Page 7 | Getting over resentment with DH, 1 year old DS

TiredToddlerMum876 · 2025-10-27T14:35:01+00:00

I am finding myself being quite harsh and snappy with my DH and, while I know I am unreasonable in the moment, I don't know how to get over it. We have a 15 month old DS, I've been working full time since he was 6 months and I am the higher earner who works longer hours (for context) and basically, DH just wasn't great in that first year. He's a lot better now, because DS is easier obviously, we have a nanny, he is trying much harder (after some almighty fights and tears) and I am standing my ground very very firmly on a daily basis and not letting him get away with being shit. But I can't get over it. I just feel so incredibly disappointed with him, as a man and as a father. He let me down at my hardest and now he's trying harder, and we should be happy but I look at him and feel nothing. He will not admit he was wrong, he says babies just need their mums and he did loads and he did more than other dads who do fuck all and that's that. So I will never get an acknowledgment or apology, which would help I think. A stranger on the train asked us yesterday if we wanted more kids (we were making conversation on long journey) and DH said "oh yes absolutely , would love a second" and I thought "not with you, I'm not".

OneDayIWillLearn · 28/10/2025 09:09

BernardButlersBra · 28/10/2025 08:57

This is like a step by step of how to be a pathetic door mat?! Why should OP have to suck up her husbands lazy shit behaviour

Show quote history

She doesn’t have to, I think anyone would understand and support her if she decides to leave. She actually asked for advice about how to get through it though, so I think it’s fair enough for people who have been through something similar to share their experience without getting insulted.

Poodleville · 28/10/2025 09:13

I don't think I would be better off as a single parent, that would be awful and very hard

If you are not on any level prepared to leave then I think you are condemning yourself to many more years of resentment and unhappiness - he will feel your fear to leave and never have a reason to have to up his game. Honestly, where would you draw the line?

If you think it can't get any worse just because your DC is getting older, you are wrong. Selfish men like that find fresh ways to betray and humiliate.

How would life as a single parent to be worse than what you are living now?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/10/2025 09:15

I was left by a useless man just before our baby arrived I suspect as he didn’t want to do the sleepless nights etc he was just a visitor for the hard bits then started terrorizing me with fathers for justice nonsense when baby was older and he had a girlfriend to help him
my child is now 2.5 and I really really feel so sad at the thought of not having another. Part of me wishes I’d had two or I’d got pregnant again and then left him so that I’d have two with the same dad and then just look for love only for myself later, now I need to look for love and someone who will get on with my son and someone who wants another child - can’t find him!
if you really want two children and you can afford nanny, maternity nurse etc in your shoes I would get pregnant before leaving him and then you have two, your children have each other to go between two homes with etc.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 28/10/2025 09:15

OP, I am raging from your updates.

I really think you should end the marriage. He isn’t a great parent or partner so what’s in it for you or DC staying with him?

You sound very capable whilst he sounds pathetic. I don’t know how you can bear to look at him.

Genuinely, speak to a divorce lawyer and get the ball rolling. He might step up and be a better parent once he doesn’t have you there to do everything for him.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/10/2025 09:16

Hankunamatata · 27/10/2025 16:11

Couples counselling. Myself and attended after 1st and 2nd child as we needed to get over some bumps. Best thing we ever did

It would only work if he cares about her feelings and can be accountable

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/10/2025 09:19

Brassknucks · 28/10/2025 07:46

I honestly couldn’t get over the resentment. A close friend has a husband who became brainwashed by Andrew Tate during her pregnancy and he’s 3 years into being a father and is yet to change a nappy, get up of a night or do a bath. And the baby has additional medical needs. But he has told friend the day their baby was born he would want 50/50 so to get no ideas. She is trapped with this absolute loser who has no interest in their child and refuses to learn how to prepare their baby’s special meals etc and the one time she left them alone he gave the baby something dangerous (think allowing a snickers bar to chew on for a baby with a peanut allergy) and had her mum not popped in on a whim the outcome may have been catastrophic. I appreciate that many women are stuck with useless men out of fear their useless husbands will get 50% custody and their child will be neglected 50% of the time. It’s a very flawed system forcing women into staying in relationships they don’t want to be in.

She needs to speak to a lawyer and find a way to evidence his incompetence
if he threatens 5050 then he can work up to it by becoming a competent father . He won’t.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/10/2025 09:24

Look up a thread ‘concerned about child’s father’s parenting’ which is on right now. The op is getting really harsh messages telling her she should have known and should have chose better. I find it really interesting that people are being (rightly) kind to op in this thread and not blaming her like how the other thread has gone and I’m wondering why. Is it because this op is married?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/10/2025 09:26

Poodleville · 28/10/2025 09:13

I don't think I would be better off as a single parent, that would be awful and very hard

If you are not on any level prepared to leave then I think you are condemning yourself to many more years of resentment and unhappiness - he will feel your fear to leave and never have a reason to have to up his game. Honestly, where would you draw the line?

If you think it can't get any worse just because your DC is getting older, you are wrong. Selfish men like that find fresh ways to betray and humiliate.

How would life as a single parent to be worse than what you are living now?

I agree
i dont Wish I was still with my lazy useless ex
i do wish I had baby 2 though

Gair · 28/10/2025 09:26

TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 18:03

He took 2 solo week long holidays I asked him not to go on as I was struggling plus a totally optional 2 week work trip when our baby was only 3 weeks old. He actually gave up part of his paternity leave voluntarily (he was not pressured in any way). He trained and ran for a marathon. He also started a part time masters. All this in the first 10 months of baby's life. So you can see how much free time he had.

He takes no responsibility for baby (now toddler)'s food. He has dairy and egg allergies so it's not as simple as feeding him just anything.

He has taken him out once in 15 months to a playground. Took him for a walk around the block maybe 5 times.

He watches him a lot as long as I'm around. Is there for every bath and bedtime (but never alone).

He's a glorified babysitter basically.

Can count on one hand how often he has done laundry.

Does cook often for us (and 90% of the time forgets not to put butter or cheese or hot chillis (he loves super spicy food) so we can't set aside some for baby's dinner so I have to make it then).

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That was extraordinarily selfish of him, and he continues not to step up as a parent. YANBU.

There have been instances in my marriage where I have felt DH did not sufficiently support me (e.g. during an acute health crisis), and this has eroded trust. However, DH has always been very hands on with our child. He also did his very best to take care of me post partum when I developed complications. I do not think I could forgive him if he had behaved like your husband. The optional 2 week trip when baby was 3 weeks old would have killed it for me.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do going forward.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/10/2025 09:26

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 28/10/2025 08:49

You have a nanny, so presumably there's not much for either of you to do ?

That’s like saying your child’s at nursery so you have nothing to do. Childcare onlu
covers working hours

Phobiaphobic · 28/10/2025 09:29

TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 18:03

He took 2 solo week long holidays I asked him not to go on as I was struggling plus a totally optional 2 week work trip when our baby was only 3 weeks old. He actually gave up part of his paternity leave voluntarily (he was not pressured in any way). He trained and ran for a marathon. He also started a part time masters. All this in the first 10 months of baby's life. So you can see how much free time he had.

He takes no responsibility for baby (now toddler)'s food. He has dairy and egg allergies so it's not as simple as feeding him just anything.

He has taken him out once in 15 months to a playground. Took him for a walk around the block maybe 5 times.

He watches him a lot as long as I'm around. Is there for every bath and bedtime (but never alone).

He's a glorified babysitter basically.

Can count on one hand how often he has done laundry.

Does cook often for us (and 90% of the time forgets not to put butter or cheese or hot chillis (he loves super spicy food) so we can't set aside some for baby's dinner so I have to make it then).

Show quote history

Gosh, OP. I would be fucking incandescent with rage about all this. How dare he. No wonder you can't get past it. Honestly, I think I would have to end the marriage over this.

1234gcj · 28/10/2025 09:30

BernardButlersBra · 28/10/2025 08:57

This is like a step by step of how to be a pathetic door mat?! Why should OP have to suck up her husbands lazy shit behaviour

Show quote history

She asked for advice on how to get over resentment & I am offering her suggestions based on my personal experience. Take it as you will, but I do believe that marriage takes work from both sides and neither party is going to be 100% perfect all the time. There are so many people quick to advise someone to leave their DH because of their actions in the first year of their baby’s lives - this is a really hard time for both parents. I agree her DH has made mistakes (the main one being an inability to apologise & recognise this himself), but I do think it’s sad that the default response is often to ‘divorce him’ rather than try to fix and move forward. Although I do know many will disagree with me there..

wfhwfh · 28/10/2025 09:32

You deserve a lot better, OP. You are young and successful - you dont have to settle for this.

Youre the main carer, main earner and youve got a nanny. As you say, he’s just a glorified babysitter. You would be ok just you and your son.

I am not saying dont work on your marriage - but you don’t have to settle for this. With a different husband, would you want a second child? If so, id definitely leave. Why make all these sacrifices for him.

On a trivial note, training for a marathon with a very young baby seems to be a hallmark of a deadbeat dad (with pretensions).

Phobiaphobic · 28/10/2025 09:34

I feel so bad for younger women now. You are constantly told you're on equal terms with your partners, you think you are a team, pulling together. You love them and trust them and think they will always have your back. Then you have a baby and discover the love of your life is a selfish, self-serving arsehole who doesn't pull his weight and doesn't give a shit how that impacts you.

Phobiaphobic · 28/10/2025 09:35

wfhwfh · 28/10/2025 09:32

You deserve a lot better, OP. You are young and successful - you dont have to settle for this.

Youre the main carer, main earner and youve got a nanny. As you say, he’s just a glorified babysitter. You would be ok just you and your son.

I am not saying dont work on your marriage - but you don’t have to settle for this. With a different husband, would you want a second child? If so, id definitely leave. Why make all these sacrifices for him.

On a trivial note, training for a marathon with a very young baby seems to be a hallmark of a deadbeat dad (with pretensions).

On a trivial note, training for a marathon with a very young baby seems to be a hallmark of a deadbeat dad (with pretensions).

Yes, I've noticed that too. It's all about me, me, gloriously fit me.

Americasfavouritefightingfrenchman · 28/10/2025 09:35

I think ultimately you can work to get over an instance of feeling your partner let you down but not so much a pattern of them never showing up. Your OH, by the sounds of it, is doing the bare minimum and insisting that’s fine as he could be worse. If you want to accept that and make the decision you’ll just expect to do all the childcare and anything he does is a bonus then that’s probably how you make it work. You can’t make someone else change really so you have options to

just leave
make an ultimatum about what needs to change (counselling to talk through how you feel, equal free time, dedicated family time, fair split of chores, acknowledgment from him of where he didn’t step up and a commitment to do better ongoing - really do better not just play nicely with the baby)
stay and seethe
decide to acknowledge he is limited and massively lower your expectations

Honestly I think anything but the second working out will end up with you eventually splitting up because even if you stop being mad or even disappointed about him not stepping up you will surely lose all respect for him in the process.

Gair · 28/10/2025 09:45

Praying4Peace · 27/10/2025 18:06

But your husband is now stepping up OP, so I suggest that he deserves a chance.
I understand your resentment OP but I know several people who have similar experience.
Please take care and acknowledge that he is trying

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He's not stepping up though is he? Only taken child to the park once alone and only does bath and bedtime under supervision. He does not sound as if it's safe to let him feed the child either, since he does not take the dairy allergy into account. Is this really an acceptable level of effort and care from a father? A mother showing this level of incompetence and selfishness would be harshly criticised and possibly reported to social services. The double standard is shocking!

Krakinou · 28/10/2025 09:48

TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 18:03

He took 2 solo week long holidays I asked him not to go on as I was struggling plus a totally optional 2 week work trip when our baby was only 3 weeks old. He actually gave up part of his paternity leave voluntarily (he was not pressured in any way). He trained and ran for a marathon. He also started a part time masters. All this in the first 10 months of baby's life. So you can see how much free time he had.

He takes no responsibility for baby (now toddler)'s food. He has dairy and egg allergies so it's not as simple as feeding him just anything.

He has taken him out once in 15 months to a playground. Took him for a walk around the block maybe 5 times.

He watches him a lot as long as I'm around. Is there for every bath and bedtime (but never alone).

He's a glorified babysitter basically.

Can count on one hand how often he has done laundry.

Does cook often for us (and 90% of the time forgets not to put butter or cheese or hot chillis (he loves super spicy food) so we can't set aside some for baby's dinner so I have to make it then).

Show quote history

Wow! Based on your first post I’d have said unreasonable, but this is not “not great” - it’s terrible! I’d have lost all respect for him. He needs to apologize and change massively, but if he can’t even admit he’s wrong it’s not going to happen.

Sunshineandoranges · 28/10/2025 09:49

Sartre · 27/10/2025 15:06

He’s given you the ick. The fact you look at him and feel nothing but sheer resentment says it all. I think your marriage is over.

I was at a wedding recently and listened to the vows. I must have missed the bit where it said if your husband gives you the ick, your marriage is over! How about try to talk to each other, how about remembering why you got married, accepting difference. Obviously some marriages won't survive but .....

YourOliveBalonz · 28/10/2025 09:49

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/10/2025 09:15

I was left by a useless man just before our baby arrived I suspect as he didn’t want to do the sleepless nights etc he was just a visitor for the hard bits then started terrorizing me with fathers for justice nonsense when baby was older and he had a girlfriend to help him
my child is now 2.5 and I really really feel so sad at the thought of not having another. Part of me wishes I’d had two or I’d got pregnant again and then left him so that I’d have two with the same dad and then just look for love only for myself later, now I need to look for love and someone who will get on with my son and someone who wants another child - can’t find him!
if you really want two children and you can afford nanny, maternity nurse etc in your shoes I would get pregnant before leaving him and then you have two, your children have each other to go between two homes with etc.

Deliberately having a child with someone you intend to leave would be so unbelievably selfish and irresponsible, I can’t quite get my head around that bit of advice.

AlphaApple · 28/10/2025 09:55

I'm so sorry OP, he sounds shit. He has taken away the life you had planned together with his selfishness. I think counselling is a good idea. First solo and then possibly joint. I do think it's worth trying to stay together once you have children but there is a line and your H is pretty close to crossing it.

captaincorellistrumpet · 28/10/2025 09:57

Phobiaphobic · 28/10/2025 09:34

I feel so bad for younger women now. You are constantly told you're on equal terms with your partners, you think you are a team, pulling together. You love them and trust them and think they will always have your back. Then you have a baby and discover the love of your life is a selfish, self-serving arsehole who doesn't pull his weight and doesn't give a shit how that impacts you.

This is sheer gold !

It's sadly happened to so many females I know.

Hedgehogbrown · 28/10/2025 09:57

I think you would be better off as a single parent. I don't think it's easy to get past this resentment. So disappointing for you.

VanyaV · 28/10/2025 09:59

Stifledlife · 28/10/2025 08:59

It took a while. My children and friends were, and remain unbeliveably supportive.
My relationship with my children (and their partners) is very strong and I've rebuilt lots of friendships that had been quietly sidelined by my ex. Funnily enough a lot of HIS friends chose me and the children too.
Life is better. Different, but better.
I think the fear of the unknown is a prison of your own making sometimes

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Thank you for sharing.

ShesNeverSeenAShadeOfGray · 28/10/2025 10:02

TiredToddlerMum876 · 27/10/2025 18:03

He took 2 solo week long holidays I asked him not to go on as I was struggling plus a totally optional 2 week work trip when our baby was only 3 weeks old. He actually gave up part of his paternity leave voluntarily (he was not pressured in any way). He trained and ran for a marathon. He also started a part time masters. All this in the first 10 months of baby's life. So you can see how much free time he had.

He takes no responsibility for baby (now toddler)'s food. He has dairy and egg allergies so it's not as simple as feeding him just anything.

He has taken him out once in 15 months to a playground. Took him for a walk around the block maybe 5 times.

He watches him a lot as long as I'm around. Is there for every bath and bedtime (but never alone).

He's a glorified babysitter basically.

Can count on one hand how often he has done laundry.

Does cook often for us (and 90% of the time forgets not to put butter or cheese or hot chillis (he loves super spicy food) so we can't set aside some for baby's dinner so I have to make it then).

Show quote history

So his life hasn't changed while he's actively made your life harder during the times you and the baby, HIS baby, needed him the most.

And he continues to make it harder because the little he does (cook) isn't suitable for HIS baby 90% of the time so you still end up sorting food. And you do the shopping for it.

Glorified babysitter, but not even that since he won't do it without you about.

And his defence is he does more than some other men?

I'd be out. So done.