/10/2025 08:45

TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 18:03

He took 2 solo week long holidays I asked him not to go on as I was struggling plus a totally optional 2 week work trip when our baby was only 3 weeks old. He actually gave up part of his paternity leave voluntarily (he was not pressured in any way). He trained and ran for a marathon. He also started a part time masters. All this in the first 10 months of baby's life. So you can see how much free time he had.

He takes no responsibility for baby (now toddler)'s food. He has dairy and egg allergies so it's not as simple as feeding him just anything.

He has taken him out once in 15 months to a playground. Took him for a walk around the block maybe 5 times.

He watches him a lot as long as I'm around. Is there for every bath and bedtime (but never alone).

He's a glorified babysitter basically.

Can count on one hand how often he has done laundry.

Does cook often for us (and 90% of the time forgets not to put butter or cheese or hot chillis (he loves super spicy food) so we can't set aside some for baby's dinner so I have to make it then).

Show quote history

This is horrendous. No way would I be able to overlook the father of my child being so utterly unhelpful. He would need to apologise and fully change his behaviour or I would be out the door.

But I also understand wanting to stay for your ds' sake. But you surely don't want him to grow up to be like his dad. If you stay, make sure you teach your child to cook/do laundry/look after himself!

VanyaV · 28/10/2025 08:48

Stifledlife · 28/10/2025 08:34

My ex was like this. As time went on his minimum effort got lower and lower and, like boiling a frog, my tolerance for it got higher and higher. Eventually (many many years later) he left and for me it was like taking off a tight pair of shoes.

I had to spend so much time and energy not bruising his ego by asking if the bins had been put out, or the dogs had been walked, or any one of the other myriad things he would say "leave it to me" over, that when he finally left being able to just do it instead of carrying the mental load of knowing it needed to be done, but knowing it hadn't, was such a relief.

He was like that with our children too. The good time dad. Never there for the hard work, or the boring bits, or the bits you needed infinite patience for, but always around for the fun parts where he would be congratulated by his whole family for being such a good dad.

Then he left and the kids chose me.. unequivocally. They said I was the one who was there for them. I was the one who helped them. I was the one they loved and needed. I was the one they knew.

Now, he sees his children when he organises it and they have time or inclination. They are polite and friendly to him, and they have a laugh but they are like "blokes down the pub" not his children.

Bear with his parenting because he doesn't realise that he's emotionally investing and there won't be rewards down the line. I'm not sure putting up with everything else is worth it. Just look at my username. That's how I felt for the longest time. The longer you leave it the harder it gets.. bear that in mind, and ask yourself what is he actually bringing to the party?

You are stonger than you know and you and your child may well be happier and more successful without a growth sapping your strength, confidence, and mental energy.

How is life for you now?

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 28/10/2025 08:49

You have a nanny, so presumably there's not much for either of you to do ?

GinaDav · 28/10/2025 08:50

pointythings · 27/10/2025 14:55

I despair... First response trots out the old line of 'oh, the poor men can't help it that they aren't good with babies'. Yes, they can help it. It takes a little research and willpower.

If my late husband had been rubbish with our DC1 I wouldn't have had a second either. But back then, he was bloody great and fully stepped up.

I despair too. It’s perfectly acceptable for women to feel lost and not naturally good at parenting at first, but completely unacceptable for men not to know how to cope with becoming a parent. 🙄

Hellohelga · 28/10/2025 08:51

He sounds really selfish and unsupportive. You’ve only just begun parenting this child and there will be so many hurdles in the future. He will let you down every time and the resentment will grow. You’d be better off without him.

thepariscrimefiles · 28/10/2025 08:53

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 28/10/2025 08:49

You have a nanny, so presumably there's not much for either of you to do ?

I presume that the nanny just looks after DS when OP is at work. There is a lot for OP to do with/for her child when she isn't at work. Her DH does absolutely nothing.

Nanny0gg · 28/10/2025 08:53

TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 18:03

He took 2 solo week long holidays I asked him not to go on as I was struggling plus a totally optional 2 week work trip when our baby was only 3 weeks old. He actually gave up part of his paternity leave voluntarily (he was not pressured in any way). He trained and ran for a marathon. He also started a part time masters. All this in the first 10 months of baby's life. So you can see how much free time he had.

He takes no responsibility for baby (now toddler)'s food. He has dairy and egg allergies so it's not as simple as feeding him just anything.

He has taken him out once in 15 months to a playground. Took him for a walk around the block maybe 5 times.

He watches him a lot as long as I'm around. Is there for every bath and bedtime (but never alone).

He's a glorified babysitter basically.

Can count on one hand how often he has done laundry.

Does cook often for us (and 90% of the time forgets not to put butter or cheese or hot chillis (he loves super spicy food) so we can't set aside some for baby's dinner so I have to make it then).

Show quote history

He's worse than useless

I'm not seeing how staying with him will be for your DC's sake at all.

He's no role model and he's no partner

zaxxon · 28/10/2025 08:56

GinaDav · 28/10/2025 08:50

I despair too. It’s perfectly acceptable for women to feel lost and not naturally good at parenting at first, but completely unacceptable for men not to know how to cope with becoming a parent. 🙄

Show quote history

It's certainly unacceptable for men's response to "feeling lost at becoming a parent" to be, "Welp I'd better take more holidays and start a degree and train for a marathon as a way to ease my pain"

BernardButlersBra · 28/10/2025 08:57

1234gcj · 28/10/2025 06:03

I have also been in this exact situation, however we had 2 small children & DH worked away for extended periods. We argued immensely when back together as I felt he didn’t do his ‘fair share’ of childcare / still was able to do normal things like shower / go to the gym without feeling he had to ask permission (as I would do) and didn’t equally contribute to many (if any) household chores. I was also the main earner and responsible for all childcare drop offs and pick ups which contributed to resentment even more.

I do think on here people are quick to say ‘leave your husband’, but some people do not want to share time with their children & practically that isn’t always the best option. To some extent I see it as the option I chose and why should my children pay the price for that by being split between 2 homes.

Some steps I took to move past this phase:

Accept that the young child phase is naturally more where my strengths lie - DH will probably come into his own more as the DC get older & are more independent- that is okay, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with him, we just have different skill sets for dealing with children. Also accept that this allows me space to build a really strong bond with my children as they know they can really count on me.
Hand over some jobs to DH and then remove yourself entirely from those tasks. E.g. bath time - let him do this and do not go up to ‘check on him’ or make sure he’s doing it the way you would. I have realised I was quietly judging the way my DH did these things because he wasn’t doing them the way I would, but once I accepted that and let him get on with it I realised it was still fine. He got them done, just not the way I would.
more acceptance- don’t expect that everything HAS to be 50:50. This is an unpopular opinion, but you don’t actually have to do things entirely equally - just because DH has free time from your DC doesn’t mean you have to have the exact same amount. It also helped me to reframe in my head that I was treating looking after my DC as a chore and if I did X hours then DH should do the same so that it was fair, but the more I focused on actually enjoying my time with them, the less I saw it that way.
Try to reconnect with your DH and remind yourself why you actually liked him in the first place. Even if that is just having a no phones evening on the sofa once a week or putting your child in childcare for a day & taking a day of annual leave to spend together. It will remind you that you aren’t actually working against each other, you’re on the same team and it’s both of you learning how to manage the new responsibilities in a way the works for you.

Sorry that is long & may not be helpful to you, but it is some of the things that helped me x

Show quote history

This is like a step by step of how to be a pathetic door mat?! Why should OP have to suck up her husbands lazy shit behaviour

OneDayIWillLearn · 28/10/2025 08:58

1234gcj · 28/10/2025 06:03

I have also been in this exact situation, however we had 2 small children & DH worked away for extended periods. We argued immensely when back together as I felt he didn’t do his ‘fair share’ of childcare / still was able to do normal things like shower / go to the gym without feeling he had to ask permission (as I would do) and didn’t equally contribute to many (if any) household chores. I was also the main earner and responsible for all childcare drop offs and pick ups which contributed to resentment even more.

I do think on here people are quick to say ‘leave your husband’, but some people do not want to share time with their children & practically that isn’t always the best option. To some extent I see it as the option I chose and why should my children pay the price for that by being split between 2 homes.

Some steps I took to move past this phase:

Accept that the young child phase is naturally more where my strengths lie - DH will probably come into his own more as the DC get older & are more independent- that is okay, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with him, we just have different skill sets for dealing with children. Also accept that this allows me space to build a really strong bond with my children as they know they can really count on me.
Hand over some jobs to DH and then remove yourself entirely from those tasks. E.g. bath time - let him do this and do not go up to ‘check on him’ or make sure he’s doing it the way you would. I have realised I was quietly judging the way my DH did these things because he wasn’t doing them the way I would, but once I accepted that and let him get on with it I realised it was still fine. He got them done, just not the way I would.
more acceptance- don’t expect that everything HAS to be 50:50. This is an unpopular opinion, but you don’t actually have to do things entirely equally - just because DH has free time from your DC doesn’t mean you have to have the exact same amount. It also helped me to reframe in my head that I was treating looking after my DC as a chore and if I did X hours then DH should do the same so that it was fair, but the more I focused on actually enjoying my time with them, the less I saw it that way.
Try to reconnect with your DH and remind yourself why you actually liked him in the first place. Even if that is just having a no phones evening on the sofa once a week or putting your child in childcare for a day & taking a day of annual leave to spend together. It will remind you that you aren’t actually working against each other, you’re on the same team and it’s both of you learning how to manage the new responsibilities in a way the works for you.

Sorry that is long & may not be helpful to you, but it is some of the things that helped me x

Show quote history

@1234gcj I was also in a similar situation when my two children were little and your advice really rings true for what got us through things and put the other side too. The children are now 6 and 8, things are completely different and we are very happy together.

I also agree with what you say about point 3 - not that I think childcare has to be women’s work but when you are constantly thinking ‘is this 50:50?’ it can really rob the joy out of it. My husband does WAY more of the house and garden maintenance/ managing builders/ and actually house cleaning/ laundry than me too. I do feel overall that we are both people pulling our weight within the family and trying to make life nice for the other person and that matters more than whether everything is split 50:50.

I also think what really helped me was realising in that a lot of women didn’t have an ideal first year. I always imagined that modern husbands were there doing night feeds and bath time and giving their partners a lie-in at the weekend. Thinking about all these ideal modern dads when I was doing a lone bedtime with a 4 month old baby used to really enrage me. But as time has gone on I’ve realised quite a lot of people don’t have that experience- maybe because of jobs/ commutes/ unexpectedly becoming a single parent, sometimes just because of the partner not ‘stepping up’. Somehow knowing that I wasn’t the only one helped me make peace with it.

Stifledlife · 28/10/2025 08:59

VanyaV · 28/10/2025 08:48

How is life for you now?

Show quote history

It took a while. My children and friends were, and remain unbeliveably supportive.
My relationship with my children (and their partners) is very strong and I've rebuilt lots of friendships that had been quietly sidelined by my ex. Funnily enough a lot of HIS friends chose me and the children too.
Life is better. Different, but better.
I think the fear of the unknown is a prison of your own making sometimes

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/10/2025 09:01

I couldn’t get over it. We staggered on for quite a while but I couldn’t get over having been basically sold a lie by exh about how much he loved kids and how hands on he would be (he was an amazing uncle, I had no reason to think he’d be so utterly shit).

I couldn’t get over it and we are divorced now.

There were other reasons too but once the resentment was there, it was there.

sunshinestar1986 · 28/10/2025 09:01

TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 15:25

@Ambergold9752 yes, the family i wanted has been taken away from me too. I think some women are more capable of putting up with everything. Maybe if I hadn't gone back to work so early and I didn't carry the financial burden as well, I'd feel different. Or not, maybe I'd just feel even more vulnerable. Who knows.

I have made an appointment to fit the mirena coil next week. I'm 37 so if I fit this now, I am not ever getting pregnant again as it's a 5 year thing. I know you can get it out early but this is my way of saying fuck it, no more, won't consider it.

But my marriage remains a problem. I want to stay together for DS' sake.

Edited

Just a note on birth control,
you can still get pregnant at 42
You'll need to be careful until 45/47
My mum had last at 45 naturally.

Hellohelga · 28/10/2025 09:02

OneDayIWillLearn · 28/10/2025 08:58

@1234gcj I was also in a similar situation when my two children were little and your advice really rings true for what got us through things and put the other side too. The children are now 6 and 8, things are completely different and we are very happy together.

I also agree with what you say about point 3 - not that I think childcare has to be women’s work but when you are constantly thinking ‘is this 50:50?’ it can really rob the joy out of it. My husband does WAY more of the house and garden maintenance/ managing builders/ and actually house cleaning/ laundry than me too. I do feel overall that we are both people pulling our weight within the family and trying to make life nice for the other person and that matters more than whether everything is split 50:50.

I also think what really helped me was realising in that a lot of women didn’t have an ideal first year. I always imagined that modern husbands were there doing night feeds and bath time and giving their partners a lie-in at the weekend. Thinking about all these ideal modern dads when I was doing a lone bedtime with a 4 month old baby used to really enrage me. But as time has gone on I’ve realised quite a lot of people don’t have that experience- maybe because of jobs/ commutes/ unexpectedly becoming a single parent, sometimes just because of the partner not ‘stepping up’. Somehow knowing that I wasn’t the only one helped me make peace with it.

Show quote history

But did your DH go on two week long holidays without you and take up a time consuming hobby in the first ten months? Bet you wouldn’t be much happier now if he was that fundamentally selfish.

Lonemumallthetime · 28/10/2025 09:02

@TiredToddlerMum876 do you think he can redeem himself? My children's dad was abusive, terrifying once the kids were born. I pretty much did it all, and we split a year after. Not only was he a workaholic, but so so angry, so I was protecting them whilst trying to look after them. I had no choice but to upend my family and leave. So, tbh if hes a patient, kind man, id really look at all alternatives rather than leaving him. Its so hard doing it alone. You may think you do it anyway but you really don't.

zaxxon · 28/10/2025 09:05

I am seething on your behalf OP - he sounds incredibly frustrating.

Resentment breeds contempt, and contempt is the number one relationship -killer according to every article I've ever read. If you do get counselling, I'd recommend some solo sessions first, so you can really unload on to the therapist and let him or her know how you feel, without your DH sitting there getting defensive.

It also sounds like you don't really trust him with your DC, which is a serious problem.

Momentarylapseofsanity · 28/10/2025 09:05

Frankenbetty · 28/10/2025 04:01

He’s done a number on you

This is my concern too. OP has been the boiled frog for so long she hasn’t realised she’s now cooked.

OP, you say you want to keep the marriage together for the sake of your son. But he will grow up watching this dynamic, and he will repeat it. “Babies need their mums”. Weaponised incompetence such as not making the food right and you having to make babies food yourself. You will send a child in to the world who will think this is how men behave.

I know we all like to yell “leave the bastard” and it’s easy to say that when it’s not our bastard, but I’d ask yourself if this is how you are prepared to live the rest of your life.

Twiglets1 · 28/10/2025 09:06

TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 18:03

He took 2 solo week long holidays I asked him not to go on as I was struggling plus a totally optional 2 week work trip when our baby was only 3 weeks old. He actually gave up part of his paternity leave voluntarily (he was not pressured in any way). He trained and ran for a marathon. He also started a part time masters. All this in the first 10 months of baby's life. So you can see how much free time he had.

He takes no responsibility for baby (now toddler)'s food. He has dairy and egg allergies so it's not as simple as feeding him just anything.

He has taken him out once in 15 months to a playground. Took him for a walk around the block maybe 5 times.

He watches him a lot as long as I'm around. Is there for every bath and bedtime (but never alone).

He's a glorified babysitter basically.

Can count on one hand how often he has done laundry.

Does cook often for us (and 90% of the time forgets not to put butter or cheese or hot chillis (he loves super spicy food) so we can't set aside some for baby's dinner so I have to make it then).

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I can see from those examples that he really let you down badly, and his tiny son.

I wouldn't choose to have a second baby with someone so selfish either so I totally understand where you are coming from.

Re possible divorce in the future, I would just advise you not to feel you have to make any decisions quickly about that. Your husband is helpful to you and your son at the moment in some ways and it's still a tough time with your son being so young and you working full time. I would bide my time and revisit the idea of potential divorce during an easier phase of life.

He has been a poor partner and father, but not an awful person. I expect he could maintain a good relationship with his son if you do eventually separate.