Getting over resentment with DH, 1 year old DS

[TiredToddlerMum876]

I am finding myself being quite harsh and snappy with my DH and, while I know I am unreasonable in the moment, I don't know how to get over it.

We have a 15 month old DS, I've been working full time since he was 6 months and I am the higher earner who works longer hours (for context) and basically, DH just wasn't great in that first year.

He's a lot better now, because DS is easier obviously, we have a nanny, he is trying much harder (after some almighty fights and tears) and I am standing my ground very very firmly on a daily basis and not letting him get away with being shit. But I can't get over it.

I just feel so incredibly disappointed with him, as a man and as a father. He let me down at my hardest and now he's trying harder, and we should be happy but I look at him and feel nothing.

He will not admit he was wrong, he says babies just need their mums and he did loads and he did more than other dads who do fuck all and that's that. So I will never get an acknowledgment or apology, which would help I think.

A stranger on the train asked us yesterday if we wanted more kids (we were making conversation on long journey) and DH said "oh yes absolutely , would love a second" and I thought "not with you, I'm not".

“I struggle because at work and with friends I am seen as quite "bossy", I think people would be surprised with how much I put up with from DH.”

@TiredToddlerMum876 I was struck by this comment. I wonder if your “bossiness” comes from knowing that when you give an instruction, it will be followed (I’m in no way suggesting you are a poor manager). But the lack of control and support on your home life may be showing up in your work life.

Might this be something to explore? Knowing that your child is safe and well with its father while you are away does bring a certain psychological relaxation which you don’t seem to be able to count on.

I think you have a lot of hard thinking to do. I think that you have come onto Mumsnet to ask the question means you have taken the first step to distance from your husband.

You make more than him. Why are you staying with him?

My partner was/is utterly useless with our son. I did everything. To this day my partner has not got up with our child at night time. He even admitted - years later that he could hear our son crying at night and deliberately chose to ignore him.

If I had to work I wouldn’t have stayed.

Like others, I initially thought this was something that time would help to heal, but having read your updates I need to tell you unequivocally that his is NOT now stepping up.

My DH and I had a really rough first year with DS1 and it was easier with DC2 because we both knew what to expect, but there is no way in hell I would have had another if all my DH did was play with him and be ‘present’ for bed and bath.

I am also the higher earner and work longer hours and I think I would have felt totally taken advantage off in your shoes.

For reference, my DH pretty much from the off
-took newborn DS out to the park for a minimum of an hour Saturday and Sunday to give me a rest
-got up early with him Saturday and Sunday so I could have a lie in
-Shared night wakes at the weekend while I was on maternity
-booked and paid for me to have a spa weekend when he was 6 months old

Now with 2 young kids, we are equal parents in their eyes. Yes, they still want their mum if they have a nightmare or are ill but are happy with a weekend with just dad, or dad doing dinner, bathtime, drop offs and pick ups.

The less he does now with your DS, the more he is going to be completely attached to you and you will not be able to leave him to have a night out with friends, go away with work, have a day to yourself. The longer this goes on, the more being with you and not dad becomes the norm

I know that in my group of friends ALL of the male partners have stepped up in this way so his assertion that ‘lots of men do fuck all’ is really no benchmark.

if you want to stay with him, I’d suggest you, both individually and together need counselling

@TiredToddlerMum876 im sorry you had an unsupported post partum period. I think it’s a combination of his uselessness and I genuinely believe as we are so vulnerable in that period- anything crap hits harder and is therefore harder to move on from.

my first was an easy child and slept wonderfully. My second was a typical baby and barely slept therefore cried a lot more. My husband became so useless at helping and supporting and retreated to the guest room at night, refused to put her down for naps or bed. It was awful and I was very angry and resentful. I ended up writing him a letter as my conversations were not getting my point across without him defending himself. I also asked my husband to get metal health help as I wondered if he had post partum depression ( he didn’t pursue this). The letter helped significantly, he didn’t change overnight but he said seeing written down and how a seemingly “small” task carried so much weight with me meant he finally apologised and recognised his shortcomings. I didn’t instantly feel better about him but I felt lighter.

perhaps that’s something you can try and the other aspect is to really think about whether you do want this to work. If you do then that itself might give you the peace to pursue forgiveness.

I think you need counselling op to decide what to do as you sound unhappy. Well done for realising how you feel. I realised the same but it took me a long time to get to the point of that’s enough. I also didn’t have a third because I couldn’t do it with him.

@TiredToddlerMum876 I was you 20 years ago.

I didn't really want children but my ex did. So we had one. And then he stood back and did nothing. Let me cope on my own. Despite the difficult birth, huge blood loss.

When DS was 5 he started making noises about a 2nd child. I just told him, 'No. You left all the work to me. I'm not doing it again.' and that was it. No discussion. He couldn't believe I'd made a unilateral decision. But in effect he made it with his choices of how to leave me to sink or swim with the child he had said he really wanted.

It's not the only reason he's an ex. But it was an element of it.

No solution, but solidarity. This is what ended my marriage.

Im not sure if this is helpful, but although the split was stressful, I’m happier now than I was when we were together. And the children are fine and love is both.

Fucking hell!

No wonder you’re still pissed off.

I would be too. Not sure how you can move past all that crap now. Not without therapy.

I had similar with my dh the first year after DS was born he was useless, he was the main earner though so i reduced my hours when i returned to work as no way was I being a full time mum and cleaner and working full time on top. I let it go but said no to a second child as I knew the same thing would happen.
when DS was 2 my mental health declined (due to a number of factors) Dh buried his head in the sand and refused to acknowledge or help eventually i had a breakdown. It took me a long time to forgive that. I told myself that he hadn’t known the out come and we learnt a lesson. Except a few years later i developed chronic pain and again he refused to help me and I ended up in hospital for several weeks and had a long recovery. I haven’t forgiven him for that although I appreciate how much he has stepped up since it happened.
i need him at the minute and so does ds, I haven’t decided what I will do long term but I stopped accepting his inadequacies.

This is AWFUL. I personally couldn't get past this!. It's not a one-off and many of his actions are pure laziness - how can you constantly forget your child has a dairy allergy!?

1 He took 2 solo week long holidays.

2 totally optional 2 week work trip when our baby was only 3 weeks old.

3 gave up part of his paternity leave voluntarily

4 trained and ran for a marathon.

5 started a part time masters.

6 takes no responsibility for baby's (now toddler)'s food.

7 Doesn't help with the dairy and egg allergies

8 taken him out once in 15 months to a playground.

9 Took him for a walk around the block maybe 5 times.

10 Never has him alone (watches him a lot as long as I'm around. Is there for every bath and bedtime.

11 Can count on one hand how often he has done laundry.

12 90% of the time forgets not to put butter or cheese or hot chillis (he loves super spicy food) so we can't set aside some for baby's dinner so I have to make it)

He's a daddy cock-lodger @TiredToddlerMum876 and sounds absolutely shit.

Are you still intimate with him? I couldn't love this man, regardless of how much I might have loved him BEFORE the baby came along. And I would struggle to allow him near me.

He doesn't love you. I'm sorry to say that. But he's using you.
You fund his nice life (holidays, masters, hobby) by being the main earner.
You do the childcare.
And do the household stuff. (I understand you have a nanny, and assume maybe you also have a cleaner).

This bloke is on easy street because you're giving him a lovely life.

I don't know how you retain a marriage with a partner like this. I appreciate the position you're in. I also desperately wanted to stay married and not break up the family. But his behaviour stopped my being able to love him. And I grew to physically recoil from the possibility of sex with him. Even then, I had to be the one to leave.

Be very careful. I don't think he wants another baby just because he wants another child. I think it's tightening the noose even further around your neck. Get that coil in ASAP.

Yeah…I got more support than this from my DH when I was a SAHM and carried zero financial responsibility. It’s a slap in the face that you carry the financial burden and do all of this @TiredToddlerMum876 .

It’s like your DH has cherry-picked the parts that suit him from both the patriarchy and the modern world and is straddling both, to your detriment, and to his unfair advantage. Patriarchy: dad doesn’t do any parenting - check. Modern world: woman is the breadwinner - check. The fact that he’s pulling this shit on your dime is obscene.

This with great brass bells on ! ^

Not when he is refusing to take any responsibility for how absolutely shit he was previously!

Knowing that your child is safe and well with its father while you are away does bring a certain psychological relaxation which you don’t seem to be able to count on.

Is this true though? When my ds was 5 he stayed with his dad (very like the OP's dh) for four days between xmas & new year.

He returned ds on NYE with an untreated dog bite, through to the bone, and a raging infection/fever. When I asked why he hadn't taken him to A&E, he shrugged and said "he'll be all right". Basically he just couldn't be bothered.

It took A&E and a week of ABs to set ds right. I've never trusted ex with anything again. Some people aren't capable of being parents because they are selfish and lazy to the core.

The resentment is where I’m at currently. I’m pretty sure my SC see me as a sour-faced housekeeper at this point, whilst Fun Dad lets them watch TV all day.

I don’t want that for my own daughter so I’m leaving.

It's also not just how shit he was previously.

He's still shit. The only thing he actually does now is play with his son. While she has to be there because he can't look after the boy on his own.

Useless. Incompetent. Lazy. Selfish.

So basically it’s our fault if our husbands do f-all to help? When does nagging/urging tip over into a toxic environment unhealthy for our kids? Sometimes having to give in and just crack on means a happy homelife for the kids at least, without constant rowing. That may not be a brilliant choice but it sure as heck isn’t the woman limiting her options here, but the man!

Yes, he's still absolutely shit. No doubt this provides a daily reminder of what an absolute cunt he was for the first year. You sound absolutely capable @TiredToddlerMum876 . You'll be better off without him. As you are the higher earner, the longer you stay, the more it will cost you, but I think you will know when you're ready to separate.

I honestly couldn’t get over the resentment. A close friend has a husband who became brainwashed by Andrew Tate during her pregnancy and he’s 3 years into being a father and is yet to change a nappy, get up of a night or do a bath. And the baby has additional medical needs. But he has told friend the day their baby was born he would want 50/50 so to get no ideas. She is trapped with this absolute loser who has no interest in their child and refuses to learn how to prepare their baby’s special meals etc and the one time she left them alone he gave the baby something dangerous (think allowing a snickers bar to chew on for a baby with a peanut allergy) and had her mum not popped in on a whim the outcome may have been catastrophic. I appreciate that many women are stuck with useless men out of fear their useless husbands will get 50% custody and their child will be neglected 50% of the time. It’s a very flawed system forcing women into staying in relationships they don’t want to be in.

Been there done that. 5 years on, I've been able to move past it (don't think I'll ever fully get over it) but only because DH apologised and changed for the better. If he hadn't , it would've been curtains. I got sterilised and at first DH was sad but now he's doing more he's glad we stuck to 1.

In your situation I'd consider couples counselling. If he refuses maybe it's time for an ultimatum?

Nag is a derogatory misogynist term, please avoid it when discussing women. It's used by men to shut down a woman's discussion.

Your original post was quite bad; but this update is really, really shit. This is seriously crap from him - honestly based on that second post I think you should consider leaving or counseling at the very very least. It doesn’t sound like he wants to be a father?? Or a husband to be honest? I’m not sure what his role is in the family if you are doing all the parenting, all the family work, and earning the money…
lots of luck to you xxx

You MAY BU.

You sound like a lot of my friends who had the dark cloud that the first child can bring.

Most recovered well once their child started sleeping through the night. Others didn't, and let temporary emotions lead them to a journey of single parenthood.

Take time, and reflect inward.

Even my DH is genuinely the most hands on father I've come across. I've been on holiday and left him with a baby and toddler. Even then, we both acknowledge our children desire me for something biologically innate.

Things will change.

You sound like my SIL. It is so obvious to my that my BIL does absolutely nothing and she is there to sort him and the kids. To the extent that when he used to come round, if he wanted something, he would ask her, rather than me or his actual brother! He has always played the amazing dad role, and is the louder voice.

Roll on a few decades and his eldest is 18. BIL has been enjoying himself taking the eldest to special trips, he gave a speech at their 18th all about his journey of becoming a parent (literally NOT about the kid; so weird) and the mum is edited out. Kids are meek. I have no idea why they’re still together; she looks at him now the way you describe - with nothing.

Please don’t let this become you. He is still rubbish, he won’t change, his needs are far above yours and your child, and this will have a lasting impact on you, and possibly life long on your child. It might be harder on your own to begin with, but ultimately it will be so much easier, and you might find a partner who values you, and prioritises you.

Good luck!